~A Bitter Swallow~

When I was fresh out of high school, I weighed 105 pounds-  115 if I was wet and having a "fat" day.  While seeing others that were overweight didn't bother me, and most of them I still see as beautiful women,  I just couldn't fathom it happening to me.  I would just never let that happen.  I heard the stories of women who gained weight while they were pregnant, and then couldn't get it back off.  I figured that wouldn't happen to me, either.  Heck, I did 2 hours of aerobics every other day for goodness sake.  I would continue to exercise and eat healthy while I was pregnant and keep myself fit and trim. 

I can hear you laughing already.  Ahh... to be 18 again...

Take into consideration the fact that I lived with 6 other people in a house the size of maybe a double garage.  There was no room to work out.  I wasn't in high school anymore with the required P.E. class to work out at.  Not to mention the fact that I didn't realize the severity of a craving.  An honest-to-goodness-gnaw-at-your-bones craving.  For me, it was Snickers and Chicken McNuggets.  Yeah-  not gonna gain weight at all with that diet! 

So, there I was, gaining weight and not caring.  I quickly went into the mentality of "I'm pregnant.  I'm suppose to eat more!"  LOL....  Denial is bliss, sometimes, isn't it?

While I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight.  Heck, he was 10lbs and 10oz, and 21&3/4 inches long.  He wasn't a small baby.  I gave birth to a linebacker!  But he wasn't the entire reason for all my weight.  It was the general laziness that came over me.  I didn't want to exercise.  Then it got too cold.  I'm sorry, but I am the biggest cold wuss there is on the face of the planet.  I hate it, and it makes me shrivel in a corner and cry.  I'm being almost literal here.  So, too cold for outdoorsey exercise. 

I told you that, at most, I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant.  By the time I had him, I was tipping the scales at 190. 

I did manage to lose quite a bit of that weight.  I actually probably got down to what most would consider a "normal" weight afterwards.  I was around 140.  At 5'6" this tends to be an acceptable weight.  It wasn't for me.  I got pregnant again, gained a bunch of weight again, and got back down to around 140-150.  Again- probably more acceptable for most.

Not for me.

I'd lived my life as this skinny little minnie, and now all I could see was flub.  I'm back at the 180-190 mark again.  No babies this time.  No "excuses" this time.  What is crazy is when I think back onto when I was at the 140-150 mark.  I thought I was huge.  I actually saw myself as I look now.  I understand the visual "hallucinations" anorexics see in the mirror, although I've never been anorexic.  Because I had them. 


All of this is leading up to that one important question:  What am I going to do about it?

If you have read my blog, or if you know me personally, you might know about the recent scare I had with my kidneys.  Mind you, I had already come to the conclusion, and the action, of changing my diet and getting a bit more exercise.  More veggies, less junk food in the house, and walking to and from work feels good.  So, that change had already been made.  I'd do about 3-4 days of walking for an hour at a low-moderate pace on my treadmill as well.  However, when I had the scare with my kidneys, it really drove home the fact that I need to start focusing on not just my weight, but on my overall health.  Again, I had already made this conscious decision, but this really proved it to me in a way that made it stick. 

I've taken on a morning and evening routine of light exercise.  25 crunches, 25 knee-push ups, 25 upper leg lifts, 25 lower leg lifts, 25 side crunches, 25 more push ups, 25 more upper leg, 25 more lower leg.  It's not much, but it's a start.  We've continued to eat better (if you just go ahead and discount this entire holiday season... we'll just pretend all that didn't happen).  I've continued to walk to work as much as possible, but it hasn't been as much as I'd like.  Life sometimes just gets in the way of that.  And my treadmill has been unplugged, so time to remove the Christmas tree so I can plug it back in again.     I need to get back on that thing.  I need to steal my daughter's Ipod, learn how to download audiobooks/ebooks to it, and start walking.  Hopefully advance to jogging, and maybe someday running. 

I think I've lost sight of my original intention for this blog post.  I don't remember what my 'moral-of-the-story' was intended to be.  But, I guess it boils down to the fact that one of my new year resolutions is to take charge of not just my weight, but my overall health.  Physical, mental, emotional.  I have plans to help me obtain some of those.   I'll post another blog concerning the more nitty grit of that in a bit.

