Thursday and Friday were absolutely beautiful days. The sun was up high, bright and wonderful. I love days like that- where the colors of the world are so crisp and clean. Sometimes, especially if looking at the skyline, I have to stop and marvel at how fake it looks. My daughter and I have both spoken about how many of the clouds look painted on, the shading behind seeming to pop them out from the backdrop. Or perhaps just paper cutouts, glued to an existing background. Gorgeous. It often absolutely takes my breath away.
Due to this grandiose beauty, I decided this past Thursday to make the 3-mile stroll up and down the hilly road to my daughter's school to pick her up. That morning, she had said she wanted to walk home with me, so I was expectant of a 6-mile round trip. Well, she had begun to feel ill, so we walked the half-mile or so up to the grocery store, bought her some allergy, sore throat, cough medicine, then had Dustin come pick us up and bring us home. Friday, I decided to make the trip again. This after I had spent the morning mowing our uneven, overgrown lawn. On the up slopes, I was pretty certain that my ankles were going to pop out of my shins. It was dreadfully painful. I made it, though. This time, however, there was no notion that she wanted to walk home. Dustin met us there, and drove us home.
Yesterday, Saturday, I could tell my body wasn't completely happy with all the exercise I had put it through over the course of the past couple days. Yet, I still drug myself through some chores, out to a BBQ at the park, up and down the mall doing some light shopping. We tried to go to Costco, but alas, they had already closed for the evening. I was unaware they closed so early on Saturdays! All the pain aside, though, I feel good about it. I pushed myself and got that exercise in there. I spent time outside marveling at the gorgeous world about me while I did it. I got some fresh air. And I have the self-satisfaction of accomplishing something.
I've decided that I want to make those two days of walking to the school part of my weekly repertoire. I think I may need to get myself a better pair of walking shoes, but it is such a nice walk, it only takes an hour of my time, and does so much for how I feel about myself.. it is more than worth it. Let's just hope the weather keeps in my favor!
You've all heard me moan and complain about my weight. Today, I stepped on the scale and groaned inwardly (okay.. maybe a bit (lot) outwardly as well) at the number it finally stopped at. I berated myself and felt like crap, until I realized (by a handy post-it I put on my desktop to keep myself motivated- it was my largest weight as yet) that I've lost 15 pounds in the last month or so. That, was enough to completely turn those grunts of protests into squeals of glee.
One day, a month or so ago, I stepped on the scale (after avoiding it for awhile), only to discover that I was at the largest weight I've ever been. Including while I was pregnant. Let me tell you, I just about lost it. I cried in the shower for a good, long time. Then, I resolved that this was not going to continue. I determined that I was not going to cross that next threshold in numbers. I went to my laptop, and used the little "sticky note" application to post a big note with my current weight on it on there, so I would see it every time I use my laptop.
I began to really pay attention to what I was eating. I started to pay attention to my body when I ate; to recognize when I was full. I stopped looking at food as a "treat". I stopped the pattern of thinking that if I had it on my plate, I had to finish it, especially when it came to junk food and sweets. I do kind of keep that mindset with my veggies, though. I try to make sure that I eat all of the veggies on my plate first, and then go on to what's left. And I've been making myself aware of the calorie content of what I am eating, as well as fat, etc... One night, I remember being anxious for a Snickers bar, until I turned it over and read how many calories are in that one little bar. My craving instantly vanished, and I wound up giving the candy to someone else.
I am trying to keep myself more active. I park far away from the stores. I use stairs over elevators or escalators. I get outside and play in the yard, or walk on my treadmill. That treadmill is probably the best investment I've ever made. I plan to do more hiking, discover new trails. I've signed up for meetups with other like-minded people, so maybe I can get myself a group of people interested in keeping each other accountable and motivated. I want to get more active in getting my son many of his Boy Scout badges, and many of those are physical activity. I'm anxious for the Summer and the nicer weather to get here, so I can get outside more.
