~A Bitter Swallow~

 I made it through my doctor's appointment in one piece.  I must say- I was rather anxious about going.  The past couple of times I've gone in, something weird/bad has happened.  The first time they found moles that were showing the beginning stages of melanoma (they removed them and it seems to be okay now).  The second time we discovered I had lost 20% of my kidney function (went to see a kidney specialist, who found nothing).  Today I went in with trembling hands and stomach, waiting to see what would come up this time.  They scared me, because they both (doctor and nurse) seemed to be very kind to me, treating me almost gingerly...  soft voices, soft touch, clasping their hands together, gentle smiles, generous compliments... those kinds of actions.  Actions I am not accustomed to receiving there.

He looked over my skin again, seeing if there were any worrisome moles (3 to keep an eye on, but nothing significant).  He sat me down and briefly discussed my depression and anxiety issues.  I had initially gone in thinking I was going to ask for medication.  I changed my mind though, and told him I wanted to hold off on that for as long as possible.  I have had dependency issues in the past, and don't want to go through something like this drugged up.  There is too much potential for abuse on my end.  That's a path I am not willing to take.  I am trying to fix me (if it's even possible), not make it worse.

I am only down about 15 pounds on the scale.  I'm not letting that trip me up too much, though, because I can physically see the difference in my body, and apparently others are starting to as well. How I feel physically is changing, too.  Mentally, I'm fucked beyond words, so I'm not going to delve into that.  But physically?  Physically I think I'm doing okay.

However, I'm not out of the woods yet.  Tomorrow morning I go in for fasting blood work.  That is where the kidney thing came up before.  And, of course, I have to wait the week for the results from my Pap to come back.  I'm am going to let my anxiety rest (as much as I can), and tell myself that I am just fine.  I've got enough of my plate this time around.  It's my head's turn to have the problem.  Not my body.