**UPDATE 12/20/2011**
I just got back from the specialist's office. As of right now, it's still a whole bunch of "I don't know". At this point, it is going to stay at that. There was nothing on the ultrasound that meant anything. Also, my numbers have not gotten worse as far as the funtionality of my kidneys. So, there is really nothing they can do at this point outside of going totally HOUSE MD on me and testing me for all kinds of wild guess things that will probably turn out to be nothing. He said that it could be that something was going on that has since fixed itself. So, I am to just go ahead and live a normal life and not worry about it. Well, worry about it enough to keep going and getting my blood drawn every year to check it and make sure it hasn't decided to decline some more. Other than that.. keep hydrated, eat healthy, and continue to get some exercise in as often as possible. So that is what I am going to do. I plan on going and finding a new doctor with the new year, so when I do that I will talk with her/him about their thoughts on the topic. The specialist did say I might have to go on high blood pressure medications sooner than they would normally decide to medicate someone. So there is that to think of, too. But, he says I seem to be fine, and as long as we don't see any further decline in function, I'll be able to just live like normal. So yay, I guess!
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**UPDATE** 12/13/2011
I had my ultrasound today. They went in and looked around at my bladder, my kidneys, and the veins/arteries surrounding them. I have another appointment next Tuesday (the 20th) to go over the results (if any) of those pictures. I am torn between what I want. I'm afraid of them finding something, but I'm afraid of them NOT finding anything. The thought of something in there is scary, but at the same time, the thought of there not being anything there means we STILL don't know what is going on, and there will be more searching to figure it out. No fixing. So, I think I am hoping that they found something- but something easy to deal with. Wham, bam, kidneys are working again Ma'am. =) I will let you know what I find out next week!
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ORIGINAL POST: Nov. 2011

For those of you who don't know- I was diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease, what would be considered "moderate", in October. My doctor ran a second test to confirm, which happened in November. Since I was fine last July, he was mostly concerned with how quickly they seem to have deteriorated. And he could figure out no reason behind it. So, he sent me to a specialist, who I met with today.

He started out by telling me I only had 4 years left... if nothing at all changes and the deterioration continues to deteriorate at the same level, that is. Fortunately, we caught it, and can now proceed to do something about it. First off is the obvious- get my weight under control. It's not the main issue or concern, but it definitely won't hurt and will probably help with all of the other issues surrounding the kidney function. Next, figure out what is causing the decline. He also said he could not find anything in my lifestyle behaviors that would account for it, so my next step is a couple of ultrasounds. He wants to look at my kidneys themselves, and the arteries surrounding them, to see if anything is going on there somewhere. They faxed my info to the ultrasound place, and hopefully they will call soon to schedule the appointment. Then I will go back to the specialist to discuss the results and see where to go from there.

So, pretty much still no answers. But, baby steps in the right direction. Oh, and I have to start drinking pickle juice. Not ANY pickles, but DILL pickles. Gag.

  On a serious note, this is something that is fairly common, and pretty much symptomless.  The only reason it was discovered was through a regular annual physical.  It's funny, because I've been saying I needed one for awhile now, but kept putting it off.  When I went to the W.A.L.E. conference in October I got sick, and thought maybe I had an ear infection.  THAT is what got me to the doctor, prompting me to schedule my physical.  I felt so stupid when I heard that my "ear infection" was just allergies.  But now, I'm glad I went and felt stupid, because who knows when I would have finally gotten around to making that appointment, and who knows how far my kidneys would have gone without being discovered.  It's the little things.

New Years
It's that time of year for new resolutions. Okay, it's a little past that time, but I've been lazy busy. Okay... I've been lazy. I was looking over what I'd written last year. All those things I had planned on doing. Some I did, some I tried, some I didn't even attempt other than thinking about it.

I've been writing more, even if it's mostly blogging rather than actual storytelling. But it's more than nothing. I've been reading more, which is fantastic. New stuff and old alike. While my vocabulary isn't necessarily broader, I'm still getting those daily words with which to cram my head with. I have been cooking in more, but not necessarily eating out less. However, I have been trying to make more health-consious decisions when eating out, as well as when cooking at home. I was exercising more, but got discouraged when I wasn't seeing results. I tried, hard, alot... and got nothing. So, now I have to try again. I planted my garden, and tried to keep it tended, but between my brown thumb, the rabbits, and the slugs- it died. I got my son in karate (which he still loves). I got my daughter into choir for awhile, but she doesn't want to do any after school activites (I'll find something eventually!). The kids' dental work is either done, or doing. I got medical insurance. I've been drinking more water.

So- that is 2009 in a nutshell. At least, based off my resolutions for that year. I got maybe half accomplished, and I think that's pretty good. There are some I really wish I'd taken more time to do, but they will be in this years, and maybe this will be thier year. That said- here are some of the things I'd like to get done this year:


1. Write more. I had this last year, but I want to focus more on my stories, not only on my blog. I don't want to spend less time on my blog- just more on the stories.

2. Learn how to use my sewing machine. I would really like to learn how to make some of those clothes, purses, etc that I have the patterns and fabric for in there! All I need is the know-how!

3. Continue to cook more at home, and cook healthy meals.

4. Learn how to shop efficiently for healthy food and snacks.

5. Make it a habit to eat breakfast, and choose (and bring) healthy snacks throughout the day.

6. Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! And not be discouraged if I don't "see" results. Let my body tell me how it's doing, maybe not visually, but internally.

