~A Bitter Swallow~

2011 has been one hell of a year for me.  It was not altogether nice.  Between my son telling me he was hearing voices, my daughter going blind and fainting in the shower- causing a 911 call, my own issues with my kidneys,  some pretty serious fights with my boyfriend, and having to go back on state aid- I've had about more stress than I can handle.  It has affected my health.  It's affected my job.  It's affected my overall general state of mind. 

BUT, fortunately I can say that all but one of those has fixed themselves.  We are still having to use state aid to get by, but my son, my daughter, myself, and my relationship with my boyfriend are all fine and going strong.  I am thankful for that. 

I don't feel like I got very much accomplished this past year.  A lot of wants.  A lot of ideas.  A lot of talk.  No doing.  That is the one thing I hope to change with the new year.  More doing.  Like the Home Depot commercials say.  Yeah-  I want that to be me.

Along with doing, I want to simplify.  This is where I hope having to go on state aid helps.  By giving me a kick in the pants and forcing me to stop and reevaluate my surroundings.  Where can I cut back.  Where can I do-it-myself?  What can I do to make my life simpler, healthier, and more satisfying?  How can I do this in a way that will be self-sufficient?  How will it help the environment around me?  Etc etc etc.

I'm planning on really digging in and get my hands dirty this year.  Literally.  I'm going to make that garden bed out there flourish.  I want to build a compost system so I can make use of all those leftovers that make my stomach squirm every time I throw them in the garbage.  I want to plant fruits and veggies so that I can have fresh, healthy food for my family.  Eventually I'd like to get a chicken coop built so I can have a few chickens, too. 

I plan on cooking more at home. With limited funds with which to spend going out, or on frivolous food, we will be forced to sit down and actually think about what we want to eat. We will be more apt to plan menus and actually shop for and prepare what is on them. By doing so, I hope to eat more health-conscious. I am a bit worried about this part, because I've noticed that it seems the more healthy a food- the more expensive it is. But by preparing our meals at home, and utilizing what I'm able to grow in the garden, I hope to have a better idea and control of what I am actually putting into our bodies.

 I want to work on crafting.  I want to make it more of a priority in my day-to-day life.  I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to get in and nab that table/desk down at the Goodwill to turn into a sewing station.  I already have a few beginner-type projects in mind that, if they turn out right, will become gifts for a pregnant friend of mine.  (Ssshhh... she doesn't know!).   My daughter has gotten very into crafting lately, so I'm hoping that her drive helps push me along, too.  If I am focusing on helping her achieve her goals, then I will help mine by helping her.  =)  Win-win. 

With this in mind, I sat down and compiled a short list of my goals for 2012.  These are not resolutions.  I always fail at those.  They are just goals I've set, and I hope to have them all finished by this time next year. 

1.  Build that composter system.
2.  Finish writing Bone & Silver.
3.  Blog on each of my websites at least once a week.
4.  Do some sort of craft once a week.  Even if it's working on an ongoing project-  do something!
5.  Visit Mount Saint Helens with the kids.
6.  Visit Mount Rainier with the kids.
7.  Start using my sewing machine.
8.  Make my own soap.
9.  Learn to knit &/or crochet.
10. Cook and eat at home most of the time.
11. Eat less processed food.
12. Grow my garden and eat it!

When I was fresh out of high school, I weighed 105 pounds-  115 if I was wet and having a "fat" day.  While seeing others that were overweight didn't bother me, and most of them I still see as beautiful women,  I just couldn't fathom it happening to me.  I would just never let that happen.  I heard the stories of women who gained weight while they were pregnant, and then couldn't get it back off.  I figured that wouldn't happen to me, either.  Heck, I did 2 hours of aerobics every other day for goodness sake.  I would continue to exercise and eat healthy while I was pregnant and keep myself fit and trim. 

I can hear you laughing already.  Ahh... to be 18 again...

Take into consideration the fact that I lived with 6 other people in a house the size of maybe a double garage.  There was no room to work out.  I wasn't in high school anymore with the required P.E. class to work out at.  Not to mention the fact that I didn't realize the severity of a craving.  An honest-to-goodness-gnaw-at-your-bones craving.  For me, it was Snickers and Chicken McNuggets.  Yeah-  not gonna gain weight at all with that diet! 

So, there I was, gaining weight and not caring.  I quickly went into the mentality of "I'm pregnant.  I'm suppose to eat more!"  LOL....  Denial is bliss, sometimes, isn't it?

While I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight.  Heck, he was 10lbs and 10oz, and 21&3/4 inches long.  He wasn't a small baby.  I gave birth to a linebacker!  But he wasn't the entire reason for all my weight.  It was the general laziness that came over me.  I didn't want to exercise.  Then it got too cold.  I'm sorry, but I am the biggest cold wuss there is on the face of the planet.  I hate it, and it makes me shrivel in a corner and cry.  I'm being almost literal here.  So, too cold for outdoorsey exercise. 

I told you that, at most, I was 115 pounds when I got pregnant.  By the time I had him, I was tipping the scales at 190. 

I did manage to lose quite a bit of that weight.  I actually probably got down to what most would consider a "normal" weight afterwards.  I was around 140.  At 5'6" this tends to be an acceptable weight.  It wasn't for me.  I got pregnant again, gained a bunch of weight again, and got back down to around 140-150.  Again- probably more acceptable for most.

Not for me.

I'd lived my life as this skinny little minnie, and now all I could see was flub.  I'm back at the 180-190 mark again.  No babies this time.  No "excuses" this time.  What is crazy is when I think back onto when I was at the 140-150 mark.  I thought I was huge.  I actually saw myself as I look now.  I understand the visual "hallucinations" anorexics see in the mirror, although I've never been anorexic.  Because I had them. 


All of this is leading up to that one important question:  What am I going to do about it?

If you have read my blog, or if you know me personally, you might know about the recent scare I had with my kidneys.  Mind you, I had already come to the conclusion, and the action, of changing my diet and getting a bit more exercise.  More veggies, less junk food in the house, and walking to and from work feels good.  So, that change had already been made.  I'd do about 3-4 days of walking for an hour at a low-moderate pace on my treadmill as well.  However, when I had the scare with my kidneys, it really drove home the fact that I need to start focusing on not just my weight, but on my overall health.  Again, I had already made this conscious decision, but this really proved it to me in a way that made it stick. 

I've taken on a morning and evening routine of light exercise.  25 crunches, 25 knee-push ups, 25 upper leg lifts, 25 lower leg lifts, 25 side crunches, 25 more push ups, 25 more upper leg, 25 more lower leg.  It's not much, but it's a start.  We've continued to eat better (if you just go ahead and discount this entire holiday season... we'll just pretend all that didn't happen).  I've continued to walk to work as much as possible, but it hasn't been as much as I'd like.  Life sometimes just gets in the way of that.  And my treadmill has been unplugged, so time to remove the Christmas tree so I can plug it back in again.     I need to get back on that thing.  I need to steal my daughter's Ipod, learn how to download audiobooks/ebooks to it, and start walking.  Hopefully advance to jogging, and maybe someday running. 

I think I've lost sight of my original intention for this blog post.  I don't remember what my 'moral-of-the-story' was intended to be.  But, I guess it boils down to the fact that one of my new year resolutions is to take charge of not just my weight, but my overall health.  Physical, mental, emotional.  I have plans to help me obtain some of those.   I'll post another blog concerning the more nitty grit of that in a bit.

**UPDATE 12/20/2011**
I just got back from the specialist's office. As of right now, it's still a whole bunch of "I don't know". At this point, it is going to stay at that. There was nothing on the ultrasound that meant anything. Also, my numbers have not gotten worse as far as the funtionality of my kidneys. So, there is really nothing they can do at this point outside of going totally HOUSE MD on me and testing me for all kinds of wild guess things that will probably turn out to be nothing. He said that it could be that something was going on that has since fixed itself. So, I am to just go ahead and live a normal life and not worry about it. Well, worry about it enough to keep going and getting my blood drawn every year to check it and make sure it hasn't decided to decline some more. Other than that.. keep hydrated, eat healthy, and continue to get some exercise in as often as possible. So that is what I am going to do. I plan on going and finding a new doctor with the new year, so when I do that I will talk with her/him about their thoughts on the topic. The specialist did say I might have to go on high blood pressure medications sooner than they would normally decide to medicate someone. So there is that to think of, too. But, he says I seem to be fine, and as long as we don't see any further decline in function, I'll be able to just live like normal. So yay, I guess!
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**UPDATE** 12/13/2011
I had my ultrasound today. They went in and looked around at my bladder, my kidneys, and the veins/arteries surrounding them. I have another appointment next Tuesday (the 20th) to go over the results (if any) of those pictures. I am torn between what I want. I'm afraid of them finding something, but I'm afraid of them NOT finding anything. The thought of something in there is scary, but at the same time, the thought of there not being anything there means we STILL don't know what is going on, and there will be more searching to figure it out. No fixing. So, I think I am hoping that they found something- but something easy to deal with. Wham, bam, kidneys are working again Ma'am. =) I will let you know what I find out next week!
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ORIGINAL POST: Nov. 2011

For those of you who don't know- I was diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease, what would be considered "moderate", in October. My doctor ran a second test to confirm, which happened in November. Since I was fine last July, he was mostly concerned with how quickly they seem to have deteriorated. And he could figure out no reason behind it. So, he sent me to a specialist, who I met with today.

