~A Bitter Swallow~

  Next month I am participating in the South Kitsap Relay for Life, to help fund cancer research and awareness.  This is something dear to me.  I hope you can take a moment of time and a bit of change from your pocket book and help my team (through my job at the library) to help support this fantastic cause.   

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12GW?px=16003778&pg=personal&fr_id=38873

Thank you!!!

  Another day of me dragging my feet.  I know I should try to lift my spirits, but the desire to is just not there.  "What is the point?" that nagging voice in my head asks me.  "So that you can be knocked down further?"   I just want to curl up and go back to bed.  I don't want to deal with anything today.  Yesterday I lost my glasses.  They are gone. So even reading is strenuous.  Yet here I am anyway.  I know my way around a keyboard well enough, so I do not worry about my typing.  I can see well enough to notice if I forgot a space or whatnot. 

I almost called out of work today, but I'm not going to.  Part of it is because I fear for how my eyes will do with the computers there.  I am hoping I can change the resolution to a size I can see okay.  But mostly it's because I just don't have any drive or desire to do anything today, other than sit here and mope and feel sorry for myself over stupid things.  I do feel ill, but it's hard for me to tell anymore if it's the depression or an actual illness going on.  The headaches and stomachaches are so frequent that who knows anymore.  I did get the gumption to finally call and make a doctor's appointment yesterday, only to realize that the number is long distance, which I cannot call on my phone.  So, once again, dashed. 

I am sure I bring much of this upon myself.  I am a believer in energies and that you attract what you put out there.  However, even when I've tried my hardest to put forth only positive energy, I still get smacked down.   I'm so tired. 

It's getting harder to believe in hope.   I hope, and I hope, and I hope... and nothing ever works out for me.  One thing after another, dashed.  Hope isn't something I can hold on to, because it's doomed to fail the moment my heart flutters with anticipation or excitement.  The moment the smile crosses my lips, and that hope enters my being-  whatever it is I'm hopeful for is cursed and doomed to ashes.  There is no point in hoping anymore.  I don't think my heart can take it anymore.  I am honestly afraid to hope for something, to give it voice or thought, because I'm afraid that by doing so I have cursed it.  I am one huge curse.  I wish I knew what I did to cause that.

It's getting harder to control myself... I keep finding myself breaking down into tears at random moments.  I just wish things could go back to being simple.  I just want simple.  I don't want any more stress.  My brain is so out-of-whack its scaring me.  Like- seriously scaring me.   I just cannot seem to focus at all.  I just want to sleep all the time.  I don't want to deal with anything anymore.  I just want to crawl away and sleep it all away.   Just let it all pass me by.  Maybe if I hide under the covers long enough it won't see me and will forget me and just go away. 

I can feel tendrils coiling around my brain lately.  So far, they've only been made of smoke, and I can make them dissipate if I notice them and try.  Which I've been able to do for the most part.  However, I know how this works.  They don't "go away".   They just lose some of their substance and form.  They are still there though, winding their way around my mind.   Picking and prodding and seeing where they can squeeze in and infiltrate.   It's like brushing at cobwebs; Constantly brushing at cobwebs. 

 I try to do things to help make them weaker.  Or, rather, to help make myself stronger.

1.   I try to watch what I eat, and make sure I get healthy stuff in me every day, if not at every meal.  Every meal is the ultimate goal, but it's hard when dealing with picky kids who like regular comfort foods, as well as time restraints and money.  As I get more involved and get more trial and error I'm sure I'll find recipes and ideas that work for me.  It's just getting there.

2.  I am also trying to do some sort of exercise every day- be it walking to/from work, jogging on the treadmill, or doing some floor exercises that I've found.  The more I can do the better I feel, but I try not to beat myself up if I only get one of them done.

3.  I am keeping a clean(ish) house.  The less clutter I have around me, the less clutter seems to be in my head while I am here.  Plus, cleaning the house gets me up and moving around.  It's its own sort of exercise.  I also get the sense of accomplishment from looking around and seeing neatness. 


Things I want to work on:

~  Writing more.  I need to do this.  As a matter of fact, it's part of what this whole blog post is here for:  Getting me writing.  Here, the other blog, or writing on one of my stories (wouldn't that be great!)... just writing somewhere.

~  More outings with friends/family.   I tend to retreat within myself, and just hide out.  It's not always intentional.  I've discovered that this house is not conducive to people knocking.  There is no doorbell, so unless I am in the living room, I don't hear the door.  Unless the house is silent- no music, no dishwasher, no heater.  That is pretty rare.  Like... super rare.   However, even when people do get ahold of me, I find myself just wanting to stay home.  Parties I'm not into anymore, so I really don't feel too bad taking a rain check on those.  I would like to have more casual gatherings though, like BBQs and such.  With the weather warming up there will be more opportunities to take advantage of trips to the lake, etc...  My brother and his girlfriend (and my friend!) are coming over this weekend for a BBQ.  Well, she is at least going to come over for some girl time.  I've got cases of wine (yes, plural) that are begging for attention!

~Get outside more.  I'm definitely happier when outside in the sunshine.  Sunshine is lacking in this state, so when it is here, I need to take advantage.  Take the kids out for lake trips, to the park, hiking, whatever!  Myself, too, if I'm by myself. 

~ Craft more.  Be creative.  Stop being lazy. Pick a craft and do it.  Sometimes I get frustrated because I never have all the components for what I want to do.  And don't have the money to go buy what I need.  But, I can start keeping a list of what I want to do, what I need for it, and where to find it (did I get it in a book, website, etc) so that when I'm able to get the part I need, I can do it!



So, while I can feel the worms of depression trying to weasel their way back in, I'm so far so good (fingers crossed) doing okay at battling them.  I am, however, keeping a close eye on it, and vow to take measures of asking for help if it starts to get beyond my control.   I also know I'm good at hiding it until it gets to the point of "no return".  Or so it feels sometimes.  I'll try not to hide it.  I don't want to get as bad as I did last time. That scared me. I know it scared a lot of people.