~A Bitter Swallow~

  I am in one of those periods in life where I can tell things are coming to an end.  What those thing are, I'm not sure.  However, I just have that sense of doors closing; of chapters ending.  I can hear the quiet click as the lock slips into place; can hear the sigh as the page is turned down and the book is closed for the night.  It is not necessarily a bad feeling.  I just feel a bit lost;  Disconcerted. 

  This time of year is the one I feel most adequately represents my mind.  When the fog rolls in thick and heavy, blanketing everything with its obscurity.  It is both frightening and comforting at the same time.  Who knows what is lurking within the swirling mist.

 Later on the fog will roll back, revealing the bright, crisp blue sky.  The air holds a bite, perfect for wrapping a sweater around your shoulders and going for a walk.  The trees alight with vibrant color. 

It is also the time of year where I once again begin to retreat inside of myself.  It is a time of tuning inward.  Spring is a time of clearing out the clutter in your home.  For me, Fall is the time of analyzing all of that clutter in my mind and trying to make sense of it all.  To rediscover- take out and dust off those old relics.  Get rid of the garbage.  Sometimes it's hard to let go of that garbage.  To discard those old things that have been bumping around in there for so long.  How will the space function without it?  How will it feel?  Some of those things have been there for so long, it seems they have grown root.  They must be dug up, pried out.



I don't mind the cobwebs, though.  The dust and spiders are a bit comforting to me.  Is that bizarre?  Perhaps.

Lately I've been trying to picture my "perfect place".  The ultimate "Where do I want to be?".  My mind keeps conjuring the same image:   I am at a cozy cottage.   The front of the house faces the ocean.  The lawn has an overgrown path leading down to the beach.  The house is surrounded by gardens;  all of it used for some purpose, whether it be for food or medicinal purposes.  There is a chicken coop out back, and a variety of fruit trees.  Behind and to the sides of the yard are dense woods.  There are no neighbors nearby.  The beach in front stretches on each side... rocky outcrops extend out into the water every so often.. perfect for standing on while the waves crash against them, spraying me with their sea spray.





It is always the beginning of Autumn in this picture.  The weather is still reasonably nice.  There is enough of a chill wind in the air to wrap a shawl around my shoulders as I sink my feet into the sand for a walk along the beach, and to start a fire in the hearth upon my return to heat up a nice cup of tea or cocoa.  I can sit on the front step and watch the fog roll in, to watch the storms whip the waves up into frenzies.  To watch the birds swoop and dive for their dinner.



I am always alone in these visions.   It is okay.

What does this mean?  I am not sure, other than I am pretty sure that I am supposed to be near the sea.  I never really felt that before, but I do now.  This past year it has been pretty clear to me that I need to have the ocean nearby.  I believe it symbolizes both the calm and cleansing part, as well as the chaotic, dangerous side.   It is both within the same.  Two sides of the coin.  I often feel like I am the same.  I am both dark and light; good and evil.  I embrace the both.  I always have.  Perhaps I am drawn to the sea, because it too embraces both aspects of the yin and yang.