He started out by telling me I only had 4 years left... if nothing at all changes and the deterioration continues to deteriorate at the same level, that is. Fortunately, we caught it, and can now proceed to do something about it. First off is the obvious- get my weight under control. It's not the main issue or concern, but it definitely won't hurt and will probably help with all of the other issues surrounding the kidney function. Next, figure out what is causing the decline. He also said he could not find anything in my lifestyle behaviors that would account for it, so my next step is a couple of ultrasounds. He wants to look at my kidneys themselves, and the arteries surrounding them, to see if anything is going on there somewhere. They faxed my info to the ultrasound place, and hopefully they will call soon to schedule the appointment. Then I will go back to the specialist to discuss the results and see where to go from there.

So, pretty much still no answers. But, baby steps in the right direction. Oh, and I have to start drinking pickle juice. Not ANY pickles, but DILL pickles. Gag.

  On a serious note, this is something that is fairly common, and pretty much symptomless.  The only reason it was discovered was through a regular annual physical.  It's funny, because I've been saying I needed one for awhile now, but kept putting it off.  When I went to the W.A.L.E. conference in October I got sick, and thought maybe I had an ear infection.  THAT is what got me to the doctor, prompting me to schedule my physical.  I felt so stupid when I heard that my "ear infection" was just allergies.  But now, I'm glad I went and felt stupid, because who knows when I would have finally gotten around to making that appointment, and who knows how far my kidneys would have gone without being discovered.  It's the little things.

  I apologize if you happened across the "Nice" post.  That was not suppose to have been published.  I was rather upset, and hadn't even finished it.  I must have hit "Publish" out of habit, instead of "Save".  That's what I get for not double checking.  Again- if you were subjected to that, I apologize.  Please promptly forget it.  Thank you.

  It's one of those fragile things in life.  In my mind's eye, I see it as that beautiful, delicate vase that you treasure.  Then, someone comes along, picks it up, and throws it to the floor.  It breaks, but you gingerly pick up the pieces and glue them back together.  You have a vase again, and it might even be usable, but it's never the same.  You can see the faults.  It is weaker than it was.  So you set it back up, maybe a little higher this time.  But the person picks it back up and tosses it to the floor again.  And it breaks, again.   So you pick up the pieces and glue them back together, again.  

However, they keep picking it up and throwing it back down.  And each time it breaks, those slivers get smaller and sharper.  They cut deep and now it's not just the vase that is marred.  But you keep picking up those pieces, and keep trying to glue them back together.  But after awhile the pieces are too small- too broken.  They don't fit right anymore.  The glue doesn't hold them anymore.  You are down there, bleeding, wanting to fix something that probably isn't fixable anymore.   You look to the person for help, and they just shrug and say "I don't know what to tell you."

Different people throughout life may come along and pick up that vase. Sometimes they will try to help you put it back together. Sometimes it really was just an accident.  But when the same person keeps throwing it down.  Keeps shrugging their shoulders.  Doesn't even care. There comes a point when it isn't fixable anymore.  There is no way to put those pieces back together.   Where do you go from there?

     I've been having a hard time lately;  a hard time keeping my stress under control.   I try to not worry about things, but I think that instead of just "letting go", I am actually just internalizing everything.  I'm just hiding from it, or running from it, or just completely denying it instead of dealing with it.  However, when I try to deal with it, I realize that there really isn't any way to deal with it.  It just is what it is.  I try to accept it, but then we are back to the question of whether that is what I am actually doing or not.  

  I stress out about everything.  I honestly think it is affecting my health.  I somewhat wonder if it's causing my medical problems (more on that in an upcoming post).  I think it is probably at least contributing. 

  I know I am being very vague in this, and I am doing so purposefully.   I apologize for that, but, well, it is what it is.  

  There is something to be said for staying home sick for a day.  After today, I may just have to go expose myself to every one's sneezes and coughs more often.  Rub that crap (okay, not that crap) all over me.   In my swarmy state of mind that often accompanies me when I do not feel well, I was kicked by the writing bug.  I got 15 pages written, plus some editing done.  Now, that may not sound like much in the scheme of things.  But for me, that is phenomenal progress.  And, it alleviated a load of stress from certain areas of the storyline.  

  I've come to the conclusion that my writing bug on that story is finished for today, but with a 3-day weekend coming up, I'm hoping to at least catch that little bug again.  I can do without the feeling like poo-poo part, but if that's what it takes, then I'm willing.  Seriously.  Sneeze on me.  Thanks.

    Every once in awhile, inspiration strikes me, and I can get somewhat, if not downright, crafty.   My latest inspiration smacked me in the face while debating what to do for cigarette butts.   Now, no one in my household smokes, but many of my friends and family do.  So, while preparing for my birthday party that we had a couple weeks ago, I was trying to figure out where I could have everyone put their butts that wouldn't muck up my yard.  I also didn't want to wind up with half-empty soda bottles stuffed with them (yuck!).   This came to me in a brilliant moment of smackdown.   

   It involves empty soup cans, a picture of my family's butts that we took at a previous gathering (don't ask), white paper, black Sharpie, some Mod Podge, some water sealant, and some kitty litter.  

I was originally thinking of finding a bunch of pictures of animal butts on the Internet, but then my boyfriend reminded me of this picture.  It was just too perfect.   =) 

  Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.    Let me be the first to tell you-  I am not doing good with this.   I took turning 30 just fine.   Yeah, I was no longer in my 20s, but by that time, I think I was ready to grow up some, and be an adult.  But, 35 just seems overwhelming.   At 35 they start telling you about all the things you can't (or shouldn't) do, like have children,  and a whole new list of things you should do, like mammograms.   It's like a huge stamp that says "Officially OLD" on my forehead.  I have yet to find wrinkles, but I am sure they are coming. Of course, I slather on my handful of moisturizer every night and forbid myself to even look for them.   It may just be denial. 

  I'll tell you where I do see it.  On my chest.  I cannot begin to tell you how much that bothers me.   I've always had good skin.  I keep telling myself it's because of my weight and my diet, and that as soon as I get those fixed (which I'm working on), it will get better.  Then I try and tell myself it's because I don't eat well, or drink enough water or milk.  So I started taking vitamins and drinking them with milk, and drinking more water.  Eventually I suppose I will have to face the facts and embrace the signs of aging.  However, at this point, I'm still in an absolute state of denial.  

They say that 50 is "over the hill".  35 must be when you crest it, because everything starts to go downhill afterwards, right?  Not that I think my life is halfway over.  Now, the mission is to get serious about being on top of my health.  Getting fit, if not fabulous, and staying that way.  Sometimes the other side of the hill is the lush, tropical resort, right? 

   Wow.  I am a horrible blogger.  I really need to fix that.  I know I keep saying that.  One of these days I might actually work on it. LOL

  We moved!   I'm excited.  I'm hoping that it gives me the sense of space to allow me to relax more, and therefore be able to write more.  It won't happen for a few weeks, I am sure, since I still have tons of unpacking to do. 

  But, the place we are in now has so much more space!  I can walk around without running into everything and / or everyone.   We have a large living room with a woodstove, 2 large bedrooms for the kids, a double sized master bedroom for us, 1 large bathroom (seriously- my old bedroom could fit inside of it), and another 1/4 bathroom (sink and toilet).  Little kitchen with eat-in nook, den with another wood stove, a good sized laundry area that also has room for a crafting space,  a garage, and an attached studio area that has enough room for Dustin to do his photography, as well as his other hobbies.   All that, and a nice front yard, and a fully fenced back yard complete with play structure, shed, and garden. 

