I feel like a failure. Like everything I try to do just doesn't work out. I'm mediocre. I'm surrounded by such amazing, successful, confident people. I feel lacking- everywhere.
I'm stuck. I'm trying and trying and trying to climb my way out. I'm trying so many different ways to do so. But nothing is working. Every time I get excited about something- thinking this time it's going to work and I'm going to dig myself out of this hole... nothing happens. It's not necessarily that it backfires (although sometimes that is the case), but ... just nothing happens. At some point I realize that what I thought was upward momentum was just an illusion and wishful thinking, and that I'm just stuck in the same place, going through the motions with my eyes closed making myself believe I'm actually moving. But at some point I realize that nothing is happening. Nothing is different. And then I'm right back where I started from.
I'm trying. I really am. I keep stepping back to analyze the situation and come up with a new plan. It is just becoming so exhausting. There are so many obstacles- ones I cannot overcome right now. With time, maybe. But it all seems so insurmountable.
The person I am inside does not match the person I am on the outside. I don't know how to change that. Nothing I do is working.
So I guess today I'm just going to sit here and feel. Maybe if I feel long enough, I'll find a root. Then maybe I can start digging that root up. I'll brew it into tea or something.
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