I was doing so
well. But for some reason you keep
showing up in my dreams the past few days, and reminding me of everything I’ve
tried to forget about. I blame the
week-long migraine; after so much time, it just gets exhausting and one’s
defenses get weakened. In my case, it’s
always the cold, bitter, unwanted thoughts that find their way in through those
cracks- those things I work so hard at keeping out: I’m not good enough, I’ll never be good enough, I’m too
overweight, I’m unattractive, I’m worthless, I have nothing going for me, I’m
unlovable, I’m unlikable, .. Shall I go on?
I know it’s a down period, and that I’ll eventually fight my
way through to the other side. It’s
just damn miserable to have to fight through the pain and the stupid depression
crap at the same time. It’d be so nice
to just crawl under the covers and never come back out- to just say FUCK
EVERYTHING and not deal with it anymore.
Of course, that’s not going to make the pain go away, but if I just
sleep it all away, then I won’t have to deal with that either, right? Except that apparently I’ll have to deal
with dreams of you, and while they are nice dreams, eventually I realize I’m
dreaming and then it’s not pleasant anymore.
I’ve decided to start a log of my headaches. There are a couple of pain charts that I’m
utilizing to keep a consistent track of the severity. One is typical, one more humorous, but still
appropriate. I have an appointment with
my neurologist in September. Since the
migraines have started making their appearances more often, and with more
ferocity, I’m starting to fear we’re going to have to adjust my medications,
which is frustrating. I know how poorly
I react to that (remember last time?
FUUUUCCCKKK), and am seriously not looking forward to that adjustment
period. But, I’m going to have to do
what I need to do to wrangle this shit back under control. There is a medication I can break down and
buy ($50 with insurance for 9 pills… *sigh*), but it only works if you catch it
right at the beginning of the migraine.
These past two instances I’ve woken up with it, so that does me no
good. It wouldn’t hurt to have it on
hand though, just in case, considering my headaches decide to stick around for
about a week when they show up.
Working through these things is not pleasant, let me tell
you. Working with the public? Hahahahahahaha Hahahaha!
Can we all say “No. Fun.”? I’ve been steadily within the 5-6 range of
the normal chart all week, with periods of up to 7 where I just hid and took a
few moments and lots of ibuprofen. LOL I made it though. It
still sucks today. My eyeballs have felt
like they are slowly leaking out of my eye sockets for the past two days or so,
and yesterday it felt like my eyeballs were actually vibrating in their
sockets. That’s a literal statement. I had a coworker check if she could actually
see them moving. (She couldn’t.) They probably all think I’m insane about
now. They might not be too far off
course, because when it gets to day four or five, I can’t say I’m entirely
rational anymore. I giggle for no
reason, and cry, and thank goodness still possess enough self-control to not
scream. It causes my neck and
shoulders to tense up really bad, and then proceeds down my spine. Not to mention the thing in my shoulder and
down my arm and into my palm. It’s all
super fun time stuff- let me tell you.
:D
Today I’m down to about a 4, and am planning to do nothing
overly exciting to keep myself from overdoing it and causing it to jump back
up. I need to just lie here and do
nothing until I go to the bbq, where then I can just relax, eat, and hang out
with good friends. Then come home and
repeat the doing nothing part.
I need to start stretching, and really want to get back into
working out. I have no self-motivation
at home though. I’ve already established
that. I need to get my ass into a gym,
but I think that the only way that would make much sense is if I got myself a
trainer, which at this point I cannot afford.
So, I’m going to just continue walking to and from work, and work in
some sort of stretching routine for when I get home before bed. I should probably make going to that yoga
class on Tuesday nights a thing as well.
I keep saying all this stuff. I need to find the energy to make it
happen. I’ve been doing the walking to
and from work, but come home too tired to get anything else done. I feel like a lump. I’ve cleaned up a lot of my eating habits,
but still need to do more- more prep work at home so that I don’t eat out or
order pizza. Make homemade pizza! =D
And I need to stop thinking about stupid shit! I know once the pain subsides, the veil of
stupid thoughts will lift with it and I’ll get to feeling better all the way
around. I know there is light on that
other side if I just have patience and perseverance and not give in or up. Damn it’s hard sometimes, but I know I’m
stronger than that. At least my stubborn-muscles are mighty!!