I plan to do a cleanse in the next couple weeks. I need to do a little more research, but my body has definitely been asking me for it. I'm curious as to how many of my ailments will go away with the fat. How much my headaches will decrease, the nausea, the feeling of "unwellness".
It was nice to be able to take that new number on the scale, and instead of cry over it, rejoice over it. To use it to keep me motivated. To know that the changes to myself and my lifestyle are working, and the proof is there. To lift my spirits, instead of dwell on negative.
I've come to the conclusion that work makes me fat. Not physical work- but having a job work. You laugh. I'm serious.
I didn't use to be this big. Nope. I had gained weight after the kids, and I still looked huge to myself in the mirror. What is crazy, is that what I use to see in the mirror and bulk at- Well, that's pretty much what I am now. Sometimes that makes me feel better, because I think that maybe I'm actually seeing more than what is really there. Other times it makes me shudder, because I can't believe I let this happen.
Anyway- I'm going off course.
I've done a lot of thinking over the past several weeks. And something I've come to realize is that I am tons more productive at home when I am not working. Not only do I cook, but I bring down those cookbooks and find new recipes and actually COOK. I clean the house.. not just pick it up. I organize. I get into those overcrowded spaces and clear them out. I go through those hundreds of still-packed boxes and unpack or get rid of them. Man, do I need to do that. I get outside and walk. I have more patience when it comes to my kids, and their homework. I can volunteer at their schools and events and not feel like I'm pressing myself thin. I devote more time to things. I am not so exhausted by the time I get home that I want to just sit and veg. I crank up the radio and sing and dance my way through the day. I actually enjoy doing the housework and such. I loved having my boyfriend and kids come home to a clean house, knowing what I was making for dinner that night (if not having already started it), feeling accomplished at having tackled and finished projects.
Don't get me wrong. I love love love my job. It's the best I've ever had. The atmosphere is wonderful. My coworkers are wonderful. Even the patron's are great. But, I'm a lazy person. And when I get home, or on my days off, I don't want to do anything outside of the "needs-to-be-done".
So, now I need to figure out how to live in both worlds, and be both people. How do I mesh the person I am when I'm not working into the person I am while I am working? Somehow, take all that energy that I have when not working, and keep it going for when I get home, or have the day off. It's not like I'm going to be able to completely quit working anytime soon (try never), so I've got to figure something out. Anyone have any suggestions?
It was absolutely beautiful outside yesterday. So, not being able to resist being out in it, I decided to take our dog for a walk, and went to pick my daughter up from school. That's a 3-mile hike up and down the road. Nothing was wrong with the day or the walk. As a matter of fact, it was quite incredible. The walk seemed effortless, whereas the last time I walked it, I ached for days. The day was warm with a nice breeze to keep me from getting overheated.
The only problem was with the car of youngsters that drove by. There was a time in my life where walking down the road elicited cat-calls by these same carloads. This time, however, I was subjected to the cruelty about weight. It's the first real "slam" I've had concerning this issue. And, it really messed up an otherwise perfect day.
Since I've had my son, I've struggled with my body weight. Having always been a slim girl, I didn't know how to react to this extra baggage I was carrying around. While I was pregnant, it didn't bother me too much, because I was obviously pregnant, and that was an excellent excuse. Now- there are no excuses. In the past couple years, I have really packed them on. Due to personal happenings, and the outcomes of those happenings, I became complacent and folded into myself, not to escape what was happening, but as a coming home and finally feeling like I was where I needed to be. Unfortunately, I also became sedate, and that wrecked havoc on my waistline.
Now, looking in the mirror makes me ill. To that point where I've almost literally become sick from it. I hate it. I hate trying on new clothes, because nothing fits how I want it to. It only points out to me how much I have changed in body mass. I try to diet, healthfully, and exercise, but it doesn't quite work out how it should. Our lifestyle isn't very conducive to a healthy eating pattern. And neither is the fact that I'm still waiting on an oven (which should hopefully be there by the time I get home. I'm not holding my breath for that though). My weakened state doesn't let me exercise how I'd like to, although things like that walk are much overdue and underdone.
