~A Bitter Swallow~

  I'm trying to let things go.  I'm trying to not let things get to me, and just go with the flow.  It's hard, though.  It's hard to ignore my brain, and the way it's been my entire life.  It's hard to try and tell myself "It doesn't matter", when to me, it most certainly does.   Things affect me different then they seem to affect most people.  People don't see things with the same kind of eyes I do.  Their brain doesn't process it the same way mine does.  I am very much aware of this, and I try and be normal, like everyone else.  I smile and say "it's okay" when inside I'm seething.   I've tried to rewire my thinking.  I've tried to become all "zen" like everyone says I need to be-  I should be.   But it's not working.  I've been trying for years to be "okay" with things that normal, every-day people are not just "okay" with, but don't even bat an eye at.  It's so hard.  It's so hard to sit here and not say anything.  To just "work through it" so that everything can be kosher.  I bite my tongue, and try to just breathe.  

  I've tried to talk about how things affect me to other people, and I've gotten blank stares, or even worse, the "You are totally over-reacting" stares.  Or even words.. lol.     I get the "you're overreacting" quite a bit.  So, I try and tell myself this, so that I can be okay with things.  I try to make myself believe it.   But it doesn't seem to work that way.  People don't understand the way my mind works, and I can't make them understand how things that seem simple to them, or normal, or 'just how humans are' to them are torturous to me.   "Men will be men"  "It's just human nature" etc... these flippant sayings bear no meaning to me.   I cannot wrap my brain around them, so I cannot understand or accept them.  

  I'm trying to change.  I'm trying to be "normal".  I'm trying to be okay with things. I'm tying to "let go".   Just know that I'm trying.

  I posted this on my writing site, but thought it was cute enough to share here as well.  I decided that I was going to make my kids go to the lake, whether they like it or not! *

I took my kids to the lake today. After spending some time playing with his sister in the water, my son found a group of his friends and wandered off to hang out with them. My daughter lounged on the blanket with me in the sun. I motioned to my notebook, which I had brought with me to write in, and pointed out the entirely blank page. My daughter picked it up and began writing "Blah Blah Blah" on the pages. I was then talking to her about an art project I thought we should try. She picked out words from our discussion and wrote them down. The words were: Word, Blah, Dry, Spray Paint, and Glue Gun. I told her she now had to write a story out of those five words, which she readily did. We then spent the next hour or so giving each other a group of words to create a short, paragraph-or-so long story out of. The only rule was that all words had to be used, and we could not alter the word in any way (no pluralization or anything). The following is the result of such hour:




1st- Daughter's

Words: Word, Blah, Dry, Spray Paint, Glue Gun



One time a glue gun met a spray paint bottle and they spray painted the door. It didn't dry, so the glue gun did its magical powers and said one word. The word was "Blah", and the door dried.



2nd- Mine

Words: Paint, Crab, Shoe, House



One beautiful, sunny day Rhiannon thought it was too nice to stay in the house. She decided to go take a walk along the seashore. She kicked one shoe off and dug her toes into the sand, then did the same with the other foot. While enjoying the feel of warm sand on her feet, she felt something hard. She looked down and saw an old discarded crab shell. She picked it up and felt the smooth surface. The whole thing was intact and relatively undamaged. She took it home with her to paint and use as a decoration in her tropical themed room.



3rd- Daughter's

Words: Pink, Tired, Bird, Towel, Monkey



One sunny Sunday I went to my pink room and saw a monkey! I grabbed the monkey and went outside. My mom said she made one tire blue. She didn't even notice the monkey I had. We were going to the beach. I got my monkey towel out of the house. When I went outside I saw a blue bird. When we went to the lake it was closed! So we went to Long Lake instead.



4th- Mine

Words: Crush (towards the end of my writing, she informed me it was the brand name of Orange Crush, not the verb), Bag, Car, Phone, Orange



I had always loved the color orange. Everything I had was that color. But, there came a time when I thought maybe it was time to branch out a bit and try new things. When I bought my car, I opted for pink instead. Then I started wearing ruffles and bows, and even blinged out my cell phone! I bought a huge, expensive bag to carry all the stuff I bought in. It was so big it could crush you! I saw myself in the mirror one day, and realized how much I had changed. I ran outside screaming!! I traded my pink car for an orange truck, my blinged out phone for a plain one, my giant bag for a small one, and drank down an Orange Crush! Phew! It's good to be me again!



5th- Daughter's

Words: Dog, Eyeball, Sidewalk, Purple, Flower



One day I got a dog, and the dog's eyeball was purple!! So we walked on the sidewalk to the car to see the doctor. The doctor said that the dog is very special.


"It can turn into anything!"


"Wow!" I said.


"And it can live forever!"


"I love this dog!" I yelled.


Then we went back home and I grew a flower garden.




6th- Daughter's

Words: Sky, Helicopter, Child, Bunny, Elevator



In the sky was a helicopter and a child was stuck on it. I took my huge moving elevator and my flying bunny to rescue the child. I got in it and the elevator went up to the helicopter and the flying bunny flew to us. I told the child to get in and she did. We went down and saved her! Yay!



(Please note that at the end she drew a very cute flying bunny to illustrate her story)



7th- Mine

Words: Bed, Floaty (the little mats people float on in lakes and pools), Shirt, Foot, Purse



Today we went to the lake. My daughter would have probably preferred to stay in bed, but I said "Too bad!" and we went anyway. I grabbed my purse and we all climbed in the car. I stopped for some gas, snacks, and even bought a floaty for each of the kids. My son took off his shirt and sprayed sunblock on. The mist from the spray got on my foot. Then my daughter did the same. Both of them ran to the water and had a great time!





* They wound up having a good time, and reluctantly agreed that it had been better than being closed up in the house all afternoon! 

   Well, today my boyfriend is off galavanting with pin-up girls and hot rods.   I was suppose to be at the lake with my kids, but they've decided they want to waste this gorgeous day sitting inside on the computer.  Which, I guess is what I've resorted to now, as well. 

  It's frustrating.   They always complain that they are bored, but every time I try to do something with them, I get balked at.   How do other parents do this?  How do you get your kids outside and active?  I try, but they just stand there, balk, complain, etc...  I'm thinking about just making them go anyway, but then I'll drive all the way out there only for them to sit there and whine about how bored they are.