  It has some quirks.  It definitely has the feel of a homeowner who took on remodeling projects themself, and didn't quite know what they were doing.  However, it's all cosmetic things, that are easily fixed or ignored.  I'm excited, and have already started the Halloween decorations.  

 Speaking of Halloween decorations, I was appalled yesterday at the stores who have forgone the Halloween decorations in favor of Christmas stuff.  I mean, it is only 3 days into October!  Six of the seven stores I went to yesterday had their Halloween stuff shoved haphazardly into a corner, and looked like they had just thrown out whatever stock they had leftover from last year, then had big Christmas sections already up and running.  The one store that did NOT do that was a Halloween supply store..  It made me want to vomit.   Don't get me wrong-  Christmas is fun, but I LOVE Halloween, and I hate the whole mega-commercialism that Christmas has become.  Halloween and Thanksgiving are practically non-existent anymore because retailers are so gun hoe for Christmas sales.  It makes me sick.

Ok... /end rant on that subject...

If you haven't seen it already, I started a new blog.  I decided to start keeping tabs on all of the recipes I try out.  I was having a hard time remembering what I thought of certain recipes, and what, if any, changes I wanted to try on them.  Now I have all of that, many complete with photos, in one location to go back through.   You should check it out if you are into recipes and stuff:    Our Taste Tests

Next week I get to go to Spokane.  I have to start getting packed and ready for that, I suppose.  It's for a conference for work.  I'm going to the WALE conference.  Should be interesting.

   I must have been a really horrible person in a past life.  I'm serious.  Life just has this not-so-funny way of punching me in the face.  It seems that every time I get excited about something, or when it seems like my luck might finally be turning, Life lands me a karate chop to the throat, and then kicks me in the stomach to boot. 

  It's getting rather frustrating.  It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't even bother trying anymore, because it's never going to happen. I keeping setting myself up for disappointment.   I'm just going to be stuck here forever.  Nothing's changing anytime soon, so I might as well just accept that and deal with it.

  Problem is:  I don't know how to deal with it. 

/sigh

  I'm trying to let things go.  I'm trying to not let things get to me, and just go with the flow.  It's hard, though.  It's hard to ignore my brain, and the way it's been my entire life.  It's hard to try and tell myself "It doesn't matter", when to me, it most certainly does.   Things affect me different then they seem to affect most people.  People don't see things with the same kind of eyes I do.  Their brain doesn't process it the same way mine does.  I am very much aware of this, and I try and be normal, like everyone else.  I smile and say "it's okay" when inside I'm seething.   I've tried to rewire my thinking.  I've tried to become all "zen" like everyone says I need to be-  I should be.   But it's not working.  I've been trying for years to be "okay" with things that normal, every-day people are not just "okay" with, but don't even bat an eye at.  It's so hard.  It's so hard to sit here and not say anything.  To just "work through it" so that everything can be kosher.  I bite my tongue, and try to just breathe.  

  I've tried to talk about how things affect me to other people, and I've gotten blank stares, or even worse, the "You are totally over-reacting" stares.  Or even words.. lol.     I get the "you're overreacting" quite a bit.  So, I try and tell myself this, so that I can be okay with things.  I try to make myself believe it.   But it doesn't seem to work that way.  People don't understand the way my mind works, and I can't make them understand how things that seem simple to them, or normal, or 'just how humans are' to them are torturous to me.   "Men will be men"  "It's just human nature" etc... these flippant sayings bear no meaning to me.   I cannot wrap my brain around them, so I cannot understand or accept them.  

  I'm trying to change.  I'm trying to be "normal".  I'm trying to be okay with things. I'm tying to "let go".   Just know that I'm trying.

  I posted this on my writing site, but thought it was cute enough to share here as well.  I decided that I was going to make my kids go to the lake, whether they like it or not! *

I took my kids to the lake today. After spending some time playing with his sister in the water, my son found a group of his friends and wandered off to hang out with them. My daughter lounged on the blanket with me in the sun. I motioned to my notebook, which I had brought with me to write in, and pointed out the entirely blank page. My daughter picked it up and began writing "Blah Blah Blah" on the pages. I was then talking to her about an art project I thought we should try. She picked out words from our discussion and wrote them down. The words were: Word, Blah, Dry, Spray Paint, and Glue Gun. I told her she now had to write a story out of those five words, which she readily did. We then spent the next hour or so giving each other a group of words to create a short, paragraph-or-so long story out of. The only rule was that all words had to be used, and we could not alter the word in any way (no pluralization or anything). The following is the result of such hour:




1st- Daughter's

Words: Word, Blah, Dry, Spray Paint, Glue Gun



One time a glue gun met a spray paint bottle and they spray painted the door. It didn't dry, so the glue gun did its magical powers and said one word. The word was "Blah", and the door dried.



2nd- Mine

Words: Paint, Crab, Shoe, House



One beautiful, sunny day Rhiannon thought it was too nice to stay in the house. She decided to go take a walk along the seashore. She kicked one shoe off and dug her toes into the sand, then did the same with the other foot. While enjoying the feel of warm sand on her feet, she felt something hard. She looked down and saw an old discarded crab shell. She picked it up and felt the smooth surface. The whole thing was intact and relatively undamaged. She took it home with her to paint and use as a decoration in her tropical themed room.



3rd- Daughter's

Words: Pink, Tired, Bird, Towel, Monkey



One sunny Sunday I went to my pink room and saw a monkey! I grabbed the monkey and went outside. My mom said she made one tire blue. She didn't even notice the monkey I had. We were going to the beach. I got my monkey towel out of the house. When I went outside I saw a blue bird. When we went to the lake it was closed! So we went to Long Lake instead.



4th- Mine

Words: Crush (towards the end of my writing, she informed me it was the brand name of Orange Crush, not the verb), Bag, Car, Phone, Orange



I had always loved the color orange. Everything I had was that color. But, there came a time when I thought maybe it was time to branch out a bit and try new things. When I bought my car, I opted for pink instead. Then I started wearing ruffles and bows, and even blinged out my cell phone! I bought a huge, expensive bag to carry all the stuff I bought in. It was so big it could crush you! I saw myself in the mirror one day, and realized how much I had changed. I ran outside screaming!! I traded my pink car for an orange truck, my blinged out phone for a plain one, my giant bag for a small one, and drank down an Orange Crush! Phew! It's good to be me again!



5th- Daughter's

Words: Dog, Eyeball, Sidewalk, Purple, Flower



One day I got a dog, and the dog's eyeball was purple!! So we walked on the sidewalk to the car to see the doctor. The doctor said that the dog is very special.


"It can turn into anything!"


"Wow!" I said.


"And it can live forever!"


"I love this dog!" I yelled.


Then we went back home and I grew a flower garden.




6th- Daughter's

Words: Sky, Helicopter, Child, Bunny, Elevator



In the sky was a helicopter and a child was stuck on it. I took my huge moving elevator and my flying bunny to rescue the child. I got in it and the elevator went up to the helicopter and the flying bunny flew to us. I told the child to get in and she did. We went down and saved her! Yay!



(Please note that at the end she drew a very cute flying bunny to illustrate her story)



7th- Mine

Words: Bed, Floaty (the little mats people float on in lakes and pools), Shirt, Foot, Purse



Today we went to the lake. My daughter would have probably preferred to stay in bed, but I said "Too bad!" and we went anyway. I grabbed my purse and we all climbed in the car. I stopped for some gas, snacks, and even bought a floaty for each of the kids. My son took off his shirt and sprayed sunblock on. The mist from the spray got on my foot. Then my daughter did the same. Both of them ran to the water and had a great time!





* They wound up having a good time, and reluctantly agreed that it had been better than being closed up in the house all afternoon! 

   Well, today my boyfriend is off galavanting with pin-up girls and hot rods.   I was suppose to be at the lake with my kids, but they've decided they want to waste this gorgeous day sitting inside on the computer.  Which, I guess is what I've resorted to now, as well. 

  It's frustrating.   They always complain that they are bored, but every time I try to do something with them, I get balked at.   How do other parents do this?  How do you get your kids outside and active?  I try, but they just stand there, balk, complain, etc...  I'm thinking about just making them go anyway, but then I'll drive all the way out there only for them to sit there and whine about how bored they are. 

What do you do when you feel like you are the only one that is fighting for something?  What about when the other side refuses to fight at all?    It's not surrender.  It's a complete lack of interest.  Do you continue to fight when you are pretty positive that the other side could care less?

