I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened since my last post. So much is still happening. I guess it's not really so "much" as it is rather significant things.
Right before Thanksgiving my landlady informed me that she sold the house and that I have until the end of January to move. This completely blindsided me. I knew that she had been considering selling the house. About a year or so ago she pulled me aside and told me that her and her husband had been discussing it. She then said that if they did decide to sell it, they would be offering it to me first. She told me they hadn't made any decisions regarding it yet, so not to worry about making a decision right away, but she wanted to plant the seed for later. So, I knew it was coming, but I completely expected her to offer it to me first. I HAD been thinking about it since that time, and while I had gone back and forth regarding it, I figured when the time came it would be worth it to talk about it more, see how much they wanted, etc... So, when she said it had been sold- it was a complete shock.
I've gone through a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts towards them regarding this. I've been upset, hurt, very angry... it's put me in a very difficult position. However, at this point I've just gotten to where it is what it is and I need to do what I need to do. I'm still hurt, upset, angry, etc... but I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm sure they have their reasons. Whatever. Nothing to be done.
My problem now is the position I'm in. This isn't the first time the owners of the house I was in either sold it or decided to move back in and I suddenly need to find another place. I've always been able to figure it out in the past. This time ... not so much.
Rent prices have skyrocketed. Meanwhile- my paycheck has not. Over the past few years, the cost of living has gone up so much that I found myself having to live off of my credit cards to make ends meet. This put me in a vicious cycle. I had begun to pull myself out of that cycle when I made my previous post. I believe I explained how the loss of my roommate put a big dent in that. However, I got the second job, and figured it would work itself out. The second job would take care of the income loss while I found a new roommate.
Now... that's all gone. The nature of the second job was too much for what is going on with me now. While it was bringing in some money, it was wildly inconsistent. And the demands of constantly being on call were taking their toll. The havoc on the social life aside- it's really difficult to pack, make appointments to look at places or meet with lenders, financial people, etc.. when you never know if you are going to be called in to a job. That's not even taking into consideration the interruptions of sleep, having to keep a constant eye on your phone and unable to "detach". At one point, I was under so much stress because of everything that I realized if I did not do something about something, I was going to be in serious trouble. I felt like it was only a matter of (short) time before I ended up having a stroke or something similar. I could feel the toll it was taking on my brain and my body and something had to give. The one thing I could control was the second job. So, I let it go. I need to find something that is more consistent with pay anyway. And taking the weight of never knowing if I was going to get called in off my shoulders allowed me some modicum of being able to relax a little.
I'm under too much stress. I'm under more stress than I have felt in a very long time. The prospect of being homeless is overwhelming in the literal sense. I look at rental postings, and it's laughable. The only thing I can afford is some tiny one-bedroom place. For three adults and two cats. Most places don't take animals. And when I tell them it will be three adults in that small space, they smile and nod and move on to the plethora of other single people who have shown interest.
{I know it's easy for people without animals to just say to get rid of them, but that is like telling you to just get rid of one of your family members. I'm trying to find someone who will be willing to take them until I get into a place of my own, but don't have a whole lot of options there. And before you start telling me to make the kids get jobs or move out... just don't. They are looking for jobs. I'm not kicking them out. If you feel like that means I deserve what is happening, then please just fuck off.}
My thoughts are jumbled. I wake up frequently throughout the night, and sometimes the weight of it all is too much. I can't sleep. It's what I think about when I wake. It's what I think about when trying to go to sleep. It's what I think about all day long. I'm looking for places. I'm looking for a new second job. The kids are both searching for jobs. We're running out of time. I've always been able to figure it out in the past, but I'm just not seeing any options anymore. It's scaring me. It's terrifying me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I'm exhausted. We're packing, but I don't know where we are packing for.
A couple of people have offered to come stay with them. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that burden. I just got my son back with me. I don't want to have to lose him again. I don't want to make my daughter have to share a room with her mother. I don't want to. I might have to.
I can't even express how much of a failure this all makes me feel like. I feel like I try so hard, but I just keep getting kicked. I keep telling myself that it will all make sense in the end- the Universe knows what She is doing. In a way, I can see how it's forcing me to do those things that I've been needing/wanting to do but haven't. But, it's going about in such a despairing way. I haven't cried so much in a very long time. I feel helpless. I am trying really hard to not let the depression take hold during this. It's a fight- let me tell you. Most days I'm winning. Some days are pretty damn bleak, and the thoughts that accompany those are not the greatest.
I don't like to talk about it with people. I don't feel the need to burden them with my issues. It's not their problem to solve. Besides, I hate crying in front of people. I don't want to be that negative person who just brings everyone down. So, I smile and joke through it, and pretend it's not too much of a problem. Probably not healthy, but why should I put that on them?
Part of me thinks it might be best to just own the shame, put my stuff in storage, and accept an offer of a friends house. Maybe this would help me save money- get those credit cards paid down / off. Get my credit score headed back up again. I'll have to deal with the toll it will take on me mentally/emotionally. I'm going to feel like such a god-damn loser. I am such a god-damn loser. Maybe it will allow me to pull myself out of it somehow though.
So, how do you ask for something like that? This is more than just asking for help- which I already have issues with. This is monumental. I don't like burdening them by just talking about it, so the idea of asking if my kid and I can move in?? I have no idea how long I'd have to stay. It might just be a month- it might be a year.
Fuck this sucks. I can't give up. I won't. I've been so tempted.. but I won't. I'm too stubborn for that. What doesn't kill you... right?
