~A Bitter Swallow~

  Everything has become awkward.  Circumstances and predicaments that were once making me smile (and maybe even giggle) now are weird and distant.  There is tension there that wasn't before.  All because my stupid head won't screw on straight.  I keep putting myself into impossible situations, even though I know that it will hurt me.  I don't know why. 

  There are certain people I want to reach out to, but cannot, for other obnoxious reasons (and awkward circumstances and impossible situations).   Why do I continue to lock myself in this pit?

Fuck it.  I give up.  I'm done.

  Ok, I've been a bad girl, and haven't been posting my thankfuls.  I have been doing it my head throughout the days, though, I promise!   So, here I am, coffee in hand, migraine in my head, with time to spare before work, so I figured I'd have a go at it.  :)


1.  My daughter's modesty.   She is going to a dance tonight, and chose one of her old dresses to wear.  When she tried it on last night, she discovered it comes to mid thigh, not knees as it did before.  So, she's wearing a pair of shorts underneathe.  =)  

2.  Real coffee.  After a few days of drinking instant coffee, regular drip coffee tastes like I imagine Heaven would.

3.  Getting my trellis made.  This also covers having awesome friends to help me and to let me use their supplies, equipment, and knowledge of how to do it.  (Welding).  Now I can get my squash planted and hopefully actually get a harvest this year.

4.  My paycheck.  I was getting really down to the wire in terms of food in the house, etc...  While I really still don't have any money, I at least have the option now of picking and choosing what gets paid for/bought and what has to wait longer, instead of only having the wait option. 

5.  Massage therapists.  I need to schedule an appointment with mine.  Unfortunately, I also need to end my membership there, but at least I can get a few more in beforehand.

6.  Good neighbors.  My neighbor is always on top of making sure we are kept in the loop in goings-on in the neighborhood, especially if it concerns our safety.

7.  The new Stephen King book that arrived in the mail.  =)

8.  Pre-ordering on Amazon.   It gives me enough time to forget that I did so, so then I open my mailbox and it's like random present time! 

9.  My glasses.  I don't like wearing them, but at least I can see!

10.  Socks.  They keep my feet warm.  :)

Today I am grateful for:

1.  The simple act of being able to lay out a blanket and lounge in the sun while reading a book.  One of my favorite things to do.

2.  Gardening.  There is something so deeply satisfying on multiple levels.  I never wear gloves when gardening (heavy gardening, such as pulling blackberry vines I will, but not normal weeding, planting, etc).  The feel of my hands in the dirt, the earth under my nails, is soothing and rewarding.

3.  Taking a walk through the woods.  Breathing that fresh air, even if it's next to a busy road, is healing.  Threading my way through the underbrush and through the moss and trees just has a way of reconnecting to Nature that not much else does. 

4.  Getting rent paid.  One less thing to worry about. 

5.  Cookies.  Pudding cookies.  Because, yum.

6.  Not feeling guilty about eating said cookies, and still feeling relatively good about myself.   I've been good about keeping up on my exercise, and striving to put better food into my body, so when I do eat those cookies, I don't stress over it.

7.  Nail polish.  Sometimes it's hard to get all the dirt out from under my nails, no matter how hard I scrub...

8.  Bird song.  It has much the same effect as walking through the woods.  If I close my eyes and just listen to them, I find their song can lift the tension from my shoulders and allow me to just live in the moment for the time.

9.  The smell of fresh-cut grass. Nothing says "Summertime" quite like the sound of a lawn mower and the smell of a freshly mown lawn.

10.  Cameras.  I love taking photos, especially candid shots and shots of random stuff. 

Ok, so technically today is the 4th, and I forgot to post my gratitude list yesterday.  So, I will do it this morning while I drink my coffee.  =) 



1.  I'm thankful for having one day of coffee left.  Not sure what will happen tomorrow morning, but after getting very little sleep last night... I'm thankful that I had coffee left for this morning.

2.  Streaming newscasts.  My mornings would not be nearly as calm and routine when I don't get to listen to/watch the news while drinking my coffee.

3.  Youtube and Pinterest.  They are how I get my morning workout in easily every (most) morning.

4.  Music.  It is such an emotional conduit for me.  Whatever emotion I am getting overwhelmed by, I can release it without causing damage to other people or things.  hehe

5.  Needle and thread.  I think I might have saved my daughter's favorite pair of jeans.  We'll see if it holds. 

6.  My blender.  Green monster smoothies.  Enough said.

7.  Blogger.  It lets put this list out there, where I feel more obligated to keep up with it, and since I'm on my laptop anyway, it's easier to sit down and get it done. 

8.  My cat.  He's a freaking hilarious little zombie kitty.  Cracks me up. Makes up for all the vomit and hairballs he decides to leave for me to step in first thing in the morning..or afternoon, or evening..

9.  Modern medicine.  As much as some of the technology out there really makes me cringe, the level of our ability to heal is a magical thing in my eyes.   (I'm listening about the 2 year old with the flesh-eating bacteria... poor baby.)

10.  Kids. They are just so stinking cute.  Unless they're not.

So, as promised, I am back for ten more things.  Now is a good time for it, too, as I'm feeling rather blue today. 

1.  My treadmill, so that I can run the angst out when it starts to get overwhelming.  Also, because I do actually enjoy running (jogging), and since it's inside, weather is NOT an excuse! 

