~A Bitter Swallow~

2011 has been one hell of a year for me.  It was not altogether nice.  Between my son telling me he was hearing voices, my daughter going blind and fainting in the shower- causing a 911 call, my own issues with my kidneys,  some pretty serious fights with my boyfriend, and having to go back on state aid- I've had about more stress than I can handle.  It has affected my health.  It's affected my job.  It's affected my overall general state of mind. 

BUT, fortunately I can say that all but one of those has fixed themselves.  We are still having to use state aid to get by, but my son, my daughter, myself, and my relationship with my boyfriend are all fine and going strong.  I am thankful for that. 

I don't feel like I got very much accomplished this past year.  A lot of wants.  A lot of ideas.  A lot of talk.  No doing.  That is the one thing I hope to change with the new year.  More doing.  Like the Home Depot commercials say.  Yeah-  I want that to be me.

Along with doing, I want to simplify.  This is where I hope having to go on state aid helps.  By giving me a kick in the pants and forcing me to stop and reevaluate my surroundings.  Where can I cut back.  Where can I do-it-myself?  What can I do to make my life simpler, healthier, and more satisfying?  How can I do this in a way that will be self-sufficient?  How will it help the environment around me?  Etc etc etc.

I'm planning on really digging in and get my hands dirty this year.  Literally.  I'm going to make that garden bed out there flourish.  I want to build a compost system so I can make use of all those leftovers that make my stomach squirm every time I throw them in the garbage.  I want to plant fruits and veggies so that I can have fresh, healthy food for my family.  Eventually I'd like to get a chicken coop built so I can have a few chickens, too. 

I plan on cooking more at home. With limited funds with which to spend going out, or on frivolous food, we will be forced to sit down and actually think about what we want to eat. We will be more apt to plan menus and actually shop for and prepare what is on them. By doing so, I hope to eat more health-conscious. I am a bit worried about this part, because I've noticed that it seems the more healthy a food- the more expensive it is. But by preparing our meals at home, and utilizing what I'm able to grow in the garden, I hope to have a better idea and control of what I am actually putting into our bodies.

 I want to work on crafting.  I want to make it more of a priority in my day-to-day life.  I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to get in and nab that table/desk down at the Goodwill to turn into a sewing station.  I already have a few beginner-type projects in mind that, if they turn out right, will become gifts for a pregnant friend of mine.  (Ssshhh... she doesn't know!).   My daughter has gotten very into crafting lately, so I'm hoping that her drive helps push me along, too.  If I am focusing on helping her achieve her goals, then I will help mine by helping her.  =)  Win-win. 

With this in mind, I sat down and compiled a short list of my goals for 2012.  These are not resolutions.  I always fail at those.  They are just goals I've set, and I hope to have them all finished by this time next year. 

1.  Build that composter system.
2.  Finish writing Bone & Silver.
3.  Blog on each of my websites at least once a week.
4.  Do some sort of craft once a week.  Even if it's working on an ongoing project-  do something!
5.  Visit Mount Saint Helens with the kids.
6.  Visit Mount Rainier with the kids.
7.  Start using my sewing machine.
8.  Make my own soap.
9.  Learn to knit &/or crochet.
10. Cook and eat at home most of the time.
11. Eat less processed food.
12. Grow my garden and eat it!

When I was fresh out of high school, I weighed 105 pounds-  115 if I was wet and having a "fat" day.  While seeing others that were overweight didn't bother me, and most of them I still see as beautiful women,  I just couldn't fathom it happening to me.  I would just never let that happen.  I heard the stories of women who gained weight while they were pregnant, and then couldn't get it back off.  I figured that wouldn't happen to me, either.  Heck, I did 2 hours of aerobics every other day for goodness sake.  I would continue to exercise and eat healthy while I was pregnant and keep myself fit and trim. 

I can hear you laughing already.  Ahh... to be 18 again...

Take into consideration the fact that I lived with 6 other people in a house the size of maybe a double garage.  There was no room to work out.  I wasn't in high school anymore with the required P.E. class to work out at.  Not to mention the fact that I didn't realize the severity of a craving.  An honest-to-goodness-gnaw-at-your-bones craving.  For me, it was Snickers and Chicken McNuggets.  Yeah-  not gonna gain weight at all with that diet! 