So- now I receive the insults instead of the catcalls. It's amazing how a body can change, and what it can do to one's mindset.
Have you ever read the book, or seen the movie, of Stephen King's 'The Mist'? Every time I think of that story, I think of my brain. It's how my brain feels of late. Fuzzy, obscure. I can't quite see in there, and there is something scary lurking within, snatching up thoughts, ideas and memories like the tentacles snatched up people.
I haven't been feeling well. My head aches in a dull, sickly way. My body (mostly my neck, shoulders and back) aches the same. My tummy has a constant hint of nausea at all times. My tongue feels covered with some kind of paper. And my eyes see things that aren't there. Not outright hallucinations. Just shadows.
In other words.. I feel icky.
But, in other news, I hung out with a monkey on my head today. No- not the metaphorical addiction, but my daughter's stuffed monkey. Apparently it was cozy up there while she attended to making her lunch this morning. It was cool. We hung out, ate bananas, and sung "Yellow Submarine" from the Beatles.
So, now I'm told I need to start blogging about Monkey's adventures whilst on my head. We'll see how that turns out. I may just have to attach him to a headband and start wearing him (her) around so there will be all kinds of fun stuff to write about.
Don't hold your breath for that. While blue may be my daughter's favorite color, I'm pretty sure Monkey's is yellow. And mine is orange. So no one wins there.
Wow. Not blogging from work really puts a dent in my blogging, doesn't it?! LOL
So, I guess I'm overdue for some updates. Since I have a few minutes before I have to leave, I thought I'd get some of those out here for those of you who follow this.
#1: My son's belly-
The surgery went splendidly. His dad and I sat for about an hour and a half with him, waiting for the anesthesiologist and surgeon to be ready (apparently they had another surgery that wound up going longer than they had expected). Once he was wheeled back, Dustin went and grabbed us all some Taco Bell (none of us had eaten, since my boy couldn't). We scarfed that down in one of the waiting rooms, and before we were even finished, the doc came in to tell us everything went well. It was just as he thought- a mass of scar and cyst, under the skin. He took it out, had to go just a bit farther than he expected to, but not by much. Closed everything, and now we were just waiting for him to start waking up.
Once he started to stir, they let us back to see him. He was all cozied up in the bed. Oh, by the way, before he went in, while waiting, since he had to be in that uncomfy cold "robe" they give you, they had this machine that was like a reverse vacuum. It hooked up to the robe, and blew warm air in between the two layers. It was AWESOME, and I want one.
Anyway.
So, he starts to wake. Of course, he's all doped up from the anesthesia, so getting him coherent took a little bit. Meanwhile, the nurse is going over after-care instructions with us- telling us that we will probably have to force feed him soft foods the first day, because his tummy will be queasy, and that he will most likely sleep all day. Of course, she told us about the pain meds, and all that are associated with that.
My son starts to really wake up. He asks for food and water, since he's famished (couldn't eat after midnight, and it was close to 2pm, if my memory serves me right). He got a poppyseed muffin, which he demolished. And two glasses of juice.
He decides he's ready to get up, and get dressed. The three of us leave and let the nurse help him. It's just one of those sheets that cover his area. Outside, we hear this, as he sits up:
"Woah! I sat up and Whoosh! Everything fell out of my head..."
We were trying our damnedest not to let him hear us snickering at that.
As for his lack of appetite, and drowsiness- he demanded a stack of poppyseed muffins and chicken noodle soup from Costco, which we obliged. He ate 2-3 muffins, and a can of soup, among other things. And stayed up until about 1 in the morning.
As for pain- the kid has none. His pain threshold plain doesn't exist. The only pain med he got was the one I made him take when I picked up his prescription, since the doctor told me to (for the waning anesthesia). He never needed another one. He's fine.
At his follow-up, the doctor checked and assured everything is healing fine. He can go back to normal activity- such as karate and P.E., on the 12th of March.
