~A Bitter Swallow~

 

Wow... so, 2023 eh? It's been a minute since I've been here, hasn't it? Yeah, well.... get over it.

There's quite a bit that's been rolling around in my head that I wanted to write about today. I'm not quite sure yet whether this will all go into one blog, or if I will break it into two separate posts. I'm not even sure I will write about all of it here. I suppose it will depend on how much my brain vomits out through my fingertips as I sit here and contemplate all these ideas swirling in my noggin' here. 

2022 closed out on an unexpected but pleasant note. Our power went out at around 9:00am due to a vehicle accident that took down a power pole. I spent the daylight hours going through my kitchen cupboards; removing items no longer wanted, discarding expired items, and then reorganizing and rearranging everything. There is still a little bit left to do in that area, but I'm waiting on some items to arrive to make sure it will all fit how I want it to. The rest of the daylight hours I spent with my blanket and my book until I realized that food was probably something that should happen. After taking my daughter to get something to eat, browsing the store to waste time, and running into some friends I dropped her off at her boyfriend's house. I came home to a dark house with the power still very much out. So, I lit a shit-ton of candles, opened a bottle of wine, grabbed a glass and my book, and settled in on the couch under my blanket for a couple of hours. Eventually I got up and grabbed my tarot cards to do a new year's reading, which was direct but positive. The power came back on around 9:00/9:30pm, but I didn't bother going and turning the lights back on. I was quite content with where I was. After the tarot reading I returned to my book. It was a pleasantly quiet, calm way to say goodbye to 2022 and enter 2023.

It was also a brilliant entrance into the theme I chose to focus on for this year, which is hygge. For those of you who are unfamiliar:

It's a feeling that pulls at me, so I want to embrace it. I want to strive for it. So, it's what I'm going to have be my over-arching theme be.

This is also the time when we're all supposed to be making all of our grand New Year Resolutions, right? All of the good-for-us things that we are going to do this year that will change us for the better. Mmm-hmm

We all know that new year resolutions are just glorified to-do lists for like the first two weeks of January. Then they just become these big gapping black holes that cause us shame and self-loathing for the rest of the year, and then on the 1st of the next year we go "This is the year it happens! This is going to be my year!" Don't do that. Shit like 2020 happens when you do that. I mean, you don't have to think I'm talking from personal experience buuuuttt…

Over the past few years I've moved away from resolutions and more towards just trying to set more realistic goals. So instead of the big brother who you have the high expectations for (resolutions), it's the younger sibling who you still expect to do well, but you've learned a little bit from your previous experience in parenting (goals). You know- instead of boiling the binky because it touched the floor you just mopped for half a second, you stick it in your mouth and then plop it back in theirs.

Yeah, that hasn't been working all that great for me either. I kind of suck at this. LOL The scary part is- I have raised two kids to adulthood.

I'm pretty sure I've discussed this before, but I've come to realize that setting goals (or resolutions) for myself is basically like telling myself "You Have To". So I promptly turn around and do exactly NOT that. I don't know what my problem is. I have issues with authority. I don't know what to tell ya.

Then I came across this nugget yesterday while scrolling through Facebook, and bells and whistles started ringing through my head. Okay, some of that may have been from my meds being adjusted, and the fact that I hadn't eaten all day- but we aren't here to discuss that today. 

Look- I don't have to DO anything. I just have to BE. And quite frankly, all of the doing has just been exhausting. I like the idea of a year where I can just take the time off from all of that trying to do, and simply just be. It's no longer the older sibling or the younger sibling. It's pretty much just a bunch of free range chickens out doing their own thing and living their best life. Sounds pretty damn nice to me. It also sounds like it fits right nicely into my whole hygge theme.

So there you have it.  My plan for 2023:  Hygge and free range chickens.

2011 has been one hell of a year for me.  It was not altogether nice.  Between my son telling me he was hearing voices, my daughter going blind and fainting in the shower- causing a 911 call, my own issues with my kidneys,  some pretty serious fights with my boyfriend, and having to go back on state aid- I've had about more stress than I can handle.  It has affected my health.  It's affected my job.  It's affected my overall general state of mind. 

BUT, fortunately I can say that all but one of those has fixed themselves.  We are still having to use state aid to get by, but my son, my daughter, myself, and my relationship with my boyfriend are all fine and going strong.  I am thankful for that. 

I don't feel like I got very much accomplished this past year.  A lot of wants.  A lot of ideas.  A lot of talk.  No doing.  That is the one thing I hope to change with the new year.  More doing.  Like the Home Depot commercials say.  Yeah-  I want that to be me.

Along with doing, I want to simplify.  This is where I hope having to go on state aid helps.  By giving me a kick in the pants and forcing me to stop and reevaluate my surroundings.  Where can I cut back.  Where can I do-it-myself?  What can I do to make my life simpler, healthier, and more satisfying?  How can I do this in a way that will be self-sufficient?  How will it help the environment around me?  Etc etc etc.

