~A Bitter Swallow~

The blog generator set me up with this whopper of a question today. It dared me to write about ALL of the places I've called home in my lifetime. If it only knew how deeply involved that question was, I wonder if it still would have had the balls to ask it. Probably.

Now, I am not the child of a military family. Nor of a drug abuser (well.. that is left up to the individual to decide upon for themselves I suppose), nor of the foster care system (although we almost came to that). I am merely the child of circumstance; Circumstance that led me to live in a multitude of different places- and not all of them were dwellings.

When I was a wee one, still spitting up on my mama's shoulder, I lived in a little town called Norwalk, California. Apparently, I was born in a hospital made famous on a show called "Emergency" from way back when. As far as I know, my birth was not filmed or shown on any episode. That might have been kind of weird. Now, while I do not recall ever calling that place "home", I'm sure I did. I have very vague memories from that period of time in my life- mainly consisting of the ice cream truck, and sitting on the sidewalk with another little girl, eating our cones. That- and a time when I swear I somehow was able to twist my head around, and see my ear... and there was blood pouring out of it. I ran to show my mom, who was in the middle of talking with someone. All I remember was that he was a man. I urgently tried to get her to see the copious amounts of blood that I was losing out of my head, but she didn't seem too concerned. Ahh... the ways children can see more than what is really there. I still don't know what that was. My mom doesn't remember it at all. I had to have been maybe no more than 3 years old.

We then moved to another small town called Onyx, California. This town I do remember fondly. When I remember the innocent days of youth- the carefree days when the sun was always shining- of laying on the grass watching the clouds paint pictures in the sky- it is to this town that I return. Days that never ended, spent with friends in the outdoors, crawling through rock mountains, sleeping on the boulders with the snakes, resting on fallen logs in meadows of tall yellow grass, traipsing through the old lot that we called the Ghost walk, or something like that. My first boyfriend, and kissing him in that tall grass while we played "house". I was the mom, and he was the dad, and my little sister was our child. We had put her to bed, and that is what the grown ups did when the kids went to bed. They sat on the couch, watched tv, and kissed. He and I would sit on the side of the roads and try to sell the fragments of onyx we would find. I still wonder what happened to him.
That was where we would play Superheros in the park. I was always Fire Woman. It was this same park that we would hold burials for the dead birds we would come across. We came across those fairly often. I think there must have been a hungry cat that lived nearby. It was here that my sister and I (the same sister that played my daughter during my first kiss) were playing tag with our best friends- Heather and Terra. My sister slipped while running by the water fountain and broke her collar bone. I remember her screaming, and walking her home to tell my mom. Heather and Terra's dad was a nurse. He got to fix it.
This was the town where I smashed my ring finger in a big metal door at the skating rink. That same nurse tricked me into letting him pull my dead nail off.

This was the town I lived in where I could still be a kid. I would listen to my older sister playing Quiet Riot's "Come on Feel the Noise" and I would bang my head and dance around the tree outside. The house with all of my mom's beautiful rose bushes that I would water. With the honeysuckle bush that I would lounge by and eat the honey off of while watching the bees and the butterflies. With the garden that I have longed to copy- full of ripe strawberry patches she was constantly chasing me out of, the cherry tree she always drug my sister out of, the radishes I would help her pull, and the luscious peach trees. It was there that I always ate the cat's food. I tried the dog's food once, but it made me vomit.

On days when I feel horribly overwhelmed, it is often this time in my life that I go back to. I will dream about it sometimes. I try to recreate it in every "home" I've had since then, but never quite achieve. I'm hoping that I can come close in the place we are in now.

After Onyx, all of the places I lived in start to blur. At least while I was young. I left Onyx when I was around 7 or 8 years old. We moved all over Southern California. I couldn't tell you the name of any elementary school I attended. I attended quite a few of them. We lived with my father's various girlfriends, and in a few motels. I stopped trying to make friends after awhile, because we were never there long enough to keep them. There was one gal, named Christine, from my 6th grade year. I still talked to her for awhile afterwards. Last I heard, she was married with a child or two, and doing well.

I moved to Palmdale, California when I was 12. We first stayed in another hotel. Eventually we moved in with a lady my father knew. I don't remember where he knew her from- work maybe. She had a son. I couldn't stand her. She was strange, and her son could do no wrong. We hated him. And she just creeped us out. I'm not really sure what the deal with her and my dad was. In any event, we eventually got our own place. I liked that place. I lost my virginity there (well, in that town, not at that house). I still talk with him on occasion. It had the best thunder and lightning storms. We had a couch set up in the garage, and on stormy nights we would open up the garage door, and hang out on the couch and watch the shows.

We left Palmdale and moved next door to Lancaster. I did all of my teen growing there. I was 14 when we moved there. I met the best friends I had ever had there. I found my spiritual calling there, despite the additional problems it posed with my father. I got engaged, dropped out of school, wound up sleeping in a literal hole in the ground, on playground equipment fearing for my safety with the gangsters all around eyeing me, at friends' homes, etc. I broke ties with my dad there. I had a horrible relationship in which details I will not go into here. I had one of the best relationships I've had there. I found myself into drugs there, and at the same time I found a lot of myself there. It was your normal teenage angst growing up stuff, plus some.

I could spend hours filling you in on all of the things that happened in Lancaster. It would be #2 on my favorite places. Despite all of the heartache and hurt and betrayal I went through there, it was also where I found the best in people, where I found some of the best in me.

I left Lancaster in August, to full fill my promise to my mom that I would be in Washington in time to start school back up in the fall. I got here a week before school started. Washington has been very good to me, and I was able to go back to school and graduate. I met my husband, had my children, had my horrible time when I went through my separation, and have found a great guy in the meantime. I have a wonderful new place, which I do indeed call "home". Every day we are making it feel more and more like it. I still have a lot of work left to do. I think my work will never be done. But I am closer to achieving that haven I had when I was a 5 year old child living in Onyx. I am well on my way, and I am thankful for it every day.

Well, as of today, our move is complete. Dustin and I went to the old place for one final clearing out last night. We got everything out, wiped down, and vacuumed up. While we didn't leave it sparkling, we left it decent, which is more than I thought I was going to be able to so close to the wire there. It wasn't in perfect shape when we moved in, so I am not too terribly upset by this.

