~A Bitter Swallow~

   I haven't been very good about keeping up on my blogging here lately.  Well, it's been pretty terrible for awhile now.  But part of my goals for the new year were to blog weekly.  And, I haven't been.  Most of that is because I don't want to whine on here, and it feels like that's all I do.  Who wants to read that?  And, lately, I haven't had much positive stuff to talk about.  I guess nothing terrible has happened, so there is that.  That is positive, right? 

  I'm starting to seriously think that I need to start looking for a second job.  Something very flexible, since it will have to work around the job I already have at the library.  I just know that if I go there- if I work another job- it will kill me.  Inside,  I will die.  I'm not kidding, and I'm not exaggerating.  I'm already sick in the head.  This is not a new concept to me.  I know it.  I can function in society and be a "normal" person on the outside, but I am very much aware that inside I am seriously screwed up.  Having to work hurts me.  It sounds childish, and whiney, and tantrumy, but there it is.  I am the type of person who desires deep down inside to be a housewife.   To take care of the kids, and the chores, and all that.  It isn't going to happen.  I dont' think ever.  That hurts.    If I have to take on a second job, I'll have even less time.  And more stress in my head.  But, financially, it's starting to look like that is what is going to have to happen. 

I can't even do the simple things I want to do- like bake or craft- because I always need an important component, but don't have the money to go get it.  I want to take up knitting, for example, but can't stomach spending the $3 for the needles, because I need to put that on the kids' lunch accounts to make sure they can eat lunch for the week.  I want to bake a cake or something, but I've used all the eggs, and now we don't have any.  That kind of thing.

  I guess I have my tax return to look forward to.  I can pay off some debts, and get at least caught up so that I'm not drowning.  But, it's not going to get me forward.  I still am stressing about how to handle the kids' birthday, since I really have no extra money whatsoever.  Luckily, they've both said they just want to have a party at the house this year, so I won't have to worry on that end.  But I do have to concern myself with food and activities.  Maybe the weather will cooperate enough for us to be outside.

I just need something to change.  I can't keep doing this.  It's wearing on me too much.  I need stability, and I just don't have that and it turns my stomach each and every day.  It's all I think about.  I can't sleep because things roll through my head-  mostly the stuff I already talked about: how to pay bills, rent, pay for the kids' activities, gas... It's all money.   I hate money.  

  I walk to and from work when I can.  When it's not pelting rain or subfreezing temperatures (which, I'm starting to think will be getting here soon).  When I walk, I think.  I let go of my thoughts and just let them wander where ever they want to take me.  Sometimes this is a good thing.   Sometimes it's really not. 

In any event, I was walking to work the other day, thinking about money.  That's been the hot topic for my little brain the past few months.  Even more so lately.   I was having a bit of a down morning- more freaking out than calm about what the hell I'm going to do about bills, etc.   I started thinking about those people who have money.   Rich folk.  I don't know how I got onto them, but I did.  At first I was envious.  Of course.  But not in an aggressive or violent kind of way.  Just a jealous way.  

It was then that I thought to myself that I value stuff too much.  I put too much stock into what I have. I began to berate myself for being one of those whiney little kids who throws a tantrum because their parent didn't buy them an Ipad for Christmas.  But then another part of my brain reared up, vehemently denying such allegations.  It pointed to what I had when I did have money (I have never been anywhere close to rich, or well off, or mainstream.  But I've had more than I do now).   I don't really spend it on stuff.  It asked me to revisit my dreams of winning the lottery (or finishing my book and having it be successful... pft), and what I would do with that money.    I did this and came to a pretty awesome conclusion, at least in my opinion.  One that made me feel a bit better about myself.

I don't value stuff.  I value doing. 

Most of the items on my list of "If I Ever Got Rich This Is What I Would Do" include things like travel, classes for my kids, and classes for myself.  Trips to museums and national parks and seeing and learning what the world out there is like.  Being able to finally take my kids to see things like the Nutcracker and Cirque Du Soleil and Disneyland.  Quitting my job so that I can stay home and write more.  And, of course, taking my family with me for many of these adventures.  

I don't think of items that I want.  I don't dream of huge shopping sprees or anything like that.  It isn't material items that I value.  The only material items I want are the house and car.  But that is only to finally own my own home, and a vehicle that I do not constantly worry about breaking down.   One that is better on gas mileage and nicer to our environment. 

