~A Bitter Swallow~

I've been rather frustrated with some things lately. More than just the stupid house looking issue (that, thank goodness, is resolved!). But, I've come to some realizations, and some conclusions, and have devised a plan of action. I have given myself a deadline, and if things have not changed, things will change.

The winds are a blowin'.

***UPDATE**** We signed the lease agreement!! The landlandy (Cindy) is awesome. So far, I love her. So much weight has been lifted off my chest... It's an amazing feeling. Thank you to all of you who have helped out with this whole thing. I couldn't have made it through (without a full-blown, major panic attack or fifty) without you! Now, we will be scheduling a moving party!! End of August. =D

  So, we may have found a place.  We meet with the landlady in 2 hours to go over paperwork and all that jazz.  My son's Boy Scout leader is moving, and they need someone to move into the house they are leaving.  The funny thing is (and I may have mentioned this in a previous post) that we actually looked at the house last year when we were moving.  But, this house we are in won, not only for its size, but for the fact that it was with a property management.  After all the problems we've dealt with over the years with just dealing with the homeowners, we thought having a property management to go through would be a nice change.  Boy howdy, were we wrong. 

  Anyway, so we went back to the house and looked at it yesterday.  It is right around the corner from where we are now, so same location.  The bus stops wouldn't even change for the kids, other than the fact that they are moving up into the higher grades now.  It is directly across the street from a nice park, so while our yard is going to be smaller, we  have an entire park right across the street to play in.   Best of all, the Scout leader has had nothing but absolutely fabulous things to say about the landlady and her experience with her, and that leaves me feeling better than anything. 

I am trying not to get too hopeful just at the moment, though.  We are going to have a bit of a struggle with deposits.  As in- I have no freakin money, so I don't know how the hell I will get a deposit at all.  I'm hoping that she is willing to work with us on that a bit.  We will find out this morning.  We have nothing until the people here get through the house and give us our deposit back. However, in the dealings we've had with them in the past, I do not expect that to be quick, easy, or painless.  I am fully expecting them to take their sweet time with it, and then try and screw us out of as much as they possibly can.  

That, and I am also concerned with the amount of time that we will actually have to move.  I suppose it won't be too much of an issue, being as it is just right around the corner.  Moving will be fast.  Hell, I don't even have to pack too much really.  Just walk it over there.  We may only have a window of a week or so to get over there, which is totally doable.   My ideal scenario would be for us to be able to start moving in around the 15th, in order to give us plenty of time to actually set up and move stuff around and all that.  However, that will involve extra money for split month's rent, which I just do not have. 
Omg.. I need more money.

  Oh well.  It will work itself out.  I just hope that this scenario itself works itself out.   I like the homeowner.  I love the location.  And the house is really cute.  Smaller than here, but workable.  My daughter gave it a big thumbs up, too.   So, keep your fingers crossed for us, will ya?  =)

  This whole having to move thing is causing me too much stress.  I think I am doing a good job at keeping it in check, but I have my moments of melt-down.  Usually quick moments by myself, where I can let a few tears out, have my mini-freak-out, wash my face, and get back to normal before people notice my absence.  We have a few other places we've put calls into- on maybe good possibility, but I'm not putting any faith in it until it's a done deal.

  I have boxes all over my house, ready to be packed.  However, I'm struggling with trying to figure out what to pack.  We've moved so many times over the past few years, and purged with each move, so there really isn't too much more to get rid of.  And, I don't want to get rid of stuff I'll want once we're settled just because I'm having a tantrum today.  I've done that too many times, too.  I don't have the income to just go and replace it. 

 Plus, all the boxes, and trying to figure out what to pack, just reminds me that, once again, I'm having to do this.  I wonder when I'll find a place where I will be comfortable finally unpacking all the boxes;  Putting pictures on the walls, decorating...   When will we finally be able to settle?  It makes me feel like such a huge-ass failure as a person.  I'm almost 36 years old, and I don't have  a place where I call "home" and mean/feel it.  Because next year I'll just have to pack everything up again for one reason or another, and move it.  Granted, some of those moves have been my own damn fault.  Not this one, though.  Nor will the next.  Unless we get another really craptastic landlord (cross your fingers that that is not the case!). 

I am constantly reminded of my dad telling me that I was a "worthless piece of shit that would never amount to anything".  I often get the feeling that he was correct in his prediction.  And that makes me feel even worse.  I remember the dreams- no, not dreams, the conviction- as a kid, that I was going to be someone.  Maybe not someone famous, or necessarily rich, but I was going to be living a great life, comfortably.  I let the fact that I was so smart in school go to my head.  I thought there was no way I would ever be where I am now.  Well, hello drugs and money.  LOL.   I know things could be so much worse than they are now.  I am thankful that my son came when he did.  I'd much rather have the financial struggles from having a child than the horrible problems that would have arose from the drugs and the lifestyle I was living before I got pregnant.  It's more probable that I wouldn't even be around anymore.. or I'd be so much of a shell of myself that I may as well be dead.

But, I wanted so much more than this.  I expected so much more.  I want so much more for my kids.  I want to take them on vacations to places like Disneyland, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon, etc...  I want to be able to pay for them to participate in the activities they want to.  But, as sad as it is to say, right now I'd be so grateful just to give them a place where they can call home and not have to worry about moving again.  I can't believe I'm 35 years old, and still dont' have that. 

I try to rectify the situation, but how?  I don't know what to do.  I guess I could work more.  Find another job to make more money so that I can afford more.  I've mentioned that more than once on here, I know.  But I also am a firm believer that money doesn't solve everything.  It doesn't make a life.  More often than not, the working takes away from the life.  I don't want to take away time from my children.  I want a magic fairy godmother to shake her wand, say "Bibbity-bobbity-BOO" and make things brilliant for me.  

I take solace in that fact that I think my kids are happy.  I've so far been able to keep them in the same area, in the same schools, with their same friends.  That is one thing I refuse to compromise on.  I will not make them change schools.  I will go live in an apartment complex if that is what it takes.  Their schools/friends/etc are the one thing I've been able to keep constant for them.  The only way we will change (although it won't affect my son now that he's in the high school) is if we were somehow able to buy a house.   Then we would consider changing the junior high my daughter goes to.  But until that happens, we are staying in this area.  

So that is where it stands as of now.  I have my mini panic attacks here and there, but for the most part, I try to push them aside and focus my attentions elsewhere.  I'll save the major panic attack for last.   LOL