~A Bitter Swallow~

Crazy dreams again last night.   I seem to have this repeating kind of cycle.  They are not the same dream repeating over and over, just in the way they proceed.

Cycle one starts with a very intense nightmare... something lucid and extreme.  I don't remember the details of this one, but I remember the feeling of dread washing over me, the stuttering of my heart, the ice in my veins, as well as the anger of being put in such a position. 

The next cycle is me "waking up", and I start to tell someone about the dream I just had, but it's like I start to have a panic attack while telling them.  My heart races and I can't breathe.  The words won't come out.  I'm stuttering and I have to fight to say them.  I know that it's very important that I get across to them what happened, but suddenly I can't.  I don't know why it's so vital that I tell my nightmare to someone, but it is.

Cycle three is actually waking up, breathless, usually gasping the words in my sleep, forcing them out of me.  Then I realize it was a dream, and that I am actually awake this time.  I roll back over.

And the cycles start again.

I can even get up, walk around, go use the restroom, talk to someone, etc... and then go back to bed, and the cycles will still continue sometimes.  Not always, but sometimes.  It's really quite bizarre.  I'm guessing it's another one of the weird side effects of this new medication.  All of these little things are quite interesting to experience, really.  Other than being ill last week, which I think might be part medication/part cold, nothing has really been detrimental, just... bizarre.  It's entertaining, if nothing else. 

Sometimes I seriously think I'm losing my shit.  If you take some time to scroll through this blog, you'll see it mentioned often.  This isn't anything new.  Last night however, I got a pretty interesting visual picture in my mind to go along with this thought. 

I'm this big ass spider, but I must be some kind of mutant spider (in addition to my gigantic size.  Have you seen the movie by the way, it's pretty awesome in a completely awful way.  Go watch it.) because I had a bunch more than just eight legs.  I had like twenty.  Oh, and they were kind of obnoxiously long.  Anyway, I must have been pinned down because I couldn't move, and all of these legs were reaching and searching for all of the shits I  had lost.  I was seriously freaking out and flailing all of these crazy-ass long legs looking for all of my shits and couldn't find a single one. None of my shits were there to be found.  There were all lost.  Shit gone. 

On the bright side, maybe if they are lost long enough they will turn into fucks, and then I will have no fucks left either.....