~A Bitter Swallow~

  I'm really trying to be excited about our new place.  I don't plan on having to move again anytime soon, so I want to actually be happy where I am.  The problem is, I just can't seem to.  It works.  It is a roof over our head.  It is not falling down around us.  There is a bedroom for each of us, and two bathrooms. 

But it's not what I want.  After almost having what I want, it is hard to go back.

I don't have room for chickens.  I'll never have them, and it's time I resign myself to that fact.  There isn't room for the garden that I want.  I'm not even sure when I'll even be able to put in a garden at all.  But what bothers me the most is that it is not a house geared toward having company over;  Especially not the way we've had to set it up to make it work for our family dynamic.  I will never really have anyone over for dinner.  There is a park across the street that we can play in, and next summer when the weather is nice again we can barbeque outside, but there is no room inside for me to host any gatherings.  I'm not even planning a get-together for my birthday, because I simply don't have anywhere to put the people (nor the money to feed and entertain them, but that's another sob-fest).

I really want to be happy where I am.  I berate myself constantly for not doing so.  I need to learn to appreciate what I have, acknowledge that I have so much more than some others, blah blah blah.  Does my selfishness make me a horrible person?  Probably.  Does the acknowledgement of that change anything?  Not even a little. They say that home is where the heart is.  My heart isn't here.  I don't know know where it is, to be honest.

But I try.

  I finally got around to making a new sugar scrub today.  My skin feels fantastic.  I haven't had any kind of exfoliate for my face in ages, and it sure felt it.  Now it's all smooth again, and I'm content.  A good thing to help me feel a little better on a day spent feeling like crap (I'm sick, and I hate it). 

I didn't take any pictures.  The container I used is just a cleaned out glass jar I bought some organic honey in at the Farmer's Market last year.  This stuff smells really yummy.  One of the best parts about it- if you get some in your mouth, or lick your lips right after using it, it's okay!   It is sweet, and makes me want to go kiss someone.  I scrub very lightly on my face and lips, neck and chest area.   I smooth it on and then rinse off with warm water.  When I am using it in the shower, I do it right before I do my final rinse to get out.  But be forewarned-  this will leave an oily layer on the bottom of the tub, so be careful and make sure to rinse it well so that the next person getting in doesn't slip! 


How I did it:

1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup sunflower oil (olive oil works well, too)
1-2 teaspoons Vitamin E oil*
1 teaspoon almond extract*
1/2 teaspoon lavender oil*

(*amounts approximate- I just eyeballed it.  They are also totally optional.  The almond and lavender can be switched out for whatever yummy scents you so desire!)

Mix together sugars until well combined.  Add sunflower oil and mix with a fork until all sugars are moistened.  Add the remaining oils and stir well.  Spoon into a clean container with a tight fitting lid. 

To use:   Take a small amount into your fingers and wet with just a small amount of water until sugar forms a paste.  Massage gently into skin.  You can let sit a minute if you want.  Do not scrub!   Use a light touch- especially on your face!  Rinse with warm water and pat dry. 

I just store mine on the counter in my bathroom.  The previous batch I made I stored in my shower, on an area that did not get the spray from the shower head.  Be sure to put the lid back on securely after using, so water does not get inside. 

(Please note that I started writing this a couple of weeks ago!)

Fall is definitely in the air. No really- I can feel its chill bite when I walk outside. The breeze has got a nip in it now, unlike the warm caresses of summer. Fall is more playful- pricking you with little pinches, roughing up your cheeks until they are a blush pink. Not quite as tough as winter, who plays a bit harder, but enough to put that pep back in your step. Oh, the temperatures are supposed to go back up to the 80s, according to the news reports I've seen.

 However, Fall has made herself known, shown that she is here, waiting for her time to start. She is in the back room, reading her book, watching the clock until the time for her to begin her shift is near enough to come up front and start working.


I see the sunflowers, their faces turned up to the sunshine, basking in it; their arms wide to embrace it.



The leaves are beginning to change color- backdrops painted in rusty oranges, reds, and gold.



Pictures of pumpkins and haystacks are beginning to make their rounds on the internet.



Soon they will be alongside the Indian corn in the markets,



 begging to be made into some scrumptious pie



 or stew.


I love Fall. It is my favorite season, believe it or not. Especially these kinds of Fall... where the temperatures stay warm enough and dry enough to still enjoy the outdoors. Don't get me wrong- I am a sun whore. I love high, dry temperatures and lots of sunshine to go play in the lakes with. However, there is something about those days where you want to go run and jump in those huge piles of leaves that you have to rake up from your yard- but then chill enough to go sit around a fire afterwards, making smores and sipping hot cocoa.

  So much has happened since I last wrote.  I've wanted to come write about it, but life, procrastination, and feeling like a broken record all got in the way.   My stress levels have switched, going from being worried about having to move, over to bills and finances and all that wretched money crap. 

  We were lucky enough to find a place to move into.  The landlady is kind enough to allow us some leeway on getting the deposits paid.  However, they still lurk there.  We are still waiting to see what we get back from the other place.  According to Sandy (the property management person), she has until the 14th to get it to us.  That's two days from now.  I'm sure it won't happen until then, and we'll probably still have to go knocking on doors to get it.  Then, I have no doubts, will be the arguing over what they charged.  I'm expecting it to be ridiculous.  

 Then, of course, comes all the back up of bills that happen with a move.  I don't know that it is normal for most people, but for us, we have to skip a month of bill paying in order to move.  I'm not sure why that was necessary this past time, since she did not require the deposits up front, but for some reason the last paycheck vanished.  However, the extra gas, on-the-fly eating, purchasing items to clean and repair the old house, while buying stuff needed at the new house.. all that adds up.  And the bills got pushed to the background.  Now I get to play catchup, and it seems to be a lot harder this time. 

There is a ton of crap in my head, that I am not going to drown you all with.  Let's just say that my brain is still not at 100% focus lately.. to distracted with this, that, and the other.   Not to mention I usually feel like an idiot when I start discussing stuff with people.  Ah, well, the joys. 

But we are moved in, and starting to get settled.  School has started once again, and the kids are off to their bigger-kid classes.  I find it completely irrational and unbelievable that my children are no longer in elementary school.  I can't possibly be old enough for that.  Yet, there it is.  /sigh.

Time moves much too quickly.   There should be a pause button.