#2 My Laptop-
I got one! Let me here a "HaZaah!" for tax returns. It isn't anything spectacular. Not one of those multi-thousand $$$ ones I'm sure I would have thoroughly enjoyed. But it has a good enough graphics card to run Everquest 2 (a online computer game I play on occasion), surf the Internet, and still have WordPad open to write. All at the same time. So, that's cool. Now I just have to get use to the difference between using a desktop over using a laptop again. It gets frustrating, but it's worth it.
Ontop of that, I also need to learn a new Windows, since this has Win7(?) and my desktop has Vista(?). So far there isn't really much difference, that I can tell. Of course, I've always used the very basic of functions on the computer, so it could be spectacularly different, and I wouldn't have a clue. One thing I've noticed that I do really like is the "sticky note" function. I am already using the crap out of that, for motivational stuff, as well as keeping notes on my writing. Super jazzy.
#3 The Treadmill!-
I finally got one. It's your basic, beginner treadmill. I love it. It's fantastic. It hurts the crap out of my ankle, and I'm not sure why. But then, I've always had problems with my ankles and shins while running in P.E. in school, so it's nothing new. I just work through the pain, and deal with it. The end result is worth it, in my opinion. Dustin is using the crap out of it, too. We have it facing the television (but in the other room), so it's just dandy convenient. Even the kids get a kick out of using it. Groovy, I tell ya.
#4 Taxes-
I got my tax return, and it was good. I got to pay off my bills, and pay a month ahead. Want to hear something crazy? I paid my stupid electric company $500.. and still owe $0.63 for this month. *sigh* And I was able to get the kids new mattresses. Dustin is going to make them both platform-style beds, and we are going to paint the edges with chalkboard paint. I kind of want one of those! And I put a significant portion away in savings. I am hopeful that sometime soon that will go towards the deposit on a new-and-improved place. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Well, that's all I've got for now. I'm sure there is more, but, since I just got home from work, and my ankles still hurt, and I'm tired and hungry, that's all my little brain can come up with.
My son goes in for surgery this Friday. He is getting his belly button cut out. Crazy, you think? I'll post a picture when I get home and you will understand what I mean.
His belly button looks like bubbles. We've always referred to it with the endearing name of "bubble button". I'm going to be sad to see it go, but it's herniating, and needs to be taken out. The doctor at the surgery center was saying something about how sometimes the connection between the belly button and the abdomen (the umbilical cord from when baby was in the womb), doesn't seal properly, and there is still a via way. This tube can get cysts, and fill with fluid. Something like that.
Here- have a looksie:
Anyway, he goes to surgery on Friday. I have no idea how deep they have to go, or how extensive the surgery will be. He did mention having to cut into muscle, which is painful. It is outpatient surgery, so that's a plus. He scheduled it for the weekend he's with me (yes, my son picked his date), so he'll have the luxury of having a quiet house, with plenty of television, movies, and computer to contend with. And yes, dear sister, I will let him eat ice cream!
He's only going to miss one day of school-which is this Friday. He has Monday and Tuesday off due to President's Day, so he won't miss too much school. He will have to miss a week of karate, and then go back very slowly. NO contact. Not for a couple weeks. He decided he will use the time to perfect his stances and katas. I thought that was an awesome decision. My little boy is growing up and becoming responsible!
He is having to miss his testing for his stripe on his belt. It was for this week, but because of the herniation, they do not want him to participate, since there is definitely much physical contact during it. He is disappointed ( I think he specifically scheduled it for after his testing ), but he understands. His health is more important. He can test later.
So, hopefully it all goes smoothly with no complications. I want him to recover fast and easy! Keep posted, and I'll update this weekend sometime!
What a game, eh? I have no love for either team, but because of a little warrior (Pirate Ben, over top right there), I rooted for the Saints. Luckily, everyone else in our family of friends was going for them as well, so I could root loudly and not be pummeled!
Fantastic game. I hope he got to watch the whole thing. I don't know the kid, but I want him to have these little moments of victory, ya know?!