Well, we're a bit into November now, and so far I think I've been doing pretty well with this "season". I've had a bit of a set-back with the migraines, but I know those are going to be a work-in-progress for awhile, so I'm not too surprised about that, and am keeping my thoughts positive and hopeful that eventually things will balance themselves out in that area. The fact that my doctor prescribed a vitamin regimen (B2) to add to my current medication dosage instead of more drugs is a pleasant surprise, and I'm hopeful that it will help. It was a bit of a bummer to hear that once the migraine takes hold there isn't really anything to be done other than sleep, quiet, darkness, etc... Nothing is really going to help alleviate the pain or other symptoms. I would rather not be put on a bunch of drugs if they aren't really going to help, though. More natural alternatives I am much more fond of trying out. I did forget to bring up massage therapy, and maybe even chiropractic. However, I go back in three months, and that will give me time to see what all my insurance covers, etc.. so I can discuss it with him with more knowledge in hand on what I'll maybe actually be able to even afford to do. I'm even considering that pressure point piercing...
The depression hasn't been too bad so far. I still have my moments of downness. It catches me at the oddest of times; moreso during the daytime hours than at night it seems. I'll be walking through the library, standing doing the dishes, driving down the road, or waiting for the oven to heat up, and something will hit me; A memory of some way in which I inevitably fucked things up again, or just thoughts about how I am just not good enough in one way or another in my life. It's like a punch to the gut. It actually doubles me over sometimes, and I have to fight to keep the tears back. But fight I do, and so far I'm winning.
I was out with some friends the other night. One was discussing a gentleman he wants to set my sister up with. He sounds like a great guy, and I'm actually pretty excited to see if they connect. I'm so hoping she finds someone, because she is SO WORTH IT! Not that she needs a man, but she deserves to be spoiled and I want her to be happy.
But then our friend looked at me and said he didn't know "what kind of guy" to look for for me. Someone I love very, very much told him not to bother; I cannot remember exactly how she worded it, but pretty much stated that it's not going to work for me to be set up, or for me to search for someone... that it's going to take someone just walking into my life unannounced.. She didn't mean it in any sort of derogatory way. It simply is what it is, and I think she's 100% correct.
I just have this void in me; this numbness or emptiness. I just don't seem to connect with people "in that way". I can't seem to form bonds. I meet people and go on what seem like should be great dates, but just feel nothing. I "shut people out" and "don't give them a chance", is what I've been told. Maybe they're right, but I feel like I shouldn't fake something that isn't there.
Only certain people have what it takes to flick that switch and ignite that spark in me. I never know who it will be. I have no "type". There are just these strands of energy in me that suddenly light up, that reach out and grab onto a person. Or perhaps it's more the other way around; that person's strands reach out and grab mine. They grab them and light them all up, turn them all on- these strands that normally lay dormant in me. The neurons start flashing and firing, and suddenly there are all these.... "feelings". It happens fast. I usually know right away when this person comes into my life; within a month or two. They usually scare the shit out of me. It causes so much confusion in me. It's hard to process all of it. I don't know how to read it, or what to do with all of this sudden influx of information and emotion.
The last time this happened was pretty devastating to me. I handled it badly. That's an understatement. I handled it epically horrible. It left me raw, bleeding, wounded, scarred and still not completely healed. I thought I would come away from that cold. Steeled. With walls so high and unmountable that no one would ever stand a chance of breaking through again. I don't want to feel like that again. It was so painful, and it was only the beginning. Had I let it progress any further... I'm afraid to think of what would have happened.
A strange thing happened though. . I let my wound stay open, I let myself continue to bleed. I let myself stay just a little bit vulnerable. I grew. I came to the realization that I could never get over this if I didn't learn how to deal with it. If I kept walling myself off, it would only make things worse. I can't deny the fact that my heart wants to feel these things. It wants to open itself up to someone. I can't hide myself away from that, because doing so only makes it a million times worse when it sneaks up on me like it has. It makes me make bad choices. It makes my fight or flight instinct kick in, both which have terrible consequences for me. The thought of putting myself through that potential pain of heartache makes my stomach turn in and of itself, but what I really need to do is learn how to deal with the actual feelings themselves. How to stop running from them, how to accept them and let them develop, how to let them grow even though they terrify me. It's the fear I need to get over. Yes, the fear of potential rejection, pain, and loss, but more importantly, the fear of letting myself be vulnerable, be so open and exposed to someone, to letting someone inside my walls.
I know it's not going to be easy. None of it: Not dealing with the migraines, dealing with the depression, learning to allow myself to feel emotion, allowing myself to open myself up to vulnerability, or even finding that someone to open myself up to again. I'll just have to take one day at a time and deal with it when it happens. I have to keep that channel open. I have to allow those vines to feel their way out, to find that person it connects with and stop stifling it. Stop stifling myself.
Just, next time, it would be nice if those damn vines would connect with someone who feels the same way, pleaseandthankyou?? :)
