~A Bitter Swallow~

  So.... I "started" that 100 Days of whatever.   I was supposed to be recording stuff, doing reviews, keeping track, holding myself accountable. 

Well here's an update.  So far:   I've completed one (1) day of it.  That was the first day.  It wasn't even a whole day.  I did some stuff on the list.  Of the list, the only thing I can remember for sure completing is an organization task- because I organized the coffee table that I sit at.  It's what you could consider my "desk" , I suppose. 

That's it. 

/sigh.

I have excuses.  That's all they are.  Excuses.  They are not good ones.  There's no reason as to why I didn't do more on this other than the fact that I'm stubborn and I didn't feel like it.  Sometimes I really need a good kick in the ass, you know?   Yes, you know.  If you've been reading this (or know me at all), I know you know.  

I also recently read through something that made me realize just how utterly insane going through the process of going on and off the antidepressants, as well as trying out different migraine medications,  coupled (or would it be considered tripled?) with dealing with dormant "feelings",  all at the same time made me....   It was pretty bad.  Strike that.  It was absolutely embarrassing. No, strike even that.  Humiliating.    I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the nuthouse.  That's almost a literal statement.    I'm looking back on things and trying to decipher what in this screwed up head of mine was even real.  I mean, I know what I felt.  I just wonder what was real. 

I'm so fucked.  It's not even funny.  I mean, it's humorous enough to laugh at myself, because if I don't I just might slit my wrists... but it's not even funny. 


At least all that shit has stabilized.  I'm off the antidepressants.  That was the smartest decision I made, I think.  I might not think so in a month or two, once the depression hits, but that shit messes me up.  I remember why I stopped before.  I know it's most likely probably more a matter of needing to figure out which one works for me, but I just don't have the finances or patience for that.  Not to mention I just don't know that I can handle going through the side effects.  They are really bad for me.  My only regret is that I didn't wait.  Or do it sooner.  I have the worst timing in the world.  I swear I'm a calamity of errors.  Welcome to my life.

I went back on the previous anti-migraine med once I was off the antidepressant, and that seems to have been a good decision as well.  It has been working.  So, I'm two for two in that department so far.  Again...  I just wish my timing had been better.


It's Fall.  It's my favorite time of year.   As much as I dread what I know lurks for me in the upcoming shadows and corners, I also anticipate the ritual of turning inward and exploring those dark areas.  Every time I do I gain something.  Every time I come out the other end stronger and with some greater knowledge of myself; some tighter grasp of power over my darker side.

I always emerge.. and that is the important part.

  I was driving home after running an errand after work today, and I noticed as I drove past a cemetery I felt a sense of peace wash over me.  It's always been that way.  Cemeteries have always been a place of comfort. Even as a teenager I would gravitate towards the cemetery when I needed calm.  What is it about being among the dead that delivers such a deep sense of tranquility in me?  I wanted to stop the car, get out, walk between them, read their headstones, listen to the wind whisper stories while the rain showered down on me;  Then curl up on-top of the gravestones, huddle among them and just close my eyes for awhile.

Perhaps it is the fact that they no longer judge (that I am aware of).  Or that I can talk and they just "listen".  They do not argue or say mean things (that I can hear).   And while they do not respond, I do not have to watch them blatantly ignore me.  At least they have a good excuse.  They're dead.

Or perhaps it's their complete lack of responsibility or duty anymore that I am drawn to.  They are no longer attached to the demands of the societies of this world.  Love, acceptance, success -even in the smallest of senses -  .... none of that matters.  There's just the cool earth crumbling, eternal sleep, rest.  At least that's what I can see at this end.

Do I believe that's all there is... a rotting corpse in the ground?  No.  I believe our souls journey on.  That escape sure sounds appealing though.   That rest.

  Summer is nearing its end, and as Autumn approaches and the colder months make their appearance, my mind turns even more inward and introspective.  I've looked at the 100-day challenge before and have tried it.  I never make it the 100 days, but still find its ideas a worthwhile pursuit.  I feel it probably fits better for a Spring Cleaning type deal, but the outline makes a comforting guide to start with when the deep introspection hits, as it can get a bit heavy if left unchecked.

Fall is my favorite, but it is also my hardest.  It is when my depression is most likely to hit the worst, perhaps because of the deep introspection that I put myself through.  A lot of ugly stuff gets drug up during the twilight  months of the year for me.  No particular reason for these months, other than maybe a SAD thing. It just happens every year.  Some years are better than others.  Some years are more medicated that others.  :)   This year I will be un-medicated.  I believe I was un-medicated last year as well.   I lived through that one;  I expect the same this time.  :)

Someone had shown me the challenge a couple years ago.   Of course, if you Google "100 Day Challenge" you are going to get a million different types of challenges.  The one I am specifically going off of is This One.   Simple, small ways.  Baby steps.  That's what I need.  I pick a few at a time and incorporate them in.  Some that I have chosen before are already a part of my routine now.  Time to make a couple more routine for me.  Some I can't quite make habit, but I'm going to keep trying.

