~A Bitter Swallow~

Today is New Year's Eve. We don't have anything big planned. New Year's is not really a big deal for me, as I view the start of the new year in Spring. However, we are having a couple of the kids' friends over. Maybe we'll start a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmellows and smores. Pop in a movie or two, play some Playstation and/or Wii games. I prefer the mellow, stay indoors and hang night for New Years. Start the year simple and maybe it will stay that way?

I hope all of you have a grand time tonight, no matter how you choose to spend it. And if it didn't go how you would have chosen, I hope it turned out better than you would have gotten. Stay happy. Stay safe.

Christmas has come and gone. It passed in a flurry this year, mixed within the whirlwind and chaos of moving and unpacking. The Wednesday prior to Christmas Day, Dustin and I drove down to Oregon to visit with his family. I had been scheduled to work until 8pm that evening, and we were dreading having to make that 6-hour drive through the mountain passes during the darkest hours of night. However, I awoke Wednesday to a, let's just say "less-than-agreeable" stomach. Enough so, that I had to call in sick. Dustin was at work when I decided to call out for the day. When I let him know what was going on, he was thrilled. Yes, I said he was thrilled that I was ill. But only because that meant we could leave early. So, I got the kids up and ready, we dropped them off, and headed out.

When we were almost there, we hit a deer. Poor thing. A family of them were right in the middle of the road when we came around the corner. There was ice on the road, and nothing Dustin could do, other than slam us into the hill on the left, or off the ridge on the right. It died quickly, at least. A car that came by shortly afterwards made sure we were aware that in that state, you could keep what you hit. We were pretty sure they were going to claim it for themselves, but it was still there the next day, according to Dustin's sister.

We got to his family's house around 8pm. While I was feeling craptastic, I was still okay enough to be able to hang out and chitchat. The town was a bit on the cold-shoulder side this time around, but we were there for his family, and they were great as always, and that is what counts.

Friday morning we headed home, and made good time. No deer were hit in the driving of this route, but I did get to drive through the passes in the snow. That was nerve-wracking!

We picked the kids up, and we spent Christmas morning at home. Then we made the rounds playing Santa and dropping off gifts to various friends. That afternoon/evening we spent with my family. My kids made out like bandits, as they always do. This coming Saturday (New Years Day) I plan to take them shopping so they can go spend their loot.

Now it's back to reality as usual. I've come to the conclusion that the two most stressful months of the year for me are November and January. November, when it dawns on me that Christmas is just around the corner, and I haven't even thought about shopping yet, and January when it dawns on me just how much money I blew through in December! I suppose I should start setting up a Nov/Jan fund, to relieve some of that stress? LOL

We've moved! As of the 1st of this month we are renting a new place. You have no idea how excited I am about that, or how dreadfully stressed out I've been during that (and during.. since it's still going on.. kind of). We moved into a place that, square-footage wise, is about as big as where we were. But, the space is more compact, and it is much more cozy. It is right smack downtown.. about a block from where I work. It literally takes me about 2 minutes to walk to work! How cool is that? Both buses (for both of the kids) stop right outside the front door. How cool is that?? It has it's down side, like every place will. There is no yard, so letting the dog out to go potty is an actual walk. There is no parking really, except for out on the street, which is only 4 hour parking during the weekdays. We've already gotten a ticket because neither of us took the car anywhere during that time.. and forgot about the parking time. It is also the detour route when they close the main thoroughway for events. We've also already experienced that. That was interesting.

For the most part though, it is great. Our landlord is a friend and former co-worker of mine. That makes things a bit more comfortable. I am still in the process of unpacking. Due to limited space (the landlord is still currently using the basement, where I had planned on storing most of the unpacked stuff), unpacking is a chore. Trying to figure out where to put everything is turning into one pain in my hiney! I am hoping to get unpacked enough to be able to decorate for Christmas and get our tree this coming weekend. At the rate I've been going, though, I'll be lucky to have it done by New Years!

I will have to get some pictures and post them soon. You can all applaud now!

Last Monday, the household was jolted by a sudden scare. My daughter, who is currently 10 (and 1/2!) years old, was taking her morning shower. I was in bed, the boys (my boyfriend and 13 year old son) were up, poking around on the computer while waiting to go to school or work. My daughter had just gotten into the shower. She squeaked. Dustin (boyfriend) got up to go check to make sure everything was okay. She doesn't squeak when she is startled or scared. He knocked, asked if all was well, she laughed and said she was fine, he went back to what he was doing.

Then, a few moments later, she started complaining of an upset stomach. Now, mind you, my bedroom is on the other side of the wall from the bathroom- my bedroom door right next to the bathroom door. This complaining caught my attention, because she was actually calling for Dustin's assistance while she was still in the shower . This isn't something she does, even when it's me she is talking to. He went back to the door, she complained it was getting bad, so he opened our bedroom door, stuck his head in to tell me I should go talk to her, I nodded, already pulling the covers off of me. While this exchange was going on though, she started yelling "I see black! All I can see is black!" I jumped up and ran into the bathroom. My 10-year old daughter was blind. 100% blind. Her eyes were vacant and staring, her arms groping around her to stablize herself. I began asking her questions- what was she feeling, seeing, etc.. while trying to move her to me. She was answering me coherantly, at first, but her body went really rigid, and her voice began to trail. I felt like I was trying to move a big doll. It was horrifying. Then, she just fell on me.. still rigid, but not moving.

I screamed for Dustin to come get her. I couldn't hold her, and I didn't want to drop her half in and half out of the shower like that. He came in and grabbed her while I ran and called 911. I was still giving the operator our address when Dustin began yelling that she was back- she was here with us. I relayed as much information to the dispatcher as I could, and then she let me go back to my daughter, since she was awake and "normal".

The fire department soon arrived. By now my daughter was fully dressed, and a bit embarrassed. I had asked her what happened, and she told me it all started pretty stupidly, and she felt it silly and unimportant. Apparently, she had just woken up, groggy, no water, etc... She stepped into the shower, and as her hair slid down her shoulder, that still-half-asleep state of her brain thought it was a spider, and when she looked, that brain thought it was a tarantula sized spider. On her arm. Next to her face. This is what had caused the squeak before it all. It all happened in a split second, and she immediately knew it was her hair. I told her it was not at all stupid, and that it actually relieved me that there was something that could be considered a trigger- that all of this did not just happen out of the blue.

Turns out, it was very important. The fire department and paramedics said they thought it was most likely something called "vasovagal syncope". They referred us to the hospital in Silverdale to make sure. The EMTs were very sweet. They treated my daughter very professionally and made her feel comfortable, which I was worried about, being she was so embarrassed about the spider incident. They explained to her how important it was, and how great it was, that she remembered and told about it, because the sudden severe startlement set off a reaction in her brain that caused her to pass out.