So, there I was, gaining weight and not caring.  I quickly went into the mentality of "I'm pregnant.  I'm suppose to eat more!"  LOL....  Denial is bliss, sometimes, isn't it?

While I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight.  Heck, he was 10lbs and 10oz, and 21&3/4 inches long.  He wasn't a small baby.  I gave birth to a linebacker!  But he wasn't the entire reason for all my weight.  It was the general laziness that came over me.  I didn't want to exercise.  Then it got too cold.  I'm sorry, but I am the biggest cold wuss there is on the face of the planet.  I hate it, and it makes me shrivel in a corner and cry.  I'm being almost literal here.  So, too cold for outdoorsey exercise. 

I told you that, at most, I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant.  By the time I had him, I was tipping the scales at 190. 

I did manage to lose quite a bit of that weight.  I actually probably got down to what most would consider a "normal" weight afterwards.  I was around 140.  At 5'6" this tends to be an acceptable weight.  It wasn't for me.  I got pregnant again, gained a bunch of weight again, and got back down to around 140-150.  Again- probably more acceptable for most.

Not for me.

I'd lived my life as this skinny little minnie, and now all I could see was flub.  I'm back at the 180-190 mark again.  No babies this time.  No "excuses" this time.  What is crazy is when I think back onto when I was at the 140-150 mark.  I thought I was huge.  I actually saw myself as I look now.  I understand the visual "hallucinations" anorexics see in the mirror, although I've never been anorexic.  Because I had them. 


All of this is leading up to that one important question:  What am I going to do about it?

If you have read my blog, or if you know me personally, you might know about the recent scare I had with my kidneys.  Mind you, I had already come to the conclusion, and the action, of changing my diet and getting a bit more exercise.  More veggies, less junk food in the house, and walking to and from work feels good.  So, that change had already been made.  I'd do about 3-4 days of walking for an hour at a low-moderate pace on my treadmill as well.  However, when I had the scare with my kidneys, it really drove home the fact that I need to start focusing on not just my weight, but on my overall health.  Again, I had already made this conscious decision, but this really proved it to me in a way that made it stick. 

I've taken on a morning and evening routine of light exercise.  25 crunches, 25 knee-push ups, 25 upper leg lifts, 25 lower leg lifts, 25 side crunches, 25 more push ups, 25 more upper leg, 25 more lower leg.  It's not much, but it's a start.  We've continued to eat better (if you just go ahead and discount this entire holiday season... we'll just pretend all that didn't happen).  I've continued to walk to work as much as possible, but it hasn't been as much as I'd like.  Life sometimes just gets in the way of that.  And my treadmill has been unplugged, so time to remove the Christmas tree so I can plug it back in again.     I need to get back on that thing.  I need to steal my daughter's Ipod, learn how to download audiobooks/ebooks to it, and start walking.  Hopefully advance to jogging, and maybe someday running. 

I think I've lost sight of my original intention for this blog post.  I don't remember what my 'moral-of-the-story' was intended to be.  But, I guess it boils down to the fact that one of my new year resolutions is to take charge of not just my weight, but my overall health.  Physical, mental, emotional.  I have plans to help me obtain some of those.   I'll post another blog concerning the more nitty grit of that in a bit.

**UPDATE 12/20/2011**
I just got back from the specialist's office. As of right now, it's still a whole bunch of "I don't know". At this point, it is going to stay at that. There was nothing on the ultrasound that meant anything. Also, my numbers have not gotten worse as far as the funtionality of my kidneys. So, there is really nothing they can do at this point outside of going totally HOUSE MD on me and testing me for all kinds of wild guess things that will probably turn out to be nothing. He said that it could be that something was going on that has since fixed itself. So, I am to just go ahead and live a normal life and not worry about it. Well, worry about it enough to keep going and getting my blood drawn every year to check it and make sure it hasn't decided to decline some more. Other than that.. keep hydrated, eat healthy, and continue to get some exercise in as often as possible. So that is what I am going to do. I plan on going and finding a new doctor with the new year, so when I do that I will talk with her/him about their thoughts on the topic. The specialist did say I might have to go on high blood pressure medications sooner than they would normally decide to medicate someone. So there is that to think of, too. But, he says I seem to be fine, and as long as we don't see any further decline in function, I'll be able to just live like normal. So yay, I guess!
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**UPDATE** 12/13/2011
I had my ultrasound today. They went in and looked around at my bladder, my kidneys, and the veins/arteries surrounding them. I have another appointment next Tuesday (the 20th) to go over the results (if any) of those pictures. I am torn between what I want. I'm afraid of them finding something, but I'm afraid of them NOT finding anything. The thought of something in there is scary, but at the same time, the thought of there not being anything there means we STILL don't know what is going on, and there will be more searching to figure it out. No fixing. So, I think I am hoping that they found something- but something easy to deal with. Wham, bam, kidneys are working again Ma'am. =) I will let you know what I find out next week!
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ORIGINAL POST: Nov. 2011

