~A Bitter Swallow~

 Yesterday was hard.  Yesterday was a bad day.   I woke up groggy, having been deep in sleep when the alarm went off.  My body was not ready to be awake, and I really had to fight to keep my eyes open and to make my limbs move to get up.  I am not a morning person by any means, but this was unusual.  I was in pain from the moment I moved, my shoulder and neck area on the left completely pissed off.  It was the deep, sinking kind of pain.  The kind that makes me horribly ill to my stomach. 

 I got up, started my coffee.  My son was already up, having woke an hour earlier than normal not realizing it himself.   The day was dreary, overcast with little sunlight.  It was at least dry.  He got off to school on time, and I got my daughter up and off to school.   At least that whole affair was uneventful, as usual.  They never give me issue. 

However, for some reason, my brain was just not prepared for nor interested in the day.   My emotions were haywire, which I'm sure was in some part the result of all the pain.  My shoulders and neck have been paining me for days.  It was bound to catch up with me.  Add into that the disturbed sleep, the dreary day, and the stresses that I've been dealing with.  I broke down a few times.  I could not get motivated, though I forced myself to get the housework I needed done complete.  I was even able to make dinner and have it be successful.  What I could not do was cheer up, or relax, or even really focus or think clearly.  My entire body seemed to be out of whack, right down to the molecular level.  I felt pulled and stretched and twisted into all different directions.  Nothing was within my control. 

My brain seems to be in a bit better state of repair today, by a bit.  The pain is now in the other shoulder as well, though.  Luckily, due to scheduling shifts last week, I do not need to be in to work until much later today, and I will only be there a short while.  So, I am hopeful that I will be able to function enough to make it through that.  Tomorrow, however, I am working all day, and much of it will be physical.  I am hoping that doing physical work will be easier on me.  It seems strange that I would prefer the physical work when in so much pain, especially when the physical-ness of it will be mostly utilizing the area that hurts.  However, the effects whatever this is has on me is so much more in the mental department.  I find it hard to focus, to think, to process...  and I can tell it's happening and it is so incredibly frustrating.  The more I try to reign it in and make my brain work, the more it rebels, and then the stomach queasiness and that feeling of my body twisting and breaking and atomizing gets worse.  Which is why I was able to get the housework done yesterday despite my lack of motivation.  Moving means I can kind of go into auto-pilot, and let my brain relax and do whatever it is it needs to do.  Conserve the energy so it can use it to heal itself, I suppose.