The hospital agreed with their assessement. This article explains it pretty well. I took this straight from About.com. I highlighted the part that particulary pertains to her:

Read article here

"Anyone can have vasovagal syncope given an adequate triggering event, but many people are particularly prone to these episodes, and often with relatively mild triggers. These individuals tend to relate histories of syncope dating back to adolescence, and frequently will describe several different of triggering events. While, as noted, there are scores of possible triggering events for vasovagal syncope, some are quite characteristic and almost always point to vasovagal syncope. Syncope occurring after urinating, defecating, coughing or swallowing, or syncope associated with pain, fright, the sight of blood, or other noxious stimuli, is almost always vasovagal.

In these and other ways, vasovagal syncope tends to be highly situational. It is more likely to occur after a viral illness, after exercise, after a warm shower, or early in the morning – any time that relative dehydration is present, and dilation of the blood vessels in the legs would be more likely to produce a significant drop in blood pressure. Furthermore, vasovagal syncope is often preceded by a few seconds or a few minutes of warning symptoms. Often, these symptoms include lightheadedness, ringing in the ears, visual disturbances, sweating and/or nausea. Because of such “warning symptoms,” people who have had one or two episodes of syncope are frequently able to tell when an event is about to occur. And importantly, if they recognize the warning symptoms, they are able to abort the blackout simply by lying down and elevating the legs. (“Aborting” syncope is not possible with most other forms of syncope.)"

We've had a couple of wind storms the past few days. I love windstorms. Not just breezy weather, but the slamming the doors and knocking down tree limbs wind storms. There is just something so exhilerating about them. It's like Nature's broom. Just getting rid of all the debris (well, metaphorically speaking, since, there is usually more debris out there once it's over!). I especially love it when there is a rain storm that comes along with the winds. The buddy system is a wonderful thing, you know. Even more so when you come in to wash clean the earth.

Outside just smells so much better during and after the storm. That deep, earthy watery smell. So organic (can't get much more organic, can ya?). And the feel in the air is electric. Foreboding and exciting all at the same time. Premonitory, but fascinating. There is nothing quite so nice as curling up with a good book on the couch, wrapped in a nice, warm blanket, and listening to the wind howl and the rain pound the rooftops and windows outside. Particullarly if you have a cup of hot tea or cocoa on the table beside you.

On a seperate note, I think my boyfriend is coming down with the flu. Just when he got called back to work at Nuprecon, too. Horrible timing, though he's gone anyway. Except for today. He wasn't scheduled for today. Good thing, because I really think he needs to stay home, relax, and eat something other than chips and dip!!

I wonder if this means the kids and I are going to get sick as well. Probably. Oh joy. Right in time for moving. Maybe we'll get lucky and it won't see us...

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. Naughty me. It's not for lack of content. Just lack of content that I feel is suitable for this blog. I am trying to keep this one as negativity-free as I can. I have other blogs for that crap. I don't want everyone to get the impression that I am this overly-sensitive, negative, pessimistic, end-of-the-world-oh-woe-is-me person. Okay, maybe I am, but at least here I can fake that I'm not. A little.

In all honesty, I think I need to have a place where I focus on the POSITIVE things in my life. I have the space for purging myself of all that I hate and find wrong with humanity and existence in general. Here, I want to start keeping the focus on what is right and gorgeous and makes life worth living. Here I want to be able to remember that there is so much beauty, and honesty, and all that gushy-romantic stuff in this world. So, we'll focus on that.

So, let's get to it. There have been some wondrous things happening. To start with, I notice I have a couple more followers of this blog. I don't know how that happened, but there you are. Thanks for thinking I'm worth listening to!

Okay, the exciting news for those of you who don't already know- I'm moving!



Finally. And it's all rushy rushy hurry hurry. A little overwhelming, but in a good way. A former coworker of mine is renting his house out while he moves onward and forward into bigger and better things. So, I jumped at the chance. It's in the perfect location. Right downtown. I can walk to work. The kids' bus stop is right out front. In fact, it is the same bus stop my son uses when he comes to the library after school instead of home. Now, the kids will be in town, where they can walk to their friend's houses, walk to and from the library as they want, near the park, etc. etc. It is also in a walker-friendly area, so I can start going on walks around town, and actually have sidewalks to walk on. Oh, and it's downtown (did I mention it's downtown?), so I can just mosey on down to the shops and such when I am bored.

It only has one bathroom, which will be a change. That will be the hardest thing to get use to, I think. But, we will manage. All of the perks totally out way the issue of waiting in line for the potty.

The whirlwindedness of it all is that my buddy won't be moved out until Thanksgiving weekend, and we have to be completely and totally out of our current place by December 1st. That includes that final clean-up. We have gotten a storage unit to use to move all of the non-essentials into in the meantime. I've spent the past week or so packing, and we've started moving those boxes into that unit. Then, when we are able, we can spend the day moving all of our need-it-now items (bed, food, toilet paper and some clothes) over to the new place (don't forget computers, tv and couch!). Then, once the old place is clean, I can begin moving all of the items from storage at my own pace, and not stress as much.

Pretty cool, eh? I'm thinking so.

So, that's my news for now. It's been so long, that I don't remember what all has happened since I last wrote. And I don't feel like going back over the timeline at this exact moment. Maybe later. I do need to start making more time for blogging. It's good for the soul.

It's been an interesting week. Last Saturday I went on a hike with my daughter and her class. She is in a intermediate-mixed age (IMA) class. In other words, it's a 4th and 5th grade mix. There are about 60ish students in her class, as well as 2 teachers. The 4th graders will have the same class next year as 5th graders. This year, my daughter is one of the 5th graders. They make certain 5th graders "leaders" of groups. "Leaders" are composed of students who have shown skills throughout their 4th grade year. In celebration and honor of being chosen leader, the teachers took all of the leaders and their parents on a hike. I was thinking it would be a relatively easy hike, considering they were taking a bunch of 10-year olds. I was sorely mistaken (no pun intended... read on). They chose Mt. Townsend (see some info here: http://www.wta.org/go-hiking/hikes/mount-townsend ). This is an 8-mile round trip trail going up the side of the mountain in the Olympics. It is much steeper than I anticipated. I did not make it to the top. I got about half a mile (they said roughly 7 minutes) from the summit, when my left calf decide to have painful spasms on me, and would not stop. The view from where I was left was still stunning, though. Seattle looked so unbelievably tiny. It reminded me of a little Leggo town. My daughter was able to make it to the summit with the rest of the trail-headers, and they got to have lunch up there. It was horribly windy, though, and the wind was bitterly cold.

