~A Bitter Swallow~

      Here I am again, about to divulge to you what's been going on in my head.  It's been a chaotic mess in here lately.  I'm pretty certain I'm having a nervous breakdown.  I don't say that in the metaphorical sense, but in a quite literal one.  I looked up the symptoms the other day, when I was having yet another moment of just not being able to cope with absolutely anything at all.   I found this website that gave signs and symptoms and I pretty much have every single one. 

10 Common physical nervous breakdown symptoms

1. irregular heart beat - you can feel your heart pounding. You may think you're gravely ill, yet tests are unlikely to be convincing.
2. tensed/painful muscles
3. clammy hands, sweating
4. dizziness or light-headedness
5. trembling or shaking - you may feel these are the most embarrassing symptoms of a nervous breakdown as you worry people may notice
6. upset stomach and bowel problems - your body/mind reacts as if your life is in danger and digestion is secondary to survival
7. exhaustion - all your energy is being used trying to manage/cope with this crisis
8. pains - 'unexplained' ones
9. coughs and colds - you seem to be catching every bug that's floating around
10. tension headaches

10 Mental symptoms that make you think you're going mad

1. Anxiety about every day things
2. Panic and phobias
3. Inability to cope with stuff you wouldn't have thought about twice before
4. Loss of libido - you feel 'dead below the waist'!
5. Impotence - and a sense of shame about that to boot
6. Sleep problems - not being able to fall asleep, frequently waking up and not being able to go back to sleep with racing thoughts
7. Withdrawal from loved ones - my clients describe it sometimes as 'living in a bubble'
8. Irritability and angry outbursts - you have no spare capacity
9. Difficulty concentrating - you probably can't even read a page in a book, or even keep your mind on the headlines in a newspaper
10. Depression - this is almost a 'given', when your life seems to be 'unraveling' (See my pages on depression - links further down.)

(The only ones of these I'm not having a problem with are #4&5.  In fact, it's the opposite way, and it's already high to begin with.  To the point where it's becoming problematic in its own right. )

5 Typical emotional problems with a mental meltdown

1. crying easily, and seemingly endlessly, at the drop of a hat - whether you're male or female!  No need to be embarrassed.
2. feeling guilty for all kinds of reasons: 'not pulling your weight', not being there for someone else, not being your 'normal' self, etc
3. feeling alone - you're embarrassed and don't want to bother with anyone. You don't even recognise yourself.
4. feeling joyless - increasingly withdrawing from all the things you would normally enjoy - no wonder with all those symptoms!
5. being/feeling 'paranoid' - feeling that people are out to get you and single you out for every scrap of negativity.

 If you've spoken to me within the past couple of weeks or follow me on Facebook, you've probably heard about me complaining about my heart palpitations.  They've been a bit obnoxious and even a bit on the worrisome side lately.  It was them, actually, that made me really sit down and start analyzing what was going on with me that might be causing it.  I had the rest going on as well, but just assumed that it had to do with some personal issues I had going on.  However, the severity of it all made me start to question if that was really all that was going on.



  Both of my kids now have walked in on me having fits of uncontrollable crying.   I think even some of my coworkers have noticed, though they have been kind enough to not mention anything.  I have had to make many sudden trips to the restroom in order to hide myself away while the tears flow uncontrollably down my face.  It's the last thing I want my coworkers or patrons to witness.   Usually I can curb my emotions and swallow them down, but lately it's been impossible for me to do that.  The merest of memory, thought, visual or verbal reminder, anything that triggers it just causes that flood gate to open and there is nothing I can do to stop it other than to let it run its course and dry out on its own.




I can't seem to concentrate on anything for any length of time.  I can't even read for more than a chapter or so at a time.  This is so horrifying for me, as reading is my main means of escape, and if ever I've felt the need to escape, it's been these past couple of weeks.  However, I just can't get my eyes to focus on the letters, or my brain to process what the words are saying, or my mind to form the pictures, etc...  I find myself rereading the same sentences over and over and over before finally just giving up and finding something else to do that doesn't require as much... well, focus.  Even writing this blog post is taking a tremendous amount of effort, and I'm having to stop and start again.  Move away from it and come back from time to time in order to keep my train of thought on track.  Is it from the lack of sleep?  Perhaps.  I'm not averaging more than a couple of hours per night, with a cat nap or two thrown in throughout the day.  Nothing I do seems to help that.  I've cut down the amount of coffee I drink, started putting in some physical exercise, tried getting my eating habits better (when I remember to eat), etc..   but nothing works on it.  My brain won't shut off, my body won't relax.  I just toss and turn in both body and mind as the hours and minutes tick by until my alarm goes off and it's time for me to start the next day.

