~A Bitter Swallow~

I was in the shower this morning, looking at my brain (shut up), and I discovered that it reminded me of a sweater.

You know the type. Warm and cozy. The perfect fit- the one you wear EVERYWHERE! But as time goes on, that sweater takes a lot of beating. It gets caught on something here, something spills on it there. And eventually, the sweater starts to unravel. Bit by bit, little by little, the frayed areas widen and spread. The stains soak through to the inside and harden.

And then one day you pick up that sweater and wonder what the hell happened to it?! You sit down on the edge of your bed and hold it, examining all those holes and fraying edges and stains and wonder if it's repairable. This isn't going to be an easy fix. It's not like you can just throw it in the washer and drier and call it good. No, this is going to take much more introspect and contemplation. This is going to be a challenge!

So you smooth the sweater tenderly on the table, and pick up your trusty needle and thread, maybe a bowl of water and a washcloth to try and clean up the stains. You hold your breath as you make that first stitch, hoping the whole thing doesn't fall apart in your hands, or that you wind up making it worse than it was in the first place.

Or maybe I can just turn it into some mittens or a pillow or something.

Yeah... that's what was going through my head this morning while in the shower.

Shut up.

I've had to stop drinking coffee. While I've been thinking about doing this for awhile for health reasons, since I use so much cream and sugar, the actual having to do it part is bumming me out. But, it is making me too sick to keep trying. It upsets my stomach to the point where I gag while drinking it. The smell is nauseating. The heartburn that comes with it is awful.

But man, I sure do miss my morning ritual of waking up to a pot of coffee, sitting here at the computer and doing my morning email / blog reads, while sipping on that hot Cup 'o Joe. It was a nice, quiet way to start the day. And with the weather turning cold in the mornings now, I am especially missing it.

It's not just coffee that hurts my tummy. Everything I drink has been. Even water. That one is probably more tough for me than coffee. Mostly because I force myself to drink it anyway. Especially at work. Heartburn and all. Yes, even water gives me heartburn to drink.

Which, if it wasn't for the overwhelming nausea coffee gave me, I'd just suck it up and drink the coffee. Water upsets my stomach, but not nearly to that degree.

Soda is out of the question. About the only thing I've noticed that doesn't seem to have an affect is iced tea. So, I'm also thinking I'm going to have to look into hot tea or hot chocolate as my coffee alternative. See how those hot morning cups work out for me and my tummy.

I've been told I should go get my gall bladder looked at. An old friend of mine showed up at the library yesterday, and was telling me about how she had to go get her gall bladder removed soon. She began describing her symptoms from the beginning, and I had to groan, because it was exactly the same thing I've been going through for the past couple weeks. Apparently it gets pretty dang bad. Well, I have to wait until my insurance stuff arrives, and I'm still patiently waiting for that welcome packet. Maybe I need to stop being patient.

She did say she lost 15 pounds in one week though. That's something to be excited about. No pain, no gain right. Or in this case, loss.

Anyway. I should start focusing my mornings on writing. There is just so much distraction around me to write. It's hard, it's frustrating, and I'm lazy. That's just all there is to it. The opportune time for me to write around here is probably the least opportune time for my brain. I don't understand all these writers that talk about waking up and writing for a couple hours right off the bat. It takes my brain that long just to process it's awake. Maybe that's the key though- writing while still part-way in that dream state.

I could wind up with some rather interesting tales.

I need a laptop.

I need a dang cup of coffee!

The kids started school last week. Did I blog about that already? My brain is frazzled and I don't remember. In any event, it went okay, despite my absolute screw-up regarding all facets of the busses. *Sigh* It's better now, I think. Both kids enjoyed thier first week, even though I am not enjoying having to get up at 6am to facilitate thier morning routine. But, it gives me time to facilitate my exercising, which I have been building into my morning routine. It isn't nice, and I really hate myself for it. But, I'm hoping that with time I'll love myself for it. We'll see.

In celebration, we took the kids to the Woodland Park Zoo this past Saturday. It was an okay trip. It started early, and rocky, but we made it through. I spent the day feeling pretty 3rd-wheelish, but overall I think the kids had a good time. It may have run a bit long for them, but it's a learning experience for us next time. As in- next time, PLAN. It's too big to just wander at random. You really need to have a route plotted. But it's a great zoo. We got season passes, so we can try again another time.
Sunday continued Pirate Days in Port Orchard. Well, I guess it's technically known as "Murder Mystery Weekend", but really- we're all there for the pirates. While we missed the big fun stuff that happened on Saturday (while we were at the zoo), we came down Sunday and got to see the children's costume contest, as well as the pet costume contest. It was really quite cute, and I completely agreed with the judge's choices. There were some pretty fantastic costumes. Judging by the attire worn by the adult party-goers, I am rather disappointed that I missed the adult contest. While we were there though, we got a program for an event in Oregon this coming weekend, which we just might go to after I get off work Saturday.