I'm planning on really digging in and get my hands dirty this year.  Literally.  I'm going to make that garden bed out there flourish.  I want to build a compost system so I can make use of all those leftovers that make my stomach squirm every time I throw them in the garbage.  I want to plant fruits and veggies so that I can have fresh, healthy food for my family.  Eventually I'd like to get a chicken coop built so I can have a few chickens, too. 

I plan on cooking more at home. With limited funds with which to spend going out, or on frivolous food, we will be forced to sit down and actually think about what we want to eat. We will be more apt to plan menus and actually shop for and prepare what is on them. By doing so, I hope to eat more health-conscious. I am a bit worried about this part, because I've noticed that it seems the more healthy a food- the more expensive it is. But by preparing our meals at home, and utilizing what I'm able to grow in the garden, I hope to have a better idea and control of what I am actually putting into our bodies.

 I want to work on crafting.  I want to make it more of a priority in my day-to-day life.  I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to get in and nab that table/desk down at the Goodwill to turn into a sewing station.  I already have a few beginner-type projects in mind that, if they turn out right, will become gifts for a pregnant friend of mine.  (Ssshhh... she doesn't know!).   My daughter has gotten very into crafting lately, so I'm hoping that her drive helps push me along, too.  If I am focusing on helping her achieve her goals, then I will help mine by helping her.  =)  Win-win. 

With this in mind, I sat down and compiled a short list of my goals for 2012.  These are not resolutions.  I always fail at those.  They are just goals I've set, and I hope to have them all finished by this time next year. 

1.  Build that composter system.
2.  Finish writing Bone & Silver.
3.  Blog on each of my websites at least once a week.
4.  Do some sort of craft once a week.  Even if it's working on an ongoing project-  do something!
5.  Visit Mount Saint Helens with the kids.
6.  Visit Mount Rainier with the kids.
7.  Start using my sewing machine.
8.  Make my own soap.
9.  Learn to knit &/or crochet.
10. Cook and eat at home most of the time.
11. Eat less processed food.
12. Grow my garden and eat it!

So, new year, new list of things to strive towards, right? I try not to set resolutions that are unattainable, or too stressful. Instead, I try and give myself reasonable goals to work towards throughout the year. A check-list to focus my attention and energies towards. This is my goal list for 2011:

1. As always, write more. Utilize TLR for writing prompts and exercises, and Thaydra.com for my story projects. Really dig into my storylines and bring them out. But, on the whole, just write. Even if it's just blogging.

2. Join a dance class. Hopefully with Dustin and some other friends and family. We were recently talking about swing class, which is something I've been interested in learning already. Otherwise, getting back into bellydancing would be great, too.

3. Join the yoga class down the road. At least go drop in on some classes and check it out- see if it's something I want to do.

4. Plan and make meals ahead of time, so that dinner is quick and easy on those busy nights. I've been following Once A Month Mom and have been totally inspired to give this a shot. Especially since she's starting the healthier menu plans as well.

5. Go to the dentist.

Today my plans were to get out and finish digging that second garden bed. I started my morning (after getting back from dropping the kids at school) by going and doing my starts. I re-started my zucchini, lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, chives, and more I cannot remember off-hand. Then I took the crib side I found on the side of the road and started to spray paint it a bright, sunny yellow. I am going to use the parts of the crib as trellises for my peas, beans and cucumbers. I got the second bed all dug up. I cleaned up the porch and the carport. The house is vacuumed, and the laundry finished (with the exception of the load that is still drying). All of this accomplished by noon! I'm feeling rather good right now.

The sun is bright and warm. The air smells sweet and fresh. The music is loud and motivating. I ate some pot stickers with sesame oil and a glass of water or two. I am feeling very happy and alive. I cannot wait until every day is this nice outside! It really puts my spirits high.

I realized today that one or both of the dogs decided to eat my raspberry start. Grrr. That is alright though, because I am pretty sure it was already dead anyway. Now I will be more motivated to go get another. My rosemary is not looking very well, and I think where I put it is too shaded. More so than I thought it would be. I'm concerned whether or not it will survive another transplant. They are hardy creatures though, so I'm hopeful. I plan to buy some more to add around it anyway.

Now I need to get ready for my hefty walk. Hefty for me. I plan to walk down to the kids' school to pick them up. We all decided they would like to walk home from school today, since it is so beautiful out. Which means I first have to walk down there. It is about 2 miles, maybe a little more, one way. Too bad there is no sidewalk, else I'd love to take the pups!

I've never been a fan of the "New Year's Resolution". Sure, it seems fine- giving yourself one goal to accomplish by the year's end. However, people (at least myself) tend to set unrealistic goals, or goals that are too broad. And when the end of the year rolls around, and that goal has not been achieved, you leave that year with a sense of failure.

That said, I am still a fan of using the mark of a new year as a chance to put behind us all the negativity of the past year, and to look forward with bright eyes and a hopeful heart. I relish it as a time of renewal- not just of the year, but of the self.

An esteemed collegue of mine blogged not of a single resolution, but of a variety of goals he would like to acheive over the course of 2009. I thought it was a grand idea, and have adopted it for myself. How much more accomplished it will feel to look at what I was able to check off, rather than woe on what I never did.

So here I go, with a list of 25 Things I'd Like to Accomplish in 2009.