2.  $5 pizza at Papa Murphy's.  The kids love it, and it doesn't break my bank (even when I spend my absolute last $5 on it). 

3.  Clean, running water.  Because I seriously need my shower and my drinking water after all that running. I'm kind of a neat freak as far as showering, often taking two a day.  Don't worry... they are super quick (we're talking 5 minutes, people).

4. Sunny days.  I'm solar powered, I'm pretty sure.  Honestly... give me a sunny day and I will show you productivity.  Otherwise I'm probably still in my jammies laying on the couch either sleeping or reading.  Not that reading isn't freakin' awesome.  I just have other shit that needs to get done, as well.  :)

5.  Books- for letting me easily travel between realms, worlds, and time. 

6.  Movies- for the same reason.

7.  Ditto for video games, just on another level.  They are also very good for blowing off some steam.

8.  Rain.  Yes, I went there.  Living in the Pacific Northwest, I tend to get sick of it.  However, without it we would just be another drab area.  The rain is what gives us our beautiful forests, rivers, lakes, etc....   Plus, I also absolutely LOVE the smell outside after a good rain.  It's also helpful to my plants, as I tend to forget to water them.... O.o

9.  Rainbows-  after the rain, they are there to remind us that a good cleansing can bring about ethereal beauty.   They remind me that tears can still be followed by hope and smiles.

10.  A working washer and dryer... because.. seriously....  

  I recently picked up a copy of "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrne from the library.  Not my usual cup of tea, but the snippet on the back tugged at some old heartstrings buried deep within my bosom, so I brought it home with me and flipped through it.  Here is what the back says:

"Remember when you were a child and you believed that life was magical?  Well, the magic of life is real, and it's far more breathtaking, awe-inspiring, and exciting than you ever imagined as a child.  You can live your dreams, you can have anything you want, and your life can touch the stars! Come with me on an unforgettable journey for 28 days, as we discover how truly dazzling our lives can be."

I know... a little cooky and new-agey in that dripping, sappy sort of way.  However, I do remember when I was a child and life was magical.  I remember how magical it stayed for a long time.  I don't know exactly when it started to fade, or when I started to become too jaded to still see and feel that magic, but I know its absence has left a deep, hollow cavern in my soul that is sucking the life out of me.  I need to refill it.   I figured, if I could get through the hype and the chalkboard scratching, over-the-top "Atta Boy!" feel of the new-agey books, then maybe I could use it as a tool to help me regain that lost magic. 

It does read like an infomercial.  I do admit that.   It's full of exclamation points and the sense that you absolutely cannot live a happy, successful, satisfying life without this!   That said, I think she's right.  You can't.  I say this, because the product she is pushing is gratitude.  I mean, seriously, have you ever met a person who was truly happy who wasn't grateful for something?  How can you truly be happy with something if you don't appreciate it??   Of course, we immediately think of material things when we think of appreciating what we have, but look beyond the tangible and take a broader view.  All of Life itself... how wondrous is it?  How beautiful and magical?  


I decided to give her 28-days a shot.   What could it hurt?   I am not going to chronicle each step here, as some of it is too personal and is only for me to mull over.  Some I will share perhaps, but not everything.  For that, go pick up the book and flip through it yourself.  That said, the first step she proposes is that every day, you write down ten things you are thankful for in your life, and why.  Whether it be something as broad as "my job" or as little as "the chocolate bar I had after dinner".   Many of my items will probably overlap a bit, as more detailed moments of gratitude are acknowledged alongside broader scopes of gratitude.  That's okay, though.  The idea is to think about it, recognize it, acknowledge it, and then truly be thankful for it.   

So here are my ten things I'm grateful for, and why.  Today's list is very broad and encompassing, as well as obvious, as I imagine most lists start out as: 

1.  My kids.  I've spoken of this so very often on my blog, as well as in real life.  They are the most important thing in my life.  They keep me grounded when I want to fly away.  They are what keep me making better decisions, not just in my care for them, but also in being a positive role model for them. 

2.  My family.  They are my foundation; my roots.  They are nearby, and I know will always be there for me.

3.  My friends.  Same as my family. 

4.  My health.  Not just in general, but also the fact that I've decided to take charge of it, both physically and mentally.

5.  The health of my loved ones.  Pretty simple here.  I have seen the heartache and stress having a loved one with health issues can impart, and so far I have been blessed with the happiness, health, and safety of those closest to me.

6.  My job.  Not only does it provide me with money to help pay for the cost of living, but I actually enjoy what I do.  After working a couple of jobs that I loathed, the fact that I love my job is still fantastic!

7.  My coworkers.   My job would not be nearly as satisfying if it were not for the fact that I work with a fabulous team.   They are all considered a friend as well as a coworker.

8.  My community.  I adore where I live.  I do not worry about our safety.  The kids have a good school, and great friends.

9.  Shelter.  I have a roof over my head, which is more than many can say.  It may not be "ideal" but it is better than other places I've lived, and much better than nothing at all.  It has space for us, and my landlady is attentive, patient, and understanding.  Its location is also perfect.

10.  Coffee.  My mornings would not be nearly as nice without it.  ;-)


So there you go.  I plan to do this every day for the entire month of June.  So, if you see I miss a day, throw stuff at me, and call me names until I post it!   And hey... it will also force me to write every day, which I need to do anyway.  =)