Is it still worth it if they don't care?   How about when they just sit over there and taunt you.  Throw your own insecurities in your face and laugh?  Belittle you and continue to hurt you? 

Are we no longer on the same side?

Does any shred of what I'm fighting for even still exist?

Or should I just give up?

I don't have my laptop, and it is affecting my blogging! My writing, period! There is something to be said for being able to snuggle up into the corner of the couch, with a cup of whatever I'm drinking next to me, a blankie on my feet, and my laptop portable with all of my little twisting and tossing and turning. It just goes along with the flow.

This computer is loud. The positioning of the keyboard and mouse hurt my wrists and neck, and the chair is horribly uncomfortable.

Anyway, I thought I should pop in and write something, because, well, I'm suppose to.

My laptop is in the techy hospital. The screen kept turning blue on me. No- not the blue screen of death, which I discovered exists when I was trying to explain to the gal at the GeekSquad what was happening. I said, "I keep getting a blue screen." Which is exactly what happens. But I guess in the tech language, that refers to a horrible blue screen of death. I hear it's pretty grotesque.

Mine is not that.

The graphics just turn blue while I'm using it. I can still "use" it, it just hurts my eyes and pisses me off, since the thing is barely even 2 months old! Thank goodness for warranties!

So, I took it in. I figured it would be a couple of hours, maybe overnight. That was Tuesday. It is now Thursday evening. The service paperwork we received on it gives a estimated completion time of the 29th. That's 7 more days away!! *cry*

My next big purchase very well might be a new desktop.

1.  Do you often lose sleep worrying about work?
     I guess that depends on what exactly is considered "worrying about work".  I sometimes worry about special projects I have to do, such as the training sessions I'm suppose to put together over the next couple of months.  Teaching / training is not in my comfort zone, so I am having a hard time with that one.  But usually, my concerns over work- the stuff that makes me lose sleep- is the desire to not be working, the question as to whether I'll ever be able to stay-at-home while my kids are still living at home. 

2.  When you're with friends, do you find yourself talking about work?
     Sometimes.  We all talk about work.  Most of us work a lot with the public, so we often have stupid, silly or scary stories about our dealings with them.  I don't necessarily view talking about work as a negative.  Perhaps they more meant do I find myself complaining about work, which I don't do very often.

3.  Before you've finished one project, are you already thinking about the next one?
    I have about 30 projects that I am wanting to work on, or started to work on, or bought all the stuff to start working on-  and none of them are done.  What does that tell ya?

4.  Do you put your personal life "on hold" in order to tend to business?
    Only if it's stuff specifically for me.  I have a hard time doing stuff just for me.  Yoga is the closest I have to being selfish for the sake of me.

5.  Are you jealous of other people's achievements?
    Yep. 

6.  When you've achieved a goal or obtained something you've worked hard for, do you take the time to enjoy the accomplishment?
     I will try, but- as mentioned in my previous post- I will immediately start tearing myself down, focusing more on what I have not done instead of what I have.

7.  Are you too busy to cultivate a hobby?
    I try to make time for my hobbies, but most of the time I just wind up feeling like a failure at them, so I give up.

8.  Do you often work through lunch?
    Hell no.  I need to eat! 

9.  Does success mean being the first to embrace the latest trend, owning the latest model car or gadget, or having more than your neighbors?
    No, not necessarily., though it would be nice to at least be on par... 

10.  Do you fear that everything you've worked for will be lost if you don't give it your constant attention?
    I don't really feel like I've achieved anything, so I don't really have it to lose.  Unless you mean relationships.  If that is the case, then yes.  I am constantly in concern of my relationships breaking down, or ending.  Whether it be relationships with my boyfriend, children, friends or family. 




So, the idea for this quiz is that, if you answer "yes" to more than half of these questions, that you don't spend enough time thinking about what will make you truly happy.  Since I think there is really only one that I answered no to, I may be in trouble. 

Do I know what would make me truly happy?   No.  Not even a little.  According to this, I need to locate my inner peace.  No duh.

So, I am suppose to make a list of all of the activities that give me a sense of peace.  Right down to the simplest of activities.  Then I am to make it a priority to schedule a couple of these activities into my schedule.  

Peace-giving Activities:

1.  Playing with my kids.
2.  Digging for hidden treasures on the beach.
3.  Lying on a grassy field watching clouds.
4.  Sunbathing (in the sun, which is virtually non-existent here!)
5.  Hiking through the woods.
6.  Gardening.
7.  Reading.
8.  Shopping the thrift stores.
9.  Lunch / dinner with friends.
10. Having a clean house.
11. Turning the radio up loud and singing along just as loud.
12. Dancing.
13. Walking on the treadmill.
14. The smell of the air after it rains.
15. Splashing in puddles.
16. Yoga.
17. Candlelight (esp. if they are scented)
18. Taking pictures.
19. Writing (when it flows).
20. The smell of clean sheets.

As part of my “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” workbook, I took the “Make Peace with Imperfection” quiz. After 30 questions analyzing how picky I am, I got the outcome:


“You’re fairly easygoing.”

Ok.

What it didn’t do was break down where my perceived imperfections are. So I looked for myself. Most all of my “10” answers (the bad ones) were dealing with my perceptions of myself.

Duh.

I usually see others and see all of their accomplishments. I envy the way they live, speak, dress, look, parent, etc... I can’t see those things in myself. When I do happen across something good, it is short lived. I usually rip it apart within moments.



I think some part of me doesn’t think I deserve to be happy. I know that part of me thinks that. I feel it rear its head every time I honestly smile. Whenever I am at a point where I am honestly happy, even for a moment, it shows up to knock me down a few rungs. To make me question what it is that I’ve done to think that I should be happy. It shows me all those failures, everything that I haven’t done yet.



So yeah… in viewing others, I am very easygoing. But when it comes to me, I am a horrible critic and enemy. I am working towards changing this. It is hard, though.

  Father's Day is hard for me.   It is a day that comes once a year to remind me that my dad gave up on me.  He turned his back on me at the point in my life when I needed my father the most.  He chose his alcohol and his girlfriend instead of his own children.  He chose to embrace her children, her ideals, her future, instead of ours. 

  I have given up on any type of reconciliation with my dad.  I know it will never happen.  The last time I saw him, he sat- bouncing my three-year old son on his lap- and proceeded to tell my husband what a horrible, worthless child I was.  I never tried again.  He is obviously oblivious to his role in the way I was.  He takes absolutely no responsibility for the pain, anger, hurt and betrayal I felt from him.  For the way he would talk me down instead of trying to talk me up.  For pointing out my weaknesses instead of my strengths. For telling me I would wind up being nothing, instead of telling me I could be whatever I wanted.

He use to do all those things.   He use to be the greatest dad in the world.  I loved the crap out of him.  He did his best for us.  That all changed when he met his now-wife.   I had nothing against him having girlfriends.  I had nothing against this one being black.  I could care less.  I liked him having girlfriends.  I liked him having a life.  But this one.. from the moment she walked through the doors, it was like a whirl of ice followed her.  She looked down on all of us.  None of us were worthwhile.  She disagreed with my dad's parenting style, although we were all acing all of our classes, and had never once been in trouble with the law.  Her children, however, we all either dealing drugs, in jail, or teenage mothers.   But, her parenting style was much more effective and appropriate? 

No.. I didn't like her.  And she made it very clear that she hated me.  Was it because of how much I reminded my dad of my mom?  Was I "competition"?  I don't know.  I do know that one of her sons tried to pimp me out to his friends, to the point where they would come over- money in hand.  I was twelve.  Another constantly touched me inappropriately, and yet another tried to rape me more than once.  I was lucky enough to always have had someone show up to interrupt him before it actually happened.  Then he would laugh and tell them he was just kidding.  He wasn't kidding.   But, my dad didn't believe me.  He told me I was lying- making it up to cause problems.  Then he threw me out of the house.

I don't know what happened to him.  I don't know how, in one summer, she warped his head so completely.  She turned him into a completely different person, and he let her.  Well, I guess they are happy now.  They have their property out where ever, and he has her children, and grandchildren, to raise.   And I am left sitting here, wondering where my real dad went.  Where the guy I used to love more than the earth and skies and everything beyond went.  The guy who holds the little girl so tenderly... why did he let go? 

Happy Father's Day. 

Sometimes no words speak everything you need to know.  

