~A Bitter Swallow~

I feel like I need to write. I feel like my head is going to explode. There is too much crap in there boiling and threatening to burst out of my skull like a volcano, spewing it's contents everywhere, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Part of my new wellness challenge is to keep track of my mental well-being. It wants me to delve into any stresses I may have, and bring them forth and battle them. I think this is a horrible idea. I have too much stuff in there. I try very hard not to look behind those doors I've closed, locked and barred. My brain is too messed up. Those prisoners are there because I don't want to have to look at them. I don't want to have to face them and hear what they have to say. I don't want to have to admit that they are a part of me.

And with my current state of madness, I feel like I will surely just crumble. I am not strong enough to deal with this. I'm not a strong enough person to know the things I know, and to keep thinking that everything is fine and dandy. I'm also don't want to lose what I've worked so hard to gain. But there are things inside of me that scream and shake and beat on the walls. They make me hear them. They make me know they are there. I don't know how to handle this.

I think some of my headache problems have stemmed from this. From just locking things away and not wanting to deal with them. They push forward, with physical effects on my body.

With my insurance came another perk that allows mental support and health. I have been seriously thinking of finding a therapist to see about helping me with some of this stuff. But that is scary.