~A Bitter Swallow~

For those of you who know me, or those interested enough, I started a new blogger today dedicated to my path of self-discovery. I've noticed a need to do some soul searching, and this is how I think will best suit those needs.

If interested in watching, visit http://tenderlovingrage.blogspot.com/


Thanks!

What is it with my self-destructiveness? I am sick. I feel like Hell, and I am pretty sure I look it. My head is splitting in two, and I am seeing doubles. My stomach is in knots, with sharp pains shooting through it. And what do I do? I come in to work. And of course, everything is a million times amplified.. from the light, to the noise, to my nerves. I've only been here an hour, and it feels like a full 8-hour day. I have 4 more hours to go. Sweet goddess... I hope I make it.

There is something in me that just screams NO to me calling in. Not that I've never done it while working here before, just, I have to be pretty much dead to do so. Or come in and get sent home. LOL. Perhaps it's from working at the pharmacy. If someone called in, chances were it WOULDN'T get covered, and the day would just be misery for those who were there. I remember dreading when people called in, knowing that the day would just be complete madness. And because of that, I wouldn't call in unless I physically could NOT make it there, and sometimes would show up even despite that. It was not a company that looked kindly on time off. It caused too much distress within the operations of the day.

Now, KRL is nothing like that. They are very understanding of things like that. I have relaxed more about things here, but I still have that part of me that refuses to call in sick. And tomorrow, hopefully, I will feel better, or else it will start all over again, only be a longer shift...

I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to help me out by giving me their positive opinions of me at http://kevan.org/johari?name=Thaydra and even more so for those who gave their negative opinions of me at http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Thaydra . I got a total of 9 people to fess up on each site, most of who did both. I am very appreciative of your honesty. I plan to now utilize both sites and opinions to do some self soul-delving, and maybe find out just what makes me tick, and what ticks me off.. lol.

If you haven't done one or the other, please still feel free to do so. I would gladly like to hear more thoughts. It is not something that "expires", so go ahead! It does max out at 6 choices, and you do have to pick at least 5. If you cannot think of 5, please pick those that you DO feel represent me, and then just shoot me a comment or email and let me know which ones you didn't really think fit, but chose them just to get the other opinions in there.

In closing, another big thank you for those who took time out of their days to complete this for me. I will keep you all blogged up on my progress =)

Thank you to all of you who gave your opinions on my Nohari window. If you haven't yet, please go here and do so. http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Thaydra . Don't worry about telling me bad stuff. I'm a big girl, and I haven't screamed at anyone else who's taken it yet! hehe

Also, I know when I did DW's, it was really hard for me to pick the required 5. If you had difficulty with it, I would appreciate if you dropped me an email or comment and let me know which ones were easy for you to pick, and which ones were more difficult to figure out. That will give me a better idea of the real opinions. If it was easy for you to pick 5 or more.. cool. Well, not really "cool", but you know what I mean.

Now, as promised, is your opportunity to pick your positive opinions of me. Visit my Johari window, and pick 5 or 6 words you think describe me. http://kevan.org/johari?name=Thaydra
Thanks for your participation in this. I really appreciate it.

pause


My boyfriend hollered this out in his sleep one night while I was tossing and turning. It worked, because I stopped. That word "pause" had hit me somewhere deep in my little brain. It triggered a response; one that made me relax. pause

I started thinking.. what if I could just hit the pause button, and make everything stop for awhile? What would I do with it?

I started thinking of all the things you could do with an ability like that? Have you ever seen the movie "Click"? I wouldn't want a remote like that. I'm not sure I would want the rewind and fast forward buttons. Too much chance for really screwing things up that way. But to just be able to pause once in awhile! Now that would be refreshing.

When things at work or home start getting too much.. pause... and go take a walk outside for a moment. Not quite ready to go in yet, pause.. and capture just one more moment. I know there have been many times when I look at something in Nature, and am just absolutely captivated, sometimes just for a moment while passing through. How uplifting it would be to have the chance to pause and just take in the view.

