~A Bitter Swallow~

  So, the "Rapture" came and went, with nothing insomuch as a firework to display it.  At least not around here.  Although, we did have a wedding going on across the street.   I thought that was sweet.  Hey, if by some miracle the dude was right, what better place to be, then surrounded by friends and family celebrating love? 

  In any event, though I did not believe the world was going to fall apart, while the "good" were risen up into Heaven, it did make me stop and think "What if?"   What if it did happen?  Where would I stand?  If I had to stand before an ultimate judge, where would I go?  Now, I do not believe in the Christian God... let me rephrase.. I do not believe that he is "Ultimate".  However, I do believe in spiritual powers out there that are higher than anything us mortals could ever wrap our little minds around.  Hell, I am certain that the animals have a closer understanding to "God" than we do.  Animals, and babies.  But I digress... that is another blog post...

 My point is that I do think we are "judged", though maybe not in the "This soul gets to go to Heaven and this soul gets to go to Hell" sort of way.  But I believe our life is a lesson of choices and actions.. and the next life we embody is a result of those choices.  Maybe not completely karmatic, as some believe, but to an extent, I do think so..  So, if the world ended tomorrow... if just my world ended tomorrow... How would I be judged?  How would I judge me? 

 I do not think I am necessarily a bad person, but lately I have not felt like much of a good one, either.  As I mentioned in another post, I've become too bitter, too hardened in the heart.  I judge others too harshly, too soon.  I use to be the great balancer.. the great "there are two sides to every story, if not more" person.  I always tried to see from the other person's eyes before making judgements..  but not anymore.  I make judgements before I even know the person, sometimes before they even say a word.  This fact makes me feel very little and shallow.  I've tried to change it, but it's not an easy task.  I've been wronged a time or two, and I think those scars are a bit deep.  I've had too many take advantage of my trustfulness, of my giving nature, to the point where they've taken it all from me.  Now the task is to find it again.. rekindle that flame of good-naturedness and love and trust, and to let it burn bright again.  The battle is finding out how to do so...

  They say that if you smile at one person, you can change an entire day... and I believe it to be true.  I want to start by just smiling more.  To take the time to stop and listen again... to the people I love, to those who I've never met who cross my path, to those I work with, and even sometimes just to listen to nothing.. because everything has a voice, and everything has a story to tell.  I want to hear them.  I want to smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person, and have that person smile at a person... I want to be a part of that domino effect.  I want my domino effect to be a positive one... not a negative one.  

  Slowing down.. that's something I need to remember how to do.  I need to let myself realize that life will still go on if the dishes sit in the sink and I take the kids to the park instead.  That the money is going to be spent, so I should take solace in spending it creating memories instead of flushing it on something we'll never remember even an hour from now.   That I do not have to be perfect... it's okay not to be perfect..  

 So, Mr. Rapture dude... maybe your calculations were wrong, and you were not lifted on the wings of angels up to Heaven, but maybe you caused others to do the same as me.  Maybe you changed the way some think.. caused them to reevaluate what is really important to them.  And while the changes in us may not be significant, even one small thing being reworked to a more positive way is a step in the right direction...