I must say, that waking up today, and knowing that I could come HOME after dropping the kids off, instead of having to drive out and work on the old place, was a huge relief. It felt amazing. I was able to stay in my jammies, sip my coffee, and peruse the Internet at a nice, leisurely pace. I got the kitchen almost completely unpacked, and got the living room worked on more. All of my books are put away, but I still have 2-3 boxes of kids books to sort through. The furniture is all in it's rightful place, with the exception of my bed, which still needs to be put together. In time.. I can wait.

I was able to crack open the totes containing my Christmas decorations, and put some of them up. Not too many though, since I still have a war zone of boxes to go through, and I don't want to constantly have to rearrange them. However, I will have all weekend, and the first three days of the week to work on it. I plan to have made a sizable dent in them by the time that is over. Then I will have to start working on that Christmas decorating, and holiday food preparation, and wrapping the gifts and getting the tree. I have books I've picked up from work on various crafts inspired by the holiday season. We will see how they turn out :)

I am now searching for equipment to come in and tear up the blackberry vines and small weed-trees in the yard, primarily where the garden will be, and out in front. Then I need to rototill it all up, and fertilize it, and put up a fence around it. The chicken coop / garden shed needs to be built. So much to do, and I love it!

I hate having these days; Days filled with feelings of inadequacy and meaninglessness. Is it PMS? Bad medication taking? The grey, dreary weather? All of the above?

Plaster a smile on my face and know that it will pass. It always does. I just wish it would hurry up.

So this past weekend we went to Oregon. "We" being Dustin, the kids, and me. Immediately after work, I drove straight home, and packed enough clothes and accessories for the four of us, then we jumped in the car. After dropping off the dog at my sister's place, and grabbing a quick(ish) bite at Taco Bell, we started our 6-hour drive to Heppner, Oregon. My throat continued to bother me throughout the drive, as did my head, but I was able to pull in some light dozing while my body braced itself through Dustin's driving.. lol.

We pulled into the hotel at 2:30am, and we all dove for the beds. Dustin woke up at the ass-crack of dawn as always, chipper with energy, while the rest of us groaned and pulled the covers further over our heads. He headed to church with his family while the kids and I finished more of our sleep. After church service, he returned, and him and I took a little walk of the town. The town was easily walkable in I'd say, maybe 20 minutes. It's tiny! So cute though.

Dustin's grandparents were not home when we got there. We let ourselves in per their request. They have such a quaint, cozy home. Their wood stove was going when we got there, and the room was nice and toasty. Dustin's mom and her husband showed up soon after us, and then his grandparents shortly thereafter.

We had a nice lunch of veggie spaghetti with vegetarian meatballs, green beans, bread and salad. Even my daughter liked the spaghetti, although my son didn't. On a trip down to the park, my daughter got invited to a bonfire with Dustin's sister and her daughter. They got to go on a hayride and the whole nine-yards. She spent the night there. After she left, Dustin, my son and I went back down to the hotel for a nap, as we were pretty tired still. We went back up for snacks and conversation and left for bed early.

The next morning, Dustin was once again up at the break of dawn, and he went and had breakfast with his family while I waited for my boy to wake up. We finally had to drag him out of bed at 10, so that we could check out of the hotel. More of Dustin's family showed up on Sunday, and I finally got to meet his brother. We had a big lunch of veggie burgers and dogs, with salads, chips, veggies, and pie. It was good, but I'm still not a big proponent of the veggie meats...

We left Oregon at about 3pm on Sunday, and made it back into town at around 8:30. Apparently the dog did good over at my sister's house. Our cat decided she was now queen of the castle, and she's now the boss (as if she didn't act enough that way before). We'll see who wins- her or my daughter.

Things have been hectic lately, with the move, my son's toe (I'll explain that one), work, school, and the move (yes, I know I already said that, but it is a significant portion of the hectic!). All this has caused me to slack a bit in my blogging. Hopefully not too much though. Enough to keep things suspenseful? :)



The move is going well, although there are still a few larger items left at the other house that I would really enjoy having at the new place. My washer and dryer top that list, at the moment. My bed is still over there; my mattress is over at the new one though, so at least I can sleep comfortably. Most of my bookcases - most considerably my large one - is still there, which makes it difficult to unpack those six boxes of books I have over there.



The unpacking is going slow. I just don't know what to do with all the crap I have. And I have a lot of it. Some I will be sorting out and selling on the Internet. Some will be driven down to the Goodwill to compliment my spending down there. The rest will find their spots among the riff and raff of my mismatched furniture and accessories. Shelves have become a fond pal of mine, and my kitchen would benefit from some, if only I would remember to ask Dustin to build me some... lol.





I have been horrible with the upkeep of taking my medication on time. I'm truly pathetic when it comes to memory. At least when dealing with my own stuff. My son's medicine for his foot I remember each and every morning and each and every evening. So does he, and 9.99 times out of 10, he's already taken it by the time I ask. I just wish the same could be said for his homework. I've now moved it to directly in front of my coffee pot, where it will just be pushed aside in my desperate grasping for my first cup of coffee, and thereafter I will tell myself "I'll take it when I eat." Next problem is getting me to actually go make myself something to eat....



As for my son's foot. Sometimes our children do things that we just find utterly flabbergasting. This is one of those instances. Probably his most insane moment yet, at least in my mind. A few weeks ago, he complained of a cut on his foot. I remember him coming down the hallway while I was on my computer talking of it. I asked him if it was a "need to show mom" cut or a little scratch. He said he was fine and it was just a small thing. Well, last Thursday, I was still home when the kids got back from school because I had had a meeting at work earlier in the day, and I go in late on those days to make up for the time. He came into the living room complaining that he wished his foot would "quit doing this, because it's getting really irritating." I look at his foot, still mummified in his sock, and see a pool of seepage coming up through the sock. I told him to take it off and let me see his foot. My gods, I just about had a heart attack when I saw it. I'm not kidding. Half of his toenail was black- vertically moving sideways, not upwards. His skin was sloughing off in layers. There was puss all over, and his toe was bright red. I did learn that this toe- the big toe- is medically termed the "great toe". That's the medical term. I thought it was funny.

I called his doctor's office and confirmed that this was a "take him to the urgent care" issue, and not a "wait and make an appt for later" issue. I took him in, and all the nurses and the doctor were all flabbergasted that he did not show this to me earlier. Apparently he had ripped off a hang nail he had on the side of his toe. Being a boy, jumping in mud puddles, sleeping with the dog who sheds buckets (they were having to pull dog hair out of the wound), not changing his socks, etc.... it got infected. And of course, he "thought it would just go away". It wasn't hurting him unless he touched it, so no big deal, right?