Even my home that I want is geared more towards doing.   I don't want a huge mansion of a home.  Just something big enough to fit my family comfortably and allow us to attend to the many hobbies that we have.  I want more land and hobby room than actual living room.  I want land to have a garden and a fruit grove.  To have chickens and goats.  I would love to be able to cultivate a home that was completely self-sufficient if need be.  Solar energy (or whatever would work best out here) and all that jazz. 

So, that thought process wound up being one of the good ones.  One that let me sit back for a moment and breath, and stop berating myself for a bit.  It didn't help me stress any less about money, but that's okay.    The money thing will work itself out eventually.  Heck, it will probably even help me dig a bit more into that whole "self-sustaining" living mindset at least in some areas.   

  Today was a rather productive day, if I do say so myself.   I finally found a table (for FREE on Craigslist- can't beat that!) to use as a crafting table.  We also found a really nice desk to use as a sewing table for cheap at the Goodwill.  So, the room that has been storing all the random stuff since we moved in got cleared out.  When I looked at it, I realized it really needed a good vacuuming and shampooing.  Since I cannot afford the carpet shampoo for the shampooer, I went online looking for homemade cleaners to use instead.  Almost every site I looked at suggested a mixture of white distilled vinegar and water.  So, that's what I did.  I couldn't believe how well it worked! 

  So, my crafting room and living room got a shampooing.  Then, we went over to a friend's house to help her clear out a back bedroom that was FULL of stuff her landlords had left.  Well, we got there late, so weren't much help for that, but got to do a little bit, and then stuck around for some birthday cake!     They gave us an old entertainment center they had recently replaced, so we brought that home .  When they brought the entertainment center here, Boyfriend talked them into helping him move the crafting table (which is really heavy) into the crafting area. 

  When we got home from their house, we set up the entertainment center. The end table the tv had been sitting on was moved into the craft room to house my daughter's new convection oven that we got her for her polymer clays.   Then the bookshelf that was holding all the dvds and video games got switched out with a smaller one, since the games fit in the entertainment center.  The bigger bookcase got moved into the crafting room, and I got to put out all my crafting books, as well as some other random books and now I have more room to unpack more books!   Tomorrow, once the battery for the drill is charged, we will hang a shelf for the craft room, and maybe switch around the table and booths in the kitchen.

 I'm excited to be finally feeling like we are getting settled in, set up, and making the house our own.  I am super excited, though, to have a place set up specifically for crafting.  We have a huge table where we can both really spread out our stuff, and not interfere with each other's space!  I have an area set up specifically for sewing, so no more excuses.  I HAVE to learn how to use that thing, and then actually use it!  I think my daughter will use it, too.  

I'm hoping that this year turns out to be more creatively productive then last year was.

  Having to go back on DSHS has really given my quite a slam to my pride.  I worked to get off of it twice before already, and having to go back to it is not something I ever wanted to have to do.  The first time was when I got pregnant, the second time was when I got divorced.  This time, well, we are victims of this crumbling economy. 

  There are times when being at work is just too much for me sometimes.  There was a moment last week, when I was listening to yet another person I work with who got approved for buying their home.  Everyone there seems to be in the process of buying a home.  Seriously-  I know of 4 offhand.  Don't get me wrong.  I am super excited for them.  It's a huge deal, and it's great to see them so excited and happy.  That particular day just happened to be the day that my boyfriend was sitting down at the state office, waiting to hear if we would qualify for any type of assistance.   She was gushing about getting the call about being approved for her new house, while I was trying to make sure I got documentation of my earnings down to the state aid office. 

  We had to borrow a significant amount of money from a friend just to get our rent paid on time.  I get paid a day too late, and it would have cost me another $100 for that one-day delay.  So my check is gone.  My next check, and child support, will all go to next month's rent.  Entirely.  That leaves no money for paying the bills, which are already late.  I am trying really hard not to freak out.  Scenarios go through my head that sometimes make me want to scream and cry in frustration.  I won't lie- sometimes the crying happens. At least I don't scream. 

  We turned off our television. I think, overall, that will actually be a good thing. We still have Internet, obviously, since we do so much of our communication through it. But, it is the next thing on the chopping block should it come to that.

  All I want is to be stable.  Financially stable.  Have a little bit extra to go do nice things once in awhile.  My dream right now is to be able to take my kids on a real vacation.  Somewhere not in this state.  Disneyland, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon.  Somewhere.  I was hoping to do that this year, but that is not going to happen.  Maybe next. 

 
I am not trying to give a sob story here. We are still okay for the most part. We did qualify for help with food, which was my main concern. I didn't want to be one of those people who had to decide whether to pay the power so the heat isn't turned off, or to buy food for the children. Luckily, I won't have to.   It's just my pride that is suffering.