I wish this was going to be a happy post. I'm so sick of coming on here and whining, but sometimes I just have to let the pressure out, and this is the only place I know of to do so.
I don't feel like I can talk about this to anyone. They are either too close, not interested, have their own issues that I don't want to add to, etc... I really don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to anymore, and it's a really shitty feeling keeping this shit bottled inside. I also know it's not healthy.
Since no one reads this anyway, I feel like maybe just having this as my dumping ground will be okay. I'm only whining to myself, right? So, yeah.
I'm a failure. At everything. I'm 43 years old living in my friend's spare room. I've overstayed my welcome, but there isn't anything I can do about it. I cannot afford to move out. I've done the math a million different ways. It just doesn't work. Now I have to start paying them rent- which is 100% understandable- but is going to just make it a million times harder. It will cut into the amount of money I can save (I'll actually have to use the money from my savings account to pay the first installment.. happy birthday to me!), not to mention the amount I can pay towards my credit cards. They suggested bankruptcy. I'm only like $18,000 in the hole right now. I need to find another way.
I am looking into a second job. I know that is the logical next step, but it worries me. I'm not sure what kind of person I will become if I am always at work with zero down time. No sleep. It will most likely cut into any kind of regular diet.
But see- I'm also a failure because I can't just commit to anything like that either. I know it's what I need to do but I so utterly don't want to. I hate that it's something I have to consider. I've worked so hard for so long, and have just made bad choices, put into bad situations, misdirected loyalties, etc... I wonder if I've done anything right in my life. I don't even think my kids actually like me.
I'm depressed. I'm bad depressed. I know it. I don't have anywhere to go with it. I have no passions anymore. Nothing is fun for me. I don't care about anything. I long for things I'll probably never have. Everything I do turns to shit. I try and I try and I think I'm finally getting somewhere and then - sike! Here's something new to fuck everything up- and it's your own fault.
I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do. I've journaled. I've soul searched. I need to find a spark again but I'm a failure- remember? I try to push forward, but I'm fucking tired. I just want something to actually happen that is good! That stays good. That stays positive and forward moving. I'm an awful human being. I'm pretty fucking worthless right now.