The nurse helped me harass him and tease him for not telling me. He got a lesson in hygiene and how to cut his nails properly. He got taught that if it starts turning red, it's time to show mom. Or someone. And to never ever ever let his penis get like that (he turned beet red.. it was hilarious). After a shot in the butt, and a prescription for antibiotics, Epsom salt and bandages, we were sent home. I got to be an hour late to work, but luckily I had called them prior to hitting the urgent care, so they were well aware of the situation. And it gave us a good story to chat about the rest of the evening.

Today, I am sick. I think. This morning, I had a little bit of time on my hands before coming into work, so since my tummy was feeling a bit blah, I decided to go to Jack In The Box and get a supreme croissant and an orange juice. While drinking the orange juice, I realized I felt a lump in my throat that hurt when I swallowed. No matter what I did, I could not get it to go away. It has gotten progressively worse throughout the day, and I'm starting to believe it is something more than just a piece of egg caught in my throat. Now my tummy is upset more, and my head is starting to thrumb in tune with my throat. And I get to go on a drive down to Oregon this weekend. Pray for me that it gets better, and not worse.


And I think that is it for now.

So, I'm bored, and thought I would check out this site I go to from time to time to get ideas to write from. It's here - http://creativewritingprompts.com/ .

Today's lucky number is number 10. It's idea is to come up with a poem about an object that describes me. What out there is reflective of me?

credit card?
* If you aren't careful with me, you could wind up getting yourself into a lot of trouble?
*I have a tendency to take all your money away from you? (I'm laughing here, now... you should be too...)

blank piece of paper?
*Dull at first glance, but give me a little attention and a beautiful story can emerge?

time?
*I pass fast when you're having fun?
*I take forever when you are waiting on me, and go by fast when you want it to last?"
(Ok, so I actually get ready quite quickly, and the second part of the second one was the same as the first... sue me)

flower?
*I'm pretty, but without the right care will wilt quickly?

hand sanitizer?
*use me too much and I start to cause more harm than good?

yard work?
*alot of work, but worth it in the end?

Alladin's lamp?
rub me the right way, and your wish is my command?


Ok, ok, I'm finished. No poem today, but I got a good laugh at myself. Readers are encouraged to add at their own whim!

According to my handy little "holiday madness" link over there -----> , today - October 27th, is Cranky Co-Workers Day and Navy Day. I have to wonder... is it really coincidence that these two days fall together??? Hmmm?

=P


The 30th has some fantabulous things to celebrate! It's the host of "Create a Great Funeral Day", "Devil's Night", and "Haunted Refrigerator Night". Not to mention "Candy Corn Day", which is one of my favorite Samhain candies.


What cracks me up is Halloween / Samhain being synonymous with Knock Knock Joke Day? How fun is that!?

With all this greatness in just the last WEEK, it's no wonder October is my favorite month!

(oh, and it may have something to do with my birthday being in there, too)

I'm so excited! I know I cannot be completely sure of this until Monday, but we're moving into a house with a yard! I can hardly contain myself. I'm already trying to figure out where to put what, and what kind of plants I will have and where the garden will be and what kinds of veggies and berries it will have in it. My daughter has already designed the back porch area. The kids have picked out their rooms, and were very good about discussing which one they wanted and picking the one that fit them based on their ideas, preferences, and how they live. That is to say, my daughter got the biggest of the two! LOL.

Things are finally starting to look even brighter, even with our economy supposedly flailing about like a fish out of water. I even have a good prospect of getting my son into a martial arts class that I think he will love. We shall see how that pans out.

I won't be close enough to walk to work anymore, which will be a bummer. Not sure what kind of walk I'll really be able to go on. But I will have an acre of land to mess with, a new house to decorate, and I've already checked out a load of crafting books to fill my additional time. ( I have plenty more on hold as well).

Now I get to fill the next month's time "off" with packing and sorting. I expect to be discarding quite a bit of stuff (hopefully) in order to clear out most of our clutter. Perhaps I can even sell some of it and make a little cash. Both kids are once again going to have to thoroughly go through their rooms and choose what they honestly still need, and what they can part with. It helps them knowing that their items are going to others who could use it, and not just being tossed away.

This move also means an opportunity for some new furniture. The stuff we have is so old and used up. I'd really like to get something new. Start completely afresh. Dustin is looking forward to building the kids some new beds, probably the captain's type, which would be fantastically awesome, in my opinion. New dressers, couches, tables, etc... how wonderful! Of course, that is going to take some time, since it all costs money.. lol. But the ability is there and it feels great.

I plan to use this as a jumping start for really working on obtaining some semblance of sewing ability, and perhaps making some curtains for the rooms. I got a book on other things to make by sewing for household use, so we'll see how far my creativity (ability provided) can take me.

I am trying to decide how to decorate the bathrooms and kitchen. Do I want the kids to have their colorful display in their bathroom that also doubles as the guest bathroom, or will I stick with the orientalish type theme that we have in our guest bath now? Will the kitchen be herbs or sunflowers?

It was exciting this morning, when I got online for my normal stint through the available rentals, and I realized I no longer need to do that. I wondered what would fill my time now, and then realized all the options I had with this move. I'm in heaven, I tell ya!

So, if you no longer see me online as much as before, you now know why. Smile to yourself, and know that I am having a blast! Call me and come over to see! :)

I voted today. I don't get my official "I voted" button, which is kind of a bummer. But I have the satisfaction of knowing that I did my part in taking action on how my country is run. I can't say I think that my vote will make much of an impact, but I do know that not voting is giving the other guys an advantage. If everyone stopped voting just because they didn't think their vote counted, then we would definitely see the effects our voting has.

I am not going to go into the politics of who I voted for. I voted for who I thought best equipped and/or whose ideals matched my own. I even voted for a couple from the opposite party because of that. I don't like lumping myself into the cliche of voters. I lean towards the democratic side, but won't vote for someone just because he or she is a Democrat. I vote for who I think will work in my best interest. Does that make me independent? I don't know, for I don't vote strictly independent either.

In any event, I did my patriotic duty in keeping our country a democracy. I hope I get who I want, but more importantly, I hope whoever gets the job takes this country in the right direction and keeps us strong and vital.