 I've been trying to destress myself lately.  I've been having a really hard time letting things go and focusing on the positives.   At a previous trip to Barnes and Noble, I bought a "Don't Stress the Small Stuff" workbook.   There is a quiz inside to gauge how much we focus on stressors.  I got the "lowest" stress score.  The same thing happened on another "stess" quiz I took. 

  This amazes and scares me at the same time. 

It amazes me, because I absolutely cannot get myself to relax, or get my mind to shut off.  I also don't feel like I really have a good outlet for venting a lot of this stuff.  It's too personal, and I don't want to just make things worse.   So, all this crap bottles up inside of me.  Unfortunately, this bottle isn't very strong, and leaks spring up all the time.  Usually I can tape it over, or maybe use a little clear nail polish to fill them in.   But, it's not going to hold forever.

It scares me, because if I'm at the "You rarely stess the small stuff" category, then I cannot even fathom what those in the "You let the small stuff get to you too often" go through.  

I don't pretend to have huge issues.  I know people who have serious illnesses in their family life.  I know of homeless people, abused people, people who lose loved ones, etc... and I am not one of those people.  I know that I should be more thankful for the things I do have, and I do try.  I'm just not very good at it.  This just leads me deeper into that stress- that depression- because it makes me feel like a horrible person that I cannot.   I know I need to make changes- in myself, in my lifestyle.  Things that might help me find that peace that I want so badly.  It is hard to know what changes are a step in the right direction, and what will lead me deeper down.   It's hard to balance what I want with what is finacially feasible. 

A week or so ago, I began a bucket list to help me focus on the "big" things I want.  However, for this quest, I think I need to be a bit more focused; more detailed.   Get right into the nitty gritty of every aspect of my life and my being, and dig into it.  Find what I really want, and what I think I really need, and what I think will help get me there.

   My daughter had to do a writing assignment detailing her life from birth to present.   She sat asking me about her past, what we did,  special memories, etc...   And I couldn't remember anything.  The more I sat and watched her hopeful expression the more like an asshole I felt.  Here she was wanting all those cool moments in time, and there was nothing for me to express.

  Well, nothing positive.  There were plenty of "bad" memories.  But no "good" ones.  No vacations, no special occasions, and anything else that happened, I couldn't remember.  It makes me feel absolutely horrible. 

  I want to change that, but I just can't afford it.   And now, I have to weigh that with my own desires.  I really, REALLY want to be a stay-at-home mom.  I always have.  This whole working thing was suppose to be temporary.  But, it's not looking like it's going to end anytime soon, and that's screwing with my mental health.   However, if I ever want to be able to take my kids on an actual vacation, I can't stop working.  I have no idea when Dustin is going to go get a job, and unemployment isn't going to last forever, so I have to make sure I have some kind of stable income coming in. 

  I want to give my kids those special memories.  I want them to be able to point to specific moments and saw "That was amazing!".  

I'm starting to think that this condition I put upon myself to write every day may have been a mistake.  Well, I know it's not a mistake, but it has been proving to be much more frustrating than I had anticipated.  I envisioned myself picking up all sorts of random ideas or topics to write about, but when I go to do the deed, my mind is blank.  I am sitting in one of those old school desks-  the type that have the table that lifts, and is attached to the chair.  It's hard and uncomfortable and my tailbone hurts.  I stare at that stupid black chalkboard in front of me, but nothing is on it.  I can see the powdery white of words long past, erased over and over, but nothing is there now.  I do not even see any chalk on the rim.  Just the dusty old eraser. 

(*Side note:  I tried like hell to find a picture to convey what I just wrote, and I could not for the life of me find something that fit...  Perhaps an idea for a certain photographer I know....  provided we can find an old desk and chalkboard...)

Grrrr...

I still have not bought my dream journal, and I think I'm about to throttle myself.  Dreams are always an easy one to bounce off of.  If nothing else, I can use them to write.. just write my dream in as much detail as I can remember.  They are fascinating sometimes, and it distresses me to no end that I cannot remember them.   Sweet, beautiful butterflies in my broken net.   Some mending needs to be done.  I keep saying I need to get over my fear of my sewing machine.

I've been thinking a lot about birds lately.  How they fly, so free.  It's cliche, but I cannot help it.  It tugs at my heart, and I've had to turn away lest cry inside (and maybe outside).  Then there is the raven that was tearing up the chicken bone left wire-bound to the sign post at the marina....  that was fascinating and disturbing at the same time.  Sometimes I identify with that one, too...   not necessarily with the food aspect, but with the fierceness of desire, and sense of entitlement, I guess.

Water captures my attention just as the birds do.  So, when I sit down at the marina dock, I am pretty much lost in thought- my focus crashing with the waves or flying with the seagulls...   They fill me with a deep sense of longing... as if there is something I have lost right there within my grasp..  Sometimes it's with that sense of freedom; a break from responsibilities, duties, expectations.  

Where oh where has this blog gone?

I wanted to watch a movie about dragons, but had to write instead.  Dang nabbit. 

I'm done.

 I'm suppose to be writing every day, and lately I've been having a severe lack of ideas.  I think it's because I wait until so late to start thinking about it, so instead of being able to focus on an actual topic, I'm thinking more about still having to take a shower, get leftovers put away, dishes washed, and being able to go to bed in a timely manner ( I heart my sleep!)   I know I need to start doing this earlier.  At least on the days that I have the earlier time free.  Or, keep a notepad nearby so I can jot down ideas.

  I try to have people give me ideas, but more often than not they wind up being way too involved in storyline or thought, and don't fit the need that I need them for.   Sometimes something strikes the right chord in me, and I can pull it off to an acceptable note (like the turtle and penguin  story I wrote for Dustin).  Other times, it just fills my stomach with dread trying to come up with the scenarios surrounding it.  However, I do keep them all filed away in a little box in my head (or document on my computer) for later use, because I never know when suddenly that idea will work! 

  The other day I got a part of my actual story I'm working on written, and it's even pretty much satisfactory.  For now anyway.  But I don't read it and hate it, like some other parts.  I'm trying not to focus on that at this point though.  The goal is to get the story written down, and then I can go back and beef it up.  Switch stuff around.  Whatever.  My biggest concern with this, however, is that some of my goings over have contributed to major changes in story line, and if I have already written it, then it's huge rewrites.  I am viewing it as just more experience, though.   That if I hadn't written what I changed, then maybe I never would have thought of the change to begin with.   Whatever keeps me going, I guess.

Like dreams of making it big!  Authors are one of those great areas where you can be super rich and have your name be famous, without everyone really knowing what you look like.  So I can still go out to eat, go to a movie, shopping, whatever.  

Dreams... gotta love them.

Speaking of which, I really do need to go buy myself a notebook and pen to keep by my bed to record my dreams in.  Some great ideas have come from my dreams.  Well, pretty much every honest story I've started writing (or have ambition for) have come from dreams.  In creative writing class in high school, my best stuff came from dreams.   So, I need to be better about keeping track of them.  The best part is- the more I keep track of them, the more vivid they become.  And the easier to remember all those little details. 

Ok, well that's my post for today.  Hey, at least I came here and wrote something, eh?

  In my quest for happiness, etc.. blah blah blah, I decided that I should have a bucket list.  A to-do list for my life.  I like the idea of having a list that I can look at, to help point me along the paths I should be taking.  I am in the beginning stages of two separate lists-  one that pertains just to things I want to accomplish, and another that pertains to things I'd like to accomplish with the family.   I figure this will help me plan vacations, or even just see where I need to work towards.  I still need to sit down with the kids and get their wish lists to help add to that list.  In any event, for those of you interested, here are my two lists as they've been completed thus far:

Bucket List (Personal)


1. Finish writing Bone & Silver

2. Publish Bone & Silver

3. Write another book

4. Learn how to speak / write Latin

5. Learn how to crochet or knit

6. Take a cruise

7. Visit every state in the U.S.

8. Visit the pyramids in Egypt

9. Visit Rome

10. Visit Australia

11. Learn to salsa dance

12. Stay in a 5-star hotel

13. Go to the beaches on Hawaii

14. See a volcano

15. Learn to spin on the spinning wheel

16. Own my own home

17. Ride a train

18. Lose 40 pounds

19. Keep the weight off!

20. Learn how to sew clothing

21. Become debt free (fix my credit report!)

22. Stay in a haunted house (or hotel)

23. Learn how to and actually make my own liquors

24. Teach myself to write left-handed

25. Learn to drive a stick-shift

26. Be able to do the splits

27. See Stonehenge

28. Go on a safari

29. See a ballet

30. See an opera

31. Get acupuncture

32. Learn to shoot my bow

33. Take singing lessons

34. See the original Mona Lisa

35.  Write everyday

36.  Work on (and complete!) at least one craft per week

37. Buy a brand new car

38. Take singing lessons





Bucket List (with family)

1. Places to visit:

a) Disneyland

b) Disney world

c) Sea World

d) San Diego Zoo

e) California Redwoods

f) Vegas

g) New York City

h) Statue of Liberty

i) Grand Canyon

j) Yosemite

k) Hawaii

l) Mount Rushmore



2. Go on a picnic

3. Go camping

4. Go geocaching

5. Teach the kids to drive

6. Do science experiments from the books we bought

 
 
  Do you have a bucket list?  I'd love to hear any suggestions, or what you would like to accomplish before you "kick the bucket".

