~A Bitter Swallow~

 This year has really been a shit show.  I feel like I'm just treading water and not getting anywhere.  The sun rises and falls and I feel like no matter how hard I paddle, I'm no closer to seeing the shore. I'm wasting energy, and I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.  So, I suppose for awhile I'm just going to float here.  I'll watch the clouds swim across the sky.  I'll watch the birds flit and dance in flight.  I'll listen to the sound of the raindrops on the water.  I'll witness the majestic fires that coat the sky as the sun rises and again as it sets.  I'll try to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me while I'm here.

This is my goal now.  I'm obviously at a point in my life where I am stuck.  I just am.  It just is what it is.  I'll continue to do the things I need to do to try and get myself above it.  But I'm sick of wallowing.  I'm tired of being in the same place, but at the same time continuing to allow myself to be awash in guilt, anger, and envy is getting me absolutely nowhere- except for maybe a little farther back as it crushes the person I am inside. 

I took a "test" over the summer while in quarantine that was about finding my "signature strengths".  I may have already posted about this-  I don't remember if I did here, or only in my handwritten journal.   In any event, my number one "strength"- regardless of what mind frame I was in when I took the test (and I took it about 4-5 different times over the past few months in various frames of mind)- was:

Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence

With this in mind, I've decided I'm going to use this.  I've tried doing the gratitude journaling and all that jazz, but it felt forced and convoluted.  It wasn't working.  Instead, I'm going to approach it from another standpoint- one more in line with that "strength".  I'm going to appreciate the beauty and excellence I see around me.  I had an idea yesterday while out with my daughter.  We were waiting for my sister to arrive downtown and while sitting in the car I viewed the tails of some pampas grass set against a stormy background.  It was striking and I started taking pictures of it through the car window.  My daughter suggested that we get out and take them from outside.  We then proceeded to walk along the boardwalk, snapping photos of things we found striking, or beautiful in their own mundane way.  I joked about starting an Instagram just for all the pictures I take of things I find interesting.   She told me I should.  It dawned on me that this could be a way for me to take note and share some of those things I find beauty and excellence in.  I think I'm actually going to do it.  Because, why not?  

Another thing I've realized that I need to do is remind myself how to delay gratification.  I'm impulsive and I want the things I want now.  I need to teach myself how to have patience again.  How sometimes the wait makes it so much sweeter and meaningful when I do get it.  That it will more often provide a better quality to what it is I desire if I allow it to take time.  That it will be more beautiful and more excellent.   Patience not only for the little things-  like satisfying a sweet tooth or getting that item I want (but most likely don't need)- but also the big things, like a place of my own.  The things I have in my head and my heart and my soul that I want out of this life...  they are such strong yearnings.  Almost needs.   Property to have my gardens.  My chickens and maybe my goats and bees.  To create food and beauty and health from Nature with my own hands from my own gardens.  To live in harmony with the plants, animals, and Earth herself.  To have my solitude, but to be nearby enough for a trip to the grocery store or to market to sell my wares.  I feel this on such a deep level it's insane.  This is where I need to cultivate my patience, and work towards having this.  Creating this.  Living this.

This has caused me a bit of a conundrum.  As you'll know if you've read any of this blog previously, in order to get my debt paid and qualify for a loan for a home, I need to make more money.  I've got applications to fill out for jobs that will pay me more.  Potentially significantly more.  However-  this shift in job would not necessarily get me closer to where I want to be, and I cannot guarantee that they will make me happier.   The job I have now - I work with such great people.  I have a level of autonomy and creative license that I cannot see me having at these other jobs.  While I would like to be able to pay off my debt and afford a piece of property- at what expense does that come with if I am unable to appreciate it?  

When thinking of making a career change, what really comes to mind is a complete change.  One of going back to school and doing something more in line with my actual desires and passions.  I would like to get into a school for botany and herbalism.  I'm not sure how to go about this in my current situation though.  I still have student loans from when I was in school for pharmacy.

I've begun applying for a second job, which would not allow me time to do anything, but would allow me to get those bills paid off so that I could have some breathing room to think.  Then perhaps I could look into actual schooling.  In the meantime, I need to begin to self-teach.  Self-teaching is something I am not very good at without a hands-on approach and without accountability.  I would need to begin actually doing.  My space and finances don't make that readily accessible, but I need to figure out a way. Little steps at a time.