I had something of an epiphany regarding me and my boundaries (or lack thereof) over this weekend. I've noticed that it's always those I love who I allow to push my boundaries (in a not-in-a-good-growth-way).
My roommate recently moved out. Well, a couple months ago now. However, due to the quick nature of the move (and the distance), much of her stuff was left at the house. She was still paying rent, but I knew that at some point, the rent would stop. I had developed a game plan for that side of the house that would allow me to reconfigure my own space, and allow for a massive (much needed purge). I figured I could do this, and then turn around and get the space re-rented by the first of the year. However, all of the "I'll come get it this weekend" kept getting waylayed. I was accommodating because I knew she was having a difficult time with everything. Things kept happening.
My epiphany came when I realized that- things keep happening to me, too. Life is hard. Shit happens, and it can be crazy and stressful and hard. But, why was I letting the fact that other people were having a difficult time be a reason to continue to allow behavior and or activity that was stressful to me, that was causing me mental distress, etc..? Why is it okay for me to continue to shoulder things that were others responsibility, just because life is happening to them, too?
It's not just my roommate that I allowed this with, but with so many instances that I can look at within my life. Once I voiced how much the stuff being there was stressing me out, my roommate made it a point to come get it done. Once I set my boundaries and stuck to them, it was okay. Most of the time people are going to understand. Maybe they didn't realize how much it was affecting me (like in this example). Those who don't understand- that's okay. I need to keep those boundaries in place and stand by them. I suppose I'm now in a point in my life that I need to re-figure out what my boundaries are. How to keep them firm. It's going to be a process. I'm prepared for that.
My brain has been on overdrive lately. I've had a lot of things to think about. I had done some spellwork and asked for some things, and I'm overwhelmed at how much has been given to me, in ways I hadn't expected. Sorting through these things is a process, and part of what I need to do in order to fully realize my spell and benefit from its progress.
Mostly I focused on jobs, money, and abundance. I needed things to stabilize, and to feel like I'm moving forward. I also needed the life around me to change- I need to let go of things, to come into my Self and to really focus on me, and what I want in life. I needed negativity and stress around me to diminish, so that I could relax and authentically feel.
Energy moves in mysterious ways, and sometimes that which is bigger than us has a better picture of what we need. Or maybe it's our deep subconscious. I like to think it's both, working together. In any event, sifting through what has been happening since I worked that spell, and seeing how it has indeed worked to give me what I asked for, is a pretty awesome thing. At first I thought it had completely backfired, but once I sat back and allowed things to progress, and to accept that the Goddess knew what she was doing, I really began to reap the rewards and to gain a new appreciation for my sense of Self, of my own magic and power, and for the Universe and our connectivity to it.
I wanted my finances to get better. For this- I focused on getting another job. Well, instead of getting a job right away like I thought would happen, my roommate moved out. Pretty counter-intuitive to what I had asked for, right? But, as I struggled with that- I realized that I wasn't worse off, because she is still taking care of rent while her stuff is still here (and I am unable to re-rent the place). I was still frustrated and more worried, because now I really need a second job. I didn't want to take just anything, though. I wanted something that would still nurture my Self. However, I began to think I would have to let go of that idea, and that I'd wind up in customer service and probably be miserable for awhile, but at least I'd get my bills paid. I remember thinking "I just need a funeral home to need someone in the evenings"... and then laughed, because that's not necessarily a "night job".
Oh, I was corrected. The very next day in fact. A posting came across my email for a "removal techinican", and I thought "You have to be joking..". Sure enough, it's what it sounded like. I sent in my resume. I got an interview. I got hired on the spot. It's unconventional in what I was looking for, in that I don't have a set expectation of what I might make per pay period. That said- it was only extra money to put towards credit cards, so I was okay with that. Now, turns out it will be to keep rent paid, but I'm still okay with that. The job is something I have always been extremely interested in. It is stressful in its own sense, but I'm figuring out how to work through and with that.
Now, I just got propositioned with another possibility. One that comes with much more responsibility, but also probably a pretty decent pay increase. At first, I thought it would interfere with the new job. I was torn, because I thought I had to choose. But, after some serious consideration (and a trip to a palm reader as well as more than a couple cups of coffee while I moaned to various friends about wtf I was going to do...), I realized I can still do both. It will take a little bit of adjustment, but it will work. I don't have to give up one for the other.
It is, in fact, another answer. I didn't want to have to get another roommate. I was dreading it, because 1. I can REALLY use that extra space. and 2. I don't want to deal with having to vet someone new coming into my space, or deal with someone who will constantly want to come hang out with me and talk to me. If I secure this new thing, then I think there's a pretty decent chance that I will be able to completely cover my rent, bills, food... and then use the removal job as it was intended- to pay off my credit card debt. And who knows... will I shift more towards the funeral industry as I get more experience? Maybe. I don't know. I have plenty of time to figure that all out though as I work through everything.
I am grateful right now. I'm grateful that I'm getting clear feedback of my own power. I'm a magical fucking person and I am manifesting the shit out of things. I need this. I will gain control over my life again, and live happily and successfully.
Well, my first pay period with the new job is done. My first full week on-call netted 5 job calls, logging 13.25 hours. I'm curious to see what the paycheck will look like. I'm also curious as to what my numbers will look like once I'm trained up and on rotation by myself instead of going with everyone to learn the ropes. Will I still get as much action? Will it be sustainable? Is it going to do for me what I need it to?
Last night and today were calls to the hospital. They were pretty straight forward. I'm starting to remember all of the little things. I'm getting the hang of getting the gurney in and out of the van. Even when it's got a person on it. I am beginning to do all the things, and get comfortable with them. I've still only been on the one house-call, and those are what concern me the most. However, I take comfort knowing I will NEVER be alone on one of those. But I think I'd be okay doing a hospital run by myself now.
I was told last night that I actually look happy. I guess I am happy. I'm happy I got a job doing something I'm interested in. I'm happy I'm making plans and goals that are totally attainable. I'm happy that I feel like life is finally moving forward instead of just stuck in the bog. Hopefully this momentum continues forward. I continue to manifest- to put my energy out there. To make my thoughts actions, and those actions create reality.
One thing I need to start paying attention to, particularly on the weekends, is making sure I'm eating and drinking water. Early. I am so accustomed to just coffee in the morning, and then I will eat a few hours later more towards noon. Today and last weekend though, I got called in right when I was thinking about making some food. Today was actually right when I got done at the grocery store buying some veggies I wanted for my scrambled eggs. So, I didn't eat anything or get any water in me until I got home at 3:15pm. This is not good. I'm going to have to get some easy grab-and-go items to have on hand for instances like this.. that I can maybe keep in my bag with my change of clothes. Just in case I need to get something in my stomach to sustain me for a couple of hours until I get done and can get home and make something.
Other than that, I think things are going okay. I've got some plans for the house after this weekend. I'm continuing to enjoy my birds and squirrels during my weekend morning coffee (eight crows today!! 🖤 ) I'm hoping to get my backyard to the same level of peacefulness that I have in my front yard, if not more since it's more private.
I'm still stressed. It's hard continually being on-call. I'm never "off work". My dating life just went down the toilet. My social life.. well, it can still happen, but I've already been called away during a thing. By the time I got back it was winding down. I feel like this is just going to be my reality for awhile. My friends and family all know what's up, and not only accept it- they seem genuinely interested. As for the dating- meh. I wasn't really doing much of that anyway, at least not without significant eye-rolling. I think I can do without that for awhile.
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