This in turn also makes me feel guilty, because I'm not getting stuff done.  It's hard to feel like you are pulling your weight when you are constantly drifting in thought, or lack of thought, or running to hide your latest batch of tears, or just do not have the oomph in you to get things done.   However, there are these random bursts of crazy energy in which I get so much done, so it's hard to explain to people why at other times I'm just not doing anything.   How do you make someone understand how you can feel absolutely miserable and sick at one moment, and then the next you are bouncing off the walls with a completely chaotic energy that you cannot explain?

I've been feeling almost borderline manic lately.  The extreme highs and lows.  I'll have those bursts of energy I was talking about, where I'll get tasks accomplished and work done.  Or I'll just go spend all of my money that I cannot afford and do not have on frivolous things just because I don't care anymore.  Or, more dangerous, I'll go into what I call my "predator mode" (because that's what it feels like).  In this mood all I want to do is find a male and have copious amounts of sex.  I usually don't care who it is and don't put a lot of research into his "character" other than whether or not he will be capable of satisfying what I want.  I don't even care to know his name and have no interest on seeing or hearing from him afterwards.  I take what I want and I leave.  It's incredibly dangerous on a multitude of levels and in my lucid moments I know this.  In my manic moment I don't care.   The only thing that has kept the manic side tamed down is the fact that my kids are home 95% of the time.  My instinct to protect them still outweighs my desire to just let go and throw caution to the wind when it comes to myself and my own primal desires.  The flip side is this causes me to feel like a tiger caught in a cage, and I feel like I'm just pacing back and forth waiting for the moment the lock is not set right.  So far only one weekend has gone by when they have been away, and I've been busy with previous made plans for most, so my time frame has been limited.




For the most part I've just been telling people I'm okay.  I'm fine.  I'm just fucking peachy.  I know some of them know I'm lying, and they let me.  I just continue to put on a smile and say "fuck it" and "fuck the world" and do my battles and fight my wars.  What the hell else am I going to do?   Some days I want to just lie down and never get back up.  I want to get into my car and just drive until I run out of gas, and then just get out and walk until my legs and feet can carry me no more.  I want to just dig myself into a little hole and hide away from all of the world and just not fucking deal with it anymore.    There are days when I don't want to be the strong one anymore.  When I don't want to be the one that always pushes through and keeps going.  Who keeps her sense of humor about things and continues to laugh at herself.   Sometimes I want someone to see past that mask.  When I say "I'm okay" I want them to see that the yelling and splashing is not me laughing and having a good time playing in the water.  It's me floundering and starting to drown.  It's me losing my ability to keep myself afloat, and hoping someone will notice before it's too late, but at the same time not wanting to ruin anyone else's good time and bring them down with me.   A couple do, and they try their damnedest to help.  But I don't think they realize just how deep I've sunk, nor how to help me.  I don't even know how to help me.

Fuck I miss you.  And I don't even feel like I can tell you, because I want to give you your space to decide what you want to do.  But god dammit I miss you so fucking much it hurts' so much that I can't breathe..   Fuck it hurts.  I miss you.

  You know those days where when you're crossing the street, and you kind of really hope that the truck coming just runs the light and hits you?  Not hard enough to kill you-  just enough to put you in the hospital for awhile; keep you in a coma so you don't have to feel, and then when you wake up you're on so many drugs you're all foggy and hazy and don't really remember.  If you're really lucky, you won't even remember why you were hoping to get hit in the first place, and then it will all be worth it.

  Now, before you freak out, I know I don't really want to get hit by a truck.  I know the likelihood of being physically and probably mentally maimed, if I survive the accident, for the remainder of my life would be high, and that the damage done to my loved ones would be significant.  I would never wish that on them.  But fuck, I just wish I could not have to think or feel anymore. Just for a little while.  Just to forget.  Just to be numb.