So, another week has started, and is now about half-over for me, which I am thankful for. I enjoy my job, but I need to readjust to this morning wakeup stuff. I'm still trying to track down what time my son's bus arrives in the morning, but other than that things seem to be going smoothly. Tonight is his open house, so I'm planning on stopping by the office and seeing if I can get time verifications while I'm there.

Taken from - CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation


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The Impact of Childhood Cancer

• Cancer is the #1 cause of death by disease in children, cutting short the lives of more children under the age of 20 than any other disease.
• 1 child out of 5 who is diagnosed with cancer dies.
　
• 3 out of 5 children suffer from long-term side effects.
　
• Every school day, 46 young people, or two classrooms of students, are diagnosed with cancer in this country. More than 12,500 children are diagnosed with cancer each year and over 40,000 children and adolescents currently are being treated for childhood cancers.
　
• The average age of a child diagnosed with cancer is six years old; saving the life of a child with cancer gives our children a future; approximately, 66 years of life’s milestones and dreams to celebrate.


Only Research Cures Childhood Cancer

• Each day that cooperative group pediatric cancer research goes under funded the road to discovering new treatments and cures become longer, putting more children at risk.
　
• For the first time since its founding, the decrease in funding to the Children’s Oncology Group moves research to a dangerous level where studies and accompanying laboratory research that hold promise will not take place.
　
• Reduce Enrollment in Clinical Trials: The COG reduced enrollment in our clinical trials by 400 patients in 2007 and put about 20 new studies on hold indefinitely related to resources available to fund them.
　
• At a time when breakthroughs can be made in treating all childhood cancer and the quality of life for children with cancer improved, the continued decline in government funding will endanger the development of new clinical trials and threaten progress in curing childhood cancer.


About CureSearch

• Through public education, advocacy and fundraising, CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation supports the work of the Children’s Oncology Group (COG), the world’s largest cooperative cancer research organization that treats more than 90% of all children with cancer.
　
• The Children’s Oncology Group (COG) unites the best of the academic and clinical research worlds to move the most promising treatments from the lab into clinical trials. This association of more than 5,000 dedicated experts in childhood cancer research and treatment are located at more than 235 leading Children’s Hospitals, the finest University Hospitals and Cancer Centers in the United States. By working together, cure rates are improved at a much faster pace than any one individual or single institution could accomplish alone.
　
• The COG sets the standard of care and allows children with cancer to be treated close to home.
　
• A high level of participation in clinical trials, combined with the quick sharing of information through the Children’s Oncology Group has led to phenomenal improvements in childhood cancer survival rates.
　
• Fifty years ago, a diagnosis of childhood cancer was once a death sentence. Today, as a result of the research of the COG, the cure rate is 78% overall. However, still too many children continue to die.
　
• Together, CureSearch National Childhood Cancer Foundation and the Children’s Oncology Group are committed to conquering childhood cancer through scientific discovery and compassionate care – until we reach the day when every child with cancer is cured and cancer can be prevented.
Each Child Deserves a Chance to Live a Whole Life: We Can Reach the Day When Every Child with Cancer is Guaranteed a Cure!
• The story of childhood cancer is simple—we are within reach of a cure. Medical research tells us that with proper funding levels – we can conquer childhood cancer.
　
• CureSearch is striving to give each child diagnosed with a cancer a whole lifetime of dreams and milestones to celebrate. The death of one more child to cancer is one too many.


For additional information, please visit: www.curesearch.org or email us at info@curesearch.org.

It has come to my attention this evening that I have no friends. I don't say that in a tongue-in-cheek way either. I'm not being goofy, or snarky. Straight up- I have no friends. I have acquaintances- friends of the boyfriend, siblings, coworkers, etc. But I have not one single person up here that I can honestly say is my friend. Believe me, I've sat in my room for the past two hours trying to think of one, and gods be damned, I just can't.

So, I lie there and think back and try to remember when the last time I really had one was. Who is someone that deep down truly gave a shit about me? I can think of only two times in my life when that has happened. When I was about six years old in Onyx, and again when I was about fifteen in Lancaster. Each time, I moved. Far. Too far for real contact to be kept. Those friends from when I was six I have long since lost touch with. And from Lancaster, only two do I still talk to sometimes, and even that is usually just short instant messages or Facebook comments. I doubt either one of them could tell you anything concrete about me these days, just as I probably couldn't tell you anything concrete about either of them.