The killer, though, was the walk down. Had I had any sense in my head, I would have had second thoughts about the shoes I wore. Seeing as I have no other pair of shoes, save heeled boots and high heels, the shoes I wore were not something I stopped to consider, much to the disadvantage of my poor ankles. I have a pair of those Sketchers Shape-Ups. They were fine going up (but may have accounted for my failure to reach the top), but on the way down... a whole other ballgame. Think about it: These shoes are designed to throw you off balance. That's how they work. Add to that a steep incline, legs that are already wobbley from the climb up, and it was a recipie for disaster. I twisted first my left foot under me, resulting in a faceplant. Then a little bit later, I twisted my right foot under me, resulting in yet another almost faceplant, which was stopped by a big tree. By now, my walking is pretty dire. I twisted them really good. I twisted the right one yet again further down. It scared the poop out of my daughter. (Thankfully, not literally, although I did have the foresight to bring toilet paper, which was a hit with some of the other hikers!) My daughter's teacher found me a big fallen tree branch, which I was able to use as a walking stick / crutch for the rest of the way down (which was approximately a mile). I made it, painfully. But, I got down without having to be carried.

The whole thing left me feeling pretty down about myself though. I was the one who held up the teacher on the way up. Then, it was me who held them up on the way down. I felt fat, and worthless. I felt like a burden, and that everyone was wondering what I was even doing there. Hell, I was wondering what I was doing there. It took every ounce of willpower not to let myself cry while making it down that mountain. I didn't want my daughter to see it. Not how much pain I was really in, physically or mentally.

I had to take Monday off of work, because I couldn't walk. Tuesday and Wednesday I was able to come in, but both days saw me in some serious pain by the time I got home. It's now to the point where it's almost healed. It feels now like I spent 10 hours walking on concrete in high heels. That dull, achy feeling in my feet. And I'm still sporting the bruises on the insides of my feet.

This past week I've also been having to get my house organized and cleaned up. My birthday is on Wednesday, so we're having my birthday party this next Saturday. When looking at the guest list, we have a potential 50-60 people coming over, and it's suppose to be wet outside, so it will all be indoors! Wowza! So, I've been rearranging, cleaning, organizing, cleaning, etc. All while trying to work around not having a stove. Which reminds me, I need to remind everyone not to bring food that needs the stove.. because I don't have one.

So, that's been my week. There's been more, but I can't think of it at the moment.

I took the following from the Habitat for Humanity website. I thought it a great idea, and a worthy cause to keep in mind.


The United Nations has designated the first Monday in October as annual World Habitat Day. World Habitat Day 2010 will be held on October 4.

The purpose
World Habitat Day’s purpose is to call attention to the current global state of the human habitat and push toward adequate housing for all.

We hope that by raising awareness and advocating for universal decent housing we can dismantle and alter the systems that reinforce and entrench poverty housing. In doing so, we can make an affordable, decent place to live a reality for all.

World Habitat Day is a day for grassroots action and a day for people to be united in their efforts to eradicate poverty housing.

Get involved Oct. 4–9, 2010
Habitat for Humanity organizations around the world, in partnership with others, plan World Habitat Day events focused on education, advocacy and fundraising. This year, the focus issues for these efforts are health and housing internationally and neighborhood revitalization in the United States.

The 27th Carter Work Project will spearhead World Habitat Day events in six U.S. cities Oct. 3–8. Volunteers will join in building and rehabilitating houses with Habitat homeowner families, former President Carter and Mrs. Carter and other celebrities.

This year, the Carter Work Project will be held in Washington, D.C.; Baltimore and Annapolis, Maryland; Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minnesota; and Birmingham, Alabama.

To learn more- go to thier website at: http://www.habitat.org/gov/take_action/world_habitat_day.aspx

The bills for my mole removal have been arriving in the mail. It's now sitting at about $500. That is only for two of them. If you know me, you know that I have about eleventy-billion moles on my body. Each one of them suceptible to becoming precancerous. I hope no more of them show signs. I can't afford it. I mean, I'm grateful those two were caught and removed, because they did come back showing signs of progression into cancer, but man- at $250 a pop (and that's with insurance), I just can't do it.

On a lighter note, my son had another karate tournament last weekend. This time, he was bumped up into the next section- put in with boys of colored belts, ages 13 to 15. My son is 13, so now he is at the bottom of the age pool. Also, these are kids from schools who are pretty into kicking butt. I was scared. Like- really scared. Oh- they also put him in the "advanced" section.. did I happen to mention that? Out of 12 kids- he got 4th place in sparring! Isn't that freakin' awesomesauce?? And, he only took one kick (the first) to his chest, that knocked him out of breath. After that, he was just fine. He can definitely show off that medal with pride! Oh, and his dad made it to that tournament, so I think that really made him feel good, too.

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like, but I have been writing. Little moments of 15 minutes, 30 minutes, my hour long lunch. But I figure if I keep at it, eventually I'll hit that groove again, and those 15 minutes will turn into 3 hours! It's mucking through this awkward part.. I just need to get through this!

My stove is officially busted. Officially busted beyond our ability to repair. Apparently the mouse decided that stove wiring was a tasty treat. Now we have exposed wires, that we are relatively certain water got into. Nice, eh? So now we have to contact the landlord and have him come out. It sucks. I hate dealing with the landlord. But, I really, really want my kitchen back, and most definitly my stove! I never realized how much I depend on it, until I didn't have it. I've been experiencing a lot of that lately. Maybe it's trying to help me be happy for what I have? Who knows. I just know I want to reclaim my kitchen!

I got to take a First Aide/ CPR class yesterday. It was fun. I learned stuff I didn't learn last time, and now I'm all certifiable and stuff. It had some gorey pictures, which was fun watching every one squirm and try not to loose thier lunches. And, it was relieving to find that I had no problem with performing CPR correctly on infants and children. It was interesting to note that I had a rather difficult time on adults, though. So, something to keep in mind. Don't require CPR around me. I'll fail! Unless you are small.

Presidential Proclamation--Childhood Cancer Awareness Month


Remember the children! September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month! Spread the word, take a moment to read some info (links on the right), and lets beat this thing!

- - - - - - -

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

Each year, thousands of children face the battle against cancer with inspiring hope and incredible bravery. When a child is diagnosed with cancer, an entire family and community are affected. The devotion of parents, grandparents, loved ones, and friends creates a treasured network of support for these courageous children. During National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, we honor the young lives taken too soon and the survivors who face chronic health challenges, we celebrate the progress made in treatment and recovery, and we rededicate ourselves to fighting this disease so all children may have the chance to live a full and healthy life.

While survival rates for many childhood cancers have risen sharply over the past few decades, cancer is still the leading cause of death by disease for young Americans between infancy and age 15. Too many families have been touched by cancer and its consequences, and we must work together to control, and ultimately defeat, this destructive disease. I invite all Americans to visit Cancer.gov for more information and resources about the symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment of childhood cancers.

Tragically, the causes of cancer in children are largely unknown. Until these illnesses can be cured, my Administration will continue to support investments in research and treatment. The National Cancer Institute, the Federal Government's principal agency for cancer research, is supporting national and international studies examining the risk factors and possible causes of childhood cancers.