It was so stupid of me to let my defenses down so completely.  It was even stupider to do it in the scenario I was in.  I know better.  I knew better.  There are reasons I have my walls built so thick and so strong and so tall.  There are reasons that I don't let people inside those walls.  I cannot stand the pain that they bring with them.  Every time.  It doesn't matter whether or not they bring it on purpose.  They bring it regardless of intent.

I've also found my judgement entirely lacking.  I can no longer tell whether someone is trustworthy or not.  I can no longer tell whether their intentions are true or not.  I've fallen for so many lies, so many smooth talkers, so many tricksters.  Now I just expect them all to be suspicious.  They are all just after their own agenda, with no care to what it will do to me.

Not that I am without fault, for I'm not.   I did not expect him to break through so easily, and then once I realized he had, I did not know how to react.  I misunderstood things at first, and then once I realized I had misunderstood, chose to ignore instead of addressing it right away.  I buried it instead of bringing it to the surface and in doing so caused myself anxiety and distress, which in turn caused me to overreact and my fight or flight instincts would kick in.  I would not / could not ask for what I wanted, so how can I blame anyone other than myself if I never let him know what was on my mind?

This is a pretty standard reaction from me.  It's rather pathetic.  I just don't know how to handle feelings.  They are awkward and foreign.  They feel heavy and dirty on me.  Mainly because often times they are not returned, so I want to just shake them off of me like some kind of gross germ that might make me sick- which really isn't all that wrong of an analogy, if you ask me.

I had an absolutely wonderful weekend last weekend.  If it hadn't been for knowing what I was about to do, it would have been perfect.  I knew what would have happened in the long run, though.  I knew I was about to be phased out.  Maybe not right away, and maybe not completely, but it would have happened.  I have no doubt in my mind that it would have happened.   I would not have been able to handle that.  The pain that watching and feeling that happen would have caused me.. I can't even describe what thinking about it feels like.. let alone what experiencing it would have done.  I knew I had to do something before it came to fruition.  So I did.  It didn't go down the way I would have liked it to, which would have been face to face, but I did it.  I did it terribly, as I always do, because I can never express myself accurately when it's an emotionally charged topic, which this definitely was.  And then I proceeded to finish my only glass of wine and bawl on my couch.  So much so that my daughter heard me and came out to sit next to me with her arm around me.  She didn't say anything- just sat there.  I don't think she knew exactly what was going on, but I think she might have had an idea.  I don't just break down like that.

These past few days at work have been murder on me.  Memories or phrases will go through my head and will set me off.  I'll see specific trademark images that are direct specific reminders of him that I have to see often and I have to keep my composure.  I make many trips to the restroom in order to get myself under control.  It honestly pisses me off how badly this is affecting me.  It's been a very long time since I've been hit this hard.  It caught me completely off guard.  Completely.

I've cried, a lot.  A.  Lot.  I figure it's just a thorough cleansing.  Wipe it all clean.  And this time, instead of walls, I'm going to just fill the whole thing in with concrete.  I don't ever want to feel this way again.  Ever.   It's not worth it.  This girl is officially off the market. This item is no longer available.   But I miss him.  :(

  I know it's been awhile since I've been on here.  It's not for lack of substance matter to write about, for sure.  There has actually been tons of subjects matter to write about... I could write novels.  However, I just did not have the writer's mind or drive to get it all down on here.  I do regret that to an extent, as I hope one day I'm able to look back on all of this and laugh.  Or cry.  Who knows.

 In any event, I'm not here to write about all the stuff that's been going on since I last left you.  Not the death, or the birthdays, or the graduation, or the crap with my migraines and all of the issues that has caused.  Instead, what brought me here today is a quote I found quoted  inside of a little book entitled The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin.  It is quoted from a book that was a big part of the story called "The Late Bloomer".  I am not certain that book is actually real.  I've yet to research the matter.    It says:

"It is the secret fear that we are unlovable that isolates us, but it is only because we are isolated that we think we are unlovable.  Someday, you do not know when, you will be driving down a road.  And someday, you do not know when, he, or indeed she, will be there.  You will be loved because for the first time in your life, you will truly not be alone.  You will have chosen not to be alone."

This passage rang through me so deeply that I had to reread it a few times.  The words seemed to jump off the page as if they had been secretly written just for me.  It moved me so much that I reached down and plucked a dandelion from the ground and marked the page (inside the library's book, no less...) so that I could refer back to it.  Indeed, so that I could write this little scribble of my own.

