~A Bitter Swallow~

I think I'm losing my fucking mind. 
And there's no drugs to blame it on this time.

I'd point the finger at the fact that I'm not feeling well today, enough so that I called out of work, but that would just be me finding a scapegoat and I damn well know it. I've been struggling with this for a while.  I was consoled by the thought that perhaps it was just the medication I was on for that week (an antibiotic that apparently is somewhat known for it's effect on one's mental health), however I know that if anything it only helped to heighten something that was already there to begin with. 

I went to a mental health class a few weeks ago- trying to give us some tips and tools while on the job for dealing with people who might be suffering from mental health issues.  There was one point early on where I almost got up and walked out.  Things were ringing too true to my own ears and I almost just couldn't stomach it anymore.  I know there's something wrong with me, but I just don't have the balls to reach out and actually try and get help for it.  I'm not sure what they could help with. 

I try hard to be a good person.  I try to stay positive, to think forward, to let go of things I cannot change, and to work on things I can.  I try to truly appreciate the things that I do have, and not dwell on the things that I don't. 

However, I can feel that darkness in me twisting and growing.  I can feel it clutch my insides, running it's talons within, scratching and tearing.  It would be so easy to just "let go".  To just let it do its thing.  To just not care anymore.  To not feel. 

I'm not even sure the things I'm fighting for are things I truly want or can even honestly have.  Not as in I'm not worthy or I am not good enough to get it... I just wonder if I'm even capable of some of this shit.  

And then others I'm afraid of taking too far.

Is this all vague enough for you?