~A Bitter Swallow~

It's that time again;  time for us all to make promises to ourselves that we will break within the first month or two of the new year, right?   The dreaded "New Year Resolutions".

I stopped doing those a long time ago.   It always just made me feel worse and worse as each year would roll around- watching yet another year go by and I hadn't done what I had said I was going to.   I still make lists of things I would like to accomplish, however, I do not set them in stone.   They are just goals I strive toward.  As each year passes, I find that I may need to make them a bit more realistic; a bit more manageable, or I may find that I'm kicking ass and getting those big goals taken care of.

 Sometimes I just make a long list of shit I'd like to have happen, and see how many I can get crossed off in that one year.   It's not logical to think that all of them would get crossed off.  So just getting more than one accomplished is a feat.   If you work with me, you might have noticed how much I enjoy crossing stuff off of my lists.   LOL

Some of you may have already seen this on my Facebook page.  The picture above is my "resolution" for this upcoming year, 2016.   Me.   I'm my resolution.  It's time.  It's time to honestly focus on myself and get my shit in order.  Straighten myself out, all around.  In 3D:   Physically.  Mentally.  Spiritually.

I made lists of goals I'd like to accomplish this year.  I tried to keep them valid and attainable.   Some I will probably need help with,  I'll need to figure those parts out.  I've taken each of my goals and separated them according to which category I feel they are going to help me balance-  my physical, mental, or spiritual well-being.  The ultimate goal is that by investing the time in re-balancing myself, it will help me become a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, and maybe at some point in the future, partner/lover.


So without further ado, I will list my goals as they stand now.  I list them for you all to witness so that you may judge me, accompany me, encourage me, laugh at/with me, assist me, or disregard me as you see fit.   I may or may not add to them as I see fit.  As I accomplish them, I will strike them out.   That is the part that makes my dark little heart patter with glee.


Physical:

Up my daily water intake.  Right now I average probably a measly 1-2 liters a day.  I'd like to double that, at least.

Start menu planning and stick with it.  Pizza nights need to be pre-planned or far and few between.  Vegetables need to be a main part of every lunch and dinner.

Morning smoothies need to be a thing again.

Take my vitamins every day.  I need to make sure I take my regular meds as well.  5 huge pills and 3 regular pills suck, but they make me feel better and keep the migraines at bay.  Laziness here is just plain stupid.

Make exercise a daily habit.  It would be easier if I had someone to tell me what to do, because I'm simply retarded in this area, and Google is just information overload to the extreme.  Not to mention leaving me to my own devices usually winds up with me huddled under my blanket on the couch with Netflix.   However,  finding a video or two and forcing myself to do them at home is just going to have to become a mind over matter issue.   I've been eyeballing that PiYo system.

Yoga.  Get back into yoga.  Find a way.

Start walking to work again.

Spend some time every evening stretching.



Mental: (this will be the long one)

Get financial issues in order-
    Pay off Capital One card
    Pay off car
    Pay off orthodontist
    Pay off smaller cards
    Pay down other two cards

Get Daemian's driver's license

Get Rhiannon's driver's license

Figure out the Microsoft Office issue on the computer, and then get the certificate

Figure out schooling stuff

Clean out the house/purge-
   Go through crafting stuff
   Go through other half of downstairs
   Go through my bedroom
   Go through books
   Clean up under porch / concrete area
   Go through kitchen cupboards
   Go through hallway closet
   Daemian's room
   Rhiannon's room
   Stuff above Daemian's computer

Finish my damn book!

Learn how to knit



Spiritual:

Start keeping a dream journal again

Get more connected.  Walks in the woods, on the beach, etc...

Embrace the holidays more.  Even if it's just something small like baking something, creating a craft, reading a story..

Become more of the kitchen witch I am.   Start stockpiling supplies as I can so I can start creating, plan the herbs, etc.. for this season, research and learn.

Try and attend a couple of ceremonies or events this year.

Meet new people (maybe at those ceremonies/events!)

  I'm really feeling it tonight:

The lonely
Cast aside
Forgotten
Insignificant
Broken
Not good enough
Not strong enough
I'm not enough

I dream
I hope
I wish
I grasp
I cling
I let go
I sacrifice
I strangle
I choke

I try
I try to be what I want to be
It's just not enough

I try
I try to be what others what me to be
It's still not enough

Nothing is ever enough
I'm not enough

  I'm not in a good place tonight.   My mind has wandered to places dark and bleak and seems to have set up camp.  I've tried the normal tricks to pull it back out to lighter, happier, or at least less scary places, but it is not falling for them this time around, and will not be swayed to leave.  I don't like it when it goes to these deep dark places.  The thoughts and images there are heavy and dripping with a finality that is a bit terrifying in their seductiveness.

  It would be so calming to no longer dredge these depths.  Or to have to pull myself up and force myself to skim shallow, donning the various masks for whichever occasion, hoping that one day the mask will just become real and maybe that content feeling will actually be honest instead of one of those stupid mantras I try to convince myself will one day come true if I just repeat it often and believe hard enough.  If I keep putting out that positive energy- it's bound to come back my way.   I think I've just pushed too much out and haven't left any to find its way back.

My brain has such a good way of reminding me of all the stuff wrong with me.  It would be easier to say reminding me of how little is right.   It likes to point out the numerous flaws, the many fantastic ways in which I have failed at life so far, and how it doesn't look like I'll be "winning" anytime soon. How my personality makes it so easy for people to walk away from me without a second passing thought, even if I'm over here dying inside.   It likes to point out that if I were to disappear right now... not very many people would notice or care.  It really likes to throw that in my face.  That one is its favorite.

So, I sit here and fight with it.  I tell it to fuck off.  I tell it I don't care.  It continues to push buttons and I look like a lunatic to the AA (or NA, I'm not sure which) people across the street while they see me through my window having an argument with myself.  Because yes, I argue - out loud- with myself.  Both sides.   Sometimes I think that straight-jacket and that padded cell sound like such a nice retreat.

In the battle of me vs each day, today has definitely won.  I've not had a good day today.  Maybe it's just because I've been battling this stupid cold for two weeks now, and I'm getting worn down, but today got the best of me.  My mood is sour and I'm just reminded of how much I don't matter in the real gist of things.

People will ask one another: "What is your biggest fear?"

Well, outside of the obvious "losing a loved one", mine has always been being alone, with no one caring about me.  Being forgotten.  A footnote in the background. That I don't matter.

 However, I've actually been living my worst fear for awhile now.  It's a terrible feeling.  Gut wrenching.  I think that in all of the people I know, I can count on one hand how many people truly give something of a shit about me, and that's with fingers to spare.  That's also including my kids.    


I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad.  I'm not putting it out there to garner pity, or false attentions, or  even consolations that I am mistaken.  I am simply stating how I feel..

I continue to try.  I put myself out there.  I face each day.  I interact with people.  I try to forge relationships with people, even though I know I'm bad at it.  But fuck, I try.  I'm getting tired of trying, though.  I mean really, what's the fucking point?  I think maybe I should just make peace with the whole being alone thing.  I've already been forced to face the fear, so might as well cozy up to it and become pals.  It's obviously not going anywhere anytime soon.