I have always known that I tend to act this way.  Past issues have caused me to erect solid walls, massive fortresses, around my emotions.  I keep people at bay, and if I feel cracks forming in those walls, I flee.  I have sabotaged relationship after relationship in order to prevent those walls from coming down or being breached.  In fact, usually I run before an actual relationship is even formed, because I do not want the heartache.  I feel too deeply when I feel, and I do not want to hurt anymore.

As the quote says, it is because I feel unlovable that I fear that I will again and again be used and hurt in the long run.  That because I cannot see what could possibly be lovable about myself, I cannot fathom that anyone else would.  My heart has become dry and bitter, yet it still feels so much, and sometimes those feelings are unbearable.  So I keep it contained deep within me.  Protected, barricaded from the outside world.  I would rather be alone than chance that my heart will be stepped on once again.  Yet I constantly keep putting myself in situations that cause me pain and indecision.  I will tear a person or relationship apart and find all of the flaws in order to allow myself to rip it apart in order to maintain my walls, in order to flee without remorse.

Lately I've discovered that my walls are old and weakening.  Keeping them upright and solid is taking all of my strength, and I'm just so tired.  I'm also absolutely terrified.

(On a side note, this post is  not meant about family and friends, which I think is obvious.  That is a whole other part of my being, and while I am oftentimes hurt that way as well, the scars do not seem to run as deep and the wounds do not seep for quite as long.)

If you sit and stare at something long enough, do you start to see pictures in the patterns?  The swirls in the floor tiles or carpets, the dust on the walls, the popcorn on the ceiling, the grain of wood in the paneling, etc?  Like watching shapes in the clouds?  I do.  Sometimes I can lose myself in watching the shapes emerge, shifting and swirling, taking form, changing, morphing....  oftentimes they are animals, or faces.. sometimes serene, sometimes demonic.   While on my treadmill I've watched the wall in front of me turn into a treed path that I could jog through.  Or a wooded forest with no trail but one I made myself  Or a dark road at night.  I've watched faces and animals on my ceiling or walls when I couldn't sleep.  And of course, everyone's favorite, while sitting on the toilet. 

This morning's interesting one was a projectile vomiting fish. 

Just thought I'd share that little visual. 

=)

Spring break was supposed to be a time of getting out of the house and outside, but instead has turned into an inner reflection and a deep inspection and reorganization of my mind.

As some of you know, I'm kind of broken.  Between the depression and the migraines, my brain was having one hell of a time processing anything rationally.  I finally broke down and medicated myself for the depression again, as well as saw a neurologist for the migraines.   In doing so, I effectively bombarded my system with a barrage of new medications.  I figure it was all out war on the depression and migraines.  I know in theory I probably should have introduced things slowly to give my body time to adjust.  To wean myself on to this stuff.  To treat my brain like a delicate little baby.  To that I said "fuck you."   I know my brain.  It would have adjusted.  It would have figured out what was going on, made the necessary adjustments, and gone right on doing what it's been doing for so long.  No, this time I needed something strong.  I needed to be sneaky.  I needed to be direct, powerful, take no prisoners!   In doing so, I screwed myself all up for a little bit.  In all honesty, while it sucked and was kind of scary, it was also kind of hilarious and entertaining now that I can look back at it and laugh.  And as the depression lifted some of its hold (but by no means all, don't throw a celebratory party just yet), and for the first time in I don't even know how long, I could go more than a few hours without that nagging pain dragging itself across my head and clenching my temples...   so too did the fog within my mind start to clear.  I began to see a little bit, and I began to be able to think again.

I came to a few realizations this past week.  Sitting at home -listening to the rain defeat my hopes of hiking through the woods outside- gave me time to hike within instead; to walk through the forests of my Self and really see what was going on in there.  Now that the fog wasn't quite so dense, I could take a gander at what had been hidden from me, what I had looked right past, and discover that in many cases the paths I thought would lead to my happy destination were instead leading me to dark, disturbing tangles instead. 

