This year can seriously just go fuck itself. There is too much happening. Too many big, bad things. It's wearing me down. I'm fucking tired. So far:
1. I lost my home and now live in a single bedroom with my daughter.
2. I find out that I don't make enough to qualify for a home loan that would be enough to buy anything close to what I would want.
3. Covid-19 hits and I'm stuck in the house with a bunch of people. I've already discussed this in a previous post or two.
4. The world goes insane. America is divided more than ever. Hate is rampant everywhere.
5. All the things get cancelled. I don't get to go to the family reunion to meet all my family I've never met. The programs I get excited to work on for the library get cancelled.
6. My daughter's car breaks and I have to spend $700 on it.
7. My dad dies
8. My father-in-law dies
9. My daughter's transmission goes out and it's probably not worth the cost to fix.
I'm still trying to save money to put towards a home loan. I'm trying to work on how to fix that issue of not making enough. I'm worried about my kids not being able to find jobs or get back into school. I'm working again and all of that time off made me realize some very core stuff about myself- that I'm not able to do anything about.
I'm running out of steam. I'm so close to just giving up because every time I start to feel like I'm gaining control of things again, something else blows up. I try putting out good energy. I try to do as many good deeds as I can. But it's not enough. It's never enough.
I'm still trying to save money to put towards a home loan. I'm trying to work on how to fix that issue of not making enough. I'm worried about my kids not being able to find jobs or get back into school. I'm working again and all of that time off made me realize some very core stuff about myself- that I'm not able to do anything about.
I'm running out of steam. I'm so close to just giving up because every time I start to feel like I'm gaining control of things again, something else blows up. I try putting out good energy. I try to do as many good deeds as I can. But it's not enough. It's never enough.
I just want to know when I'll be in a place where I'm not having to struggle so fucking much ALL the time. When will I be able to breathe for awhile and just be without having to constantly worry about the big shit happening around me?