~A Bitter Swallow~

  Having to go back on DSHS has really given my quite a slam to my pride.  I worked to get off of it twice before already, and having to go back to it is not something I ever wanted to have to do.  The first time was when I got pregnant, the second time was when I got divorced.  This time, well, we are victims of this crumbling economy. 

  There are times when being at work is just too much for me sometimes.  There was a moment last week, when I was listening to yet another person I work with who got approved for buying their home.  Everyone there seems to be in the process of buying a home.  Seriously-  I know of 4 offhand.  Don't get me wrong.  I am super excited for them.  It's a huge deal, and it's great to see them so excited and happy.  That particular day just happened to be the day that my boyfriend was sitting down at the state office, waiting to hear if we would qualify for any type of assistance.   She was gushing about getting the call about being approved for her new house, while I was trying to make sure I got documentation of my earnings down to the state aid office. 

  We had to borrow a significant amount of money from a friend just to get our rent paid on time.  I get paid a day too late, and it would have cost me another $100 for that one-day delay.  So my check is gone.  My next check, and child support, will all go to next month's rent.  Entirely.  That leaves no money for paying the bills, which are already late.  I am trying really hard not to freak out.  Scenarios go through my head that sometimes make me want to scream and cry in frustration.  I won't lie- sometimes the crying happens. At least I don't scream. 

  We turned off our television. I think, overall, that will actually be a good thing. We still have Internet, obviously, since we do so much of our communication through it. But, it is the next thing on the chopping block should it come to that.

  All I want is to be stable.  Financially stable.  Have a little bit extra to go do nice things once in awhile.  My dream right now is to be able to take my kids on a real vacation.  Somewhere not in this state.  Disneyland, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon.  Somewhere.  I was hoping to do that this year, but that is not going to happen.  Maybe next. 

 
I am not trying to give a sob story here. We are still okay for the most part. We did qualify for help with food, which was my main concern. I didn't want to be one of those people who had to decide whether to pay the power so the heat isn't turned off, or to buy food for the children. Luckily, I won't have to.   It's just my pride that is suffering.