I guess it's been awhile since I've updated anything here. I'm in an okay place, lately. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm "happy", or even really "content", but "okay". I've finally come to a point in my life where I've been able to let go of (most of) the negative energies in my life, and focus on the positive. If not the positive, at least in keeping things neutral. It became apparent that the way I feel about my life and my situation(s), etc.. would change only if I changed the way I actually viewed it. I had to change the way I approached it, the way I looked at it, and the way I perceived it. I'm still in the process of figuring out what I need and want, in order to achieve those "content" and "happy" states on levels consistent enough for me to label myself as such. In the meantime, "okay" is perfectly acceptable to me. It's much better than where I've been at for most of the time.
I recently read a well-written article about how we can actually rewire our brains- that it is a scientific physically possible thing to do- simply by the way we think. All of that fuzzy, new-agey stuff about mantras and such were actually onto something. You can read the article HERE. I 100% suggest you do. While I had actually already started doing the things it talks about on my own, and had already started to make those deductions and connections, the article came across my path at a pivotal time, verifying those ideas and assuring me that I was on the right path and making the right decisions.
Things at work are looking better. I had come to a point where I really felt like I had plateaued and had reached the end of my usefulness. I didn't really see where my future would be, which was really distressing for me, since I love the library and the people that I work with. Not very many people know, but I had applied for another job a couple of months ago. I was not really sure whether or not I actually wanted it, but the starting wage would have consisted of at least a $4/hour increase, so I figured it was worth at least checking out and seeing what they had to offer.
As soon as I submitted my resume, I began having panic attacks. Something about the whole thing just sent up red flags and felt wrong. I don't know if it was guilt (even though I was only wanting to talk and see what they had- nothing was set), or something more simple like a fear of change, etc. (although that is not at all what it felt like). I went ahead with the interview. I've always been pretty good in interviews. I've been able to answer questions, speak relatively well and talk about myself. However, during this one, I completely froze. I could not think; I couldn't remember anything.. it was embarrassing and made me have the beginnings of a panic attack right in the middle of it. All I wanted was out of there. What was even stranger about the whole thing was that I had already pretty much decided that I wasn't going to take the job. They would have had to offer me something spectacular. I had already come to the conclusion that the money wasn't worth what I would be giving up. I suppose I'll never know why my brain reacted the way it did for that, but the entire experience made me realize that I am okay where I am, and that a little more money right now is not what I want. The long-term happiness and contentment with my workplace and the people I work with is what is more important to me.
As a side note- Just recently, at my annual performance evaluation, we went over the goals they have in mind for me for the next year (and beyond). I have to say, it fits right in with where I want to be, and I'm pretty excited about it.
My dating life is still pretty dismal. It's confusing. Part of it is my reluctance to open myself up again. As pathetic as it makes me feel, I'm still reeling from the last one. I don't know why. It's been almost a year now. We weren't together long enough for me to still be feeling the effects of him and us, but I am. I was naïve. I'm still naïve. Things hit me when I least expect them. Little feelings or memories. I should have stopped things between us sooner than I did. Then again, there's this part of me that fears the problem is that I shouldn't have stopped it at all. That the reason I'm still not completely over it is because I ran, again, and never gave myself closure. I didn't see it through. I should have let it run its course. There is nothing I can do about it now, except for over-analyze myself and my actions over and over. Try to learn and move on. The moving on part is proving difficult however, since I cannot seem to find anyone that I'm keen on. It doesn't help that my stoic attitude towards the whole thing makes it hard to let people in, for them to get a read on me (because typically there isn't one), and then they also just give up and move on. I'm told I'm still too picky, that I need to give guys a longer "chance". I'm trying. I really am. I just tend to feel like I'm wasting mine and everyone's time.
Don't get me wrong- I don't feel like I need a guy in my life. Sometimes I just think it would be nice to send him out to do the heavy lifting in the yard, or massage my shoulders when they hurt. ;) However, I have gotten to the point here where I just don't want to deal with any of it anymore. I figure whatever will be will be, and whatever won't, won't. It is taking too much of my energy to worry about the whole "dating" thing right now. I have other, more productive things to spend that time and energy on, thankyouverymuch. :)
I'm staying social, as much as it exhausts me. Seriously- it makes my stomach drop sometimes when I look at my calendar and how much is on it. I get tired just looking at it, and want to just cross it all off, toss the bra, crawl into my pajamas, veg out on Netflix and not deal with anyone (other than my kids) for the rest of the month. LOL I'm sucking it up and putting myself out there, though. I'm accepting invitations, and following through: birthdays, baby showers, various "stuff" parties (think Partylite and Pampered Chef), random outings to bars and dinners, celebratory events, etc., etc., etc.. I'm still not initiating anything. Don't hold your breath for that.
(except the grades part... My grades actually did bother me... lol)