~A Bitter Swallow~

I can feel tendrils coiling around my brain lately.  So far, they've only been made of smoke, and I can make them dissipate if I notice them and try.  Which I've been able to do for the most part.  However, I know how this works.  They don't "go away".   They just lose some of their substance and form.  They are still there though, winding their way around my mind.   Picking and prodding and seeing where they can squeeze in and infiltrate.   It's like brushing at cobwebs; Constantly brushing at cobwebs. 

 I try to do things to help make them weaker.  Or, rather, to help make myself stronger.

1.   I try to watch what I eat, and make sure I get healthy stuff in me every day, if not at every meal.  Every meal is the ultimate goal, but it's hard when dealing with picky kids who like regular comfort foods, as well as time restraints and money.  As I get more involved and get more trial and error I'm sure I'll find recipes and ideas that work for me.  It's just getting there.

2.  I am also trying to do some sort of exercise every day- be it walking to/from work, jogging on the treadmill, or doing some floor exercises that I've found.  The more I can do the better I feel, but I try not to beat myself up if I only get one of them done.

3.  I am keeping a clean(ish) house.  The less clutter I have around me, the less clutter seems to be in my head while I am here.  Plus, cleaning the house gets me up and moving around.  It's its own sort of exercise.  I also get the sense of accomplishment from looking around and seeing neatness. 


Things I want to work on:

~  Writing more.  I need to do this.  As a matter of fact, it's part of what this whole blog post is here for:  Getting me writing.  Here, the other blog, or writing on one of my stories (wouldn't that be great!)... just writing somewhere.

~  More outings with friends/family.   I tend to retreat within myself, and just hide out.  It's not always intentional.  I've discovered that this house is not conducive to people knocking.  There is no doorbell, so unless I am in the living room, I don't hear the door.  Unless the house is silent- no music, no dishwasher, no heater.  That is pretty rare.  Like... super rare.   However, even when people do get ahold of me, I find myself just wanting to stay home.  Parties I'm not into anymore, so I really don't feel too bad taking a rain check on those.  I would like to have more casual gatherings though, like BBQs and such.  With the weather warming up there will be more opportunities to take advantage of trips to the lake, etc...  My brother and his girlfriend (and my friend!) are coming over this weekend for a BBQ.  Well, she is at least going to come over for some girl time.  I've got cases of wine (yes, plural) that are begging for attention!

~Get outside more.  I'm definitely happier when outside in the sunshine.  Sunshine is lacking in this state, so when it is here, I need to take advantage.  Take the kids out for lake trips, to the park, hiking, whatever!  Myself, too, if I'm by myself. 

~ Craft more.  Be creative.  Stop being lazy. Pick a craft and do it.  Sometimes I get frustrated because I never have all the components for what I want to do.  And don't have the money to go buy what I need.  But, I can start keeping a list of what I want to do, what I need for it, and where to find it (did I get it in a book, website, etc) so that when I'm able to get the part I need, I can do it!



So, while I can feel the worms of depression trying to weasel their way back in, I'm so far so good (fingers crossed) doing okay at battling them.  I am, however, keeping a close eye on it, and vow to take measures of asking for help if it starts to get beyond my control.   I also know I'm good at hiding it until it gets to the point of "no return".  Or so it feels sometimes.  I'll try not to hide it.  I don't want to get as bad as I did last time. That scared me. I know it scared a lot of people.