1. Write more. I keep saying this, yet don't do it. It would be easier if I had someone to keep me accountable for it, but the only person I have is myself, so I have to be firm with myself and make sure I do it. I want to write daily, but even every other would suffice to quell that screaming demon in my head.

2. Read more. You would think that working at a library, this one would be a cinch. Problem is, I tend to bring home books on crafts, or for my kids. I don't really bring home actual stories for myself, and when I do, I don't take the time out of my day to devote to them. Perhaps a scheduled time for the entire family to turn off all the t.v.'s and computers and use the time to read is in order.

3. Learn how to use my sewing machine- without breaking it. It seems that every time I turn it on, it breaks somehow. Maybe I just need one that likes me.

4. Expand my vocabulary. I feel like I'm in a vocab rut, using the same words over and over. I've signed up to 3 different word-a-day feeds to assist with this one.

5. Find some new parks. The ones I know of in the area have become dull to me, and even my kids. Time to move on to new and fresh.

6. Spend more time outdoors. With the garden on it's way, and an actual yard to play in, that will be much more feasible than before.

7. Go camping. I cannot remember the last time I went, and I miss it.

8. Start actually doing all those crafts I bought all the supplies for.

9. Cook in more- eat out less. We spend way too much money on going out to eat. I've decided to start planning my dinners for the week ahead, and be prepared with everything on hand. I'm also striving to be more realistic in planning my meals with our schedules in mind.

10. Eat healthier. That will be easier when added to the whole "eat-in" aspect as well. Plus, once the garden comes in, it will be easier to get those veggies in us!

11. Exercise more! I got a Wii and Wii Fit for Christmas. I've been using it. Who knew a video game could wear me out so much!?

12. Plant my garden, and keep it tended. There ya go.. one that ties in to many of my other ones! I'm actually really excited about this one.

13. Go out with my family at least once a month. By family, I mean my brother and sisters, and mom and dad. We don't spend as much time together as we use to since I quit partying. I need to have them for dinner, or whatever. I'd also like to start implementing monthly dinners/nights out with my friends.

14. Plan and implement more family activites. We tend to be one of those families who sits at home and veg on the computer. I don't want to do that anymore.

15. Enroll my son (and possibly daughter) in karate.

16. Enroll my daughter (and possibly son) in some kind of art class (dance, painting, choir, guitar, etc).

17. Sing more! I need to stop caring that I sound horrible and do it anyway, because I love to!

18. Attend some concerts. I love going to see live music. It doesn't have to be the huge production concerts (although I want to make it to some of them too), but even supporting the local music scene!

19. Get the animals to the vet.

20. Get the kids thier orthodontic work done. Especially my son, before he's too old.

21. Recycle more, and do more to help the enviornment. I thought about doing one of those adopt-a-street/stream/etc. things. I'd also like to get the kids involved in this.

22. Obtain medical insurance. I need to feel ok with going to the doctor if I need to.

23. Meet my neighbors. Maybe I'll plan a neighborhood summertime BBQ.

24. Drink more water.

25. Get a membership to the zoo/aquarium/etc and actually USE it thorughout the year. Even if I just go myself and work on photography.


Ok, so that is what I have so far. I am hoping to add to it, because the more visible my goals are, the better I am at it. And the more I have, the more I can get done, and the better sense of accomplishment I will feel.

**Update**
I've thought of a couple more things to do

- Sign the kids up as volunteers for the library
- Stop biting my nails
- Go greener. I want to try making my own cleansing products, as well as some of our own personal sanitary products- like shampoo and lotion, etc.

Ok... so I keep hearing that if you truly want to be a writer, you need to write a little each and every day. So, I guess I should do that. I figured I don't blog enough anyways, so that will be a good place for me to start.

I've been slowly working on a story. If you visit my personal website (link to it is on the right, under "my other little place...") then you might have already read a bit of it. But it is a work in progress, and I keep adding and changing it. I am writing the pieces that come to me, so there will be various snippets of the story on there. Some are public, and some are still private, as I tweek them to where I am happy enough with them to share.

I have been finding plenty of writing ideas, but some of them just don't have the story to back them. So those I file away under my idea folder, and hold on to them until a fitting storyline comes along that fits it. I am trying not to get carried away with having too many going on at once, since I already have 3 that I've been working with, and they are so slow in moving along. Most of that is my own fault though, because I just don't sit down and DO it. Much of that has to do with the fact that I now have to use the desktop to write, and my eyes are horrible. I cannot read half of what I've written. So, if there are any misspellings or grammatical/ puncuation errors... please forgive my blind eyesight... Thank the techy gods who developed spell-check. Now if I could only remember to acutally use it!

One of my co-workers- Leah- turned me on to a website for writers and aspiring writers. It's Writer's Digest . It's a neat little site that gives you tips, suggestions, and even little competitions where you can write little stories and submit them. I think it's a neat little spot, and will have to add it to my favorites, as I see myself frequenting it quite a bit. :)

Anyways, that is all I have for now. I am going to make it a goal to write at least something on one of my blogs each and every day. So wish me luck!