I just discovered that today is the national mental health day. http://www.nmha.org/index.cfm?objectid=94EE8067-1372-4D20-C8E1129592EE83B5

Doesn't that mean we should all be in mental wards strapped up and curled in a padded room?

Oh wait.. as mentioned in my previous post.. I'm on medication for that... so I am declared mentally sane..

Or am I?

I think it should mean we all get the day off.

You know, some days I am quintessentially reminded of just how much of a loser I really am. Tonight is turning out to be one of those times. I knew I lost a lot when I left my marriage, but holy shit, sometimes it is just insanely sad how much. Or maybe it was really never there to begin with, which I am thinking is probably closer to the truth of the matter. Take tonight, for instance. I had a birthday dinner for myself at my favorite resteraunt. Other than myself, my children, and my boyfriend, 3 other people showed up. One was my sister, the other two were a couple of friends. And they are more my boyfriend's friends than they are mine. Not that we don't get along, because we do ( as far as I know ). It's just that if Dustin and I were to break up, I don't think I'd ever actually hear from them again. He knew them long before I did.

I think the whole birthday dinner thing has ran it's course. I have a feeling this was the last year for that.

Anyways- what makes it all so much worse is that everyone's reasoning for not coming was monetary. Ok, that makes sense, until I realize that they are all planning on going out to the casino for the bartender's birthday next weekend.... and half of them were probably out at the bar tonight. Doesn't make me feel real considered, ya know.

Then, I get shit because I wound up spending too much on dinner. I don't think he was overly serious, but to a point he was. I didn't realize I had a limit, especially considering he had previously been talking about paying for the entire meal (paying everyone's tab) to thank the people who did show up for coming out. That in and of itself could give me a complex, but since I know what he meant, I let it be.

I don't even know why I'm posting this stupid blog. No one but me is going to read it, and I am very much aware of that. Sometimes I wonder why I bother keeping this blog updated. I am the only person who reads it, unless I push it on Dustin, and even then, I don't think he reads half of what I asked. I have linked this to people more than a couple times, and I haven't gotten one single solitary comment about it. Not even in passing. So why the hell do I bother. Part I know is to give myself an outlet, but what about all the other crap I post about. I think some piece of me is hoping someone out there is actually keeping tabs on it, but I know that it isn't going to happen. I'm just giving myself another failure to mark in the record books...

Sometimes it is so lonely. I look around and there is no one there. I know Dustin and my kids are.. but, where did everyone else go. What the hell did I do that was so horrible? Or was it never me that they were hanging out with to begin with?


Gods! I really wish I could just move far far away. Move somewhere where no one has any idea of who I am. Somewhere where I could just start all over again. Then at least when I have no one calling me or coming to my birthday, at least there is a viable excuse. If it weren't for my kids, I'd do it. But I can't uproot them and all they have just because mommy is lame. /sigh

So, I guess I get to emmerse myself in a game I have no interest in, and write about stuff that no one gives a shit about. Yay me!

Anyone going to sing "Happy Birthday" yet?

It's been a few days since I've posted on here, so I figured I should give it some of my time and attention. Most of that has been going to my website lately, where I've had a few stories being gurgled out. I say gurgled, because they are coming slowly. Perhaps oozing would be a proper description. And it seems that every time I get going on one, I have a dream, and that spurs another that pushes it's way to the forefront and demands to be given it's time in my limelight.

I'm a little disheartened at the moment. I have sent out messages and emails to friends and family asking for feedback, yet I have gotten not a single comment from anyone other than my boyfriend. And he has to live with me, so you know how that goes... I am not looking for prime time editing. Just regular people giving their opinions on it, since they are the people the stories are geared for. I guess people just aren't as interested in reading as I am. Granted, I don't read as much as I use to, but I jump at opportunities to read what others around me have in their minds. I read their blogs, their poetry, their bulletins and ranting and raving.

Anyways.. last week I was sick. Sick enough to call into work. I got Thursday off, and Friday as a precautionary. I wound up needing it, so I'm glad my boss told me to stay home. But I discovered that I got a lot of writing done in those days. A lot for me anyway. They are no masterpieces by far, but a couple chapters on each one. And plots and outlines written up in my head for future reference.

OK, time is a wasting here, and I've given this part of my literary creativity (*eye roll*) enough of it for now.

Oh, by the way, if you are interested in how my September clean up is going.. it's horribly laughable. Maybe that will be my topic next time.

The other night I was lying in bed trying to sleep, and -as usual- my mind began to wander and ponder on various things. Somehow, it found it's way to contemplating "what contributes to evolution?". When does the universe decide it is time, and how does it happen. And where does all of this fit in to my belief patterns? How do you combine spirituality and science?

Well, it turns out I had something of an epiphany. In my mind at least. I do not know who reads this, so I don't know how much you -the reader- know about me. To give you a little background, I am pagan in my belief structure. No- I am not Wiccan. And a big hell-no! I am NOT Satanic! I don't even believe in Satan.. LOL. But this is not a debate on belief systems. This is about where my little brain went in it's search for evolution answers.

In my belief, the universe as we know it - our little Milky Way - (yes, I like using - ) was created by an entity I refer to as the Great Mother. Whether it was on purpose or not, who knows. Where She came from, I have no idea. I am okay with knowing that there are some things out there that are just way to much for my little human brain to comprehend. Anyway, in analysing this new system that She created, she decided the best way to learn about it was to experience it. So She broke herself into millions upon millions of little pieces, and sent them to this new world. Each pieces job was to learn as much as possible about this new environment. Who is to say how these pieces arrived. I like to think that they first came about as elements. The forces behind the powers we take for granted now- Earth, Air, Fire, Water... I believe these entities to still exist in their original state. Gods and/or Goddesses in their own right, beneath but still a part of the Great Mother. From that, came the first vestiges of life. Bacteria, algae, whatever ... I did not study that closely in science class, but I am sure you know what I mean.

This is where my brain suddenly had it's light bulb lit, and a new revelation came to me. What happens when an organism as a whole- not individual- learns all there is to know? Well, how about evolve? It mutates and changes to incorporate new unlearned and unvisited areas of being. That would also be why we have so many variety of life forms. Each has a job of absorbing everything there is to know about that life form. All of it. And once there are enough of those pieces that have learned everything, existence gets an upgrade, and a new being is created.