And then those thoughts lead me to thinking, why do we need the idea of a remote for that? Why can't we just make time for pauses in our life? We all tend to get so caught up in work and bills and such, that we forget to slow down and just be. We forget to take in the sunrises and sunsets. We forget how nice it can be to just go sit in a park and read a book, or watch the children play and the ducks swim by. How rewarding is it to create a pause in your hectic life, to take some time to hang out with your kids? Go throw a ball around, read, or even all cuddle up on the couch with some popcorn and watch a movie.

Life is full of opportunities for pause. I think we as a society have become so fast-paced that we no longer see them. We are so wrapped up in bills that need to be paid, work that needs to be done, appointments we need to keep. We are so focused on the quick now, now, now.. but we don't actually live in the now. We don't pause long enough to feel the moment, to take in that breath and feel alive.

So I ask of you one small favor. Pause for a moment. Feel the breeze on your skin, the breath that you breathe. Listen to the sound of life being lived around you. Capture this one instant of your life and feel it. Live it. Create that photograph in your mind. Pause.

According to a site I have previously linked all you folks- http://www.brownielocks.com/april.html the week of April 13th through April 19th is National Library Week. I thought we should celebrate this, seeing as how I work in a library, and I love to read. I thought I could start by listing some of my favorite books for you. You can also go to http://www.thaydra.com/ and read some of my book reviews of my recently devoured tales.



1. Right now, I am currently just over halfway through my most favorite book of all time, entitled "Swan Song" by Robert McCammon. It is a tale that tells about some special folks after WW3 wipes out the majority of America (and, it is implied, the rest of the world). It follows Swan, Josh, Sister, and a handful of others as they try and figure out where to go and how to continue on in a world that has been decimated by nuclear war. It conjures up versions of how good and bad people react to a world so instantly and drastically different, and how their personalities differ so dramatically in how they live. Mr. McCammon comes up with an ingenious way for Nature (or God, if you will) to be able to show peoples' true faces.



2. On the same line of "Swan Song", I also absolutely love "The Stand" by Stephen King. This is another book about how people struggle to survive and rebuild after the world as they know it, along with most of the people in it, is(are) wiped out. In this case, it is a fast-spreading super flu. It follows how the people are drawn together, good to good, and evil to evil, and how they battle it out to regain, or keep control of their lives and what they have left.

3. "Clan of the Cave Bear" by Jean Auel enraptured me in my late teen years. A tale (and subsequent series) of a young Cro-magnon girl, who is separated from her tribe as a very little girl when an earthquake strikes. She wanders aimlessly and is attacked by a cougar. She survives, and is eventually found by the medicine woman of a clan of Neanderthal people. The woman gets permission to keep the little girl, and it follows how the little girl, called Ayla, grows up in a clan so very different from herself, and how her "people" are enemies of the Clan. It follows Ayla as she grows and develops physically and mentally in ways the Clan do not, and how she struggles to fit in.

4. "Tales of the Brothers Grimm" retold by various different people, are in and of themselves priceless. I prefer the original, unedited stories, in all of their raw crudity and violence. They portray such a different picture than the remade "Disney" versions..

5. "The Hobbit" by J.R. R.Tolkien. The fantasy tale of hobbit Bilbo Baggins, and his quest to obtain the Dragon Smaug's treasure. He discovers a unique ring along the way, which grants him the ability to become invisible. It is also the story that spawns the Lord of the Ring trilogy, which follows the ring.

6. "Mr. and Mrs. God in the Creation Kitchen" by Nancy Wood is a children's tale of how Mr. and Mrs. God create the world and all of it's inhabitants. A beautifully illustrated book, with a whimsical view on creation.


Please visit my website for regular reviews on books I've entertained, and visit http://www.librarything.com/catalog/Thaydra to peruse books I've read, rated, and ones I plan to read in the future. LibraryThing is a wonderful place to keep track of books read, books you want to read, view other opinion on books, and get reviews and recommendations!