For awhile now I have been utilizing a couple of online dating sites.  I figured it would be a good way for me to meet new people, get out more, and kind of "liven things up a bit".
You should be giving me "that look" now.  
Instead, I was driving myself crazy.  People suck and my mind is still too fragile for that kind of shit right now.  I was setting myself up for constant self-criticism, self-doubt, etc...   Why aren't they messaging me?  Why did they stop messaging me?  Why the fuck did I get stood up?  Again?  This crap can really start making someone question their self-worth.  Hand that to someone who has already been questioning this for years, and you've got yourself heaps of trouble.  No wonder I had to medicate myself again.  I decided it was time to stop.  It wasn't worth it.  Yes, I've met some cool people.  However, they are very, very few comparatively speaking.  So on  a whim I deleted the accounts.  I don't need to continue to put myself through that over and over again. 

In doing so, I've had to discover and re-enforce in my mind the good traits I do have that I can and do bring to any kind of relationship I get into, whether it's romantic or not.  A good friend of mine sat with me and helped reiterate these and confirm them to me, which was helpful.

• I'm a good person.  I genuinely try to see the good in every single person, regardless of who they are.  I truly believe everyone has something good in them somewhere.  Even if they and everyone else doesn't. I'll find it.  Even if I think they are a ginormous douchebag, there's something.
• I give people way too many second and third chances because of this sometimes, but sometimes it turns out to be worth it. 
• I'm very open-minded and non-judgmental, which helps me to do the above-mentioned things.  It is not difficult for me to oftentimes not only see but understand multiple sides of a situation.  It doesn't mean I agree with it, but I can see someone's point of view and "get it".  
• Because of the open-minded and non-judgmental side of me, I form my own opinions of someone.  While I will take others experiences into consideration, I do not form opinions of someone without meeting them for myself.  We all get along with people in different ways.  
• I'm very easy going.  I do not mind my friends or partner hanging out with other people. I actually encourage it. I do have expectations and limitations (mainly for the partner, of course) as everyone does, but nothing I believe to be abnormal or obnoxious.  
• I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent and can carry on a decent conversation.  I may not be the embodiment of excitement, but I like to think I'm not entirely dull.  Besides, in the "partner" aspect, I have some favorites that seem to be popular.  :)  

That's all I can think of right now.

 So, instead of browsing the singles ads thinking I need a guy to make me complete and happy, I've decided that I can do that myself.  (gigglesnorts and crude comments appreciated and encouraged here.  ;)  )  Part of this is making it a priority to work on my exercise and diet again.  To help make this happen, and not peter out like usual, my daughter and I (as well as a host of friends) have signed up for the Color Run in August.  It's only a 5K, but a good place to start.  I got a 5-mile hike in yesterday, and 2.5 of it was mainly uphill.  It was a bit more difficult than I would have liked for it to be for me, but I made it in one piece, I can walk today still, and I enjoyed it.  There is hope for me yet I think.

While I would like to focus on only the positives in everything, I also understand that life is not always so, and I need to evaluate what is negative so that I can figure out what if anything I can do to help either change it or see if I need to get rid of it.  One of those things is the people I choose to associate myself with.  This one has always been extremely difficult for me, as I am a bit socially awkward as well as being rather introverted and not rather fond of people I do not know, so when I do meet someone I wind up considering a friend, it is hard when I begin to feel that maybe the feeling is not mutual.  It is also difficult because I feel that maybe I am sometimes a lot more demanding and intense than most people are in some aspects.  I have a very small group of friends that I care and feel very passionately for.  I understand that not everyone feels that way, so it's sometimes hard for me to distinguish between whether or not I am being shunned, or if they are just busy elsewhere.  This has always been the case for me.

Within these few friends, on rare occasion one will come along that  I will connect with on some deeper level.  I'm not talking romantically.  I will just feel more comfortable opening up to them.  I will feel safe with them.  Sometimes it's only in one area, sometimes it's on more than one.  Usually when this happens, the other person responds the same way.  So when they don't , it really throws me into a tailspin, because it rarely happens (both my responding to them and them not responding back), and I really don't know how to react when I open up to someone who I then realize doesn't really care. 

I don't know why I connect with some people like this over others.  I've found no real rhyme or reason.  Of course, it doesn't really happen enough for me to study it too much. For now I just need to continue to keep some people at arms length, and let those I've learned to trust continue to be my confidants.  They are enough. Maybe someday I will find someone I can open up completely to.  Wouldn't that be something?

