It would be so calming to no longer dredge these depths. Or to have to pull myself up and force myself to skim shallow, donning the various masks for whichever occasion, hoping that one day the mask will just become real and maybe that content feeling will actually be honest instead of one of those stupid mantras I try to convince myself will one day come true if I just repeat it often and believe hard enough. If I keep putting out that positive energy- it's bound to come back my way. I think I've just pushed too much out and haven't left any to find its way back.
My brain has such a good way of reminding me of all the stuff wrong with me. It would be easier to say reminding me of how little is right. It likes to point out the numerous flaws, the many fantastic ways in which I have failed at life so far, and how it doesn't look like I'll be "winning" anytime soon. How my personality makes it so easy for people to walk away from me without a second passing thought, even if I'm over here dying inside. It likes to point out that if I were to disappear right now... not very many people would notice or care. It really likes to throw that in my face. That one is its favorite.
So, I sit here and fight with it. I tell it to fuck off. I tell it I don't care. It continues to push buttons and I look like a lunatic to the AA (or NA, I'm not sure which) people across the street while they see me through my window having an argument with myself. Because yes, I argue - out loud- with myself. Both sides. Sometimes I think that straight-jacket and that padded cell sound like such a nice retreat.
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