~A Bitter Swallow~

We got a new puppy on Friday! We adopted her from the Humane Society.

We had gone into PetSmart to get some things for the mouse. Whenever we go in there, we seem to immediately head to the left, which is not only where the fish are kept, but where the little room the Humane Society uses to show off their pets they have for adoption is. As we walked past it, I saw what looked like a German Shepherd. It was me who stopped and went in first to see her.

She is a German Shepherd / Akita mix. She is roughly between 7 and 10 months old. We don't think her previous owners showed her much attention, or gave her much love. She seems starved for both, but is so incredibly timid. She knows what a crate is, although she uses the laundry room here, since it is a perfect size. She is for the most part potty trained, but has had a couple accidents since being here.

She seems to equate coming inside with getting into trouble. So we have a difficult time getting her to come to us when we are trying to bring her back inside. It's frustrating, because we don't know how to go about it. We don't want to do anything to reinforce her ideas of coming inside equalling punishment, but we don't want to continue to let her get away with not listening either. Especially for getting her to come to us. She's started noticing the fence, and has shown interest in figuring out how to jump it. Luckily, we have caught her before she got over so far.

We've decided to put a runner out front, and attach her to it when she goes out. That way, she is tied up, but still has freedom to run. We'll just have to make sure she isn't able to jump the fence and really hurt herself while on it.

My daughter came up with the name Samantha. I'm not sure where she got it from, but it's cute, and we all agreed that we like it. So that is now her name. It only took us four days to get her one. Albeit, the kids were spending the weekend with their father, so were not here to come up with one, and I really wanted them to be a part of the naming process.

So far, Sam is fitting in quite well here.


On another note, today our kitty came back! He's been gone for probably a month now. I had just mentioned today that I planned on putting away the kitty litter box and his food dishes, etc. I had finally given up hope. It's as if he heard me and decided that wasn't okay! When Dustin went to leave for the grocery store, there was Boo, on the porch waiting. He's in good condition- not matted or anything. I don't think he was taken indoors somewhere necessarily, but he was fed. He seems to have been getting some kind of attention. His fur is still clean and soft, and he is still as lovable as ever!

And he still hates the dog. Make that plural, now!

There's nothing like rearranging your house to give you a sense of fresh accomplishment. It has its little way of giving you the feeling that you've done something to better your lifestyle.

Today, we did a few arrangements. We swapped out coffee tables. We had a regular, table with legs in the living room which Dustin uses as a desk for his two monitors. We switched it out with the other one we had in the game room , which had a bunch of storage underneath, not to mention gives more tabletop space. Now, all of the random stuff that accumulates around that area can be neatly stored underneath and out of sight.

We also gave the kids' desk area some more storage. We had one of those tall, skinnyish plastic drawer units in the kitchen, and it really wasn't being used as I had hoped. (My fault, since we decided to go ahead with putting in shelves instead.) So I pulled it out and placed it next to the kids' desk. Now, they have a drawer for their pens, pencils, and scholastic materials (think compass, calculator, etc). They have a drawer for their play dough. One for their scholastic workbooks. One for paper. And they each have a drawer of their own for any of their randomness that hangs around there (mainly, my son's Lego stuff, and my daughter's books and trinkets).

Then for my desk. I took off a small shelf that had wasted, unused space below it, that my monitor sat on. Then I moved the shelves over to the wall side of my desk, and my monitor so that it sits directly in front of me. This way, I don't have to turn my head to look at my monitor. It's much nicer on my neck in the long run. Plus, now my desk is all dusted, rearranged, and sharper looking, I think.

I feel accomplished now. I have a flank of corned beef thawed in the kitchen that I am about to go throw into my new crock pot for dinner. I need to go check out whether or not my Wii will play dvds, and if not, see about hooking up the old dvd player to it (I really need something new to work out to. The Wii Fit is just boring now, so that I don't have motivation to go do it). Then, after finishing up with the laundry, I will be nice and content with my day's work. I might even go try and mess around in the garden if the weather holds up some more. Gods and Goddesses alike all know that I could use the Sunshine!

