~A Bitter Swallow~

  So.... I "started" that 100 Days of whatever.   I was supposed to be recording stuff, doing reviews, keeping track, holding myself accountable. 

Well here's an update.  So far:   I've completed one (1) day of it.  That was the first day.  It wasn't even a whole day.  I did some stuff on the list.  Of the list, the only thing I can remember for sure completing is an organization task- because I organized the coffee table that I sit at.  It's what you could consider my "desk" , I suppose. 

That's it. 

/sigh.

I have excuses.  That's all they are.  Excuses.  They are not good ones.  There's no reason as to why I didn't do more on this other than the fact that I'm stubborn and I didn't feel like it.  Sometimes I really need a good kick in the ass, you know?   Yes, you know.  If you've been reading this (or know me at all), I know you know.  

I also recently read through something that made me realize just how utterly insane going through the process of going on and off the antidepressants, as well as trying out different migraine medications,  coupled (or would it be considered tripled?) with dealing with dormant "feelings",  all at the same time made me....   It was pretty bad.  Strike that.  It was absolutely embarrassing. No, strike even that.  Humiliating.    I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the nuthouse.  That's almost a literal statement.    I'm looking back on things and trying to decipher what in this screwed up head of mine was even real.  I mean, I know what I felt.  I just wonder what was real. 

I'm so fucked.  It's not even funny.  I mean, it's humorous enough to laugh at myself, because if I don't I just might slit my wrists... but it's not even funny. 


At least all that shit has stabilized.  I'm off the antidepressants.  That was the smartest decision I made, I think.  I might not think so in a month or two, once the depression hits, but that shit messes me up.  I remember why I stopped before.  I know it's most likely probably more a matter of needing to figure out which one works for me, but I just don't have the finances or patience for that.  Not to mention I just don't know that I can handle going through the side effects.  They are really bad for me.  My only regret is that I didn't wait.  Or do it sooner.  I have the worst timing in the world.  I swear I'm a calamity of errors.  Welcome to my life.

I went back on the previous anti-migraine med once I was off the antidepressant, and that seems to have been a good decision as well.  It has been working.  So, I'm two for two in that department so far.  Again...  I just wish my timing had been better.


It's Fall.  It's my favorite time of year.   As much as I dread what I know lurks for me in the upcoming shadows and corners, I also anticipate the ritual of turning inward and exploring those dark areas.  Every time I do I gain something.  Every time I come out the other end stronger and with some greater knowledge of myself; some tighter grasp of power over my darker side.

I always emerge.. and that is the important part.