7. Find some new parks. The ones I know of in the area have become dull to me, and even my kids. Time to move on to new and fresh.

8. Find some good hiking trails, and use them; get us all out there, breathing in that fresh air!

9. Go camping. I cannot remember the last time I went, and I miss it.

10. Go out with my family at least once a month. By family, I mean my brother and sisters, and mom and dad. We don't spend as much time together as we use to since I quit partying. I need to have them for dinner, or whatever.

11. Start actually doing all those crafts I bought all the supplies for.

12. Learn how to make more natural, enviornmental friendly products for cleaning, both the house and our bodies.

13. Go see some live music. This shouldn't be as difficult as it's been for me. I know there's live music around here- I am just horrible about finding it.

14. Get the animals to the vet. This is one of those ones that really should have been done last year, but wasn't.

15. Figure out what is going wrong in my son's Language Arts class, and help him rememdy it.

16. Help my daughter understand this math stuff.

17. Give a garden another shot, but read up on it more instead of just jumping in.

18. Model more for Dustin.

19. Get the shed cleaned out, gone through, and organized.

20. Get the boxes in my bedroom cleaned out, gone through, and reorganized.

I feel like I need to write. I feel like my head is going to explode. There is too much crap in there boiling and threatening to burst out of my skull like a volcano, spewing it's contents everywhere, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Part of my new wellness challenge is to keep track of my mental well-being. It wants me to delve into any stresses I may have, and bring them forth and battle them. I think this is a horrible idea. I have too much stuff in there. I try very hard not to look behind those doors I've closed, locked and barred. My brain is too messed up. Those prisoners are there because I don't want to have to look at them. I don't want to have to face them and hear what they have to say. I don't want to have to admit that they are a part of me.

And with my current state of madness, I feel like I will surely just crumble. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I'm not a strong enough person to know the things I know, and to keep thinking that everything is fine and dandy. I'm also don't want to lose what I've worked so hard to gain. But there are things inside of me that scream and shake and beat on the walls. They make me hear them. They make me know they are there. I don't know how to handle this.

I think some of my headache problems have stemmed from this. From just locking things away and not wanting to deal with them. They push forward, with physical effects on my body.

With my insurance came another perk that allows mental support and health. I have been seriously thinking of finding a therapist to see about helping me with some of this stuff. But that is scary.

I finally got my insurance cards. I looked up some local providers, and plan to make an appointment with a doctor this afternoon. In my haste to find a doctor, I just realized I forgot to look up optometrists and dentists. Oh well.

However, in signing up with the insurance through my workplace, I was able to sign up with a service called "Living Well". It offers incentives for making and maintaining healthy choices. Since I've been trying to do so on my own anyway, I figured this would be a great opportunity for me to get some extra motivation going.

So, I did their assessment test. I actually got a good "score". Better than I thought I would get. I set up a food journal, so I can start keeping track of what I eat and when. It came at a good time, too, as I just got a cookbook containing 200 recipes, all containing less than 200 calories! I figure keeping track of what I eat, and having to actually look at it, might help me to start making better decisions regarding what I put into my body.

I had also just a couple days ago decided to drink more water. I came up with a system for while I'm at work. I am to drink a full 16 ounce bottle of water between each of my breaks. That is about 2 to 2&1/2 hours time. It's going pretty well so far, and ensures that I drink at a minimum, 3 bottles a day. Plus, I have a huge water bottle sitting on my desk at home, that I drink off of all day. The good side of that is not only do I drink more water, but it gets my kids to drink more water as well. The bad side is that my kids drink all my water, so when I go to drink it, it's gone! However, that makes me have to get up and fill it up, so I'll just count that towards keeping active :)

The one area I'm failing miserably in is exercise. I really want to join that Pilate's class. Even moreso- I want a treadmill. I have no idea where I would put it, but I would use that baby. I know I would, which makes me not having it even worse. I have grand ideas of taking a walk every evening... the waning sunlight strewn through our tree laden drive. Yeah right. It's dark by the time I get home now, and the last thing I want to do is go for a walk in the cold. (If you didn't already know, I'm a huge wuss when it comes to cold.) But I need to get active somehow. I need to find something to spark and hold my attention long enough to keep me going. I am one of those people who needs others around to motivate me to keep moving. Others who are also moving, not just cracking a whip while they point and laugh.

So, this is my quest to get healthier, and stay healthier. I need to bunker down and go through those cookbooks and gather ingredients. I need to stop focusing on the cost of the foods, and focus on the cost those high fat "cheap" ones are charging our bodies. I need to pull myself out of my chair and do something. Get creative, get active, get mind-challenged.