   Maybe not necessarily always a blog post. Once again I have decided that I need to write every day.  Before I am allowed to go to bed, no matter how miserable and tired I am, I have to write something- be it a blog post, journaling or part of my story, it has to be something more than just a status update on Facebook.  Even if I just go to one of my blogger sites and bitch about how much it's pissing me off that I decided to do this!

  Today's topic is not as riveting as me having a temper tantrum.  Today's topic is teeth, and the oh-so-dreaded trip to the dentist. You see, I have not been to the dentist in, oh, let's say, ten(ish) years.  Recently (recent being over the past few months) my teeth have been really bothering me.  A couple weeks ago, my jaw gave out tremendous pain while chewing, to the point where I thought I was going to have to call Dustin home and have him take me to the urgent care.  It wound up going away on its own, but my teeth have still been very sensitive, especially while eating. The last time I had been to the dentist, they had warned that I was heading down the path of root canals.  So, understandably, I've been terrified of going to have my teeth looked at.  I was pretty sure I was in store for a lot of pain being dealt to my mouth, and a lot of money pouring out of my pocket. 

My sister recommended I go see a new dentist she had just found.  So, I called and made an appointment.  It snuck up all ninja-like on me today, and I think I almost had an anxiety attack, although I think I kept my cool pretty well.  Dr. Bloomquist took a look at my films, pointing out what she saw.  Apparently the joints in my jaw are not the greatest, but neither are they of concern (at least not yet).  She said everything on the film looked good.  She then proceeded to make me say "Aaaaaahhhhhhhggggghhhhh".   She dug around in there, poking with that stupid little pointy metal thing that always reminds me of pottery class (those dental tools rocked in that class!  You know, when they aren't poking at my teeth!).   And then I got the news....


I have a tiny, intsy bitsy cavity on the back of my very last tooth in the back of my mouth.  So small, it hadn't shown up on the film.  So small that I had the option of not even doing anything about it and seeing what happened.  I opted to get it filled, and that will happen next week (hopefully while under a lot of numbing agents, and I even have the option of some anti-anxiety meds.  I'm a pretty big freakin' wuss....).  Then, I am in dire need of a cleaning.  We decided it will be like power-washing the house.. when you can visibly see the crap coming off....  so that was lovely. 

And that's it.  After all this pain, suffering, agonizing and terror... I have a small little cavity.  She says the pain and sensitivity are probably due to the tartar build-up.  I guess they cause pressure on the nerves or something... I forgot to listen after hearing I only had one teensy cavity.  I was still in shock.. waiting for the horrible news about having to rip all my teeth out and put in metal pointy replacements (that's totally what I would have gone after if that had been the case... how cool would that be?!). 

So, Dr. Bloomquist was awesome, and I am thankful my sister recommended her.  And I'm still flabbergasted that I don't have more wrong with me.  She told me I have beautiful teeth.  I've heard that from all 3 dentists I've ever been to.  Guess I got lucky in that department, thank goodness!! 

  So, the "Rapture" came and went, with nothing insomuch as a firework to display it.  At least not around here.  Although, we did have a wedding going on across the street.   I thought that was sweet.  Hey, if by some miracle the dude was right, what better place to be, then surrounded by friends and family celebrating love? 

  In any event, though I did not believe the world was going to fall apart, while the "good" were risen up into Heaven, it did make me stop and think "What if?"   What if it did happen?  Where would I stand?  If I had to stand before an ultimate judge, where would I go?  Now, I do not believe in the Christian God... let me rephrase.. I do not believe that he is "Ultimate".  However, I do believe in spiritual powers out there that are higher than anything us mortals could ever wrap our little minds around.  Hell, I am certain that the animals have a closer understanding to "God" than we do.  Animals, and babies.  But I digress... that is another blog post...

 My point is that I do think we are "judged", though maybe not in the "This soul gets to go to Heaven and this soul gets to go to Hell" sort of way.  But I believe our life is a lesson of choices and actions.. and the next life we embody is a result of those choices.  Maybe not completely karmatic, as some believe, but to an extent, I do think so..  So, if the world ended tomorrow... if just my world ended tomorrow... How would I be judged?  How would I judge me? 

 I do not think I am necessarily a bad person, but lately I have not felt like much of a good one, either.  As I mentioned in another post, I've become too bitter, too hardened in the heart.  I judge others too harshly, too soon.  I use to be the great balancer.. the great "there are two sides to every story, if not more" person.  I always tried to see from the other person's eyes before making judgements..  but not anymore.  I make judgements before I even know the person, sometimes before they even say a word.  This fact makes me feel very little and shallow.  I've tried to change it, but it's not an easy task.  I've been wronged a time or two, and I think those scars are a bit deep.  I've had too many take advantage of my trustfulness, of my giving nature, to the point where they've taken it all from me.  Now the task is to find it again.. rekindle that flame of good-naturedness and love and trust, and to let it burn bright again.  The battle is finding out how to do so...

  They say that if you smile at one person, you can change an entire day... and I believe it to be true.  I want to start by just smiling more.  To take the time to stop and listen again... to the people I love, to those who I've never met who cross my path, to those I work with, and even sometimes just to listen to nothing.. because everything has a voice, and everything has a story to tell.  I want to hear them.  I want to smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person... I want to be a part of that domino effect.  I want my domino effect to be a positive one... not a negative one.  

  Slowing down.. that's something I need to remember how to do.  I need to let myself realize that life will still go on if the dishes sit in the sink and I take the kids to the park instead.  That the money is going to be spent, so I should take solace in spending it creating memories instead of flushing it on something we'll never remember even an hour from now.   That I do not have to be perfect... it's okay not to be perfect..  

 So, Mr. Rapture dude... maybe your calculations were wrong, and you were not lifted on the wings of angels up to Heaven, but maybe you caused others to do the same as me.  Maybe you changed the way some think.. caused them to reevaluate what is really important to them.  And while the changes in us may not be significant, even one small thing being reworked to a more positive way is a step in the right direction...

   I have noticed that since I actually started using Facebook on a regular, daily basis, my blogging has been flushed right down the toilet.  I put little thoughts on Facebook, so blogging feels a bit redundant.  Everyone who reads this is on my Facebook (at least as far as I know), so you've already heard it!   The stuff that doesn't make it on Facebook, well..  I was taught the whole "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.." idea.   So, yeeeaaahhh......   Then I also have the guilt associated with feeling like if I am in a mood for writing, then it should be focused on my story, and not a stupid blog.  

  That said, I'm going to whine for awhile.  It's fair warning, so you can bolt now and save your ears. 

  I've turned into such a cynical person.  I didn't use to be like this.  I use to be a very optimistic, trusting, loving person.  I always saw the good in people, and judged off the good, not what I perceived to be the bad.  I don't know where that was lost, but somewhere along the way it went a different way.  My bread crumbs, maybe... eaten up by the crows.   I want it back.  I was much happier when I wasn't so cynical.  When everything was beautiful and full of hope, instead of grey and lacking.

  I know it's a matter of rewiring my thinking.  I need to stop myself when I feel myself thinking negative thoughts. Redirect them to find the positive in the situation, instead.  The problem is:  I've been trying to do that, but there are some things I just don't see any silver lining in at all.  Some use to have some silver, but silver will tarnish if left too long. 