The health reforms included in the landmark Affordable Care Act advance critical protections for individuals facing cancer. Provisions in the law prohibit insurance companies from limiting or denying coverage to individuals participating in clinical trials, the cornerstone of cancer research. After recovering from cancer, children can no longer be denied insurance coverage due to a pre-existing condition. It also requires all new plans to provide preventive services without charging copayments, deductibles, or coinsurance, increasing access to regular checkups that can help detect and treat childhood cancers earlier. The Affordable Care Act eliminates annual and lifetime caps on insurance coverage and prohibits companies from dropping coverage if someone gets sick, giving patients and families the peace of mind that their insurance will cover the procedures their doctors recommend.

This month, we pay tribute to the health-care professionals, researchers, private philanthropies, social support organizations, and parent advocacy groups who work together to provide hope and help to families and find cures for childhood cancers. Together, we will carry on their work toward a future in which cancer no longer threatens the lives of our Nation's children.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim September 2010 as National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I also encourage all Americans to join me in recognizing and reaffirming our commitment to fighting childhood cancer.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this
tenth day of September, in the year of our Lord two thousand ten, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.

BARACK OBAMA

It's been a long week. I was sick Tuesday through Thursday with some weird headachy-stomach thing. I noticed the headache as I was driving home from work Monday evening. By Tuesday, it had gotten pretty bad, and then on the drive to work that morning, my stomach decided to do jumping jacks. I wound up having to leave work early and go home. I slept most of that day, then that evening, since sleep seemed to have made it worse, Dustin took me out to eat and walk a bit. That may sound counter-productive, but in my case it usually helps, and it did. Wednesday I only had to work a half-day, since I had worked at the Back To School Celebration the previous Saturday. It was the longest 4&1/2 hours I've ever worked. My head was pounding, and at one point I almost threw up right into the book bin. Thursday morning I thought I was going to be okay as I headed out to my meeting, but by the time I got home, my head and tummy were back at blows, each vieing to be the King Yukinator. By the time I went to bed I was near tears from pain and just plain sick of feeling ill.

Then Friday we went to the Kitsap County Fair.

That was actually quite nice. My stomach and head cooperated and in return I stayed mostly away from the fair food and rides. I went ballistic in the goat area. I love those little creatures! I think I embarrassed my kids by my outpouring of uncontrollable cute overload, squealing at each little adorable animal. My own animals (aka children) stayed on the other side of the building and avoided eye contact.

The same thing happened with the bunnies.

I totally want goats and bunnies now.

I think I could actually get away with goats, but I'm pretty sure my cat would think he had been such a good boy for killing all the mice that we brought him home a tasty treat as a reward.



In other news, my daughter has really gotten into crafting lately. She picked up a book that had a felted bag in it that she made. Her bag blew the book's bag away. Her's was so much cooler, and I'm not just saying that because I'm mom. It really did. So, now I'm making a Halloween one, and she is on a crafting kick. It's awesome. Like Dustin, my boyfriend, said: "Now we're trying to kick her off the crafting books at 11pm to get her to go to bed instead of kicking her off the computer." It makes it a lot harder to enforce! She's spent about $40 of her own dollars on crafting supplies. It rocks socks that maybe one day she'll make!

Saturday we went out and did some family photos at the park. I think they turned out great. We still need to go down and do some at the studio, but so far I think I picked out about 6 or 7 from the park that I want printed. My kids are such little models sometimes! Most of the time they just run amuck. That's what kids do. =)

Maybe I'll post one on here!

Then the boys went to a movie while my daughter and I went (guess, guess) CRAFT shopping. Bet you couldn't guess. Dinner with friends, those friends giving us a bunch of books, going home...

Sunday I went and kept a gal-pal company for awhile, then home to work on my Halloween bag, housework, laundry, dinner and hanging out with the kids.

So, my week started off crappy but ended quite nicely.




Anyway... that's what's up.

There was a lady I saw today, that I just have to incorperate into my story. Of course, she probably won't appreciate her role, if she ever read it, but then again, maybe she would find the humor in it.

She had to have been 70 or 80 years old. She wore a beautiful gossamer-type skirt, all black and flowing. Something I would think to see in a ballroom type dance. She had on black tights, with a hint of shimmer, and some black sandals. Then, she had on a raggedy blue t-shirt. Her hair was buzzed short, white. Her nose was elongated and wide. Her mouth, lips thin and pursed, were drawn down into a sort of sneer. Her blue eyes were piercing and wide. I can imagine her with feathers pinned into her hair.

I want to make her one of the gals in the sanitarium where one of my main characters lives. A true, bona fide nutcase. But a fun one. She would be a fun one.

So, I've been looking at my blog, realizing that I've been very naughty about upkeep on it. I haven't posted in ages, even with stuff going on. It's hard to motivate myself to blog, when I can't even motivate myself to write!

Some things that have happened in my absence:

*My best friend and her son came up to visit from California! I've known her since I was 15 years old. That was a LOOOONNNGGG time ago! Okay, maybe not that long, but it sometimes feels like it. We went and visited a place called Wolf Haven. It was very cool. If you are in the area, it's worth a looksie. We did the whole Pike's Place Market in Seattle, and took the Monorail to the Seattle Center. But, other than that, we didn't do a whole lot. It was nice to just hang out and catch up and see what a great guy my godson has grown into!

*I finally got myself to the doctor. I found a new one who seems to be working out pretty well so far. While doing my normal checkup, he discovered a couple of moles he really didn't like the look of, so he had me schedule another appointment to come back and get them biopsied. It's a good thing I did, because both showed what they called "Neoplasm of uncertain behavior: skin". What they told me was that basically both moles came back showing signs of developing into cancer, so it's a damn good thing we removed them. Now I get to become OCD about checking my moles to make sure they aren't growing, or changing color, or whatnot. Fun times, eh?

* I think I need to go back to the doctor. The incision on my butt isn't doing too well. It's causing pain and problems. It's being a pain in the butt! (yuck yuck yuck). I don't want to go back, despite Dustin's insistence that I do. I'm being stubborn. I love that I found a new doctor that I like, but 3 times in one month already is enough!

*The weather is finally gorgeous here. I've been spending as much time as possible at the lake. The kids like it, I like it, and I even got some writing done due to it! Not nearly as much as I'd like to, but any amount is good mojo for me!

*My son entered another karate tournament, and came out 3rd in his katas and 1st in sparring for his division! I was so proud. And rather loud, judging by the judges dirty looks. I didn't care though. I was excited!

*That's all I can think of. I'll leave it at that for now, save this in a draft, and see if anything pops into my head in the next few little while.

Sometimes I just feel so unbelievably inadequate, no matter how hard I try to change it. Everything I do just seems to get screwed up in one fashion or another. Or it's not good enough.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I can get a new doctor that I actually feel comfortable talking to. Think I might look into mental health, as well. Check out what all my insurance will cover.

I'm thinking about cutting my hair. It's long, and it's heavy. But, it's also a big part of me. It's one of the things people immediately recognize and associate with me. I'm not talking about going and getting a trim. No, I'm thinking a few inches. That's right. I said few. As in, multiple. Like, to my armpits. I'll call it my armpit hair. It will make me giggle. We all know all is right with the world if I'm giggling. That, or it's about to all go to hell. Take your pick.

