~A Bitter Swallow~

I think I thought-vomited in my brain a little bit...

Thought-Vomit

My brain is constantly mumbling and muttering to itself. Sometimes it screams. Sometimes what it has to say is interesting enough to make note of, or is adamant enough that it must come out. I'll put that stuff here. :)
Saturday, July 23, 2016

Charting the Pain




 I was doing so well.  But for some reason you keep showing up in my dreams the past few days, and reminding me of everything I’ve tried to forget about.    I blame the week-long migraine; after so much time, it just gets exhausting and one’s defenses get weakened.  In my case, it’s always the cold, bitter, unwanted thoughts that find their way in through those cracks- those things I work so hard at keeping out:  I’m not good enough,  I’ll never be good enough, I’m too overweight, I’m unattractive, I’m worthless, I have nothing going for me, I’m unlovable, I’m unlikable, .. Shall I go on?

I know it’s a down period, and that I’ll eventually fight my way through to the other side.   It’s just damn miserable to have to fight through the pain and the stupid depression crap at the same time.  It’d be so nice to just crawl under the covers and never come back out- to just say FUCK EVERYTHING and not deal with it anymore.  Of course, that’s not going to make the pain go away, but if I just sleep it all away, then I won’t have to deal with that either, right?   Except that apparently I’ll have to deal with dreams of you, and while they are nice dreams, eventually I realize I’m dreaming and then it’s not pleasant anymore. 





I’ve decided to start a log of my headaches.  There are a couple of pain charts that I’m utilizing to keep a consistent track of the severity.  One is typical, one more humorous, but still appropriate.   I have an appointment with my neurologist in September.  Since the migraines have started making their appearances more often, and with more ferocity, I’m starting to fear we’re going to have to adjust my medications, which is frustrating.  I know how poorly I react to that (remember last time?  FUUUUCCCKKK), and am seriously not looking forward to that adjustment period.   But, I’m going to have to do what I need to do to wrangle this shit back under control.   There is a medication I can break down and buy ($50 with insurance for 9 pills… *sigh*), but it only works if you catch it right at the beginning of the migraine.  These past two instances I’ve woken up with it, so that does me no good.  It wouldn’t hurt to have it on hand though, just in case, considering my headaches decide to stick around for about a week when they show up.  

Working through these things is not pleasant, let me tell you.  Working with the public?   Hahahahahahaha  Hahahaha!  Can we all say “No.  Fun.”?    I’ve been steadily within the 5-6 range of the normal chart all week, with periods of up to 7 where I just hid and took a few moments and lots of ibuprofen.  LOL  I made it though.  It still sucks today.  My eyeballs have felt like they are slowly leaking out of my eye sockets for the past two days or so, and yesterday it felt like my eyeballs were actually vibrating in their sockets.  That’s a literal statement.  I had a coworker check if she could actually see them moving.   (She couldn’t.)   They probably all think I’m insane about now.  They might not be too far off course, because when it gets to day four or five, I can’t say I’m entirely rational anymore.  I giggle for no reason, and cry, and thank goodness still possess enough self-control to not scream.    It causes my neck and shoulders to tense up really bad, and then proceeds down my spine.  Not to mention the thing in my shoulder and down my arm and into my palm.  It’s all super fun time stuff- let me tell you.   :D





Today I’m down to about a 4, and am planning to do nothing overly exciting to keep myself from overdoing it and causing it to jump back up.  I need to just lie here and do nothing until I go to the bbq, where then I can just relax, eat, and hang out with good friends.  Then come home and repeat the doing nothing part. 

I need to start stretching, and really want to get back into working out.  I have no self-motivation at home though.  I’ve already established that.  I need to get my ass into a gym, but I think that the only way that would make much sense is if I got myself a trainer, which at this point I cannot afford.  So, I’m going to just continue walking to and from work, and work in some sort of stretching routine for when I get home before bed.  I should probably make going to that yoga class on Tuesday nights a thing as well. 

I keep saying all this stuff.  I need to find the energy to make it happen.  I’ve been doing the walking to and from work, but come home too tired to get anything else done.  I feel like a lump.  I’ve cleaned up a lot of my eating habits, but still need to do more- more prep work at home so that I don’t eat out or order pizza.  Make homemade pizza!  =D


And I need to stop thinking about stupid shit!   I know once the pain subsides, the veil of stupid thoughts will lift with it and I’ll get to feeling better all the way around.  I know there is light on that other side if I just have patience and perseverance and not give in or up.  Damn it’s hard sometimes, but I know I’m stronger than that.  At least my stubborn-muscles are mighty!!  

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