This past Saturday I hurt my back. I had bought my kids some dressers ($1.29 each at the Goodwill!! And they are nice dressers!), so I was helping my son get his room picked up, since he also wanted to rearrange it in the process. So, we moved his bed (easy, since it's just the boxspring and mattress), then dug into moving all his crap into a pile in the corner in order to fit the dresser through. While moving a pile of his laundry over, I tweaked something. Brought me to my knees, and really made me worry for a moment that I wasn't going to be able to get up, and that I was going to have to go have my son call someone to drive me to the hospital.
After a couple moments of breathing, I was able to stand up. I stretched it out, got it limbered up, and proceeded on with cleaning the rooms and moving the furniture. All went fine after that, and though my back was still faintly throbbing, it wasn't overwhelming. However, as the night grew on, my back protested more and more and more. It worried me enough to start thinking about urgent care visits again, but not enough to actually go.
I spent Sunday staying low, thinking that by the time Monday morning rolled around, I'd be kosher for work. I was wrong. I started thinking about that dull throbbing in my back, and then added that to my job at work, and decided no way- no how. So I stayed home. Then realized that by staying home, I was going to end up doing my back more harm than good, since I wouldn't be able to keep myself from doing all those nasty chores that need to be done.
Have you ever really noticed how much your back actually does? Try having it in pain every time it moves the slightest, and you'd be amazed!! Throw in some spasms.. and there's me. So, I made Dustin go with me to the Goodwill, and St. Vinnies, and the St. Vinnies in Bremerton, and the Goodwill in Silverdale. I used a cart as a walker. It was grand. It still hurt, but it was better than trying to bend over and throw laundry around, or scrub out bathtubs.
Today, I decided to come to work, despite the lingering pain. I mean, really, I just put myself on a moderated "bed rest"- by going to work. I knew dang well that I would put more pressure on my back if I stayed home again, then if I just limited myself to the check-out station here. Is that horrible? Work is better rest than at home. Not to mention, I don't want to use up all my sick leave on this stupid thing. *sigh*
Every day I get a twinge that drives itself deeper and deeper into me, telling me I need a new laptop. A small, easily portable one. One that handles the Internet like it was butter to a baker. One that I can lounge on the couch with, or at a coffee shop with.
Sitting in this chair- at this desk- to write, is debilitating. It's counter-conducive to my zen. No feng shui here boys and girls.
Hey! Know me well enough you think to help me out a bit?
So, as mentioned in my previous post, I have some work to do on my head. I've incorperated these sites before to try and help with that, and then just let the info lie dormant. Now, I feel I might be ready to tentatively move forward and meet these things head on.
But, I need outside help. I can only see so much of my own psyche. I'm a bit biased, ya know. If you could clicky on each link below and then read over and give me some honest feedback, I'd really appreciate it. You don't have to add your name, but I think it would help me by keeping things in context, ya know?
Anyways- here are the links:
Johari Window
and
Nohari Window
Thank you muchly!!
I've been sitting here under an undue amount of stress lately. I know I shouldn't let that go on, but I'm not really sure how to let go of it. I was reading a blog I follow here, and she was talking about how here "resolution" for this year is to let go. May I mention here that I find this woman incredible in her strength and convictions. Anyway... much of what this gal says hits home, and this did, too. I think some areas of my psyche would greatly benefit from me being able to just let go of some junk. It's like my cluttered house. My brain is so cluttered that I can't maneuver around in there. I need to clean some of that junk out. Yard sale, maybe?
There are things I need to deal with, work on, plain let go of and move on. The problem is, I'm not sure how to do all these things. Which ones do I confront? Which ones do I simply walk away from? And by walking away, am I really letting go, or merely running from them some more? How far should I delve into these things? Am I going to only wind up stirring the pot and hurting myself even more by analyzing some of this crap?
I know I'm being really vauge. I'm not giving much information to work off of here. The truth of the matter is, one of these issues are trust issues, and the fear of others seeing my inner sides. The issues are things I'm not certain I really want made public in this way.
All I know is that the stress is wearing on me, and it's starting to show to those around me. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. When people ask "What's wrong?", I don't know how to answer. I don't know how to answer it to myself yet.