While this break didn't wind up going the way I planned, it did clear away much of the fogginess that has clouded my mind for so long.  I'm able to see a path again, and while it may not be completely clear and smooth, it's faint and ragged and overgrown, it's there.  It's manageable.  And while being able to see my way again doesn't help to ease the pain that comes with what has happened to me, my feet have at least become unstuck from the mud that has kept me pinned in place for so long, and I can start moving forward again.

Crazy dreams again last night.   I seem to have this repeating kind of cycle.  They are not the same dream repeating over and over, just in the way they proceed.

Cycle one starts with a very intense nightmare... something lucid and extreme.  I don't remember the details of this one, but I remember the feeling of dread washing over me, the stuttering of my heart, the ice in my veins, as well as the anger of being put in such a position. 

The next cycle is me "waking up", and I start to tell someone about the dream I just had, but it's like I start to have a panic attack while telling them.  My heart races and I can't breathe.  The words won't come out.  I'm stuttering and I have to fight to say them.  I know that it's very important that I get across to them what happened, but suddenly I can't.  I don't know why it's so vital that I tell my nightmare to someone, but it is.

Cycle three is actually waking up, breathless, usually gasping the words in my sleep, forcing them out of me.  Then I realize it was a dream, and that I am actually awake this time.  I roll back over.

And the cycles start again.

I can even get up, walk around, go use the restroom, talk to someone, etc... and then go back to bed, and the cycles will still continue sometimes.  Not always, but sometimes.  It's really quite bizarre.  I'm guessing it's another one of the weird side effects of this new medication.  All of these little things are quite interesting to experience, really.  Other than being ill last week, which I think might be part medication/part cold, nothing has really been detrimental, just... bizarre.  It's entertaining, if nothing else. 

Sometimes I seriously think I'm losing my shit.  If you take some time to scroll through this blog, you'll see it mentioned often.  This isn't anything new.  Last night however, I got a pretty interesting visual picture in my mind to go along with this thought. 

I'm this big ass spider, but I must be some kind of mutant spider (in addition to my gigantic size.  Have you seen the movie by the way, it's pretty awesome in a completely awful way.  Go watch it.) because I had a bunch more than just eight legs.  I had like twenty.  Oh, and they were kind of obnoxiously long.  Anyway, I must have been pinned down because I couldn't move, and all of these legs were reaching and searching for all of the shits I  had lost.  I was seriously freaking out and flailing all of these crazy-ass long legs looking for all of my shits and couldn't find a single one. None of my shits were there to be found.  There were all lost.  Shit gone. 

On the bright side, maybe if they are lost long enough they will turn into fucks, and then I will have no fucks left either..... 

Depression sucks.  It's a constant battle of will.  It's fighting to stay strong but feeling oh-so-weak.  My arms are tiring; my feet are slipping..   It's struggling to decipher where the line of reality stops and where misconception begins.   Constantly analyzing Every. Single. Thing.  trying to figure out whether or not you are reading it correctly, or if you've crossed over that line into blowing-shit-out-of-proportion.   That line is so muddled and unclear. It's a chalk line in the dirt, except it's been raining torrential downpours for the past week, and now it's all muddy and mucked up.  You can tell where the relative area is, but as for whether or not you've crossed it is unclear.  Are you in-bounds or out-of-bounds?

I want my brain to shut the fuck up.  I'm sick of analyzing everything.  I'm sick of feeling like I don't matter, and that I'm not worth anyone's time anyway.  I'm just sick, always, literally.  It's maddening.  I've always been a bit of a drifter, and staying put is really not in my nature.  The urge to run is overwhelming.  As always, my kids keep me grounded.  I find myself telling myself that I only need to wait until they are grown and moved out.  But what am I waiting for?  What is it that my brain is thinking I'll be able to do once they are out of the nest?  That thought scares me.  I don't think I want to know the answer at this point. 

I'm trying to be strong.  I am well aware of what I suffer from, and the distortions it puts in my head.  It's so hard, though.  I'm just tired.  I want it to stop, and I'm getting to the point where I don't care how it stops as long as it stops.   I'm waiting for my insurance card to get here.  Then I'll make an appointment with my doctor.  Medicating myself again seems to be the only course of action at this point in time.  I need to get something to make the thoughts stop.  I need to start exercising and focusing on my health again, but I keep telling myself "What the fuck for??".  I need to stop that, too, I know.  I need to push through and just do it anyway.  I'm trying.

I'm tired.