For those of you who don't know- I was diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease, what would be considered "moderate", in October. My doctor ran a second test to confirm, which happened in November. Since I was fine last July, he was mostly concerned with how quickly they seem to have deteriorated. And he could figure out no reason behind it. So, he sent me to a specialist, who I met with today.

He started out by telling me I only had 4 years left... if nothing at all changes and the deterioration continues to deteriorate at the same level, that is. Fortunately, we caught it, and can now proceed to do something about it. First off is the obvious- get my weight under control. It's not the main issue or concern, but it definitely won't hurt and will probably help with all of the other issues surrounding the kidney function. Next, figure out what is causing the decline. He also said he could not find anything in my lifestyle behaviors that would account for it, so my next step is a couple of ultrasounds. He wants to look at my kidneys themselves, and the arteries surrounding them, to see if anything is going on there somewhere. They faxed my info to the ultrasound place, and hopefully they will call soon to schedule the appointment. Then I will go back to the specialist to discuss the results and see where to go from there.

So, pretty much still no answers. But, baby steps in the right direction. Oh, and I have to start drinking pickle juice. Not ANY pickles, but DILL pickles. Gag.

  On a serious note, this is something that is fairly common, and pretty much symptomless.  The only reason it was discovered was through a regular annual physical.  It's funny, because I've been saying I needed one for awhile now, but kept putting it off.  When I went to the W.A.L.E. conference in October I got sick, and thought maybe I had an ear infection.  THAT is what got me to the doctor, prompting me to schedule my physical.  I felt so stupid when I heard that my "ear infection" was just allergies.  But now, I'm glad I went and felt stupid, because who knows when I would have finally gotten around to making that appointment, and who knows how far my kidneys would have gone without being discovered.  It's the little things.

  I apologize if you happened across the "Nice" post.  That was not suppose to have been published.  I was rather upset, and hadn't even finished it.  I must have hit "Publish" out of habit, instead of "Save".  That's what I get for not double checking.  Again- if you were subjected to that, I apologize.  Please promptly forget it.  Thank you.

  It's one of those fragile things in life.  In my mind's eye, I see it as that beautiful, delicate vase that you treasure.  Then, someone comes along, picks it up, and throws it to the floor.  It breaks, but you gingerly pick up the pieces and glue them back together.  You have a vase again, and it might even be usable, but it's never the same.  You can see the faults.  It is weaker than it was.  So you set it back up, maybe a little higher this time.  But the person picks it back up and tosses it to the floor again.  And it breaks, again.   So you pick up the pieces and glue them back together, again.  

However, they keep picking it up and throwing it back down.  And each time it breaks, those slivers get smaller and sharper.  They cut deep and now it's not just the vase that is marred.  But you keep picking up those pieces, and keep trying to glue them back together.  But after awhile the pieces are too small- too broken.  They don't fit right anymore.  The glue doesn't hold them anymore.  You are down there, bleeding, wanting to fix something that probably isn't fixable anymore.   You look to the person for help, and they just shrug and say "I don't know what to tell you."

Different people throughout life may come along and pick up that vase. Sometimes they will try to help you put it back together. Sometimes it really was just an accident.  But when the same person keeps throwing it down.  Keeps shrugging their shoulders.  Doesn't even care. There comes a point when it isn't fixable anymore.  There is no way to put those pieces back together.   Where do you go from there?