And of course, if nothing else, take a trip down to your local library and show some support!!

Panic. The Miriam-Webster dictionary defines this word as :
"1 a: a sudden overpowering fright; also : acute extreme anxiety
b: a sudden unreasoning terror often accompanied by mass flight
c: a sudden widespread fright concerning financial affairs that results in a depression of values caused by extreme measures for protection of property (as securities)"

I particularly enjoy the second description there; although why it is bulleted with a "c" I do not understand. I'm just not that much of a dictionary user to get it, I suppose.

Along those same lines, is Anxiety. The dictionary's description of that word was this:
"1 a: painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill
b: fearful concern or interest c: a cause of anxiety
2: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it"
.


However, I do get the definition of "panic" and "anxiety". Lately that little "c"'s definition has been describing me to a "t".. (I giggled at my little wit there... did you?). Ok.. so now I'm an idiot, because I just went back through looking at it, and noticed the "a" and "b" in the definitions.... /sigh. If that doesn't give you an idea of how my brain has been fluttering lately, I don't know what will. It feels like it's going to split open and spill it's contents all over the ground. I have this vivid image of an egg cracking, but in my vision of my brain, the contents are a livid blue, and then the saucy clearish, translucent goop that surrounds it seeping into a giant pool- the "yolk" of my brain breaking and spreading out into it..

I've always had issues with money. Some months and years have been better than others, and others worse. But lately, it just seems like I keep sinking and sinking, and that every time I think I may finally be able to get my head up out of the water, the ground suddenly drops unexpectedly out from under me. Sometimes it feels like someone is under there with a great big shovel, just waiting for me to get a toehold or foothold in the sand, and then they gleefully grab the earth from beneath me, laughing hysterically as they do so. That evil little bastard....

I've noticed that I'm having a difficult time keeping my thoughts straight, and keeping my stress levels under control. Perhaps it's because everything is so different now. Before, I at least knew a vague vicinity in which I stood. Now, there are no markers to tell me where I am or where I'm going. I'm moving forward, I think, but I'm moving blindly.. and it scares the ever-loving bejeebus out of me. I am not complaining about this new direction and this new obstacle of blindness. Don't get me wrong. It's just so out of the ordinary of what I've lived with for so many many years.

The money issue is the hardest for me to handle at the moment. I struggle with trying to envision my future, and where I will be. There are so many things I need to get paid up, and I just can't. I have to look at alternatives that I've never had to before, well, at least not in a long time. Not that any of these alternatives are going to hurt me. But they will definitely be inconvenient in many ways.

The thing that gets me the most- the part that does hurt- is when I start to think about my kids, and all of the things I wanted to do for them. All of the projects and activities I want them to be able to participate in and enjoy. I wanted to give them those things that I was unable to do as a child. But of course, I think all parents feel that way about their kids. At least any respectable parent who cares about their kid. We want to give them the world, and it makes me feel like a failure to not be able to do that for them. I worry whether I will be able to give them the basic necessities sometimes. I cannot even begin to think right now of those extra things. I know that they will never go without the necessities. I won't allow it. I have enough family around to where that will never happen. But I just want to feel my toes in that ground again. I want to feel the sand and earth under my feet, and have it stay there.

Following the lead of a friend of mine, I've decided to utilize this window to see other perspectives of me that I may be oblivious to. If you all would please take some time and do this for me, I would be so appreciative of it.

It does ask you to give your name. You CAN submit anonymously, however, it will help me much more if you actually put who you are, since I am asking such a variety of people to do this. Knowing whether it is close friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc.. will give me a much clearer perspective.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Thaydra

And do not fret... there will be a chance for you to submit your good impressions of me as well.

I would like to thank DragonWhelp for bringing this up, having the courage to do it first, and giving me the courage to take the step to do some soul searching myself. =)