~A Bitter Swallow~

         I seem to be in this whole "once-a-month posting" thing, or something.  It seems that every month to month-and-a-half I'll put something up here.   Even though things have been pretty eventful around here, in their own way.  I just haven't had the drive to post about it.  Whether or not that's a good thing, bad thing, or "who cares?" thing, I don't know.  Regardless, here I am again.  

     Dustin has come back.  It's been a while now, but as I mentioned before, I just haven't sat down to post about anything.   He proved me wrong, which is one of those times when being proven wrong is a good great thing.   However, some of me wonders if it would be the case if things had gone good out there.  If he had gotten a job, etc... would he still have come back?   I have decided that it's best not to dwell on that sort of thinking, though.  He's here, and I'm happy about that, so I will leave it at that. 

     Things with the house are frustrating.  We still have no word back from the property management on whether or not our lease is going to be renewed, or if they still want us out.   It's incredibly stressful.  We were so excited to be with a property management team so that we would have actual communications about our house, and get problems resolved in a timely manner.  That hasn't been farther from the case here.  There is absolutely no communications from them.  I don't know if it's a problem with the homeowners, or just the property management, but regardless, the property management should be telling us something.  Even if it's just "They still haven't gotten back to me yet."  But silence is not golden in this scenario.  It's pissing me off, to be completely honest.   We were so excited to finally have found someplace where we would no longer have to move.  Somewhere we could finally settle down and make a real home; have some stability for the kids.  Then they tell us half-way through that they changed their minds.  Well, our property management person told us that. Once.  Then hasn't said a word about it since.  So, we aren't sure if it was ever really an honest statement, or something said in passing as a "maybe" that got blown out of proportion to us, or what.  But I can tell you that her lack of communication has really frustrated us to the point of no longer wanting to deal with it, even if they do decide to renew the lease. 

    But at the same time it makes me so sad, because we truly love this place.  It the perfect location and the perfect size.  We love the yard, and the garage area.  The thought of having to pack up and leave it behind makes my insides hurt.  Honestly hurt.   It makes my stomach twist and my brain just refuses to deal with it.  When I try, it gets all achy and foggy... I feel like a dvd that's skipping.   But dealing with this property management (or, not dealing with them, if you want to get technical...) is too much.   We are in a state of constantly being on our toes, not knowing what is going to happen. 

   We have a place to go.  And it's super cute.  But I have my reservations about it, I must say.  There are questions that have come up between Dustin and myself (I will talk to you about those later, if you are reading this).  I'm not going to post them here, because they do not need to be publicly addressed, but I was hoping to be super excited about the next place we found.  I suppose it's just because we like it here so much.  

   Maybe it's just that I don't know how to handle things going right for a change.  Things seem to have been falling in place lately.  Dustin is going back to school, with strong work options.  We have someone willing to get us into a place with no money down (which is essential if we are to move, as we don't have the funds for deposits, first/last, etc at the moment).   My secured credit card went unsecured, and they refunded my deposit for that, which was just enough to get us officially caught up on bills, which is a bonus and huge relief.    But things just feel off to me.  It's almost like walking through a great dream, but one that has a dark undertone and winds up turning into a huge nightmare.   I keep waiting for the boogeyman to jump out and steal everything out from under me. 

  Oh well.  I am going to just take things day to day and see how they wind up.  I'm trying to keep my anxiety at bearable levels, but I can feel the tendrils of panic seeping in, which is strange since things are going okay if not good, and I see no reason to freak-the-eff out.  But, there it is.   However, I am going to be thankful for every positive thing that comes our way, and remind myself that we deserve it.