Today, I was sitting at the table in the staff room eating my lunch, when I noticed a van very slowly and carefully easing its way into one of the parking spots in the staff parking lot. This usually makes me fume, and I find it deliciously funny when they get parked behind, and then have to wait while the staff member who parked behind them gets a chance to run and get their keys so they can move. Today, however, after the young lady got out of the driver's seat and ran to the front of the building, I noticed someone still in the van. As I was reading something rather not-the-best-while-you're-eating, my mind was prone to wandering. I leaned forward to glare at this person in our highly-coveted parking spot, and noticed a great big "STUDENT DRIVER" sign plastered on the back of the van. The person in the passenger seat was her driving instructor. Way to go, Teach. Learn em' to park where they should and very well could get ticketed!

As for that book I was reading in above-mentioned scenario, I am starting to think there is something dreadfully wrong with me and my brain, when it comes to reading material. Especially since most reading material is read either A: while I'm eating, or B: right before I go to bed. I am drawn towards the outrageous and macabre, and always get to those real "juicy" spots right when I'm taking a bite. Right now, I'm reading "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers" by Mary Roach. It's, naturally, about dead bodies, and all the scientific stuff that's done to them. I just happened to be on the chapter about how, in great and food-descriptive detail, bodies decompose. It was awesome.

My big toe is driving me crazy. I think I have athlete's foot on it. It burns and hurts when I wear shoes. Just there on my poor big toe. Right up on top. I mean, I think it's there between the Big Toe and the Pointer Toe in that.. webbing there. But, that doesn't bother me so it doesn't really count. So, yeah. Just throwing that out there, because it's irritating me right now.

I just had a lady come in and get almost naggy irritated that we told her husband he could not check out books on her account because he was not an authorized user. "Well, we've always got them for the kids before...". I politely mentioned that on kid accounts, usually the parent is listed on there. For the adult cards, we can't just let any Joe off the street come in and say "I want to use So-and-So's account." Could you imagine? She finally was like.. "Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense." At least she got it. Sometimes they just go on being huffy.

My car blew up. But, then I found out just the water pump went out, and that doesn't sound nearly as fantastic and dramatic. However, it's a hell of a lot cheaper to fix. So, hopefully that happens this weekend. My best friend from California and her son are coming up next week, and I think it would be most fabulous if I did not have to have her rent a car while she's here.

Speaking of her coming up, I'm totally stoked. I don't know what all we're going to do, but I don't care. I can't wait to see her. It's been like... eleventy billion years or something close to that, since I've seen her. *Happy Dance*

Ok, I'm going to leave on the dancing note, because random sporatic dancing is just plain fun.

So, I've been wanting to start getting up earlier. I want to go back to needing less sleep- be once again one of those "late to bed, early to rise" people like I was. Stupid aging.
I digress.
Anyway... what I did not have in mind was waking at 3:30 this morning! *slap forehead*

I'm tired. I thought I was going to be sick by the time I left the house at 8:30am. By my break at 12:15, I was tired, but okay. Now, I'm doing much better than I anticipated. I'm curious as to whether that will all break down the moment I walk through the door at home, though. Bummer is, I can't go to sleep when I get home. Slacker me hasn't been on the treadmill since I don't remember, and no exercise since the Friday before this past one (so the 14th?). Bad, bad me. And I had vowed "no excuses" tonight. American Idol is on, so I have something to watch. Kids are gone, so I don't have that distraction. So... NO EXCUSES! Which means I need to drag my tired butt onto that treadmill for at least 30 minutes tonight.

Hey... I'll sleep good tonight, eh?

Thursday and Friday were absolutely beautiful days. The sun was up high, bright and wonderful. I love days like that- where the colors of the world are so crisp and clean. Sometimes, especially if looking at the skyline, I have to stop and marvel at how fake it looks. My daughter and I have both spoken about how many of the clouds look painted on, the shading behind seeming to pop them out from the backdrop. Or perhaps just paper cutouts, glued to an existing background. Gorgeous. It often absolutely takes my breath away.

Due to this grandiose beauty, I decided this past Thursday to make the 3-mile stroll up and down the hilly road to my daughter's school to pick her up. That morning, she had said she wanted to walk home with me, so I was expectant of a 6-mile round trip. Well, she had begun to feel ill, so we walked the half-mile or so up to the grocery store, bought her some allergy, sore throat, cough medicine, then had Dustin come pick us up and bring us home. Friday, I decided to make the trip again. This after I had spent the morning mowing our uneven, overgrown lawn. On the up slopes, I was pretty certain that my ankles were going to pop out of my shins. It was dreadfully painful. I made it, though. This time, however, there was no notion that she wanted to walk home. Dustin met us there, and drove us home.

Yesterday, Saturday, I could tell my body wasn't completely happy with all the exercise I had put it through over the course of the past couple days. Yet, I still drug myself through some chores, out to a BBQ at the park, up and down the mall doing some light shopping. We tried to go to Costco, but alas, they had already closed for the evening. I was unaware they closed so early on Saturdays! All the pain aside, though, I feel good about it. I pushed myself and got that exercise in there. I spent time outside marveling at the gorgeous world about me while I did it. I got some fresh air. And I have the self-satisfaction of accomplishing something.

I've decided that I want to make those two days of walking to the school part of my weekly repertoire. I think I may need to get myself a better pair of walking shoes, but it is such a nice walk, it only takes an hour of my time, and does so much for how I feel about myself.. it is more than worth it. Let's just hope the weather keeps in my favor!

You've all heard me moan and complain about my weight. Today, I stepped on the scale and groaned inwardly (okay.. maybe a bit (lot) outwardly as well) at the number it finally stopped at. I berated myself and felt like crap, until I realized (by a handy post-it I put on my desktop to keep myself motivated- it was my largest weight as yet) that I've lost 15 pounds in the last month or so. That, was enough to completely turn those grunts of protests into squeals of glee.

One day, a month or so ago, I stepped on the scale (after avoiding it for awhile), only to discover that I was at the largest weight I've ever been. Including while I was pregnant. Let me tell you, I just about lost it. I cried in the shower for a good, long time. Then, I resolved that this was not going to continue. I determined that I was not going to cross that next threshold in numbers. I went to my laptop, and used the little "sticky note" application to post a big note with my current weight on it on there, so I would see it every time I use my laptop.

I began to really pay attention to what I was eating. I started to pay attention to my body when I ate; to recognize when I was full. I stopped looking at food as a "treat". I stopped the pattern of thinking that if I had it on my plate, I had to finish it, especially when it came to junk food and sweets. I do kind of keep that mindset with my veggies, though. I try to make sure that I eat all of the veggies on my plate first, and then go on to what's left. And I've been making myself aware of the calorie content of what I am eating, as well as fat, etc... One night, I remember being anxious for a Snickers bar, until I turned it over and read how many calories are in that one little bar. My craving instantly vanished, and I wound up giving the candy to someone else.

