~A Bitter Swallow~

I Am.. Depressed.  

You didn’t see that one coming, did you?  I know it doesn’t sound very “affirmation-y”.   I am, though. Right now. I have actually put off writing this post all day because of it.  I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to deal with discussing it- even (especially) with myself.  I still don’t think I am, but it’s time to tackle it. 

 I’ve battled with depression for a very long time now. Something in my brain isn’t quite wired right-  the chemicals are off or whatever- and it wreaks havoc on my thought patterns. That in turn snowballs down into a plethora of other ailments/symptoms/whathaveyou that I’m not going to go into here.  I have good days. I have bad days.  Sometimes I have really bad days, and sometimes I’ll have a really good day.  What I have come to realize though, is that the best way for me to pull through these bad bouts is to recognize and acknowledge when I’m having these slumps.  In a way- I treat it like you would (should) any other abuser-  look them in the eye, let them know you recognize them for what they are, and even though you may not be able to get away from them right now- you are going to fight them- rather than continue to keep your head down and take the abuse and believe the lies.  

That’s not to say I always win- because I don’t.  There are some days where the best I can do is get out of bed and make my coffee. Maybe bury myself in a book or movie or some video games.  It does help me keep from giving up though, and it helps to continue fighting, and it helps me continue to challenge the terrible things my brain likes to tell me.  So, going off my themes of staying accepting, breathing, and staying calm…  I’m accepting the fact that I’m currently depressed, and that depression is something I battle.  I am breathing through it and remaining (as much as I can) calm. When those thoughts start going through my head, instead of giving in, I’m making more of an effort to stop and identify them. To actually speak aloud and say “This is Depression talking.”  Then I can break that thought-cycle, and either redirect it onto something positive, or just distract it with something else.  The goal right now is to just recognize, identify, and break the thought-pattern.  

Which leads me to my second “D” word for this week, because I’m not actually going to leave it on just the word “depressed”.  

I Am Deserving. 

This is one of the things my depression likes to tell me I’m not.  That I don’t deserve good things.  I want to challenge that idea head-on, and say that yes  I do deserve good things.  I deserve good things to happen to me.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be able to feel the way I feel and not judge myself for it, and fuck anyone else who judges me for it.  I deserve to love and be loved.   I deserve to find peace in my home, in my mind, in my body, and in my soul.  And yes, sometimes things are still going to be (are) overwhelming, and I’m going to cry and bitch and vent about them.  But I deserve to do that on my terms, not on depression’s terms.