~A Bitter Swallow~

Yes- I admit it. I'm one of those people who needs one of those little pills to keep me happy. At least keep me sane. And, mine are not little- they're big capsules. Big red lifesavers. No- they don't taste like the candy lifesavers, but I'm pretty sure they've saved the lives of some of my loved ones somedays.

At first, I started to think that they weren't really working. Then it dawned on me that since I was only remembering to take them every couple days, that I probably wasn't really giving them much of a real shot. So I switched my time frame to an easier time for me to remember. Well, I still didn't see much of a result. I wasn't bouncing off the walls full of energy like I expected (that is what happened to me the previous time I was on them). So I'm thinking that they aren't really worth the $5 I'm spending every three months on them. (Luckily, the company agrees that there is no way I could afford them otherwise, so is helping me out). This is, until a couple days goes by and I haven't taken them. Then all hell breaks loose. I'm like a raging lunatic monster on PMS- without the actual PMS. My kids and boyfriend practically literally hide from me. They are afraid to move or speak. Every action on their part is met with a crouching, watching look at me to gauge whether I can see them, and if I am going to come apart at the seams or not over it.

Really-- I'm horrible. It's scary.

So, I am now wondering whether this is due to actual workings of the medication, or psychological gamma rays. Is my horrible attitude when not taking it due to withdrawls? Or is it actually the way my brain will continue to work should I not take it. I don't like taking it. It makes me feel - dirty- even with it's positive effects on me. I'm trying to go to a more natural state of health, and taking this makes me feel like cheating. Oddly enough, my birth control pills do not.

I guess we'll see how it goes, and what I decide to do. It's not like it's breaking my checkbook, which is another big factor I will have to keep in mind. The alternative will be much more expensive. Either by natural products, or funeral and jail costs.... /eeps!