In the battle of me vs each day, today has definitely won. I've not had a good day today. Maybe it's just because I've been battling this stupid cold for two weeks now, and I'm getting worn down, but today got the best of me. My mood is sour and I'm just reminded of how much I don't matter in the real gist of things.
People will ask one another: "What is your biggest fear?"
Well, outside of the obvious "losing a loved one", mine has always been being alone, with no one caring about me. Being forgotten. A footnote in the background. That I don't matter.
However, I've actually been living my worst fear for awhile now. It's a terrible feeling. Gut wrenching. I think that in all of the people I know, I can count on one hand how many people truly give something of a shit about me, and that's with fingers to spare. That's also including my kids.
I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad. I'm not putting it out there to garner pity, or false attentions, or even consolations that I am mistaken. I am simply stating how I feel..
I continue to try. I put myself out there. I face each day. I interact with people. I try to forge relationships with people, even though I know I'm bad at it. But fuck, I try. I'm getting tired of trying, though. I mean really, what's the fucking point? I think maybe I should just make peace with the whole being alone thing. I've already been forced to face the fear, so might as well cozy up to it and become pals. It's obviously not going anywhere anytime soon.
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