New Years
It's that time of year for new resolutions. Okay, it's a little past that time, but I've been lazy busy. Okay... I've been lazy. I was looking over what I'd written last year. All those things I had planned on doing. Some I did, some I tried, some I didn't even attempt other than thinking about it.
I've been writing more, even if it's mostly blogging rather than actual storytelling. But it's more than nothing. I've been reading more, which is fantastic. New stuff and old alike. While my vocabulary isn't necessarily broader, I'm still getting those daily words with which to cram my head with. I have been cooking in more, but not necessarily eating out less. However, I have been trying to make more health-consious decisions when eating out, as well as when cooking at home. I was exercising more, but got discouraged when I wasn't seeing results. I tried, hard, alot... and got nothing. So, now I have to try again. I planted my garden, and tried to keep it tended, but between my brown thumb, the rabbits, and the slugs- it died. I got my son in karate (which he still loves). I got my daughter into choir for awhile, but she doesn't want to do any after school activites (I'll find something eventually!). The kids' dental work is either done, or doing. I got medical insurance. I've been drinking more water.
So- that is 2009 in a nutshell. At least, based off my resolutions for that year. I got maybe half accomplished, and I think that's pretty good. There are some I really wish I'd taken more time to do, but they will be in this years, and maybe this will be thier year. That said- here are some of the things I'd like to get done this year:
1. Write more. I had this last year, but I want to focus more on my stories, not only on my blog. I don't want to spend less time on my blog- just more on the stories.
2. Learn how to use my sewing machine. I would really like to learn how to make some of those clothes, purses, etc that I have the patterns and fabric for in there! All I need is the know-how!
3. Continue to cook more at home, and cook healthy meals.
4. Learn how to shop efficiently for healthy food and snacks.
5. Make it a habit to eat breakfast, and choose (and bring) healthy snacks throughout the day.
6. Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! And not be discouraged if I don't "see" results. Let my body tell me how it's doing, maybe not visually, but internally.
7. Find some new parks. The ones I know of in the area have become dull to me, and even my kids. Time to move on to new and fresh.
8. Find some good hiking trails, and use them; get us all out there, breathing in that fresh air!
9. Go camping. I cannot remember the last time I went, and I miss it.
10. Go out with my family at least once a month. By family, I mean my brother and sisters, and mom and dad. We don't spend as much time together as we use to since I quit partying. I need to have them for dinner, or whatever.
11. Start actually doing all those crafts I bought all the supplies for.
12. Learn how to make more natural, enviornmental friendly products for cleaning, both the house and our bodies.
13. Go see some live music. This shouldn't be as difficult as it's been for me. I know there's live music around here- I am just horrible about finding it.
14. Get the animals to the vet. This is one of those ones that really should have been done last year, but wasn't.
15. Figure out what is going wrong in my son's Language Arts class, and help him rememdy it.
16. Help my daughter understand this math stuff.
17. Give a garden another shot, but read up on it more instead of just jumping in.
18. Model more for Dustin.
19. Get the shed cleaned out, gone through, and organized.
20. Get the boxes in my bedroom cleaned out, gone through, and reorganized.
gauntlet
PRONUNCIATION:(GONT-let, GAHNT-)
MEANING:noun:
1. A long thick glove worn as part of medieval armor.
2. A challenge. To throw down the gauntlet: to challenge someone.To take up the gauntlet: to accept a challenge.
3. A form of military punishment where a person was forced to run between two rows of people who struck him as he passed in front of them. Used in the phrase: to run the gauntlet.
4. An attack from all sides; a severe trial or ordeal.
See definitions 3 & 4 there? That's what I feel like today. I feel like I'm being beaten by all sides. Unending. And the hitters? The attackers? My own body.
Ugh.
I feel ill. I've had a bad taste in my mouth since late last night. Unidentifiable as of yet. It kept me awake. My stomach is in upheaval. My brain is on strike, and not a peaceful one. My coworker is back in the hospital, which is so much way worse than this, so I can't go home sick.
Four more hours, and I get to go home. The hours pass as weeks, the minutes days, the seconds hours. My proverbial watched pot. Only- it's a clock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Only, much slower.