There is suppose to be a big windstorm tonight. At least that is the rumor going around the library today. Outside the wind violently whispers its verification. As I sat in the break room reading, the walls and ceiling creaked and the door rattled around me. It was as though something had awoken within them- something formed of dust and old leaves, maybe even forgotten books, their pages crinkled and yellowed- all forming together in some semblance of life; waking and moving through the walls, shaking the windows and doors in an attempt to escape. Outside of this room there is nothing by which to gauge the breezes, which makes the scene even more eerie.



I have emailed Dustin and asked him to fill up some old gallon jugs with water, just in case the power goes out. Being on a well, if we lose power, not only do we lose our hot water, but we lose all water. Including drinking, bathing, and potty. I can live with the first two, but having the toilets backed up is debilitating. Not that I think we would be out for that long, but I learned my lesson a couple years back, when we had a big wind storm, and lost power for about two weeks. We were on a well then, too. I will leave it to your imagination to think of how that turned out. I can assure you, it was worse.

I woke this morning to snow. Well, that's not true. I woke this morning to the phone ringing. The only person(s) who would call at that time on a weekend morning was the library. I was befuddled though, as to what they would be calling about. With me covering my co worker's Sunday shifts, I am the first person in on Sundays, so they couldn't be calling me in to come in early. I figured maybe they needed me to bring something, or whatever. I bumbled out of bed, and went to check the message I knew would be waiting on the voice mail.

My living room's blinds are usually always closed, and they were so this morning. I checked the caller ID, and was not surprised to see my boss's number on there. I checked the message, and while doing so, strolled into the game room, whose blinds are up. I was shocked to see inches upon inches of SNOW in my front (back) yard! She was calling to let me know it was supposed to turn to rain, and to make it in whenever I could.

Snow. Darn blarney. I'm so sick of that cold white stuff. It's beautiful, but I want to plant my starts. Yes, the ones I've pretty much killed by leaving out overnight. That is a different story that makes me want to cry, so I haven't posted about it yet. I might get around to it, I might not.

I don't feel well today. My lunch idea was a bad one. I went to China Sun, but my taste buds just weren't into it. Oh well. better food than i would have eaten at McD's. And about the same cost. I had to leave early though, because the bustle of people was bothering me. The light and sound is not meshing well with my brain today. I paid for my measly lunch, and went back out to my car. In the parking lot at the library, I sat for awhile and continued to read my book, until all the coffee and water I had drank this morning was no longer willing to wait. Then I sat in the break room, in the chair next to the window, with the nice cool breeze, and the comfort of the sun rays hugging me. I read some more, until time to work.

Now here I am. Working.

I'm so tired. So tired lately. But I sleep. And I dream. I wonder if it's the dreams that are the culprit of my sleepiness. I dream, but they are busy, restless dreams, and I think I wake frequently during them. My eyes are heavy and leaded. It takes all my efforts to keep them open. I am looking forward to tomorrow's workday end, whereupon I can go home and just sleep. Sleep until I am not tired anymore.

Maybe I'm still sick. Those sick bugs are clawing their way through; refusing to die completely off.

Or maybe it's all the caffiene.

I feel like such a whiner. Part of me doesn't care. If I can't whine here, where can I?

I feel like I'm cracking up. Not in the gut-crunching joyful way, but in the mind-splitting crazy way. My brain feels like it's pulsing, swelling and receding. The world takes on a somewhat skewed, warped view, and it's maddening. I've found my emotions all over the place. I am upset or angry for no reason, and even while feeling it, I cannot pinpoint what is causing it. I can't even hit the target. My arrows are falling precariously beyond, short, around- anywhere but at the intended area. I cannot figure out what is causing my emotion wave-surfing. It seems that everything I have enjoyed is starting to take on a greyed appearance, and it is flavorless. I know that I'm acting irrational, yet have no means by which to stop it.

It is horrible to feel this while with my children. I try to keep that happy face on and not let them see how horrible I feel. Not only physically and mentally, but made worse by the fact that I now have guilt at not being completely engaged with them, either. I've noticed that my fuse is considerably shorter, and I get aggrivated and moody so easily. I have little interest in interacting with others, even those I love tremendously. I find myself pushing others away, crawling away instead into my own silence and melancholy. I close my mind off to anything other than what I am intent on at the moment, and any interferance is cause for strife for me.

