This whole having to move thing is causing me too much stress. I think I am doing a good job at keeping it in check, but I have my moments of melt-down. Usually quick moments by myself, where I can let a few tears out, have my mini-freak-out, wash my face, and get back to normal before people notice my absence. We have a few other places we've put calls into- on maybe good possibility, but I'm not putting any faith in it until it's a done deal.
I have boxes all over my house, ready to be packed. However, I'm struggling with trying to figure out what to pack. We've moved so many times over the past few years, and purged with each move, so there really isn't too much more to get rid of. And, I don't want to get rid of stuff I'll want once we're settled just because I'm having a tantrum today. I've done that too many times, too. I don't have the income to just go and replace it.
Plus, all the boxes, and trying to figure out what to pack, just reminds me that, once again, I'm having to do this. I wonder when I'll find a place where I will be comfortable finally unpacking all the boxes; Putting pictures on the walls, decorating... When will we finally be able to settle? It makes me feel like such a huge-ass failure as a person. I'm almost 36 years old, and I don't have a place where I call "home" and mean/feel it. Because next year I'll just have to pack everything up again for one reason or another, and move it. Granted, some of those moves have been my own damn fault. Not this one, though. Nor will the next. Unless we get another really craptastic landlord (cross your fingers that that is not the case!).
I am constantly reminded of my dad telling me that I was a "worthless piece of shit that would never amount to anything". I often get the feeling that he was correct in his prediction. And that makes me feel even worse. I remember the dreams- no, not dreams, the conviction- as a kid, that I was going to be someone. Maybe not someone famous, or necessarily rich, but I was going to be living a great life, comfortably. I let the fact that I was so smart in school go to my head. I thought there was no way I would ever be where I am now. Well, hello drugs and money. LOL. I know things could be so much worse than they are now. I am thankful that my son came when he did. I'd much rather have the financial struggles from having a child than the horrible problems that would have arose from the drugs and the lifestyle I was living before I got pregnant. It's more probable that I wouldn't even be around anymore.. or I'd be so much of a shell of myself that I may as well be dead.
But, I wanted so much more than this. I expected so much more. I want so much more for my kids. I want to take them on vacations to places like Disneyland, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon, etc... I want to be able to pay for them to participate in the activities they want to. But, as sad as it is to say, right now I'd be so grateful just to give them a place where they can call home and not have to worry about moving again. I can't believe I'm 35 years old, and still dont' have that.
I try to rectify the situation, but how? I don't know what to do. I guess I could work more. Find another job to make more money so that I can afford more. I've mentioned that more than once on here, I know. But I also am a firm believer that money doesn't solve everything. It doesn't make a life. More often than not, the working takes away from the life. I don't want to take away time from my children. I want a magic fairy godmother to shake her wand, say "Bibbity-bobbity-BOO" and make things brilliant for me.
I take solace in that fact that I think my kids are happy. I've so far been able to keep them in the same area, in the same schools, with their same friends. That is one thing I refuse to compromise on. I will not make them change schools. I will go live in an apartment complex if that is what it takes. Their schools/friends/etc are the one thing I've been able to keep constant for them. The only way we will change (although it won't affect my son now that he's in the high school) is if we were somehow able to buy a house. Then we would consider changing the junior high my daughter goes to. But until that happens, we are staying in this area.
So that is where it stands as of now. I have my mini panic attacks here and there, but for the most part, I try to push them aside and focus my attentions elsewhere. I'll save the major panic attack for last. LOL
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