Are humans the last? Hardly. I do not believe so. I do think that we are one of the species that could very well put ourselves out of existence completely the way the do-do bird did, by becoming too vain in our ability. Perhaps it will be that which comes from our completion that will fix what we have done.

So, here it is, day 2 of my month long journey into self-help ( or at least getting the house cleaned up ), and so far I've killed myself. Including this post here, I will have accomplished 3 items of my weekly to-do list.
Yesterday, I had to go down to the library, empty out and process the book drop. By the time I got there - I think it was about 1:30 or 2 in the afternoon - books were already falling out into the box around the bin that sits inside the bookdrops. So we had walked down to the library, I got my work done, and then we headed up over to the movie place. Now, I know that means nothing to you people who don't know the area, but it is quite a walk. Then we hit Wendy's and walked the back way home. It was a long walk that took us about 2&1/2 to 3 hours (not including the stop at the library or to eat). My legs were sore but with some stretching out they felt almost new again.
Today, we had to go out to the kids' school to see what classroom they were in. Me and my big mouth jokingly said "Want to walk?". Well, the kids decided sure, so out we went again, this time kids in tow. We walked up to their school, which is probably a good 2-3 mile hike in and of itself, then out to McDonald's (another mileish) down over to Walmart to get them their backpacks and lunchboxes (another mile or two) and then back around to home (another mile or twoish). Wow! My butt hurts so bad! Of all the places on my body- it's my butt that is screaming at me. And my feet. But we stretched out again, and while not as productive this time, I shudder to think what they would feel like had I not!

And now I am doing one of my posts for the week.

So, tomorrow is the start of school. We'll see how things go with keeping me going. I think that with them being out of the house, it will help me with getting the deep down cleaning and organizing done, since I won't have the constant interruption that children bring into life (not a bad statement!!). I think I will take the day off from walking. Heck, I don't know that I will be able to walk tomorrow!! I am thinking that maybe I will go through the donation stuff we have already blown up all over the hall upstairs and get that all settled, and then go through my clothes.

That's it for today.

So.. I've decided that I'm deliriously lazy, and that is something that just has to stop. It is showing in my weight, my skin, my mood, and my health. With this summer, it has been just too easy for me to sip a cup of coffee, and play Internet games all day long. I'm hopelessly addicted to Everquest 2. Not in the sense that I don't go to work and all that jazz, but it gives me such a "good" excuse to not get my housework done, get my exercise in... It's the greatest procrastination tool. Granted, it is a fabulously fun and interactive game. It is not it's fault that I'm lazy.. it is my own.

To battle this flaw of mine, I've decided that I am going to give myself a "to-do" list for the month of September. Every day I must do something from the list in order for me to be able to battle onward in my conquest for level 80... or whatever I may be doing on the Internet that day. I will still allow myself to check my email and such while waking up and drinking my cup of coffee... but nothing else until a duty is done. If I do not comply with these demands I have made upon myself.. I have twisted my boyfriend's arm and requested that he cancel the payment on my account. I have every confidence that he will do so if the situation calls for it.

Let me reiterate that I am not one of those crazy people who never moves from the game and is completely immersed into it. You may have been able to say that a few years ago, when I was in an insane race to escape my reality.. and it was "better" than drinking my way there. However, I have never ignored my children over it. I have never called in (or not) to work because of it. I still know what real life is, and that it supersedes any game. That is what it still is, after all. A game. However, many of my real life friends play it, so it is a way for us all to "hang out" when we otherwise cannot due to whatever reason. So, in taking away my gaming privileges, it is pretty much like putting myself on restriction, where I cannot hang out with my friends. Jeeze.. perhaps I am still a teenager!

So onward to the list. Below is a compilation of all the chores I would like to accomplish. At least one of the activities below must be accomplished daily in order for my privileges to remain intact. This list will not only help my house become cleaner and more organized, but the hope is that in my house becoming organized and decluttered, so will my head. Plus, the exercise it provides will help with my overall health, and in hopes give me new found energy and revitalize my zest for actual living.

1. I must obtain at least 3 days of some sort of physical exercise activity per week. This may be going for a real walk (with or without the dog), participating in a workout video, etc. This one must be done every week.

2. I need to clean out the Tupperware cupboards.

3. I need to pull out all the pantry items and reorganize the pantry goods.

4. Go through my closet and and drawers and really go through my clothes being realistic this time. If I do wind up losing weight enough (hopefully with this demand schedule!), it will give me a wonderful reason to go shopping!

5. Clean out my closet - the bottom, and top, and clear out and reorganize (are you sensing a theme here yet?)

6. Go through Daemian's room and clear and organize.

7. Go through Rhiannon's room and clear and organize.

8. Clean out the laundry area and reorganize.

9. Clear out the "hall" closet

10. Clean out underneath the coffee table.

11. Clean up outside deck and downstairs.

12. Borrow my sister's little green machine or rent a carpet shampooer and shampoo the area around the tv/ slider door.

13. Clean up and organize bathroom in my room.


14. Gather up all castaway items and take them all down to the Goodwill.


15. In addition to the items listed above, I need to do some writing at least 5 days out of the week. At least 3 of those days should be writing pertaining to my stories.


Ok, that's all I've got. That gives me a full weekload of stuff throughout the month I think! They should keep me properly occupied, and perhaps you all equally entertained!

Lately I've noticed that I have been having quite a number of dreams of my father and his wife. This is odd for me, since I have had no contact with my father since my daughter was about 3 months old. I am not going to get into details about my history with him in this post, but I wanted to put this down on "paper" in order to capture what is going on at this time.

Most of the dreams have been arguing, and all have concerned moving. I cannot remember what most of the arguments have been about, although I think most have to do with moving. When I left my father's home in California, it was a HUGE argument between us. I think that is why every dream I have of him involves moving and fighting. His wife is always just there putting her two cents in where they are unwanted.

I also have frequent dreams about the house I lived in down there in Lancaster. Usually he is not there when I am there.. which was not abnormal in reality either. In one dream I remember coming back and the house was completely trashed. I was trying to get it cleaned up.

I am intrigued as to why these subjects have suddenly popped up so often in my dreams. What is in my subconcious that is trying to break free? Or is the universe trying to tell me something? There are so many things that have changed in my recent past that could contribute to strange and new dreaming. I just cannot figure out what specifically is bringing on thoughts of my father, and my old house.