I am trying to keep myself more active. I park far away from the stores. I use stairs over elevators or escalators. I get outside and play in the yard, or walk on my treadmill. That treadmill is probably the best investment I've ever made. I plan to do more hiking, discover new trails. I've signed up for meetups with other like-minded people, so maybe I can get myself a group of people interested in keeping each other accountable and motivated. I want to get more active in getting my son many of his Boy Scout badges, and many of those are physical activity. I'm anxious for the Summer and the nicer weather to get here, so I can get outside more.

I plan to do a cleanse in the next couple weeks. I need to do a little more research, but my body has definitely been asking me for it. I'm curious as to how many of my ailments will go away with the fat. How much my headaches will decrease, the nausea, the feeling of "unwellness".

It was nice to be able to take that new number on the scale, and instead of cry over it, rejoice over it. To use it to keep me motivated. To know that the changes to myself and my lifestyle are working, and the proof is there. To lift my spirits, instead of dwell on negative.

I've come to the conclusion that work makes me fat. Not physical work- but having a job work. You laugh. I'm serious.



I didn't use to be this big. Nope. I had gained weight after the kids, and I still looked huge to myself in the mirror. What is crazy, is that what I use to see in the mirror and bulk at- Well, that's pretty much what I am now. Sometimes that makes me feel better, because I think that maybe I'm actually seeing more than what is really there. Other times it makes me shudder, because I can't believe I let this happen.



Anyway- I'm going off course.

I've done a lot of thinking over the past several weeks. And something I've come to realize is that I am tons more productive at home when I am not working. Not only do I cook, but I bring down those cookbooks and find new recipes and actually COOK. I clean the house.. not just pick it up. I organize. I get into those overcrowded spaces and clear them out. I go through those hundreds of still-packed boxes and unpack or get rid of them. Man, do I need to do that. I get outside and walk. I have more patience when it comes to my kids, and their homework. I can volunteer at their schools and events and not feel like I'm pressing myself thin. I devote more time to things. I am not so exhausted by the time I get home that I want to just sit and veg. I crank up the radio and sing and dance my way through the day. I actually enjoy doing the housework and such. I loved having my boyfriend and kids come home to a clean house, knowing what I was making for dinner that night (if not having already started it), feeling accomplished at having tackled and finished projects.

Don't get me wrong. I love love love my job. It's the best I've ever had. The atmosphere is wonderful. My coworkers are wonderful. Even the patron's are great. But, I'm a lazy person. And when I get home, or on my days off, I don't want to do anything outside of the "needs-to-be-done".

So, now I need to figure out how to live in both worlds, and be both people. How do I mesh the person I am when I'm not working into the person I am while I am working? Somehow, take all that energy that I have when not working, and keep it going for when I get home, or have the day off. It's not like I'm going to be able to completely quit working anytime soon (try never), so I've got to figure something out. Anyone have any suggestions?

It was absolutely beautiful outside yesterday. So, not being able to resist being out in it, I decided to take our dog for a walk, and went to pick my daughter up from school. That's a 3-mile hike up and down the road. Nothing was wrong with the day or the walk. As a matter of fact, it was quite incredible. The walk seemed effortless, whereas the last time I walked it, I ached for days. The day was warm with a nice breeze to keep me from getting overheated.



The only problem was with the car of youngsters that drove by. There was a time in my life where walking down the road elicited cat-calls by these same carloads. This time, however, I was subjected to the cruelty about weight. It's the first real "slam" I've had concerning this issue. And, it really messed up an otherwise perfect day.

Since I've had my son, I've struggled with my body weight. Having always been a slim girl, I didn't know how to react to this extra baggage I was carrying around. While I was pregnant, it didn't bother me too much, because I was obviously pregnant, and that was an excellent excuse. Now- there are no excuses. In the past couple years, I have really packed them on. Due to personal happenings, and the outcomes of those happenings, I became complacent and folded into myself, not to escape what was happening, but as a coming home and finally feeling like I was where I needed to be. Unfortunately, I also became sedate, and that wrecked havoc on my waistline.

Now, looking in the mirror makes me ill. To that point where I've almost literally become sick from it. I hate it. I hate trying on new clothes, because nothing fits how I want it to. It only points out to me how much I have changed in body mass. I try to diet, healthfully, and exercise, but it doesn't quite work out how it should. Our lifestyle isn't very conducive to a healthy eating pattern. And neither is the fact that I'm still waiting on an oven (which should hopefully be there by the time I get home. I'm not holding my breath for that though). My weakened state doesn't let me exercise how I'd like to, although things like that walk are much overdue and underdone.

So- now I receive the insults instead of the catcalls. It's amazing how a body can change, and what it can do to one's mindset.

Have you ever read the book, or seen the movie, of Stephen King's 'The Mist'? Every time I think of that story, I think of my brain. It's how my brain feels of late. Fuzzy, obscure. I can't quite see in there, and there is something scary lurking within, snatching up thoughts, ideas and memories like the tentacles snatched up people.

I haven't been feeling well. My head aches in a dull, sickly way. My body (mostly my neck, shoulders and back) aches the same. My tummy has a constant hint of nausea at all times. My tongue feels covered with some kind of paper. And my eyes see things that aren't there. Not outright hallucinations. Just shadows.

In other words.. I feel icky.

But, in other news, I hung out with a monkey on my head today. No- not the metaphorical addiction, but my daughter's stuffed monkey. Apparently it was cozy up there while she attended to making her lunch this morning. It was cool. We hung out, ate bananas, and sung "Yellow Submarine" from the Beatles.
So, now I'm told I need to start blogging about Monkey's adventures whilst on my head. We'll see how that turns out. I may just have to attach him to a headband and start wearing him (her) around so there will be all kinds of fun stuff to write about.

Don't hold your breath for that. While blue may be my daughter's favorite color, I'm pretty sure Monkey's is yellow. And mine is orange. So no one wins there.

Wow. Not blogging from work really puts a dent in my blogging, doesn't it?! LOL

So, I guess I'm overdue for some updates. Since I have a few minutes before I have to leave, I thought I'd get some of those out here for those of you who follow this.