  I'm also having a hard time with working.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  I found a wonderful job with an absolutely fantastic group of people.  I didn't think that kind of job existed out there.  But I have it.  Which makes my not wanting to work make me feel even worse, because I know how lucky I am to have it.  I have always been the type of person who preferred the life of a housewife, though.  I don't like having to be somewhere at a specific time/etc...  I hate when I have to miss the kids' stuff because of work, because I have no more sick time or vacation time.  I hate always being sick, and feeling like it's completely stress related.   Some of my happiest times were when I got to be a stay-at-home mom/housewife... cooking, cleaning, etc.  I know it sounds strange, but I really relish in that.  I hate feeling like I have two (three, four) jobs.  I have to work all day, then come home and clean (and sometimes cook), be a mom (which I adore), do laundry, etc etc etc.  But it stresses me out.  When I have down time, I no longer want to get out and do anything, I just want to sink into myself, emerge myself in something mind-numbing (games, no drugs!) and hibernate... hermitize myself.   Then I feel guilty for being unproductive and lazy.  When I stayed home, I was way more productive, and much less stressed out about it.  I could take a complete day off from housework, etc and just go play, and not feel like a jack-ass.  I was a more happy, relaxed person.

  Of course, the days when I was a housewife, I could afford it.  Well, maybe I should rethink that, too, because my ex-husband made just above minimum-wage, and we were fine.  Maybe it's just a matter of rethinking and reevaluating what I deem to be important and necessary in my life.   Where can I pinch and will it really hurt if I do?

 

 Ok.. enough of that off my mind.  Next time I will talk about something less whiny!  Or I'll at least pass out some cheese and crackers to go with it!

  Today my Pumpkin turns 14.   Wow.. where does the time go??  The other day I was sifting through some old pictures of the kids when they were younger.  Time sure does fly by in an instant, doesn't it?  I was reflecting on all the choices I've made as a mother.  I wish I could have been smarter about it when he was little.  I did a lot of stupid, stupid things.  I made some very unwise decisions.  But, throughout it all, I must have done okay, because my kid is phenomenal.  I wish I could hug him right now, but he's at his dad's.  I will see him later for his party today though. 

  If I had it to do all over again, would I?  I definitely wouldn't change when I had him.  He came at the perfect time.  I do truly believe he saved my life, and I tell him that all of the time.  I was on a very bad path, and if he had not have shown up when he did, who knows where I would have landed.  I'm pretty certain it wouldn't have been somewhere good.  I was able to stop all of that bad stuff the instant I found out I was no longer responsible for just myself anymore.  There was a little person in me that I needed to care for.  Now it was about that one. Not me. 

  He was such a wonderful baby.  Even though his entry into this world was a bit tremulous.  Not for anything wrong with him.  He was perfect.  But the stupid doctor I had was a moron.  No, Pumpkin was an absolute delight.  I never had the problems with incessant crying.  He slept in my bed until I decided it was time for his toddler bed, which he moved into without a fuss.  Then his big boy bed in his own room thrilled him instead of scaring him.   He would get up in the morning, and go quietly turn on the television and stay super quiet to let me sleep in.  He was (and still is) such an angel. 

Of course, he is a boy, and boys are accident prone.  We had the time they had to straight-jacket him to clean globs of dirt out of his eye.  The time he almost cut his toe off.  The time he was learning to walk, and fell in the emergency room while we were waiting for his grandma and split his head open...  Not to mention his belly button, the inch-long wire of bracing wire sticking him in the mouth for three days, and the infamous toe incident.
 
  He is the bestest big brother.  He was so thrilled for his baby sister.  And he helped me out as much as a three-year-old possibly could with her. 

I love you, my ninja Pumpkin!  Remember I am always here for you, NO MATTER WHAT!  You are reaching that age where everyone says the turbulence comes in.  Of course, they said that about you when you were younger, too, and it never happened.  I hope our relationship always stays strong and true.   I LOVE YOU!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I made a new writing blog. It's pretty. Find it here: Thaydra Writes. I'll try to actually keep up with it. We'll see. I make no promises. I mean, look how often I post here! Bwahahahaha! No really.. I'll try. That one is more important!

"Who the hell you callin' crazy? You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Fruit Loops on your front porch"

Things have been crazy around here lately. Pretty much almost literally. That's still yet to be decided. A few Saturdays ago, while walking back down to the ferry after a day at the Pacific Science Center, my son told me that he's been hearing voices ("yes", "no", and his name) for a couple years. Over the previous two days, he'd been hearing screaming. Now, for those of you who do not know us, his paternal grandmother is a paranoid schizophrenic. So, naturally, this news was pretty disturbing. What was more scary, was the thought that it was something other than schizophrenia, because if it was, then what was it? We have more than a couple friends that have been diagnosed with brain tumors and the like, so we know the real possibility of that happening. I think this is what scared us the most.

Doctors visits were made. Trips to Kitsap Mental Health were made. An MRI was done. Blood work was done. Urine tests were done. The first urine test came back positive for opiates. This scared the crap out of my son, as he could not think of anywhere he could have been exposed to something like that. He went in for a second test, which came back clean. We have an appointment tomorrow to go over the results of all the urine, blood and the MRI. The visit with the therapist produced nothing. Not for lack of trying; There is simply nothing they can find that fits his symptoms.

I take this as positive news though. I've talked with a mom whose son produced similar symptoms, and was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder, along with food allergies that they believe caused it. I spoke with another friend who stated he had the exact same symptoms when he was about fifteen, that wound up being stress-induced, and was "cured" by some simple stress-relieving strategies. So, there are things that can cause it, that are not deadly or life-altering. Simple steps can be taken.

The therapist is going to pass his file along to their in-house ARNP to go over. She specializes in mental health and children, along with the medical aspects that can cause symptoms that resemble mental health issues. When we spoke with his regular doctor about the medical rule-out the therapist wanted, his doctor looked blankly at me and asked what kind of tests they wanted.

Blink.

Blink.

Seriously??

So, we might have to search for a new doctor as well, which is sad, since it took me so long to find one. However, if he is asking me what tests he needs to run to search for medical reasons for auditory hallucinations, perhaps he is not the one I want to trust with our physical (and mental) well-being.



Now, add to all this excitement a stroke (a friend), a miscarriage (another friend), friendships that seem to be faultering, neighbors who have become a nuisance (although they haven't been harassing us lately, so that's a relief), etc etc etc, and my own mental health has become questionable (not that it was altogether intact to begin with!).

I'm thinking I might see Manson on my porch with a cereal bowl...

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I haven't been writing. I did really well for awhile (if 3 days counts as "awhile"), then my brain exploded. Too much stuff happens too quickly. One event is followed by another is followed by another. I got a book on self-improvement. More like self-chill-out. It's a workbook. I figure I should do that.

So many things roll around my head. Then, I try to decide where it's best put down. Then I realize that one can go here, one there, one maybe nowhere. By that time, my desire to write about it has passed, because all I want to do is stop thinking about it.

I'm sick of people getting sick. Strokes, cancer, mental issues. I've had about as much as I can handle. Pretty sure I have some mental issues of my own (and that isn't a joke). More and more kids with stuff wrong with them. It hurts my heart and makes me so angry.

Anyway, I will try to be more productive in the writing department. I think for my own sanity it has become a must. It's working on being a physical need, just like me setting my treadmill back up has been.

I think it might be time to call the doctor and look into getting anti-depressents again. It's been a few years since I've been on them, but I know the signs and symptoms, and it feels like they are coming 'round again.

I am just always tired. I have no motivation. I have such a hard time getting myself prepared to go to work. I drag my feet so much! And it's not like I have a crappy job. I have an absolutely wonderful job, with wonderful people. I am so lucky to have it. But, I don't want to go. I want to stay home, clean house, make dinner, etc etc etc. But I can't have that.

I don't feel any desire to read, or write. Those are probably my biggest sign that the depression is settling back in. Things I normally love are no longer of any interest to me.

I've noticed myself burrowing into my hole, not wanting to be social, not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. I have to force myself into it, mostly for the sake of my kids (such as going to Seattle to the Science Center). If not for them, I'd probably have become a hermit by now.

I know these things are not normal. It's not normal for me to sit here and sulk and find fault with everything about myself. It's not healthy.

So, maybe tomorrow I'll make that phone call.

I finally found an album I have been trying to remember for years now. I can't find it at Barnes and Noble, which is a bummer, since I have 2 gift cards from there. But just knowing the name of the band is awesome. It's one of those bands I listened to fanatically when I was about 15 years old, if not younger. I traded a family friend. I can't remember what album I gave him for it, but I think it might have been my Cinderella CD (the rock band, not the Disney princess!). I have fond memories of sitting on his couch or my couch (his name was Steve- another person whose last name I wish I remembered so I could find him), singing along to the songs at the top of our lungs, pretending we were rocking out on guitars. I loved that CD, and when I couldn't remember the name of them, it drove me crazy. And there was one song, that I knew was a remake of another popular band's song (turns out it was Kiss), and that is what ultimately led me to them.