It manifests itself physically as well. Headaches, stiff neck and shoulders, stomach upset and nausea, lack of appetite, or horrendous appetites. I've been chewing my nails more than normal.

I am reading voraciously. It's as if I just want to immerse myself in the fantasy life of some other writer- to lose myself and not have to come out into the real world. I can live in that otherworld for awhile. I don't want to leave the house and interact with anyone other than those fantasy characters in the books.

I still get up and do what I need to do. I make dinner, I clean the house, I feed the animals, and exercise. I shower, I eat, I interact with my kids and take them to their various activities. I sleep as well as I can, and I get up in the morning.

I don't want to go back on anti-depressants, although I know that is what my symptoms describe. I've been down that road enough times to know my way around it. I also know that taking those dratted pills was never my forte. I only end up sending myself on a drugged up see-saw. And while it's not narcotic, it's still an assault on the hormones in my body, and with the rapid rises and tragic dips, it's more than my little brain can take.

So, I suppose I can research more natural methods to battle depression. I know about diet and exercise, and getting out there. I know I will work to act on more of those things. Maybe some St Johns Wort to help me along the way. I'm hoping that once the snow and frost subside for the year and the Sun comes out in all his glory, that it will help to liven my spirits, to make me excited about going outside the house again.

I push myself to force myself beyond this shell of intolerance and annoyance, and delve into the beauty and harmony that lies inside. I embrace my children, sit down and help them with thier homework, answer or find the answers to their questions, listen to their stories, ask them questions, see how their days went and be genuinely interested in what they say.

And today is my daughter's birthday. Nine whole years old now. I had to work all day, but she got to take her friend with her to IHOP for breakfast with Dustin. She also got to hit the candy store.

Yesterday we had their party at the park. The weather was a champ and held out beautifully for us. Albeit extremely cold! The party was actually cut short due to how chilly it was outside. I was a bit disappointed that everyone decided to leave so early, but I was cold myself, so I understood.

The kids pulled in a nice haul, though not as big as usual. With them getting older and harder to buy for though, that is not suprising. I even had to just break down and get my daughter a gift card, since I could not figure out what to get her. She was so adament about NO TOYS!

So, happy birthday Babooska.

Next year will be the big one, with them turning 13 and 10. Wish me luck!

Today my oldest turns 12. I can't believe how times flies. It seems he was only a toddler running after his sister mere months ago. Now, he is on the verge of turning into a young man. He is still at that wayward stage. He is the cool, collected young man on one side, and my little boy who still enjoys sitting and playing with his action figures and playdough. Especially with his sister. Of course, his games are turned into complex, strategic games. Almost Dungeon and Dragonesque. I bet if I bought him a D&D book he'd have a blast with it.


Since his sister's birthday is only 3 days away, we combine their parties into one. This year, we will celebrate at one of the local parks this Saturday. It has a nice big field, baseball fields, BMX trails, hiking trails, and a nice little playground to roll around in. As long as the weather cooperates, it will be a grand time. And, I suppose I could just tell everyone to bring a change of clothes, and in the case the weather decides to pour rain, we can have a great big dirty game of mud football.

We are replacing his PSP for him for his birthday. A pricey gift, but the one he had broke on him. Right before Christmas this happened, and since we were unaware of it, had bought him about 4 new PSP games. So he has sat, pouring through the literature that came with them, excited about the gameplay, but unable to partake in it. So, we are going to remedy that situation.

Now, hopefully he doesn't pick one of these next couple days to start reading my blog.

My little boy is growing up. He's not so little anymore (not that he was ever little to begin with, being a 10 pound, 10 ounce, 21 & 3/4 inch baby when he was born!). It makes me feel old. But it also makes me proud to see that, all in all, he is growing into a very great little man!

Happy birthday, Pumpkin!

