~A Bitter Swallow~

It is nice to finally have my heater turned on again. Nice to be able to sit in my chair somewhat comfortably, albeit if my toes are still a bit frosty. No matter- they always are. But the rest of me is comfortable, and that is just fine by me.

That wasn't the case over the past month. After our first electric bill here was $300- after retrieving our jaws from the ground below us and putting them back in place (making sure each had their own, and not the other's... how awkward would that be?), we decided to see just where that enormous amount had come from. While old, there was just no way we could figure how this little trailer was pulling that much energy usage.

We figured it must be the heater, and decided to try a little experiment. We turned it off for the entire month of January (well, end of December through yesterday). I spent 30 days frozen to my core. My body reflected the cold by how tense my muscles were- folding into themselves in so many ways it made my bones cramp. And it was constant. We had bought some little space heaters, but those eventually ended up in my kids rooms, since I could not bear them being as cold as I all night. So I bundled up as best as I could. I added a blanket to my bed, which was not enough. I piled on sweaters and socks and throws, gloves and hats. I bit down and bore the pain in my insides and rode that icicle all the way through that billing cycle..

Only to be snowballed by another $300 electric bill...

So, now the heater is turned back on, and we are thumbing our chins and racking our brains trying to discover what else could be drawing all that power out of my pocketbook. Our next thought is the hot water heater.... I should go take that hot shower now, while I still can!

Panic. The Miriam-Webster dictionary defines this word as :
"1 a: a sudden overpowering fright; also : acute extreme anxiety
b: a sudden unreasoning terror often accompanied by mass flight
c: a sudden widespread fright concerning financial affairs that results in a depression of values caused by extreme measures for protection of property (as securities)"

I particularly enjoy the second description there; although why it is bulleted with a "c" I do not understand. I'm just not that much of a dictionary user to get it, I suppose.

Along those same lines, is Anxiety. The dictionary's description of that word was this:
"1 a: painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill
b: fearful concern or interest c: a cause of anxiety
2: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it"
.


However, I do get the definition of "panic" and "anxiety". Lately that little "c"'s definition has been describing me to a "t".. (I giggled at my little wit there... did you?). Ok.. so now I'm an idiot, because I just went back through looking at it, and noticed the "a" and "b" in the definitions.... /sigh. If that doesn't give you an idea of how my brain has been fluttering lately, I don't know what will. It feels like it's going to split open and spill it's contents all over the ground. I have this vivid image of an egg cracking, but in my vision of my brain, the contents are a livid blue, and then the saucy clearish, translucent goop that surrounds it seeping into a giant pool- the "yolk" of my brain breaking and spreading out into it..

I've always had issues with money. Some months and years have been better than others, and others worse. But lately, it just seems like I keep sinking and sinking, and that every time I think I may finally be able to get my head up out of the water, the ground suddenly drops unexpectedly out from under me. Sometimes it feels like someone is under there with a great big shovel, just waiting for me to get a toehold or foothold in the sand, and then they gleefully grab the earth from beneath me, laughing hysterically as they do so. That evil little bastard....

I've noticed that I'm having a difficult time keeping my thoughts straight, and keeping my stress levels under control. Perhaps it's because everything is so different now. Before, I at least knew a vague vicinity in which I stood. Now, there are no markers to tell me where I am or where I'm going. I'm moving forward, I think, but I'm moving blindly.. and it scares the ever-loving bejeebus out of me. I am not complaining about this new direction and this new obstacle of blindness. Don't get me wrong. It's just so out of the ordinary of what I've lived with for so many many years.

The money issue is the hardest for me to handle at the moment. I struggle with trying to envision my future, and where I will be. There are so many things I need to get paid up, and I just can't. I have to look at alternatives that I've never had to before, well, at least not in a long time. Not that any of these alternatives are going to hurt me. But they will definitely be inconvenient in many ways.

The thing that gets me the most- the part that does hurt- is when I start to think about my kids, and all of the things I wanted to do for them. All of the projects and activities I want them to be able to participate in and enjoy. I wanted to give them those things that I was unable to do as a child. But of course, I think all parents feel that way about their kids. At least any respectable parent who cares about their kid. We want to give them the world, and it makes me feel like a failure to not be able to do that for them. I worry whether I will be able to give them the basic necessities sometimes. I cannot even begin to think right now of those extra things. I know that they will never go without the necessities. I won't allow it. I have enough family around to where that will never happen. But I just want to feel my toes in that ground again. I want to feel the sand and earth under my feet, and have it stay there.