That, and the fact that the morning snow has kept everyone away from the library today, and we are super quiet. Perfect for Internet browsing.



This is the album. Frolic Through The Park

*Updated! Gave feedback on each item.

Today I'm going to check one of those items off my list. Today I will spend my day preparing a whole gaggle of food. Mostly premade dinners that I can stick in the freezer, for quick and easy preparation on busy evenings. Also on the menu are some after-school (or work) lunch snacks, and a granola-type bar for help in getting me to start eating in the mornings.

I wish I could remember where I got all of the recipies from, so I can link them. I will give links to the ones I have. If you are interested in any that I don't have a link for, just let me know, and I'll send you the recipie!

The menu consists of:

1. Pizza Bites - These came out alright, but I would make them a bit different if I make them again. I would definately use cubed cheese instead of shredded. I would also cut the squares bigger to make for easier folding. Also, I would add a dab of pizza sauce to each one. Not sure they were worth the effort put into making them though.

2. Cheeseburger bites - ditto the pizza bites.

3. Oatmeal Peanut Butter Trail Bars - these came out pretty good I think. I didn't put in the raisins, since no one here likes them, save Dustin. I might make another batch with raisins in it. Also, they taste like they'd be superb with the cranberries.

4. Mini Turkey Meatloaves - So far these look like they came out great. I got a chance to taste a bit from the pan, and they are yummy. I cooked them, then wrapped them in tin foil, sealed them in a plastic bag, and froze them. Hopefully they reheat well.

5. Spinach Lasagna Rolls - These came out looking delicious. I really cannot wait to see how they come out when I make them!

6. Skinny Italian Spinach Meatballs - These taste like they'd be good with an alfredo sauce. I think next time I'll cut back on the amount of spinach. It was a bit overwhelming. But they were still tasty. I precooked them, then divided them into meal-portioned bags and froze them.

and

7. Spiced Honey Lemon Chicken - Pretty simple. I just whipped this up, divyed it up between a few different bags of chicken, then threw them in the freezer. We'll see how they come out!
If I have enough ingredients left over, I am going to try and make these, as well:

8. Tangy Beef Stroganoff- This one I should have completely read first, as you have to slow cook the beef for 8 hours in a crock pot before putting together. I didn't notice that until 2pm. So, I hope to get this one done Thursday.

9. French Toast Sticks Was going to make this one, then realized that I didn't have an extra bag of bread laying around like I thought I had! Coming soon!

and

10. Chicken Macaroni Bake- This looked and smelled so yummy when making it. Another one I can't wait to try. And it was super easy to make.

I'm thinking it sounds like a crazy day. Hopefully I get through them all, and I am really hoping that they are super tasty, and easy to prepare later on. It's my first time doing anything like this, and I'm hoping that a bit of work today will save me time and money throughout the month. Time, because I won't have to prep, or stand there staring at my pantry and fridge trying to figure out what to make. Money, because it'll cut down on all the going out to eat because I don't feel like making dinner. This way, I can just grab it and throw it in the oven. Done!

I am also wanting to try my hand at making Chicken and White Bean Enchiladas. Again, something I've never made before, but I don't think I'm going to pre-make this one. I've got all the stuff, and I think I might just make it for dinner this week. Maybe Friday, since that's a day I'm not running!

Again, I got most of these recipes from Once A Month Mom. You should go check it out. I am also really digging Gina's Skinny Recipies, where some of these also came from. I'll let you know how the day goes!

So, new year, new list of things to strive towards, right? I try not to set resolutions that are unattainable, or too stressful. Instead, I try and give myself reasonable goals to work towards throughout the year. A check-list to focus my attention and energies towards. This is my goal list for 2011:

1. As always, write more. Utilize TLR for writing prompts and exercises, and Thaydra.com for my story projects. Really dig into my storylines and bring them out. But, on the whole, just write. Even if it's just blogging.

2. Join a dance class. Hopefully with Dustin and some other friends and family. We were recently talking about swing class, which is something I've been interested in learning already. Otherwise, getting back into bellydancing would be great, too.

3. Join the yoga class down the road. At least go drop in on some classes and check it out- see if it's something I want to do.

4. Plan and make meals ahead of time, so that dinner is quick and easy on those busy nights. I've been following Once A Month Mom and have been totally inspired to give this a shot. Especially since she's starting the healthier menu plans as well.

5. Go to the dentist.

Time for me to go back and see how I did on my Resolution List last year. I'll put together another list for this year soon, but for now- The Results!

1. Write more. I had this last year, but I want to focus more on my stories, not only on my blog. I don't want to spend less time on my blog- just more on the stories.
I'm working on it, though I wouldn't necessarily call this a success.

2. Learn how to use my sewing machine. I would really like to learn how to make some of those clothes, purses, etc that I have the patterns and fabric for in there! All I need is the know-how!
Yeah, total fail on this one, though I do have someone who knows their stuff on this, and is going to come help me!

3. Continue to cook more at home, and cook healthy meals.
I think I've been doing okay with this one. I could do better, but I have been actually thinking about it in my choices, which is a good start.

4. Learn how to shop efficiently for healthy food and snacks.
Not sure I'd say yes I did to this, but again, I've been more aware in my choices, which helps me grab for the more healthy options, or realize that I am not really hungry, and not grab anything at all!

5. Make it a habit to eat breakfast, and choose (and bring) healthy snacks throughout the day. Yeah, this didn't happen.

6. Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! And not be discouraged if I don't "see" results. Let my body tell me how it's doing, maybe not visually, but internally.
I was actually doing rather well when I had my treadmill up, but since we've moved it's pushed aside until I have room to put it back up. I'm jonzing for it though!

7. Find some new parks. The ones I know of in the area have become dull to me, and even my kids. Time to move on to new and fresh.
We did look, and found one or two new ones that we like, though there really isn't anything right around here. I need to look closer to home.

8. Find some good hiking trails, and use them; get us all out there, breathing in that fresh air!
Last time I went on a hike, I twisted both of my ankles and am lucky I didn't break them. I'll get back to this once I buy some reasonable hiking shoes.

9. Go camping. I cannot remember the last time I went, and I miss it.
Sadly, this didn't get done, and I am kicking myself for it.

10. Go out with my family at least once a month. By family, I mean my brother and sisters, and mom and dad. We don't spend as much time together as we use to since I quit partying. I need to have them for dinner, or whatever.
I don't know if it's once a month, but I have been getting out more with them, which is awesome.

11. Start actually doing all those crafts I bought all the supplies for.
Started to.. mostly beading. I actually did a bunch this year. Not any of the other crafts though, although my daughter really got into crafting this past year... so she uses it, too!

12. Learn how to make more natural, environmentaly friendly products for cleaning, both the house and our bodies.
Haven't started yet, but still really want to. I did make some cleanser, but didn't like how it worked. I did buy one of the books with some great recipes in it, so one step closer!

13. Go see some live music. This shouldn't be as difficult as it's been for me. I know there's live music around here- I am just horrible about finding it.
Yeah, this one didn't work, either. However, I took my son to his first concert. That was pretty awesome!

14. Get the animals to the vet. This is one of those ones that really should have been done last year, but wasn't.
Check.

15. Figure out what is going wrong in my son's Language Arts class, and help him remedy it.
He's not in that class anymore. His teacher was very unresponsive for how much he'd talk. He's doing much better in his new class.

16. Help my daughter understand this math stuff.
I can't say it was me who did it, because I don't understand the stuff myself, but she's doing much better now.

17. Give a garden another shot, but read up on it more instead of just jumping in.
I was going to, but the weather killed it, and I just couldn't keep up on the weeds growing around it. I think I'm about done with the gardening. The flower garden did well, though!

18. Model more for Dustin.
I've done that. I've also backed off and let him have other models, for things I'm not really comfortable with, just because I should.

19. Get the shed cleaned out, gone through, and organized.
Does it count that this was done because we had to move? I say yes. *nod*

20. Get the boxes in my bedroom cleaned out, gone through, and reorganized.
I did do this. Before we moved even!



So, overall I didn't do very well. This year my goal list is going to be shorter, and more thought out. I'm not going to dwell on what I didn't get done, though. Instead I will feel good about what I did accomplish, and continue to work on what I've started, as well as incorporate some more!