So, I decided one of the issues I have with my writing is the fact that I'm making most of it public for everyone to read. This makes me more nervous and unhappy with it. Yes, there is a way for me to keep it private. But I like to just put it out there once it's written there. The private area is hard for me to go back into and edit/work on later. Just like this one is. But I never write anything on here that I need to think on and come back to. Nor do I have any reason to keep them private :)

To remedy this, I decided to move all of my stuff over to Microsoft Word. I was reluctant to do this before, because I was afraid of my computer crashing, and losing everything. Or not being able to get into Word. Or using another computer.

I made a deal with myself that anytime I add, change, write, etc on that story- I will save it on the website. If I change any of the ones I've already posted, they will be reposted in their updated form. However, there will probably not be anything new for awhile. Everything else I will save in the private area, so that if something does go wrong with this computer, I will still have access to everything I've done.

But that is aside from the point I originally came here to write about. While going through my website and transferring these files over, I came across an old story I was starting to work on. It was my main story before Bone&Silver. It, too, is a good story. But a bit risque, which I think is why it was so easy for me to switch over all my energies to B&S. After seeing it again though, I feel those neurons firing up again. I suppose I will be going back and forth between the two. Hopefully I won't start getting them mixed together!

On another note, I also noticed that when I go back through and do the spell check on my website- it's not saving the changes I made. I type rather fast, but my spelling gets horrible when I'm in that zone. So I rely on the spell checker to work for me, so that I don't have to worry about that proofing. Apparently that isn't the case anymore, so I apologize for the horrid spelling and grammatical errors. They shall be remedied!

By Bette Midler
Probably one of my all-time favorite songs

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

I've come to the conclusion that I am just a big, fat scaredy cat when it comes to writing. There is always an excuse for me not to, even when I'm itching to. It's that fear of it not coming out the way I envision it in my head. All the reading I've been doing contrarily has not been helping. I read all these good stories, and they make me feel even more incompetent.

When I try to put stuff down, it all comes out jumbled up. Trying to sort through that jumbled mess and piece it together just frusterates me. I start second guessing myself, start wondering if that is the best avenue of approach, or if it sounds believable. I'm not good at doing research, and I think that will hurt me. Of course, I can save it until after my story is out of my head, but then what if I go to do that research and find out that what I wrote isn't plausible. Another rewrite.

I know the basis behind my story is good. I know the idea is good. I believe the responses I got from people when explaining my ideas and storyline to them. It was favorable. Now, just getting it all down in a readable written version is my hurdle. Sitting down and dedicating myself to it is my obstacle. My procrastination and laziness are not kind qualities. Neither is my self-doubt.

Will I actually sit myself down and spend some quality time with my website, story and computer tomorrow? I will have the peace and quiet I've wanted, and while the desktop may be uncomfortable, and the laptop snaily slow, do I really even notcie that when I'm in that zone? I think not. Enough of the excuses. Time to get real and do this.

Tomorrow.

I was suppose to go volunteer in my daughter's classroom after work today, but when I got there, I found out that her teacher was gone for the day. So, I found myself with some unexpected down time. At least a couple hours worth.

I thought I could maybe get some writing done, but with my head hurting this way, it's just not going to happen. Yes- more excuses, but I still have this rubber band taunt headache around my skull. I'm not sure what's causing it, but it just doesn't seem to want to leave. I wake with it, I go to bed with it. Frusterating, to say the least.

I am also going to have my day tomorrow free as well. An unexpected dentist appointment has my friend out of her house all day, so I won't be able to go hang out and show her some of the basic online fun-stuff, like creating Myspace or Facebook profiles, etc. I should show her the blogging, too :)

So, I'm hoping tomorrow the headache will give me a break. I will use the time to transfer my plants, and pray that the freezing spells are finished for the time being. And of course, since my kids cleaned their rooms yesterday there is a ton of laundry. And then writing. I should have the house to myself all day tomorrow, and would love to get some writing done. Please work with me on this, head! Regardless, I will do it anyway. If I ever aspire to finish it, I need to work on it. Hell, I'd be happy with a chapter!

Right now, I think I might go lay down and try to nap some. I see a nice little peek of sunshine on the couch there, and curling up in its warmth with my blankie sounds rather appealing. My brain thinks so, too.