So, in my attempt to write at least a little every day (an attempt that I have not been altogether successful at ), I decided to look up writing prompts. Google led me to this little site here: http://creativewritingprompts.com/ . I find it fantastic. It is from this little niche that I am going to do today's writing, albeit a bit cheating.. since it is more a list than actual writing. But hey.. I'm here, aren't I?

I chose to list 10 things you can do with no power. Since I live in the Pacific Northwest, and that is a rather frequent occurrence, I thought it would be not only appropriate and informative, but also relatively easy! Let us see if I am correct in that assumption!

1. Well, since I work at a library, I figured it rather obvious that I will list READ A BOOK! first. Not to mention, it is something I do with no power. Candlelight can be somewhat hard on the eyes sometimes, but a good book will make that inconvenience unnoticeable anyways.

2. Break out those board games! What could be better than playing a game of Clue during a blackout by candlelight!? When you decide to chance a guess, be sure to hold the flame beneathe your face, attach an ominous look to yourself, and state your guess in an evil, threatening voice.

3. A game of hide and seek in the dark. Oh yeah!

4. Go outside and see how many stars you can see now! It's amazing how much of the night sky is hidden by the glow of the city lights.

5. Have a campout in your front yard. Grab some sleeping bags, build a campfire, and roast marshmellows and tell ghost stories.

6. Grab a pencil and paper, and write a good old fashioned letter to some pals. Get creative, and post their address in an old time script, and seal the envelope with a dab of wax.

7. Teach yourself how to do something, be it play guitar, crochet, knit, etc.. That way you always have an activity for power outages.

8. Find a bunch of no-cook recipies that can be whipped together over a fireplace or woodstove. Call all your friends over for an old fashioned dinner, and play some of the games listed here.

9. Charades in the dark. Now that could be interesting.

10. Go to the local hardware store and purchase a generator. We live in Washington people.. you should have one!!!


There.. I did it. And it wasn't all that bad to come up with stuff. Now, the funny part is that next time the power goes out, and I want to refer to this list.. it will be conveniently stored on my computer- you know..that thing that requires POWER to turn on and look at...

/sigh....

That's how it goes in this technologically "advanced" age...

Ok... so I keep hearing that if you truly want to be a writer, you need to write a little each and every day. So, I guess I should do that. I figured I don't blog enough anyways, so that will be a good place for me to start.

I've been slowly working on a story. If you visit my personal website (link to it is on the right, under "my other little place...") then you might have already read a bit of it. But it is a work in progress, and I keep adding and changing it. I am writing the pieces that come to me, so there will be various snippets of the story on there. Some are public, and some are still private, as I tweek them to where I am happy enough with them to share.

I have been finding plenty of writing ideas, but some of them just don't have the story to back them. So those I file away under my idea folder, and hold on to them until a fitting storyline comes along that fits it. I am trying not to get carried away with having too many going on at once, since I already have 3 that I've been working with, and they are so slow in moving along. Most of that is my own fault though, because I just don't sit down and DO it. Much of that has to do with the fact that I now have to use the desktop to write, and my eyes are horrible. I cannot read half of what I've written. So, if there are any misspellings or grammatical/ puncuation errors... please forgive my blind eyesight... Thank the techy gods who developed spell-check. Now if I could only remember to acutally use it!

One of my co-workers- Leah- turned me on to a website for writers and aspiring writers. It's Writer's Digest . It's a neat little site that gives you tips, suggestions, and even little competitions where you can write little stories and submit them. I think it's a neat little spot, and will have to add it to my favorites, as I see myself frequenting it quite a bit. :)

Anyways, that is all I have for now. I am going to make it a goal to write at least something on one of my blogs each and every day. So wish me luck!

It's once again been awhile since I posted. Since it is a slow day at work today, I figured I'd pop in and say hello. It's a good thing it is slow today, too, since I am acutely tired. I don't know why, other than I didn't get a very good night's sleep last night. Quite a bit of tossing and turning. Luckily, Dustin slept like the dead, so my restlessness did not keep him up as well. My nerves are also shot today. Most likely due to the fact of my lack of sleep. I have all this nervous energy coursing through me- which seems like a contradiction in terms, considering I want to do little other than just curl up on the couch and become best friends with my television and blankey.

But anyways, (yes, I started a sentence with the word "but". I had a sentence fragment earlier as well. So shoot me. ), onto more glorious things, like the stuff that has been going on in my life lately. Nothing exciting really with ME, but my kids had some fun.

My son got to go camping with his Boy Scout troop. REAL camping. They went up to camp, and have been gone since Sunday. He will be back some time tomorrow, and although it is his dad's weekend with him, I am itching to find out how it went! He was so excited to get going. When it was time to load up, he went running to the truck without even giving me a hug goodbye! I asked if I was going to get one, and he ran up, gave me one of those lean-into half hugs, and ran back to the truck. It was awesome.

My daughter thought she was going to be in hog heaven when he left for the weekend. Her best friend had come back into town, and was coming over the day he left. However, it only took until the end of the first night for her to comment that she missed her brother. It was touching. Her friend got to stay the night for two nights, and then she went and spent the night at their place on the boat. That was a unique experience for her. I think she had fun. She also discovered this week that she is a huge Taco Bell fan. I think it brought a tear to Dustin's eye when she requested Taco Bell for lunch. He is a Taco Bell fanatic.

So- yeah. That's about all I've got going on at this time. If I think of anything else, I'll let ya know. However, I'm getting sick of typing, and want my nap! I don't get my nap, but I CAN stop typing. At least on this!

So, the Fathoms Of Fun Parade was this past Saturday, June 28th here in Port Orchard. Of course, the Port Orchard Library had a spot in it, and of course I got bullied into participating. Okay, okay, so I wasn't bullied. I volunteered. I got to be a book- the letter "R", to be exact. The kids got to wear their "Catch the Reading Bug" tshirts and ride their scooters behind our banner. Dustin walked alongside us, and took pictures as well as helping to hand out water when needed. Our branch manager, Kathleen dressed up as an old-schoolhouse librarian, and looked hilarious! Not to mention hot!

It was loads of fun. The walk up the hill to our starting point was worse than the route of the parade itself. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and the crowd was great. My entire entourage of family and friends showed up, and cheered generously at our complete lack of real practice, and our flubbing of spellings. It all added to the atmosphere and fun and worked out really well for us. So well, in fact, that we won the "best" title in the public service portion of the parade!