#1: My son's belly-

The surgery went splendidly. His dad and I sat for about an hour and a half with him, waiting for the anesthesiologist and surgeon to be ready (apparently they had another surgery that wound up going longer than they had expected). Once he was wheeled back, Dustin went and grabbed us all some Taco Bell (none of us had eaten, since my boy couldn't). We scarfed that down in one of the waiting rooms, and before we were even finished, the doc came in to tell us everything went well. It was just as he thought- a mass of scar and cyst, under the skin. He took it out, had to go just a bit farther than he expected to, but not by much. Closed everything, and now we were just waiting for him to start waking up.
Once he started to stir, they let us back to see him. He was all cozied up in the bed. Oh, by the way, before he went in, while waiting, since he had to be in that uncomfy cold "robe" they give you, they had this machine that was like a reverse vacuum. It hooked up to the robe, and blew warm air in between the two layers. It was AWESOME, and I want one.
Anyway.
So, he starts to wake. Of course, he's all doped up from the anesthesia, so getting him coherent took a little bit. Meanwhile, the nurse is going over after-care instructions with us- telling us that we will probably have to force feed him soft foods the first day, because his tummy will be queasy, and that he will most likely sleep all day. Of course, she told us about the pain meds, and all that are associated with that.
My son starts to really wake up. He asks for food and water, since he's famished (couldn't eat after midnight, and it was close to 2pm, if my memory serves me right). He got a poppyseed muffin, which he demolished. And two glasses of juice.
He decides he's ready to get up, and get dressed. The three of us leave and let the nurse help him. It's just one of those sheets that cover his area. Outside, we hear this, as he sits up:


"Woah! I sat up and Whoosh! Everything fell out of my head..."


We were trying our damnedest not to let him hear us snickering at that.
As for his lack of appetite, and drowsiness- he demanded a stack of poppyseed muffins and chicken noodle soup from Costco, which we obliged. He ate 2-3 muffins, and a can of soup, among other things. And stayed up until about 1 in the morning.
As for pain- the kid has none. His pain threshold plain doesn't exist. The only pain med he got was the one I made him take when I picked up his prescription, since the doctor told me to (for the waning anesthesia). He never needed another one. He's fine.
At his follow-up, the doctor checked and assured everything is healing fine. He can go back to normal activity- such as karate and P.E., on the 12th of March.


#2 My Laptop-

I got one! Let me here a "HaZaah!" for tax returns. It isn't anything spectacular. Not one of those multi-thousand $$$ ones I'm sure I would have thoroughly enjoyed. But it has a good enough graphics card to run Everquest 2 (a online computer game I play on occasion), surf the Internet, and still have WordPad open to write. All at the same time. So, that's cool. Now I just have to get use to the difference between using a desktop over using a laptop again. It gets frustrating, but it's worth it.
Ontop of that, I also need to learn a new Windows, since this has Win7(?) and my desktop has Vista(?). So far there isn't really much difference, that I can tell. Of course, I've always used the very basic of functions on the computer, so it could be spectacularly different, and I wouldn't have a clue. One thing I've noticed that I do really like is the "sticky note" function. I am already using the crap out of that, for motivational stuff, as well as keeping notes on my writing. Super jazzy.

#3 The Treadmill!-

I finally got one. It's your basic, beginner treadmill. I love it. It's fantastic. It hurts the crap out of my ankle, and I'm not sure why. But then, I've always had problems with my ankles and shins while running in P.E. in school, so it's nothing new. I just work through the pain, and deal with it. The end result is worth it, in my opinion. Dustin is using the crap out of it, too. We have it facing the television (but in the other room), so it's just dandy convenient. Even the kids get a kick out of using it. Groovy, I tell ya.

#4 Taxes-

I got my tax return, and it was good. I got to pay off my bills, and pay a month ahead. Want to hear something crazy? I paid my stupid electric company $500.. and still owe $0.63 for this month. *sigh* And I was able to get the kids new mattresses. Dustin is going to make them both platform-style beds, and we are going to paint the edges with chalkboard paint. I kind of want one of those! And I put a significant portion away in savings. I am hopeful that sometime soon that will go towards the deposit on a new-and-improved place. Keep your fingers crossed for me.



Well, that's all I've got for now. I'm sure there is more, but, since I just got home from work, and my ankles still hurt, and I'm tired and hungry, that's all my little brain can come up with.

My son goes in for surgery this Friday. He is getting his belly button cut out. Crazy, you think? I'll post a picture when I get home and you will understand what I mean.

His belly button looks like bubbles. We've always referred to it with the endearing name of "bubble button". I'm going to be sad to see it go, but it's herniating, and needs to be taken out. The doctor at the surgery center was saying something about how sometimes the connection between the belly button and the abdomen (the umbilical cord from when baby was in the womb), doesn't seal properly, and there is still a via way. This tube can get cysts, and fill with fluid. Something like that.

Here- have a looksie:


Anyway, he goes to surgery on Friday. I have no idea how deep they have to go, or how extensive the surgery will be. He did mention having to cut into muscle, which is painful. It is outpatient surgery, so that's a plus. He scheduled it for the weekend he's with me (yes, my son picked his date), so he'll have the luxury of having a quiet house, with plenty of television, movies, and computer to contend with. And yes, dear sister, I will let him eat ice cream!

He's only going to miss one day of school-which is this Friday. He has Monday and Tuesday off due to President's Day, so he won't miss too much school. He will have to miss a week of karate, and then go back very slowly. NO contact. Not for a couple weeks. He decided he will use the time to perfect his stances and katas. I thought that was an awesome decision. My little boy is growing up and becoming responsible!

He is having to miss his testing for his stripe on his belt. It was for this week, but because of the herniation, they do not want him to participate, since there is definitely much physical contact during it. He is disappointed ( I think he specifically scheduled it for after his testing ), but he understands. His health is more important. He can test later.

So, hopefully it all goes smoothly with no complications. I want him to recover fast and easy! Keep posted, and I'll update this weekend sometime!

What a game, eh? I have no love for either team, but because of a little warrior (Pirate Ben, over top right there), I rooted for the Saints. Luckily, everyone else in our family of friends was going for them as well, so I could root loudly and not be pummeled!

Fantastic game. I hope he got to watch the whole thing. I don't know the kid, but I want him to have these little moments of victory, ya know?!

This past Saturday I hurt my back. I had bought my kids some dressers ($1.29 each at the Goodwill!! And they are nice dressers!), so I was helping my son get his room picked up, since he also wanted to rearrange it in the process. So, we moved his bed (easy, since it's just the boxspring and mattress), then dug into moving all his crap into a pile in the corner in order to fit the dresser through. While moving a pile of his laundry over, I tweaked something. Brought me to my knees, and really made me worry for a moment that I wasn't going to be able to get up, and that I was going to have to go have my son call someone to drive me to the hospital.

After a couple moments of breathing, I was able to stand up. I stretched it out, got it limbered up, and proceeded on with cleaning the rooms and moving the furniture. All went fine after that, and though my back was still faintly throbbing, it wasn't overwhelming. However, as the night grew on, my back protested more and more and more. It worried me enough to start thinking about urgent care visits again, but not enough to actually go.

I spent Sunday staying low, thinking that by the time Monday morning rolled around, I'd be kosher for work. I was wrong. I started thinking about that dull throbbing in my back, and then added that to my job at work, and decided no way- no how. So I stayed home. Then realized that by staying home, I was going to end up doing my back more harm than good, since I wouldn't be able to keep myself from doing all those nasty chores that need to be done.