That's not to say I haven't had people who've been friends since I've been here. I have. But no one that continued to stick by me through thick and thin. I had always held the belief that friendship should be stronger than your damn marriage even. They are your rock when all the others crumble. They are suppose to be there no matter what. None of them have stuck around that long. Not that I blame any of them. They have their own lives to live.

But it makes me wonder just what the hell is wrong with me? What is it about me that makes me so forgetable, or makes people so uncomfortable around me? What is it that makes them smile and be pleasant to my face, but then back slowly away? I try to be a positive person. I try to be caring and open and available for people. I don't know what to do. It's always been this way. I've never made friends easily. I've never kept friends easily. I've always known that they would fade away into the sunset. Try as I might to keep them around, they always fade.

Now, here I sit, tears drying on my face. It's not like a part of me didn't realize this truth already. It's just that at some moments it gets dredged up and smeared across your face like dirty sewage. It's horrible, and it stinks, and you cannot deny it. You try to clean it up, but it's still just a dirty rag stuffed down into the laundry bin somewhere, smoldering. You can bury it as far as you like, but eventually it will make it's way back up to the top.

My coffee pot reminds me of an old man in the morning. I start it working, and it sits there creaking and groaning while it does it's thing. I'm half expecting it to blow up every time I use it now- which would suck, since I defiantly am addicted to my morning coffee. If it does that, it should do it a morning that I work. We have a coffee pot there. I can salvage my brain.

That said, I think Summer may be over now. Even though I knew it was coming, and the "official" start to Fall is just a short stint away, I am not completely ready for it, and it makes me sad. The kids start school again this week, and it will be back to the busy mornings, and busy homework filled evenings. I am expecting even more homework this year, since my son starts junior high. Eeps! I wasn't ready for that either.

On the plus side of this, however, is the fact that Sunday evening, my son comes back home! I'm so excited I just might pee myself. I've missed the hell out of having him around. Every time he went back over to his dad's house this Summer, it broke my heart a little. I'm glad he has his dad around though, for him to go hang out with. I read and hear so often about children whose fathers either up and abandoned them, or whose mothers just won't let their dad see them out of vindiction, or who plain just don't know who the daddy is. It's sad, and I'm so thankful that my relationship with my kids' father is still amicable, one might even call it friendly, and that my kids don't have to suffer like the others do.

My new schedule at work has started this month, and I am excited to receive the information to sign up for the medical plan. I'm not sure how long I have to wait for that, but I'm hoping it's not too long. I so desperately need to get in to be seen by a doctor, a dentist, and an optometrist. It will be so nice to start getting things fixed. And I'm hoping it will cut down on my sick days, since many of those seem to be migraine related. I'm hoping between the doctor and the optometrist, we can get those dealt with.

Anyway, it's a quiet, rainy morning as I sip on my first cup of coffee from my old man coffee pot, and my eyes try to focus on the screen in front of me. I have no idea what I am going to do today, although laundry and a lot of baking are on the agenda.

This is kind of a weird stopping point, but I ran out of things to type, so there ya go!

Ok- here's a rant for you. I'm super annoyed at the label section for Blogger. I try to type something in, like "school", but since I'd used "school helper" before, now it won't let me type just "school". It automatically chooses "school helper". I don't want "school helper"! I want "school"! Sheesh. Is there anyway to turn those auto-things off?!

So, I've been taking these Pilate's classes every Tuesday morning and Thursday evening. I can feel my core strengthening, and I notice that I tend to pull in my tummy and stand/sit up straighter more often now. I also have noticed that my shoulder absolutely and unequivocally does not like this new addition to our weekly routine. It has been howling and kicking and screaming every step of the way. Especially when we are doing the rotator cuff stretches. It makes me wonder again if it is that little bugger that's bugging out, although the medical staff had deemed it something else, although what that something else was, they never would tell. All I know, is it hurts. From the nape of my neck, down into my shoulder blade (all-encompassing), around the front of my chest, down through the top of my shoulder, into my elbow, and radiates down into my palm and fingers. I drop stuff that I hold in that hand often. Not always, but often enough for me to notice, and for others to notice.

Part of me thinks this stubborn reluctance to participate is good. Maybe it will work that sucker out, stretch it out, and make it more pliable and less ouchy. The other part wonders if I'm causing more harm than good. It most certainly feels that way, especially at night when I am trying to sleep. Grrr....

But, oh well. Class only runs for one more week. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when it ends. Probably cry. And my stupid shoulder will dance with joy.