~A Bitter Swallow~

  I know it's been awhile since I've been on here.  It's not for lack of substance matter to write about, for sure.  There has actually been tons of subjects matter to write about... I could write novels.  However, I just did not have the writer's mind or drive to get it all down on here.  I do regret that to an extent, as I hope one day I'm able to look back on all of this and laugh.  Or cry.  Who knows.

 In any event, I'm not here to write about all the stuff that's been going on since I last left you.  Not the death, or the birthdays, or the graduation, or the crap with my migraines and all of the issues that has caused.  Instead, what brought me here today is a quote I found quoted  inside of a little book entitled The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin.  It is quoted from a book that was a big part of the story called "The Late Bloomer".  I am not certain that book is actually real.  I've yet to research the matter.    It says:

"It is the secret fear that we are unlovable that isolates us, but it is only because we are isolated that we think we are unlovable.  Someday, you do not know when, you will be driving down a road.  And someday, you do not know when, he, or indeed she, will be there.  You will be loved because for the first time in your life, you will truly not be alone.  You will have chosen not to be alone."

This passage rang through me so deeply that I had to reread it a few times.  The words seemed to jump off the page as if they had been secretly written just for me.  It moved me so much that I reached down and plucked a dandelion from the ground and marked the page (inside the library's book, no less...) so that I could refer back to it.  Indeed, so that I could write this little scribble of my own.

I have always known that I tend to act this way.  Past issues have caused me to erect solid walls, massive fortresses, around my emotions.  I keep people at bay, and if I feel cracks forming in those walls, I flee.  I have sabotaged relationship after relationship in order to prevent those walls from coming down or being breached.  In fact, usually I run before an actual relationship is even formed, because I do not want the heartache.  I feel too deeply when I feel, and I do not want to hurt anymore.

As the quote says, it is because I feel unlovable that I fear that I will again and again be used and hurt in the long run.  That because I cannot see what could possibly be lovable about myself, I cannot fathom that anyone else would.  My heart has become dry and bitter, yet it still feels so much, and sometimes those feelings are unbearable.  So I keep it contained deep within me.  Protected, barricaded from the outside world.  I would rather be alone than chance that my heart will be stepped on once again.  Yet I constantly keep putting myself in situations that cause me pain and indecision.  I will tear a person or relationship apart and find all of the flaws in order to allow myself to rip it apart in order to maintain my walls, in order to flee without remorse.

Lately I've discovered that my walls are old and weakening.  Keeping them upright and solid is taking all of my strength, and I'm just so tired.  I'm also absolutely terrified.

(On a side note, this post is  not meant about family and friends, which I think is obvious.  That is a whole other part of my being, and while I am oftentimes hurt that way as well, the scars do not seem to run as deep and the wounds do not seep for quite as long.)