I'll blog about it here.  I'll be good about it for a little while, and then they'll stop.  Like before.  Or maybe I'll do better this time.  Who knows?  I make no promises to myself, or to anyone else.   I will do what I can.

Some of the things I plan to do this go-round:

1. I've made a notebook to plan out days of decluttering.  I need to figure out what to do with stuff I want to donate, since I don't want to take it to the Goodwill.  I'm thinking shelters, etc., so I need to do the legwork to figure out where is accepting those donations.  I'm not good with legwork, so another thing to work on.  Of course, having a cordless phone would help with that, so maybe that's a purchase I should actually look into making.
2. Work around the house- some of that I'm going to have to get outside help with.  I just don't know how to do some of the stuff.  I do need to put together the list though, and then figure out what exactly I need to make it happen, and then get that shit together and get it done.  Just fucking do it.  I'll feel better about it.  The stuff I can do can go onto that calendar with the decluttering.
3. A variation on the things I am grateful for-  listing all of the positive things I can think of that happened throughout the day.  I need to remember those when things get dark.  
4. On that same note- listing the positive things about myself.  I tend to forget these things.  I'll forget them often.  I may need to actually list them- physically write / type them down, because some days that list will be empty for me. 
5. Make a list of things I enjoy doing, and then making sure I do at least one of them every day.  
6. Have a good laugh every day.  If possible, share it. 
7. Learn something new every day.  Share it.
8. Stop complaining.  If I realize I am complaining about something, stop immediately.  Do something to fix it instead (if possible). 
9. Keep "Morning Pages".  Three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing done first thing in the morning.  This will require me to wake up a bit earlier than I do now, but I find it intriguing.  My mind is in high gear the moment I wake up.  Getting what's in there written down could be interesting.  LOL  
10. On the same note, I'd like to do a version of "Evening Pages".  Bascially a journal...  thoughts before going to bed.  Whether this is done via blogging or in a notebook, I am not sure, but I think I need to do it.  
11. Make it a point to feed your mind with the thoughts, words, and images that are most consistent with who you want to be, what you want to have, and what you want to achieve.   This one is tentative, though.  I feel it is a slippery slope between motivation and aspiring, and then reminding myself of what I don't have and making myself feel worse.   I'll have to see how I react to it.  
12. Take a notebook with me everywhere and record everything, dates, to do items, ideas, etc...  so that my mind can stay decluttered.   Organize accordingly as needed/necessary at the end of the day (enter into planner, etc.  )
13. Identify one low-priority activity you can stop doing (Facebook) and devote it to a high priority task instead
14. Write for at least 30 minutes every day
15. Do (at least) one creative thing every day, not including the writing
16. Eat five servings of vegetables every day (find out what exactly that looks like)
17. Eat three servings of fruit every day (find out what exactly that looks like) 
18. Drink more god damned water
19. Eat breakfast every day
20. Create a list of 20 healthy, easy to fix meals that can be eaten for lunch or dinner
21. Create a list of 10 healthy, easy to fix breakfast meals
22. Create a menu plan using the lists, shop accordingly and actually make them.
23. Keep a food log
24. Get at least 20 minutes of actual exercise in every day.  Walking the hill home from work doesn't count.
25. Stretch every day.
26. The challenge says to connect with someone new.  I say I hate people so fuck that.  I will, however, make it a point to reach out to the people I already know.  I'm horrible about that and need to be better about connecting with the friends I already have.  So I'll make it a point to connect with two or three people a day that I don't already talk with on a daily (or mostly regular) basis.  How's that?  
27. When someone does or says something that upsets you, take a moment to think over your response before responding right away.   I already do this.  However, what I tend to do is completely overthink and overreact and take something and twist it into thinking it's way worse than it actually is, and then instead of talking to the person about it, I'll just think the worse and it builds and builds and then ugly things happen in my head.  So I need to make sure I clarify things with people when I think they've said something that upset me.  lol

So, those are the ones I'm going to focus on.   If anyone has any suggestions or tips they'd like to share, feel free.  I'm all ears.  Or anything they think I should add to the list that isn't on the original list of 60.  Or something that I left off that you feel I really should work on.  

I'm not sure how much of this I'll be able to update on here, but I can do the reviews.  Whether those will be daily or weekly will depend on my mood of course.  I'm sure it will be sporadic  I think I'm keeping my list fairly simple and easy to manage this time, though.  They are goals that I want to achieve, and I'm not over-extending myself on anything.  If you feel so inclined, join me on it. :)