My coworker Wally did an incredible job of dreaming up the act, as well as preparing the costumes. They were excellent! I'm sure we'll keep them for future fun!

I'll have pictures posted soon. Dustin has to upload them and get them resized for me. Then you all can see the hilarity!

I finally got my kitty cat!!! I got her this past Saturday. She is a little 10ish week old Bombay girlie. She's the runt of the litter. She's got some huge bear paws. When we got her, she was grimy, and had bugs. But she looked healthy otherwise. We took her home, gave her a flea bath, put a flea collar on her, and wallah! She's as good as new! She's black, but you can see the lightening up marks where it looks like she may be getting some stripes.

The first night, she would not leave my side. Yesterday, (Sunday), she crawled underneath a table and would not move until I got home from work. Muttley, our dog, doesn't quite know what to think of this little thing running around his domain. Luckily, he's rather accepting of her, and looks like he really wants to play, but is a bit timid.

Boo is getting more adventuresome. She's been touring the house today. She's learned to crawl up every one's legs, and the couch. And my massage chair. She's got some demon claws on her, which we need to get trimmed. The kids are thrilled with her. I'm thrilled with her. And even Dustin is thrilled with her, though you won't get him to admit it.

I'm hoping to get pictures up soon!

It occured to me the other day that I haven't blogged on here in awhile. I'm sure there are dozens of millions of you out there just dying to know what in the world I've been up to! Ok.. so maybe I'm letting my head get a bit out of kilter, but I hope there is at least someone out there who looks at this. hehe...

Anyways.. to answer that begging question.. well, not a whole hell of alot. I've been doing a little bit of writing, albeit most of it is still in my head. I've got a snippet of it on my thaydra.com website, but be advised that the entire thing there is probably already rewritten... at least in a different context. But I think it's a pretty interesting storyline, and it's gone round in my head enough for me to think I may just get something done with this one.

We had our Ants in your Pants dance party at the library here last evening. I had to work it, but I brought the kids down, and they had a blast. I didn't even know my daughter could hula hoop! She won second place in their contest! LOL. She didn't stop from the moment we got here until the moment we left. Even when the music was not playing, she was still moving. My coworkers got a kick out of it. My son enjoyed himself too, but maybe not to the extent his sister did. But I saw him out there dancing and jumping around as well.

I'm going to be in our annual 4th of July parade this year with my coworkers. I get to be the letter "E". And I'm a book. Figure that one out. Or just come down and watch. It's going to be on June 28th, in Port Orchard. What fun it will be! And the fair will be in town, so I'm sure we'll end up there.

Ok.. that's about all the excitement I can type for right now. I have to actually go work before I go home!

Some parents just amaze me at their utter disregard for their children. So many people seem to view the Library as a large daycare. They bring their kids in and just let them run rampant, usually while the parent cruises around on the Internet. Meanwhile, their child starts to get bored, and cranky. Often-times it's little tike, a toddler or baby, stuck in their stroller or on the parent's lap.



Then the parent gets irritated because the child is interrupting their Internet usage. It flabbergasts me that they bring in these young kids and expect them to keep still and quiet for son long. Usually there is not even anything brought in to entertain the child.



Now, I can understand the parent that is here because they have no Internet access at home, and need to check email or apply for a job or work on a resume.. etc etc . But most of these parents I see are just browsing their MySpace pages and looking at other people.



Many of these people, stereotypically I know, seem young and rather uneducated. Not ready for having a child but with one anyways. Now, I'm saying nothing against that.. I was not ready and had one anyways. Hell, I had two. But I don't bring them out in public and expect them to act like angels when they are bored and tired. Especially when they are at an age where anything that is not selfish is not even cognitively possible for them. When I take my kids out, I try to make sure I am aware of how tired they are, or may get. How bored they will be and if I have to be out, try and find them something to do that is entertaining, even if it's letting them bring a toy or something.



Parents.. your kids come first. Even before you. Respect them. Do you enjoy being dragged into someplace where you are stuck and unable to do anything even remotely enjoyable while someone else screws around doing nonsense stuff? Think about it.

There is a house down the street from me. It is a cute little two-story thing, reminiscent of a doll-house. They have been working on it lately, giving it a new paint job of a pretty blush pink with some nice dark lavender trim. There are brightly colored flowers blooming out front, with the cozy seating area.

My daughter has always thought of this house as "the dollhouse". The other day we were driving by, and I was pointing out some of the new additions I had noticed. We had just picked her two girlfriends up and were coming back to our house. As I pointed out the house, she chimed:

" I like it lots better pink and purple. When it was blue it was scary.. like a scary haunted dollhouse, with zombie barbies..."

She then proceeded to imitate what a zombie barbie would look like. Her and her friends then went on to create a scenario of how they would act, how they would eat each other until they were all zombies and then they would be friends again.....


*******************************************************************************


Later on that same afternoon, while the kids were playing, my son and the oldest of the two sisters were downstairs co-oberating on how they would stage my son's death to scare the younger two (my daughter and the other sister). They were complete with finding the Nerf dart gun, and sticking the dart square on my son's head.. they were using a light saber to stage a stabbing... (is that what it's called when you are stabbed with a light saber?).

My daughter, the sneaky one she is, comes creeping down the stairs, complete in her pretty pink dress, white stockings and black patent baby doll shoes, armed with a long plastic sword. She motions with her finger for me not to give her away as she sneaks down the hall, and then- while my son and the oldest sister friend are still plotting how to scare the crap out of the younger two with his faked death, my daughter pounces and starts to slash him with her sword.

She even makes the "shlllish, shlllish" noises of the sword slicing through him....

It was hilarious.




*********I really need to get video set up in my house..............

Anyone recognize the name of Anna Jarvis ? If you are celebrating this day, you should remember it. Ms. Jarvis is the founder of mother's day. She gave a memorial for her own mother on May 12th, 1907, and embarked on a mission to create a day special to mothers. She chose for it to be celebrated on a Sunday so that it would be a "holy" day, and on the 2nd Sunday in May, since that was when her own mother passed. Seven years later, in 1914, her goal became nationally recognized.



