~A Bitter Swallow~

 Goddess... can I for once come here with good news?  Alas, no-  I am here to bitch and moan once more.  

I don't know what to do.  I'm drowning and all the planks of wood I find to drift on disintegrate beneath me before I can gain any distance.  I'm overwhelmed, and scared, and feeling like such a fucking failure that a big part of me just wants to give up.  But I can't even do that because I don't even know how to!  

I've worn out my welcome here, I'm sure.  On top of that, they are actively looking to buy, and I know it won't be long before they are packing and moving.  There will not be room for me there.  However, I'm looking at my finances and I just don't see how I could possibly afford rent prices.  Even if my daughter were to procure a job right now, she still wouldn't have had it long enough for most places to consider it.  And we still need to get her a new car.  

I'm trying really hard not to panic.  I don't know what to do.  I've already told my son that if his dad is looking to move, to make sure there is room for my daughter because I may not be able to put a roof over her head. 

How did I get so far off from stable?  How have I come this far and not have anything at all to show for it?  My life has been reduced to one (shared) room.  It's about to get worse.  I just don't see how to get myself out of this.  I don't want to move in with my mom, but it's looking like I'm going to have to.  

Both of the lenders I've tried to get to help me just won't talk to me.  Apparently I'm not worth their time to even tell they aren't interested.  Just vagueness and dismissive emails.  I've just sent a message to the lender my parents worked with.  He helped them tremendously and I'm hoping that the third time will be the charm.  If he doesn't help either, then I really don't know what to do.  

I can't even get a damn therapist right now, because everything has to be done by teleconference, and I'm not going to open up to someone over fucking Zoom.  I still haven't gotten the MRI on my arm, and it's been hurting deeper and more often again lately.  Still waiting on the prior authorization.  I emailed my doctor asking about it, and two days later still have no reply, which is odd for them.  I may just have to call tomorrow.  

I'm trying so hard to stay positive and hopeful.  To continue to try and attract good energy and good outcomes, but I keep getting kicked.  I don't know which way to go anymore.  I have no rope.  No path or road map.  

I've started re-reading The Stand by Stephen King.  For a long time I've secretly dreamt of a post-apocalyptic world.  Today it finally dawned on me that the thing I desire from it is being left alone.  Not having to worry about work or bills or anyone else.  It sounds free. There would be no one left to disappoint.  So, I've been burying myself in the book, because at least for a time I can live that life, even with it's struggles.  Of course, I've only just started it, so all of the bad shit hasn't started up yet... but still... for just a little while...