I have 2 tattoos on me, and they both mean something pretty significant. They both mark times in my life that came with great change. I may not have gotten them during that change, but they represent it. I've recently made a tremendous change in my life, maybe the biggest (other than having children, of course) and want a way to remember it. I want that visual reminder of why I am putting myself (and others) through this; something I can look at to remember what it is I am trying to accomplish, something to give me that boost when I want to give up.
I just need to figure out what it is that is happening, and a way to put it into a visual representation. Something that will mean something just to me, really.
Now I have 3 tattoos I need to get. Nope, 4.
They are like potato chips, no?
*sigh*
A small list of things that made me giggle for your viewing pleasure while digesting all that food:
I am such an idiot sometimes. I have a knack for getting myself into the most outrageous, aggravating situations. It would be rather comedic if it didn't cause me so much panic, stress, and overall bewilderment. Okay, it's still humorous, but only because if I don't laugh, I'd probably slit my wrists.
Please note: This post contains highly personal information about me. If you do not feel comfortable knowing this stuff, please do not read.
The last couple of weeks have been horrible. There is so much chaos in my head right now, it is completely overwhelming. I'm still in a state of shock, trying to absorb what has happened, even though I am the one who initiated it. I am moving through life like a ghost, or a shadow. I'm thin, transparent, vapid. I am having a hard time connecting with reality all the way. You know that filmy feeling, when you start to wake up but aren't quite all the way yet? That's where I've been residing.
But, it was time. It is time.
I had an epiphany in the middle of last month. One that has been trying to worm its way through for a long time now. It was suddenly able to burst forth from its confines and shout its meaning through my thick skull. You know that saying "It was like someone flipped a switch."? Yeah, I totally get that now. Because it was. One day, in the middle of the day, it just happened, and I knew. I knew what was happening (or not happening), and I knew what I had to do.
I have an expiration date. You may laugh, but laugh because it's painfully and sadly true. I get into a relationship, and after so much time has passed, it spoils. I spoil. Something inside of me starts to go rancid, like it sat out on the counter for a couple of days before being put back in the fridge. But by then, the change has already occurred. So now, while sitting in the fridge, the contamination festers, feeding slowly and quietly from the inside. There comes a point when I no longer am content to be in a relationship. My feelings change. My heart changes. There is no remedy; no rekindling. Once it starts to fizzle, it's over. It burns bright and hot, but once the fire is out, there is nothing left but ash. There is nothing left with which to rebuild that fire- nothing left to burn. So the ashes sit there rotting and molding, eating away everything around it.
I've always been this way. From the very beginning; as far back as I can remember. I can't seem to settle down. I've always read those stupid fairy tales, about true love. I honestly believe some people just aren't built that way. I'm not. People tell me that I just haven't found "the one" yet. Well, folks, I'm 36 years old, and at this point, I don't really care about "the one" anymore.
My epiphany actually came in the form of finally realizing what my problem was. Why can I not seem to love, like everyone else does? What is so broken inside of me that I cannot feel the way others do? That my brain and heart become so twisted and warped.
The light switch was realizing that I do not love myself. I have never loved myself. But how could I? I don't even know myself. I have never given myself that chance. I have never given myself the opportunity to just be me, without anyone else, and discover who I am. How can I give my love to someone else, when I have no love inside of myself to give? (Well, except for the love of my children, but that is an entirely different kind of love and doesn't apply here. Thank goodness, because then I'd really be in trouble.) I have been attached to a boyfriend ever since I was fourteen years old. And that first boyfriend was a horrible experience. A year of rape, belittlement, and brainwashing can really mess with a young girl's mind. I was saved from that first boyfriend by another guy; Not by myself. After that, I think I just became to dependent on the boys to "save" me and protect me. I was afraid to be alone. I don't even know what prompted this. You'd think it would be the opposite. It doesn't make sense to me yet, although I'm sure there is some deep psychological reasoning behind it that I just haven't delved into yet.
But that is just what I need to do. I need to go deep into my psyche, and find out what is in there. Stir that pot around and see what rises to the surface, analyze it, fix it. Try to make sense out of it anyway. And I realize the first step in doing that is to break the cycle; to let myself be on my own. To force myself to take care of myself, and to protect myself. I need to build the confidence within me that I am not this weak person; That I am capable. Maybe then I can begin to trust myself, and eventually, to love myself.
I do want to make it very clear that just because my fires burn out does not mean that there was never any real love there, because there was. There still is. It just morphs into something different; something gentler and kinder- not the fierce kind of love that a real romantic relationship should have. It's more the love for a very good friend. Do know that my heart is not completely cold. I am thankful for this, because I was afraid for a long time- that my heart wasn't there; that it had been replaced by this frozen rock. But it's there. Deep inside, it still beats. I'm hoping that eventually the frost will wear off... that the heat inside of it will thaw it out, and that the frostbitten parts will heal. It is going to take time; so much time. And it's going to hurt. A lot. But I'm willing to face that now. I'm willing to face that dark, unknown path. I know that at the end, there will be something wonderful and freeing. At the end, I will be able to soar.