Anna Jarvis soon became embittered by the holiday she had created. It did not take long for this "holiday" to become emersed in the same commercialization as many of the other holidays. What was meant to be a celebration of Mom became just another push for companies to market their wares, and the thought that in order to celebrate you had to spend spend spend became ingrained in the minds of Americans. Anna Jarvis and her sister wound up spending their inheritance on campaigning against the very holiday she had fought to so hard to create, and both died in poverty. She is quoted as saying "I wanted it to be a day of sentiment, not profit." She opposed the selling of flowers and also the use of greeting cards: "a poor excuse for the letter you are too lazy to write."

Anna Jarvis never married, and never had any children of her own.


In this respect, I wanted to take the time out of my day, and post my thoughts on mother's day. Personally.. I could care less for "bought" items. While I appreciate the thought and effort that goes into this process, I know the struggle, and the stress of trying to pick out that perfect gift in time. For me, a nice dinner with my family is all I need to have a perfect day (and I get that this year!). Coming home to a clean house so that I can just relax and not have to worry about cleaning up (my kids are in cleaning their rooms as we speak...can this day get any better??). Getting a back rub and watching my choice of TV, movie or game... (I got that this morning first thing!).


Of course though, there are always those who will not feel right without dropping some cash on mom for Mother's Day. In thanks, I thought, to help de-stress some of you, I would give a few suggestions for those who are bound and determined to buy something.

* Flowers- for those of you who want to get your mom flowers, it is a beautiful thought. However, cut bouquets die. How about letting her constantly remember your gift and thought of her throughout the year by getting her a pretty potted flower, or -even better- going over with some yard tools, pots, soil and seeds or starters, and getting down and playing in the dirt together while weeding and planting!

* Jewelry- I'm not big on jewelry. Never have been. And the jewelry I do like tends to be on the less expensive side, so I'm easy! For mother's day, stick with something motherly if you are going to go with jewelry. There are so many options out there now for mothers, from the I love mom pendants, to the mother's jewelry with the children's birthstones. And those aren't just the rings anymore! Now they come in rings, pendants, bracelets... you name it! Don't forget items like key chains too!

* Dinner- this one you just can't go wrong with. Whether you take her out, or stay in and cook for her, as long as she doesn't to cook or clean, she's gonna be happy! Just keep in mind if you do decide to go out, that waits will be long! Make sure to make reservations, or get there early to account for having to wait to be seated!

* Spa treatments- I normally don't do this, due to the cost. However, if the cost isn't an issue for you, this could be great for mom. I suggest either going with her, or buying it for her and a friend. While these places are nice, it's usually better if you have a girlfriend to gab with too!

* Candy- be careful with this one. If mom is trying to diet and watch her weight..this isn't going to be the best option for her. Even if you are trying to tell her you think she looks fine.. Candy isn't going to convince her after she's eaten the whole box! Also, be sure to watch for allergies (such as to nuts or milk). Go small and sweet. Keep in mind the kind of treats you've seen her relish in the past. If she's not crazy for creme filled chocolate, then that big box of creme filled chocolates you just bought her isn't going to come to much. Instead, why not be the one to take her out to ice cream!?

* Cards- this is nice, if you are so long distance that you cannot call or come over. However, if you send a card, make sure to drop a note in there as well! Let mom know how things are going, what you are up to, etc etc. Maybe go even a step further, and do something reminiscent, like describing one of your most treasured moments with her! Keep it sentimental (it can be funny too!) and real. Something that is more than just someone else's preprinted words on a card picked up on whim while standing at the grocery store.


In line with the ideas of being creative and specially tailored to mom, I came across the idea of "survival kits". These little kits could be created for a plethora of reasons, and were very sweet and thoughtful. Inside, you can include things like Hershey's hugs and kisses, to represent your love, band aids for hurt feelings, string because she's the one who tied everyone together, a star to represent her shining personality.. you get the picture. It takes some time to put together suitable objects and marking what they represent, but it shows the thought that went into it, and the care.


Hope this helps some of you wandering out there without any idea what to do. Happy Mother's Day to all you moms, and please please please add to my ideas here! Lets start getting what we want! hehe...

Last night after work, I went to pick up my kids from their dad's house. I had worn my heeled boots, and had had a very busy day and my feet were absolutely killing me. We were standing out on the front porch chatting while waiting for my son. My daughter kept leaning against me, and I would fall over a bit. She looked at me and told me "Mommy, you need to learn some kind of balance."

That statement kinda stuck with me. Not in the physical sense. I knew my lack of balance was due to the fact that my feet were so sore and I was tired. But in a mental sense. I have not felt balanced for a very long time. I feel like I'm off tilt... Like a globe that has been spun, but fallen off the holder, so it's warbled and distorted. My lack of balance within myself announces itself in a variety of mental and physical attributes. I have been sick allot lately. More-so than what is usual. I have consistent headaches, stomachaches, body aches. I have a hard time concentrating or remembering things. Noises of a certain caliber set all of my nerves on fire when they never bothered me before.

I've been feeling off kilter with myself. Nothing seems to fit right. I feel an awesome loss in development of pieces of myself that need to be fixed. I have a strong desire to re-embrace my spirituality- at least on a basic scale. I have the need to get outside and put my hands in the ground and dig in the dirt. Problem is- I really have no yard, and while I can do potted plants, I have a rather shadowy area to put them. I have started working around that though. I have a need to completely clean everything out. A big Spring cleaning bug. I need to completely declutter my house. Problem with that is I have no where to put anything. I suppose I should just pull everything out and sort through it. Really evaluate my reasons for keeping it and see if I should just let it go. And then if I decide to keep it, find a place for it. It's to the point where I want to just pull everything out of my house, and then slowly put it back in. If the weather was cooperating and my neighbors didn't exist, then I'd be tempted to do just that (well, and if there wasn't 2-3 flights of stairs to contend with).

The weather has been bogging me down lately too. I'm am very much a warm-weather kind of girl. I cannot bear the cold, and it is always so cold here. Spring just does not want to wake up and the Sun doesn't seem to want to give this area much attention. I feel like a forgotten child.. lol. I'm cold, and just want to curl up and wait for the weather to turn warm again. I see the blossoms on the trees, and want to go play, but can't stand the chill. And I know the Summer won't last very long once it gets here either. It's depressing. I really wish I could just pack up and move, but I can't.

Oh well... guess that is as good as I can explain my off-balanceness. That, and now I get to go get ready for work on the only day this week when it is suppose to actually be nice. Go figure.