Have you ever really noticed how much your back actually does? Try having it in pain every time it moves the slightest, and you'd be amazed!! Throw in some spasms.. and there's me. So, I made Dustin go with me to the Goodwill, and St. Vinnies, and the St. Vinnies in Bremerton, and the Goodwill in Silverdale. I used a cart as a walker. It was grand. It still hurt, but it was better than trying to bend over and throw laundry around, or scrub out bathtubs.

Today, I decided to come to work, despite the lingering pain. I mean, really, I just put myself on a moderated "bed rest"- by going to work. I knew dang well that I would put more pressure on my back if I stayed home again, then if I just limited myself to the check-out station here. Is that horrible? Work is better rest than at home. Not to mention, I don't want to use up all my sick leave on this stupid thing. *sigh*

Every day I get a twinge that drives itself deeper and deeper into me, telling me I need a new laptop. A small, easily portable one. One that handles the Internet like it was butter to a baker. One that I can lounge on the couch with, or at a coffee shop with.

Sitting in this chair- at this desk- to write, is debilitating. It's counter-conducive to my zen. No feng shui here boys and girls.

Hey! Know me well enough you think to help me out a bit?

So, as mentioned in my previous post, I have some work to do on my head. I've incorperated these sites before to try and help with that, and then just let the info lie dormant. Now, I feel I might be ready to tentatively move forward and meet these things head on.

But, I need outside help. I can only see so much of my own psyche. I'm a bit biased, ya know. If you could clicky on each link below and then read over and give me some honest feedback, I'd really appreciate it. You don't have to add your name, but I think it would help me by keeping things in context, ya know?

Anyways- here are the links:

Johari Window

and

Nohari Window

Thank you muchly!!

I've been sitting here under an undue amount of stress lately. I know I shouldn't let that go on, but I'm not really sure how to let go of it. I was reading a blog I follow here, and she was talking about how here "resolution" for this year is to let go. May I mention here that I find this woman incredible in her strength and convictions. Anyway... much of what this gal says hits home, and this did, too. I think some areas of my psyche would greatly benefit from me being able to just let go of some junk. It's like my cluttered house. My brain is so cluttered that I can't maneuver around in there. I need to clean some of that junk out. Yard sale, maybe?

There are things I need to deal with, work on, plain let go of and move on. The problem is, I'm not sure how to do all these things. Which ones do I confront? Which ones do I simply walk away from? And by walking away, am I really letting go, or merely running from them some more? How far should I delve into these things? Am I going to only wind up stirring the pot and hurting myself even more by analyzing some of this crap?

I know I'm being really vauge. I'm not giving much information to work off of here. The truth of the matter is, one of these issues are trust issues, and the fear of others seeing my inner sides. The issues are things I'm not certain I really want made public in this way.

All I know is that the stress is wearing on me, and it's starting to show to those around me. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. When people ask "What's wrong?", I don't know how to answer. I don't know how to answer it to myself yet.

New Years
It's that time of year for new resolutions. Okay, it's a little past that time, but I've been lazy busy. Okay... I've been lazy. I was looking over what I'd written last year. All those things I had planned on doing. Some I did, some I tried, some I didn't even attempt other than thinking about it.

I've been writing more, even if it's mostly blogging rather than actual storytelling. But it's more than nothing. I've been reading more, which is fantastic. New stuff and old alike. While my vocabulary isn't necessarily broader, I'm still getting those daily words with which to cram my head with. I have been cooking in more, but not necessarily eating out less. However, I have been trying to make more health-consious decisions when eating out, as well as when cooking at home. I was exercising more, but got discouraged when I wasn't seeing results. I tried, hard, alot... and got nothing. So, now I have to try again. I planted my garden, and tried to keep it tended, but between my brown thumb, the rabbits, and the slugs- it died. I got my son in karate (which he still loves). I got my daughter into choir for awhile, but she doesn't want to do any after school activites (I'll find something eventually!). The kids' dental work is either done, or doing. I got medical insurance. I've been drinking more water.

So- that is 2009 in a nutshell. At least, based off my resolutions for that year. I got maybe half accomplished, and I think that's pretty good. There are some I really wish I'd taken more time to do, but they will be in this years, and maybe this will be thier year. That said- here are some of the things I'd like to get done this year:


1. Write more. I had this last year, but I want to focus more on my stories, not only on my blog. I don't want to spend less time on my blog- just more on the stories.

2. Learn how to use my sewing machine. I would really like to learn how to make some of those clothes, purses, etc that I have the patterns and fabric for in there! All I need is the know-how!

3. Continue to cook more at home, and cook healthy meals.

4. Learn how to shop efficiently for healthy food and snacks.

5. Make it a habit to eat breakfast, and choose (and bring) healthy snacks throughout the day.

6. Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! And not be discouraged if I don't "see" results. Let my body tell me how it's doing, maybe not visually, but internally.

7. Find some new parks. The ones I know of in the area have become dull to me, and even my kids. Time to move on to new and fresh.

8. Find some good hiking trails, and use them; get us all out there, breathing in that fresh air!

9. Go camping. I cannot remember the last time I went, and I miss it.

10. Go out with my family at least once a month. By family, I mean my brother and sisters, and mom and dad. We don't spend as much time together as we use to since I quit partying. I need to have them for dinner, or whatever.

11. Start actually doing all those crafts I bought all the supplies for.

12. Learn how to make more natural, enviornmental friendly products for cleaning, both the house and our bodies.

13. Go see some live music. This shouldn't be as difficult as it's been for me. I know there's live music around here- I am just horrible about finding it.

14. Get the animals to the vet. This is one of those ones that really should have been done last year, but wasn't.

15. Figure out what is going wrong in my son's Language Arts class, and help him rememdy it.

16. Help my daughter understand this math stuff.

17. Give a garden another shot, but read up on it more instead of just jumping in.

18. Model more for Dustin.

19. Get the shed cleaned out, gone through, and organized.

20. Get the boxes in my bedroom cleaned out, gone through, and reorganized.

gauntlet
PRONUNCIATION:(GONT-let, GAHNT-)
MEANING:noun:
1. A long thick glove worn as part of medieval armor.
2. A challenge. To throw down the gauntlet: to challenge someone.To take up the gauntlet: to accept a challenge.
3. A form of military punishment where a person was forced to run between two rows of people who struck him as he passed in front of them. Used in the phrase: to run the gauntlet.
4. An attack from all sides; a severe trial or ordeal.


See definitions 3 & 4 there? That's what I feel like today. I feel like I'm being beaten by all sides. Unending. And the hitters? The attackers? My own body.

Ugh.

I feel ill. I've had a bad taste in my mouth since late last night. Unidentifiable as of yet. It kept me awake. My stomach is in upheaval. My brain is on strike, and not a peaceful one. My coworker is back in the hospital, which is so much way worse than this, so I can't go home sick.

Four more hours, and I get to go home. The hours pass as weeks, the minutes days, the seconds hours. My proverbial watched pot. Only- it's a clock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Only, much slower.